I struggle to be consistently empathic with others

[qcarolr]

There is a real stuggle going on in me to get to a strong enough place internally - a letting go fo my own traumas - before I can be consistently empathic with others. So often the behaviors trigger my own sense of unworthiness, failure, rejection. And this is often at a body level - not in my consicous awareness. I feel resistence in myself as well as coming from my pwBPD (my BPDDD27).

When I am able to be aware, be in the moment with myself, then I can have some success with communications with DD.

If DD is in a dysregulated emotional state - ie. her acting out behaviors are in full swing - then she is not able to take in my empathic, validating actions. Only by taking  a break, saying I love her and will be available when things settle. And usually, eventually, she is able to approach me from a better place. Or I am able to approach her from a better place. Sometimes this takes a lot of time - I keep sending out little messages that I care.

It is hard to feel rejected. It triggers our own self-protective defenses. Mindfulness practices can help me find an awareness of this triggering. I continue to work on both the practices and letting go of my feelings of inadequecy and rejection.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Have been a little sunk in too deep with my 'empathy' for DD. Find myself stuck, imagining sitting on her bunk in jail with my face in my hands feeling lost and afraid and alone. Immobilizing effect - not supportive for her or me.

Working on self-awareness of my negative thinking loops and finding help shifting those. Asking for feedback to the inaccuracies in my thinking. DH has been a big help with this as I am more open to hearing him.

Impact of these things is not being open to supporting others on the board - feeling that all i have to share would be a hijack or filled with my negative energy. The improvement is my awareness of this today so I can be here posting.

DD's hearing is Thursday. She is anxious about her current status in jail is on a new charge. My complaint re: violation of no contact at our house and the impacts on gd8 led to her arrest. She fears the time in jail will be applied to the previous sentence and there will be new sanctions for this new no-contact violation charge. All I can say during our daily phone call is we cannot know the outcome ahead of time.

Working on reminding myself this choice to file complaint was the right thing for me to do -- it was protective for gd8 and myself --  it pushed the consequences forward in time. DD's attitudes and resistance to following the rules about friends in our home (and neighborhood) were deeply ingrained and eventually would have led to the same outcome. Only there would have been greater damage to all of us. I can feel sadness about situation and let go of remorse, regrets, guilt. Working with both gd's T and mine is helpful, painful, scary.

Prayers for my peace of mind this week, letting go of strong desire to predict the future. To make plans. To occupy my mind with this business. Prayers to stay connected in my daily life vs. desire to dissociate, escape to that imaginary non-place.

Even if there are no replies to this post, I will know you all care and are here with me.

qcr

ps. am I feeling sorry for myself here, or reaching out for help?

[lbjnltx]

qcarolr, who do you trust to take this burden from you?  Do you truly believe that you did the right thing?

[qcarolr]

lbj - you posted while I was typing below. I do struggle that anyone can take this burden from me, even God. I daily lift these worries to Him in prayer. He says to me - give them over, I promise to take care of you, provide you what you need for today. And then as the day goes on, I take them back. Thinking thinking, planning planning. Dh reminds me how pointless all this is since we cannot predict the future, and it is ALWAYS different that my thinking and planning.


The other thing coming up for me is how to label what I am experiencing. Is this sadness in my being - shame, or from my actions - guilt?

What are my thoughts?

I am a failure as a mom to DD. I cannot repair all the injuries I inflicted in those many moments of bad parenting. When I was depressed, suicidal, manic/raging... .when DD was little. Bipolar or BPD traits -- I have worked hard to change who I am. I feel so much like the same bad person.

Ok -- this is definitely shame speaking. My awareness of this has come in therapy the past month.

I made a choice, very consciously and with some awareness of the potential for consequences to myself (ie. guilt to cope with) and to DD (more jail time, loss of contact with gd8... .). I have suffered guilt over this choice in past month. I am coming to a place of this guilt doing what positive impacts guilt can provide. Moving me to action. Choosing to increase my exposure to therapy. Choosing to figure out what I am willing to do for DD, an working it out with DH so we can support each other in accomplishing this -- and letting go of the things we are choosing not to do for her.

I will continue to accept a daily phone call. I will be honest with my feelings and thoughts and actions in those calls while being as validating as possible.

I will continue to work on accepting the limits that the T has asked for around GD contact with her mom. If DD gets released, she cannot come to the neighborhood (not just our home), she cannot go trick-or-treating with gd, visits away from our home will be coordinated with T's input and restrictions. In play therapy Gd has taken the adult figure out from under the mountain now to be there with child figure as protector.

Dh and I will provide for DD a place to live temporarily for up to a year after her release. Dh believes we can give this unconditionally. Conditions will come from the property management and from the courts. We cannot proceed with this until after court on Thursday to know when she will be released.

Dh and I will provide her cell phone after her release.

We will supplement bus passes as needed. The probation program has some bus passes available.

Dh and I will continue to pay $50 per month to court fees on her payment plan. She does not need a warrant hanging over her on this.

We will continue to encourage her to work with the resources in community, mental health and probation for her daily needs - job skills training, living skills training, mental health treatment, drug/alcohol treatment.

I have told her our r/s will be on a new level in our call last night. She says 'do not abandon me'. I replied that I am here for her, but not in a day to day support. SHe has others to reach out to for this. I am here to support her safety in a place to live, cell phone, and bus transportation support.

The last statement before the one minute warning and disconnect was to her question about GD. That she would not be having contact with her immediately when she is released. CLICK.

Will cope with her response to this when she calls today. Praying for guidance to be validating. I have already spoken the truth, and it was hard to say.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

lbj - you posted while I was typing below. I do struggle that anyone can take this burden from me, even God. I daily lift these worries to Him in prayer. He says to me - give them over, I promise to take care of you, provide you what you need for today. And then as the day goes on, I take them back. Thinking thinking, planning planning. Dh reminds me how pointless all this is since we cannot predict the future, and it is ALWAYS different that my thinking and planning.

There is always the "do over" qcarolr.  Be mindful of your thoughts and keep giving it back to God.  The good news is that we can't wear Him out, that He has the love and patience for us and waits for you to give it back each time you take it from Him.

The other thing coming up for me is how to label what I am experiencing. Is this sadness in my being - shame, or from my actions - guilt?

What are my thoughts?

I am a failure as a mom to DD. I cannot repair all the injuries I inflicted in those many moments of bad parenting. When I was depressed, suicidal, manic/raging... .when DD was little. Bipolar or BPD traits -- I have worked hard to change who I am. I feel so much like the same bad person.

Ok -- this is definitely shame speaking. My awareness of this has come in therapy the past month.

Shame thrives in darkness and hidden places.  Write your d a letter and confess these things to her and anyone else that needs this truth.  I believe you will find freedom from the guilt and have a better ability to move forward and be in the present as will they.

I made a choice, very consciously and with some awareness of the potential for consequences to myself (ie. guilt to cope with) and to DD (more jail time, loss of contact with gd8... .). I have suffered guilt over this choice in past month. I am coming to a place of this guilt doing what positive impacts guilt can provide. Moving me to action. Choosing to increase my exposure to therapy. Choosing to figure out what I am willing to do for DD, an working it out with DH so we can support each other in accomplishing this -- and letting go of the things we are choosing not to do for her.

Are you confusing guilt with fear?

I will continue to accept a daily phone call. I will be honest with my feelings and thoughts and actions in those calls while being as validating as possible.

I will continue to work on accepting the limits that the T has asked for around GD contact with her mom. If DD gets released, she cannot come to the neighborhood (not just our home), she cannot go trick-or-treating with gd, visits away from our home will be coordinated with T's input and restrictions. In play therapy Gd has taken the adult figure out from under the mountain now to be there with child figure as protector.

Dh and I will provide for DD a place to live temporarily for up to a year after her release. Dh believes we can give this unconditionally. Conditions will come from the property management and from the courts. We cannot proceed with this until after court on Thursday to know when she will be released.

Dh and I will provide her cell phone after her release.

We will supplement bus passes as needed. The probation program has some bus passes available.

Dh and I will continue to pay $50 per month to court fees on her payment plan. She does not need a warrant hanging over her on this.

We will continue to encourage her to work with the resources in community, mental health and probation for her daily needs - job skills training, living skills training, mental health treatment, drug/alcohol treatment.

While it is good to have boundaries and convey them I can see that you are still not able to just sit with the situation and let go of control.

I have told her our r/s will be on a new level in our call last night. She says 'do not abandon me'. I replied that I am here for her, but not in a day to day support. SHe has others to reach out to for this. I am here to support her safety in a place to live, cell phone, and bus transportation support.

The last statement before the one minute warning and disconnect was to her question about GD. That she would not be having contact with her immediately when she is released. CLICK.

Will cope with her response to this when she calls today. Praying for guidance to be validating. I have already spoken the truth, and it was hard to say.

qcr

As parents we must be willing to go through the painful experiences ourselves.  We must be able to endure and not rescue them from the lessons that can teach/promote change and better choices.  How we endure is our testimony to them, it is our modeling of behaviors that we want them to engage in. 

If you want your d to let go of shame and guilt let it go yourself.

If you want your d to have healthy boundaries have healthy boundaries yourself.

If you want your d to trust you, trust yourself.

If you want your d to take care of herself take care your yourself.

I think qcarolr that you could greatly benefit from posting on the Personal Inventory Board to get support for yourself and feedback and greater understanding about your internal struggles and how to move forward into a greater love and respect for yourself.  You are deeply wounded and those wounds need to be tended to, just as your d needs her wounds tended to.

I believe in you and your ability and desire to do this, not for anyone else than yourself who truly deserves peace and joy.

[catsprt]

qcarol,

our BPDchildren teach us that we can ask but that the answer belongs to God

our expression is a combination of the mind (and the advice on this board) and the heart

sometimes the mind gets overwhelmed and the heart needs to take over

in your heart there is God, Peace, Love and tears

my thoughts & prayers go to you

C

[peaceplease]

qcr,

You have some great replies from lbj and catsport. I have nothing new to add.  Just wanted to let you know that  you are in my thoughts and prayers, too.  


peaceplease

[qcarolr]

I continue to struggle with understanding 'letting go'. I read the links and so many are about taking care of ourselves so we can stay connected. I get confused with how my actions miss this goal. Am I limited in my ability to find self-care? Are my actions beyond staying connected moving into being enmeshed and enabling?

There are beliefs I hold about being a mom that need to be better undertstood and maybe adjusted in relation to DD. There is confusion in me between what I can offer to gd and what my limits are now in what I can offer to DD.

I will work in that letter of forgiveness with DD. Not for her to forgive me, for me to forgive myself and make amends that are healty. Maybe not at this place yet.

Here is a quote that explains what I strive for - this applies to gd since I am her parent and she needs this level of guidance in our r/s. It is from Heather Forbes (BCI.org - Beyond Consequences, Love and Logic) in her book ":)are to Love". I attended a workshop with her Saturday - it supports all that BPFFamily is giving to me.

"only you [parent] can be the one who makes this experience a positive one with your child. Parenting at a higher level of consciousness takes first loving ourselves so deeply that when our children do the things they do, we do not have to react. We do not have to interpret the behavior as rejection. We do not have to see ourselves as a "bad or ineffective" parent. We love ourselves so much that we are unshakable and we are able to respond from a place of unconditional love, taking responsibility through understanding, acceptance, patience, kindness and flexibility.

For me this is learning to take responsibilty for myself and letting both DD be responsibile for herself. Letting gd be responsibile for herself.

There are many wounds I am working with. Get discouraged. Have been working on myself for so very long. What progress have I made.

If the staff deems it appropriate to move this thread to the Personal Inventory Board - that is OK with me. I do not want to start it over there.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

I continue to struggle with understanding 'letting go'. I read the links and so many are about taking care of ourselves so we can stay connected. I get confused with how my actions miss this goal. Am I limited in my ability to find self-care? Are my actions beyond staying connected moving into being enmeshed and enabling?

Letting Go=Detaching with Love

As children grow up and mature the process of individuation is occurring. If our children have BPD or other disorders this process is interrupted.  As their parents we can keep the process of individuation alive by detaching with love.  It is not a healthy thing to continue to be enmeshed or co dependent with them.  Like a momma bird, we must keep pushing them out of the nest even as they fight to remain in the nest.  We push them out so that they can learn to fly and become separate and whole beings apart from us.  We continue to be a source of support and not enable them to base their identity on who they are to us. In turn we also cannot base our identity on who we are to them.

If we are enmeshed and/or codependent we can begin the process of individuation from them and for them.

Here is an excerpt from the site workshop on Enmeshment.  If you would like to participate in this workshop, here is the link:  TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Co Dependency

I recently read this on detachment and it definitely resonated for me in terms of family relationships:

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

From: www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/#ixzz1Qlo8ii2d

One of the issues I see with adult children as well as siblings of pwBPD is that since we've been in these relationships all or most of our lives, we have to untangle our identities from that of the pwBPD. We're so busy coping with the drama or the after effects of the drama of these relationships that we don't always have the energy to discover who we actually are. Detachment is a way to gain a foothold on yourself.

Might be worth going down the list of elements of detachment and see what hits you (if anything).

B&W

[qcarolr]

Well, each item in the detachment list hits some place in me. And I can look back and see that I have heartily resisted all these with many people in my life. And some of those people have created emotional distance FROM ME. Maybe I can get this now - that they detached with love. All of my siblings (3 brothers and 3 sisters plus spouses). And when I did not get the support I was seeking, I pulled away from them and isolated myself. This really started with our custody for gd while still allowing DD to be in our home and having significant power in our lives - dh and I.

I have to find the courage this time to work through all this, in the safety of therapy, and not turn away when it gets hard. It is getting hard, and I want to turn away. I will move this conversation to the link you provided lbj.

qcr

[Verbena]

qcr, you've been on my mind this week as I know tomorrow is a big day for you with your daughter's hearing.  I will continue to pray for a positive outcome. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

verbena - thanks so much for remembering me and my DD. I am anxious and also feeling the sadness of her not being able to live with us - though that has not been good this year. It has been good at times in the past. There are good and fun memories when I look for them.

DD is anxious yet trying to remain calm. Has a headache tonight when she called. The calls the past 3 days have been good. Reassure her each day that yes, I will be at court. Yes I will meet her at the jail if she is released to probation. Yes, she can come get her stuff and her dog and then I will take her to the motel reserved for her by dh and I.

She was able to share about her dorm-mates hoping they get someone to replace her as nice -- not someone really crazy. She says she has made some friends in her dorm, and hopes they can support each other on the outside.

My fear is that I will be over-emotional tomorrow. Geez it undoes things when I cry - can be embarassing. Dh suggests I start the day with a small tranquilizer to take the edge off. Maybe this will be helpful.

Gd has another mom meeting her at the school bus and taking her home for a playdate. Then dh will be home to go get her. So I have set aside the day for DD.

Then to move on from there one day at a time. I know DD will be lonely. She has already said she needs some company. I am limited in spending time with her at motel by many things -- work, appointments, or have gd with me. Gd is not ready to visit her mom yet. Have to clear this with T. I have appt. with gd's T on Friday afternoon.

These limits on my time may be good -- DD has to find her own way. Esp. to stay away from toxic old friends. Esp. the exbf.

Day at a time.

qcr