Lashing out after daughter's weekends with exBPDh

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm horrified to find myself frustrated and lashing out when my daughter gets home from my exBPDh's on the weekends. My fear is that it is due to jealousy.

The time he spends with her is always "fun".  Fishing all day Saturday, watching TV until midnight, sleeping in until 10, and then dropping her off at my place after 3 on sunday. He asks her if she has homework, but when she says "not much", he takes her word for it. When she gets back to my place and doesn't have her homework done, I have a stressed-out 7th grader (who has ADD) too tired to pay attention and finishing up math homework at 1030 Sunday night; then up at 630 to be at school by 715 for Jazz band.

So last night I texted exBPDh and said "When D12 stays with you, would you please make sure she either completes some of her homework or takes her medicine Sunday morning so that she doesn't struggle as much with it?". This turned into a back and forth with him telling me that I have primary care and should know what she has FOR hw, that I don't do any better job than him so I better stop pointing fingers, that he would never put his daughter in jeopardy, etc.  When I reiterate that I asked him to do 1 of 2 things, get some HW done or make sure she is up in time to take her medicine Sunday, he goes into saying "maybe you should know too. Stop making me look like I have no idea. U have already make me look like a crazy person to everyone we know."   Totally off topic and not true.  But then I actually feel GUILTY like my asking him and being frustrated has triggered him into this tailspin. 

I believe he is trying to do fun things with her, and think that is great. But just like so many others, I am tired of being the "bad guy" when homework isn't done, instrument hasn't been practiced, etc.  And finding a way to communicate that his time with her is to also be a parent, including homework, band practice, etc. feels impossible.  If I send him a reminder about something, he'll text or email back "Thanks mom"; if I don't send him reminders it is my fault that he missed something.  I need an emoticon for **FRUSTRATED**

[thinkingthinking]

I'm horrified to find myself frustrated and lashing out when my daughter gets home from my exBPDh's on the weekends. My fear is that it is due to jealousy.

The time he spends with her is always "fun".  Fishing all day Saturday, watching TV until midnight, sleeping in until 10, and then dropping her off at my place after 3 on sunday. He asks her if she has homework, but when she says "not much", he takes her word for it. When she gets back to my place and doesn't have her homework done, I have a stressed-out 7th grader (who has ADD) too tired to pay attention and finishing up math homework at 1030 Sunday night; then up at 630 to be at school by 715 for Jazz band.

So last night I texted exBPDh and said "When D12 stays with you, would you please make sure she either completes some of her homework or takes her medicine Sunday morning so that she doesn't struggle as much with it?". This turned into a back and forth with him telling me that I have primary care and should know what she has FOR hw, that I don't do any better job than him so I better stop pointing fingers, that he would never put his daughter in jeopardy, etc.  When I reiterate that I asked him to do 1 of 2 things, get some HW done or make sure she is up in time to take her medicine Sunday, he goes into saying "maybe you should know too. Stop making me look like I have no idea. U have already make me look like a crazy person to everyone we know."   Totally off topic and not true.  But then I actually feel GUILTY like my asking him and being frustrated has triggered him into this tailspin. 

I believe he is trying to do fun things with her, and think that is great. But just like so many others, I am tired of being the "bad guy" when homework isn't done, instrument hasn't been practiced, etc.  And finding a way to communicate that his time with her is to also be a parent, including homework, band practice, etc. feels impossible.  If I send him a reminder about something, he'll text or email back "Thanks mom"; if I don't send him reminders it is my fault that he missed something.  I need an emoticon for **FRUSTRATED**

[Waddams]

Just a suggestion - but don't ask.  Lay it out for him.  Daughter has <laundry list of specific HW assignments>.  Please have her complete them while she's with you.  Or better yet, tell her to take her school stuff with her and make it her job to keep up with her HW in a responsible manner, no matter who she is with.  It's her HW, she's got to start learning how to be responsible for it.

[crystal]

I called it the ":)isney Dad' syndrome.  My ex did exactly the same thing, and I did what you did and it hurt my relationship with my Son. 

how to fix it? Well, you cant change the Disney dad thing (all fun all the time!) But Ideally the three of you should go to counseling to develop co-parenting strategy. If that is not possible, how bout you make it a habit to sit down with your daughter EVERY WEEK (Not just when seh is going to Dads), before the weekend (thursday night? Friday after school?) and help her list out her homework, and develop a plan for when she will do it. Let her take primary responsibility. And ask her how she can remember to take her meds. This will help her take responsiiblity AND get you out of the middle a little bit. You can even ask her if you can share hte plan with dad--or ask her if she will. 

[thinkingthinking]

Thank you for the reality check.  It is true that d12 needs to be responsible and take the consequences when she doesn't get homework done. 

And sadly, despite the "fun" they have, she complains that she can't talk to her dad and that she just doesn't feel like she has a dad anymore. That makes me feel like the divorce has been worse for her than I thought.

I know I couldn't live with him anymore, but it is just so hard to make it okay for the kids.

[crystal]

 You and your daughter have my sympathy! It IS hard. Very hard. And yet, we need to let them figure out what kind of relationship they can have with the BPD parent.  If we try to tell them, it will fail.  When I was in your position, I spent most of my time with my therapist talking about this stuff-- how to parent in this unbalanced life, how to protect my kids as I allowed them to grow and figure stuff out on their own.  And the big one for me was how to stop trying to compensate for his behaviors (good and bad) and to stop trying to control what goes on in his house.

My T's take bottomline: kids are smart. If you are consistently fair and reasonable, take responsibility for your mistakes and love them as a parent (not as a friend, or buddy) they will get it. And will respect you for it. And they will come to an understanding of the BPD parent. 

Kids are resilient.  They will be fine.

Kids are kind--sometimes they will protect the BPD parent out of kindness--just leave it be.

Kids are kids. Sometimes when they act out its just kid stuff. Its not always about the BPD.

And sadly, kids of BPD parents grow up a little faster than others. This one was hard for me, but alas it is true. On the other hand they enter the world a little wiser than the average kid (Icould have used some of that wisdom--my naivety was some of what got me hooked on my EX. 

12 is a hard age for any kid. It is also the age at which two of my three kdis began to really challenge dad (normal adolescent behavior). It got ugly for a while-- BPD anger alternating with Disney dad syndrome.  Confused angry adolescent. Me, exhausted. But stay the course, set boundaries, make your home a safe, loving, reliable place with rules (Kids want rules) but some fllexibility and before you know it they are beautiful, kind, interesting young adults. 

[Mcgddss]

She doesn't have a dad anymore - BPD has taken that away from her.

My kids (D8 & S5) have a play mate - I openly embrace the fact that I am mean mommy - the one that makes them clean their rooms, help around the house and do school work.  I am also the one that they can talk to about anything and handles their emotional meltdowns when they are overwhelmed from being with him - his anger gets directed at them because I am no longer there to bear the brunt of it.

Also, middle school is the worst!  I have been teaching 7th grade for 18 years - keeping any middle school student on top of things is tough, let alone one with ADD.

You need to get a notebook and put a checklist in for what needs to get done.  Send it with her every Friday and check it every Sunday.

Also, have a very open discussion with her teachers.  Explain the situation before assignments are missing.

My children's teachers have been very understanding - but I started the discussion before school started this fall.  I hate that I will be the one who has to do this every year, but I want my children to be successful so I will take on the task.

You are doing an amazing job at a very had parenting situation!

[Free One]

Or better yet, tell her to take her school stuff with her and make it her job to keep up with her HW in a responsible manner, no matter who she is with.  It's her HW, she's got to start learning how to be responsible for it.

This is a great life skill to develop before she gets any older!

Can she also be responsible for her meds while at dad's?

[ForeverDad]

Most parenting schedules list "reasonable telephone contact".  Mine doesn't, back in 2009 my ex managed to get an order that set a daily contact window and sometimes cell phone contact fails - she refuses to call the land line - giving her an opportunity to threaten police safety checks and contempt of court and so I'm trying to get the "reasonable" part restored.

Have you tried calling during the weekend and then in among the positive topics you can verify her homework obligations and remind her to do some of it there or to take her meds?

Life happens, there will be setbacks sometimes but over time she should improve and be more conscientious.  Like so much else, improvement is a process, probably not an event.

[livednlearned]

My son is 12, has ADD. But he's only at his dad's for 4 hours Sat, 4 hours Sun, so the homework issue is a bit different.

Does your D have a 504 plan? That's the federal disabilities act that protects your child for having ADD -- it can be a bit of a struggle to get it in place because everyone is overworked, and if your child is performing at or above grade level, schools don't tend to trigger the 504 process. Instead, you would have to ask for it. With a 504 plan, you could ask for accommodations -- like not being penalized for handing in things late. My son has that in his 504. He tends to take his assignments to school, and then forgets he has them.   He also has an accommodation that lets him scan his assignments and email them to his teachers.

So the 504 is one option, but that requires quite a bit of effort.

The other option is to talk to the school counselor or family specialist and let them know your situation. Explain what is happening and see if you can get them to advocate for your D. Most teachers know what homework they are going to assign in advance. Perhaps they can let you know in advance, and let your D know. On weekends she is with her dad, explain to her that if she does not do her homework, she will be penalized for handing it in late. At the very least, you will know what the homework is, and so will she.

The key is to make sure she knows how things are organized, and to advocate for her, and to let her know what the consequences are for not doing the work. I agree with others that doing her homework with her late on Sunday nights is going to hurt your r/s in the long run, and will undermine her ability to come up with a system that works for her, that makes her feel accountable.