new to this site and unsure of what to do

[sharper1971]

Hi I have a 23 year old daughter that has been diagnosed with BPD. I was 18 when I had her and her father was abusive in every way, physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually. He ended up leaving us when she was a year and a half and right after I gave birth to our son who I gave up for adoption.

I started drinking heavily and CPS took her away from me for a month. When she came home I realized that I needed help and asked the family that had her for the month if they would take her while I went into a treatment center. I was there for three months and things were going great when I got out. When I met my middle daughters father he was also in AA and my BPD daughter took to him immediately.

When I was pregnant he started drinking again and after our daughter was born he became verbally abusive to myself and BPD daughter. The last straw was when he started to slap my BPD daughter in the head every time she did something wrong. I left him and had three seperate relationships in a two year period all were bad. I had been in counseling for sometime and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Ptsd, and obsessive compulsive disorder. I knew that I needed help and with a friends help moved to a different Province to start over.

I went to mental health and received counselling and medication. My friend kept my kids for three weeks and after packing up my house brought them to me. My BPD daughter was very angry with me for this and I explained that I was doing this for her. I was tired of being in bad relationships and the constant chaos. After a year I met someone and we have a great relationship and my daughters both consider him to be their dad.

The problem is my BPD daughter continues to blame me for every problem in her life and even makes things up. She started drinking when she was 13 and had problems in school for which I got her counselling. At 16 she met a 22 year old and started doing Meth. I had every possible group of people involved with at risk teens try and help her, she even went to a treatment program for two weeks before this man went and took her out and she moved in with him. We went through a year of her calling when he became abusive and her dad picking her up and her going back. When she finally left him she was a mess and with our support went back to school and graduated.

She met a really nice guy who she moved in with and their relationship lasted 5 years with some drama along the way but my relationship with her was relatively good. Last year she decided she wanted to go to University and because she would have to move two hours away from him they broke up but remained friends. She moved back in with us and it was very difficult with the constant walking on eggshells around her. After four months she found a job and roommate and moved to the city. Well that lasted five months until she was being evicted and wanted to move back in this time with two kittens. I said OK with the agreement that she would be responsible for her cats and give us a reasonable amount of money per month for food and utilities.

I left out that when she was with the good boyfriend she went to mental health and was diagnosed with BPD and put on medication and after six months she quit the treatment. Anyway when she came back this time she met some guy and who in her words is a sociopath. She does everything for him and if I ask her to clean up or take care of her cats she flips out. She finally found a place and the night before moving out she asked if this guy could spend the night, when I said no she really flipped out and said really nasty things that made me angry and When I told her to get out she hit me!

I don't know what to do with her anymore because our relationship is so toxic. All she does is blame me and verbally abuse me. I have spent the last twelve years trying to be a good mother but when it comes to her I parent out of guilt. She has no boundaries constantly taking things without asking and no accountability for her actions. I want to know how to help her without having to put up with her bad behaviour. I have other children that need me and she sometimes just sucks the life out of me. I need help! Also she says that her counsellor said she is like this because of her early childhood so it's all my fault. Help! Sorry this is so long but I wanted to show the whole picture.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Sharper, and 

It sounds like you've been going through things with your daughter that a lot of other parents in our community will understand. As parents we usually want the best for our children no matter what age they are, and that can be difficult when it feels like that very child is fighting you on everything! It's good knowing we're not alone and knowing you don't have to walk through this by yourself.

It can really help in our BPD r/s (relationship) to learn tools for more effective communication with them since they come from a different perspective than we do. For instance, here's one of the tools you can learn:Arguing - don't engage. And that blaming thing? So familiar and so common!

We need to learn to take care of ourselves too since these r/s can be pretty wearing, and like you said, you have other children to take care of. You'll find those tools here too.

We also have boards where there are senior members with lots of knowledge and experience who can answer questions and guide you toward great reading that will help you understand the way your daughter's brain works and the tools to help you relate better.  Is she living with you currently? How does her behavior affect her younger siblings?

Looking forward to hearing more!

df99

[sharper1971]

My BPD daughter moved out last Wednesday and we had a huge fight before she left. She has only come to get her bed and clothes and left the rest of the room a mess with stuff all over. My question is she received a cheque today and is texting my youngest daughter to see if it's here and I want to know if I should ask her to move the rest of her stuff before I give it to her? She also owes me money but I know this is going to cause a big fight and my normal reaction is either to just give her what she wants or argue with her. I am new here so I am really not sure what to do. I want to set boundaries and let her deal with the consequences but I just feel so guilty when I don't give in to her and she is upset. Please help asap 

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, sharper1971 & 

I'm really sorry to hear your story about your daughter (I read your other thread first), and it sounds very stressful! I'm also on this site because I have an adult child with BPD; my 36 year old son. It can really be difficult communicating and dealing with our BPD loved ones, and what most of us have found is that once we learn how to talk to them without pushing every one of their buttons, their whole attitude and reaction to us can really get better. I know that right now you are concerned about her coming home and wanting her check, and how to talk to her to get what you would like: her room cleaned out and her stuff out of there.

Have you done any reading around this site yet? Here are some links that will explain how her brain works, and how to communicate better with her: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. Let me give you an example... .

When your daughter comes to your house, she may already be riled up because she is expecting you to give her a hard time, and because you've already had harsh words with each other in the recent past. In order to defuse her agitation, you just need to kind of put yourself in her shoes, and try to feel like she feels. Now, validation means you listen to her, and then let her know you understand how she feels (you don't need to agree with her feelings, just understand them). When we use the S.E.T. technique, we communicate with her using Support, Empathy and the finally Truth, in a non-judgmental way. This information is in the links I gave you above.

So, maybe something like this would make things go smoothly with your daughter:

":)aughter (or whatever her name is, of course), I realize you are upset about the way things went with us last Wednesday, and I understand that you must feel very angry (or sad, or whatever you think she feels). It must be very stressful having to move your stuff out, and everything involved with the moving, and something like that would stress me out, too. We do have your check somewhere here, and I was wondering if you could take the rest of your belongings while I go find it, and then you'll have your check and your room cleaned out at the same time... ."

I'm not saying that is perfect, but you know your daughter better than I do, and you will see her mood when she comes home, and you can adapt the way you talk to her when you can get an idea of how she is feeling. If you have the time to read the links I gave you, that would help a lot... .Also, if you look to the right side of the margin on this page (you may have to scroll up to see this), you will find many wonderful links to get the communication tools and information you need to help navigate this relationship. It really does help, and I recommend reading all you can; once we understand how our loved one sees the world (and our BPD children do see the world differently than we do), and understand how to talk to them in a way that doesn't push their buttons, things really can get better! 

[peaceplease]

sharpie,

I just wanted to say hello.  I, too, read your intro post, and I can understand about the walking on eggshells.  I think many of us have had those moments with our children with BPD.

Raptreader gave you some excellent suggestions.  You can predict how your dd will react.  I like how raptreader worded a conversation that you can have with your dd.  Sounds quite validating and that you are willing to help her while she clears up the mess.

I am glad that you found bpdfamily board.  This is a wonderful site with so much support.  Let us know how it goes with your dd.

peaceplease

[DreamFlyer99]

Sharper, sorry about my absence! I was traveling and ended up with a nasty cold and lost my brain somewhere along the way... . 

Rapt Reader rocks. She has a really great handle on the issues you are dealing with, and anything she suggests you read is a great place to start. It's definitely a learning process, bettering our skills for communication with a loved one with BPD. The important and good part is, we can learn!

The starting point for the way a pwBPD thinks can be so very different from ours, so what we think is logical may not be to them. This makes it essential for us to learn what are triggers for them so we can come at our communication from the best direction possible.

Has the conversation happened with your daughter yet?