Newbie, my BPDex caused me to run from relationships and women.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First time posting on here and ill try to keep it short.

I'm two years out of a BPD relationship which had a duration of 3 years. I have suffered from OCD my whole life and not to toot my own horn but I do have high intelligence which has caused me to feel out of tune with others. I guess one could say I was the lonely child growing up. My mind wondered to the far reaches of the galaxy or to the atomic world rather than playing sports growing up.

Those two qualities which really nailed me in the behind and led me to fall into this Venus fly trap.

My relationship with my BPDex, in my perspective, was such a deep bond. I can't hold anything dearer to my heart than that. During a huge snowstorm, she got food poisoning and we were trapped in our home. Because I loved her, I had no issue with wiping her behind when she had no strength left in her. Well, that's not why I'm here.


She made me feel like I am not good enough, for myself and for other women. I love women but I get some sort of anxiety trying to talk with them. Her passive aggressive words of derision crippled whatever courage I had left to muster up and speak with women. In so doing, I refrained from all of that. Whenever I saw a beautiful woman walking by I wouldn't even look her way. "She won't like me because of my house, my earnings", and whatever other socio-economic label one can put on. After a year of doing this, I was filled with shame that I was still affected by her while she is having carnal activity with other men without a problem.

I had shame in the sense that I was still thinking about her and shame that I feel that I'm not good enough for women although my love and what I have to offer is true. I had 2 opportunities to date, one of them exhibited too many red flags while the other caused me to have such anxiety. What if she laughs at the car I drive? Where I live? My home?  I don't want to feel that rejection again.

I run away.  I don't know if I could get close. I even questioned if I like women anymore!  because why I am running away, i want to be in a meaningful relationship but i feel as if it would never happen, why am I not looking at women, why am I not the man who I once was? I'm on here to see if there's life out there who knows? Who understands... .who feels what I feel.

[Tryingnottoslip]

First time posting on here and ill try to keep it short.

I'm two years out of a BPD relationship which had a duration of 3 years. I have suffered from OCD my whole life and not to toot my own horn but I do have high intelligence which has caused me to feel out of tune with others. I guess one could say I was the lonely child growing up. My mind wondered to the far reaches of the galaxy or to the atomic world rather than playing sports growing up.

Those two qualities which really nailed me in the behind and led me to fall into this Venus fly trap.

My relationship with my BPDex, in my perspective, was such a deep bond. I can't hold anything dearer to my heart than that. During a huge snowstorm, she got food poisoning and we were trapped in our home. Because I loved her, I had no issue with wiping her behind when she had no strength left in her. Well, that's not why I'm here.


She made me feel like I am not good enough, for myself and for other women. I love women but I get some sort of anxiety trying to talk with them. Her passive aggressive words of derision crippled whatever courage I had left to muster up and speak with women. In so doing, I refrained from all of that. Whenever I saw a beautiful woman walking by I wouldn't even look her way. "She won't like me because of my house, my earnings", and whatever other socio-economic label one can put on. After a year of doing this, I was filled with shame that I was still affected by her while she is having carnal activity with other men without a problem.

I had shame in the sense that I was still thinking about her and shame that I feel that I'm not good enough for women although my love and what I have to offer is true. I had 2 opportunities to date, one of them exhibited too many red flags while the other caused me to have such anxiety. What if she laughs at the car I drive? Where I live? My home?  I don't want to feel that rejection again.

I run away.  I don't know if I could get close. I even questioned if I like women anymore!  because why I am running away, i want to be in a meaningful relationship but i feel as if it would never happen, why am I not looking at women, why am I not the man who I once was? I'm on here to see if there's life out there who knows? Who understands... .who feels what I feel.

[Lady31]

Hey Trying,

I feel like you do to some degree only with men.  For women, there isn't the same pressure regarding the car, the house, etc. as men are still seen as the providers.  (At least for the most part.) 

My issue to be quite frank is sexually.  My exh did a real number on me there where I never had a problem before.  It's hard for me to imagine getting close to a man again as the rejection was absolutely horrific.  My ex had NPD traits as well and now after the fact I see a lot of what he did as a way of control and to PURPOSELY wreck my self esteem because he felt threatened by my beauty and accomplishments as a woman.

Even though I can LOGICALLY deduce this to be truth, I still FEEL inadequate on some level.  I think it will take a long time to heal - and in reality, I don't think all healing from these types of fears can be done alone.

I think first we have to get over the ex and process all of it, but some of those fears will only go away when we start dating again and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to someone.  And then working through those fears/anxieties that come up while dating someone new.

I know - it is a fear that leaves you feeling lonely wondering if you will ever have someone/be able to let yourself connect with someone again.

In time, we will gain more and more confidence to allow ourselves to get close to people again.

[snappafcw]

I really empathise with you Tryingnottoslip.

In the process of painting me black My exBPDgf proceeded to tell me I don't make enough money and that her family thought I was a bum. I think telling a man he is not financially good enough is like telling a lady she is not pretty enough It really stings. Especially after all the gifts, money, haircuts, presents etc that I have her. Ok I wasn't rich but she never went without or paid for anything. Because of this I also find it hard being vulnerable around women I have massive walls up but at the very least I am just doing my thing for now. I'm sure over time with the right steps it will get better we just need to keep working on our worth. Id love some advice from others on this too

Just one more thing Tryingnottoslip there are real women out there who just want to be treated right and will believe in their men no matter if they are rich or poor i promise you!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Tryingnottoslip. Welcome and good first post! 

I don't think you are in any way alone in how you feel. A lot of people feel ashamed and that they're not "good enough". Many people feel that way without having suffered the erosion of self confidence that sometimes results from being in a BPD relationship. One of my dearest friends is socially paralyzed by feelings of shame of not being "good enough". I personally know that whenever I have a relationship end, I am often plagued by feelings of "what is wrong with me" and "why wasn't I enough"?

And fear of rejection? Yes that is common too. So many people don't take chances solely because of their fear of rejection.

Tryingnottoslip, it sounds like you are struggling with some important things, but you are intelligent enough to recognize them. And that is the first step in addressing them. You can do it. It may take time and effort, but nothing worthwhile was ever easy. 

[Tryingnottoslip]

Thank you all, it's a nice sight to see other ships out on the horizon.

It's been hell in my mind.

I've suffered from OCD all my life. I had it under control until the break up, in which I fixated over it. My mind was on overdrive, rethinking and ruminating, I could never physically catch up to it if I were to race my mind.

I avoided thinking about women and sex for two reasons. They reminded me of my BPDex and our relationship and the fact that she's having sex with other men. Secondly, it reminded me of the fact that I am lonely and have not been intimate with a woman since her. And that brings me shame. mixed in with self pity.

I see an attractive woman, I feel near paralyzed.

I'm no good, she won't like me, I'd like to date her and maybe have carnal activity with her one day. No stop don't think about that, you haven't had sex or been with someone since her. It's been so long. Pitiful.

I don't want her, heck I can't even get turned on by her anymore. I haven't contacted her in 2 years.

I just want to break free of this shame, of this inadequacy she left me in. I don't want her to validate me. I want to do that on my own.

[snappafcw]

Tryingnottoslip thank you once again for sharing your story this must be incredibly hard for you. My situation is similar to yours. Its 10 months on for me and I'm scared to date and I also feel inadequate. It still kills me to think my Ex is being intimate with other men because i thought what we shared was special and Its all a lie. I'm scared of being vulnerable with someone again because I feel like on an emotional level im running on fumes now. I know we have issues and all that to work out but most of us here are genuinely very nice people it just seems like such a high price to pay... .

On a positive note.

Although I still get sad a lot I am so much better than when this first happened and at least im almost entirely accepting for the situation for what it is, I also have faith that someone will prove me wrong one day. It does get better I promise but just takes way more time than i would like.

[saw_tooth]

Trying,

Your BPD ex was insecure and full of self loathing and projected these on to you.Her making you feel not 'good enough' for her/other women was her way to get you to try harder at pleasing her and in turn not leaving her thus allaying her then abandonment fears.Also,this gave her the upper hand in the relationship.

Many BPD's use money,success and power as a way to feel validated and thus escape from 'feeling dirty' from within temporarily.Since we spend a lot of time around them,this rubs off on us as well and we try to jump through hoops to earn enough so that the BPD loves us back.

This toxic process shatters a non's self esteem completely.

The shame that you feel is a remnant from the time you shared with her.It is her's,not yours.Throw it back in her face and free yourself from it.This will take work.Do it.

Give yourself some more time for self reflection and healing.

Only when you heal,build a functional and healthy self esteem and let go of everything that she has 'given' you will you be able to enter and sustain a new relationship.

Take care,good luck.

[Tryingnottoslip]

Snappa & sawtooth

Both your posts helped me out. I know she projected her emptiness onto me and it is hanging on with such vehemence. It's a shame really, you can reciet the many BPD behaviors and even spot BPD behavior from a mile away. In my case, and in others (just speculating) it doesn't click. We know... .But we don't fully understand.

They're sick. It's an mentl illness just like my OCD. I think most people have trouble understand this, we may even know the pathology, behavior, time, date, triggers, etc.

I want heal. I'm responsible for it.