My son and husband got into a fight that left my husband injured

[Barbgnc]

Last night my son and husband got into a fight that left my husband injured.  We have a 24 year old that has been struggling for many years with personality and mood disorder.  We are at out wits end.  His rages are getting worse.  I should have had him hospitalized but I was afraid the cops would come and have to restrain him and then who knows what.  He is not always this way.  He is suffering horribly but we are also terribly affected by him and don't know what to do, how to deal with him or find the right help for him

There's so much more too

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Barbgnc,

We are glad that you are here and sharing your concerns with us.  I'm sorry that the situation has escalated to violence.

Do you feel like you are all safe at this time?  It would be a good idea to have a safety plan in place in case a situation like this happens again.

Here is a link to help you make decisions:

Safety First

Once you have a plan in place to keep yourself safe I think that you and your family can greatly benefit from learning how to avoid the escalation towards violence.

Here is a link to some information from the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

Video: Tools to Reduce Conflict

Does your son live with you and your husband?  Are there other children in the home?

Has he been in therapy?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the video and learning the answers to my questions to better understand how to help.

lbjnltx

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Barbgnc... .I would like to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to this site. What you experienced is awful, and the confusion and trauma can be debilitating at times. I totally understand being torn between wanting to protect yourself and your family, and also doing the right thing for your son. Please read the links that lbj gave you above; they can really give you a starting point in navigating those waters... .

To the right side of the margin on this page (you may have to scroll up at this point where my post is to find them) there are many links to information that could change your relationship with your son and also be life-changing for your whole family. A few good links to read about diffusing rages are Arguing - don't engage, Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement , Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

Obviously, the highest priority is keeping yourself and your family safe (and lbj's links are a must to read first), and only you and your husband can know if you would need to get law enforcement or some sort of inpatient medical facility involved. If your son has not been diagnosed and is not in therapy already, that also would be a priority if possible.

What the links I just gave you accomplish is helping you understand how your son's mind could be working, and how to learn the proper communication tools in order to communicate with him better in order to help him become less dysregulated when he is emotionally uncontrollable. Although you cannot change your son, you can change the way you communicate and deal with him. And when you are able to do that, he will most likely change the way he reacts to you, and things can get more stabilized.

But, your safety is first and foremost... .Can you tell us more of your story? I'm interested in the same things as lbj mentioned above: Does your son live with you? Do you have other children? Has he ever been diagnosed, had therapy? Is he is therapy now? There are ways for people with BPD to realize the reasons for their troubles and to get help for them, and to even get a whole lot better. Please tell us more of your story, and ask your questions so we can guide you better... .

[Barbgnc]

Thanks for your reply.   I'm having a little trouble navigating the message boards but i'll get it with a little practice.

My son, who will be 25 is raging at me now.  He appears to be breaking up with his Gf of three years and is out of control.  I feel so sad and hopeless, so guilty.  Yes I know I shouldn't feel guilty.  I am shell shocked.  How did he get so unhappy, dysfunctional, unable to cope with living in this world.  He is miserable, scared, feels like a damaged soul, has nightmares, night terrors.the truth is my husband and I have been very close with him in the past.  He is an only child so we have spent a lot time together and I'd have to say we were good parentsHe now calls me the most vile of names, tells me to look at him and see what a damaged person I created!  He takes my breath away.  Yes I know this is his illness.  I would gladly take any abuse if he would only get well. 

He has been in therapy for many years.  Has a psychiatrist and therapist.  We're also trying to get him into a DBT Program.  So far nothing has really worked

He was playing classical music at age 6. Everyone told him he was a musical genius and would be the kid to make it. He got into computer music and tried to be a producer.  No one knew at the time that his mental issues would get in the way and he proceeded to fail at everything he did- and of course it was always someone else's fault.  I've always felt that the same thing that has made him a music phenom may have been connected to his illness.

There is so much more but as I read the posts, they all have similar stories.  Police, rages, crisis after crisis.  So I sit in my house. My son lives in an apt attached to our house.  I have locked my doors and hope that I won't be faced with another crisis tonight.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit

[lbjnltx]

Sounds very scary Barbgnc!

Have you made a safety plan? 

How can we help?

[Rapt Reader]

Barbgnc... .Does his Doctor, Therapist or Psychiatrist have any ideas for him to get help? Like some sort of Residential Treatment Center or Intensive Outpatient Program? Do they even know the extent of his dysregulation and violence? It's hard for me to understand why they haven't suggested something more than the therapies he is getting right now, if he is doing so poorly.

You say he has a Therapist and a Psychiatrist... .Does he have substance abuse problems? I ask this because if he is Dual Diagnosed with mental health issues (BPD, etc.) and also substance abuse, an Intensive Inpatient Dual Diagnosis Program would be a good option, also. It's different than just Rehab or some sort of hospitalization; it's amazing how it can help people figure out the reasons for their symptoms and behaviors and then teach them how to deal with them.

If you have an interest in something like that, my adult (36) son's story of being in a program like that is the link in blue in my signature line at the bottom of this post. I highly recommend something like that if your son qualifies for such a thing. Also, if you haven't read any of the links that lbjnltx and I gave you above, that would be a good start for information. And the links to the right margin of this page are filled with a lot of great insights and advice and info.

Are you safe tonight? Is your husband at home? Please keep us updated... .

[Kate4queen]

Last night my son and husband got into a fight that left my husband injured.  We have a 24 year old that has been struggling for many years with personality and mood disorder.  We are at out wits end.  His rages are getting worse.  I should have had him hospitalized but I was afraid the cops would come and have to restrain him and then who knows what.  He is not always this way.  He is suffering horribly but we are also terribly affected by him and don't know what to do, how to deal with him or find the right help for him

There's so much more too

I hate to say this but sometimes getting the cops involved is the best way to proceed. It's very tough because as  parents you feel exposed to the outside world and you worry what people will think of you and what your adult child will say about you to the authorities. I lived through those fears but in the end, calling the cops and setting a boundary that physical intimidation (my son is 22) was not acceptable and would mean the police becoming involved was important for us as a family to start drawing a line. We could not live in fear in our own home. and you shouldn't have to either.

Best.