Hi,
I know how helpful it was for me to read about "success stories" when the break-up was raw and new, so i thought I'd share how things are for me now, and what has worked.
Everyone here told me that no contact was the way to go - and I support that 100%! No matter how much healing I do on my own, how strong I'm getting, contact with my uBPDex stirs up anxiety and all the old patterns, and is not good for me. I have been doing so well without contact! He doesn't like it - and he's told me that me wanting NC means that I'm broken and that I have to heal. Conversely, I believe it's a sign that I've finally healed enough!
I used these boards A LOT - there is so much wisdom here to help you sort through the craziness of BPD.
I used the book "Love Without Hurt" by Steven Stosny- it is soo amazing and helpful to anyone in any sort of abusive r/s. It can be used by both people, or just one. It has been life-changing for me, and I continue to use the strategies listed to help my healing. Here's a link:
www.compassionpower.com/index.phpFinally, I found an absolutely amazing therapist who helped me the most by being the most empathetic and validating person I have ever encountered. He was expensive, so I didn't go often, but he was so good that I still feel the effects of his validation months after our last appointment.
Being on my own means coming face to face with all my issues - which I thought would be really, really scary. And it has been at times - but once I accepted that I'm finally going to feel the feelings that I've been avoiding for a LONG time, it got a bit easier, with support and many tears. Here is some of what *I've* had to process, and continue to process:
I had to grieve the loss of the dreams of what I believed we would be, and really dig into why I allowed myself to stay in a r/s that was clearly not healthy for either one of us for over 6 years. I have had to grieve the loss of my first husband, who cheated on me and left after 14 years together and 3 kids. I have gotten in touch with my anger about this affair, and my deep, deep sense of loneliness. Loneliess is an ongoing issue for me, and is the primary reason I stayed in the BPD r/s. I was SOO afraid of being on my own, and believing that I was therefore so broken no one would ever love me. I still wrestle with this. I have, however, made a commitment to myself to not even seek out another r/s until I feel fairly sure I've healed enough to be whole on my own. Whatever that means! I am actively ensuring that I don't give out the wrong messages to men - I don't spend time alone with them, or accept rides, or do anything that can be misconstrued. I joined ":)ivorcecare" through my local church, where I'm finally meeting other people whose spouses cheated and left as my first husband did, as well as another member whose ex-husband is uBPD (I referred her here!). I've found that I can pick out BPD signs and signals a mile away!
Moving forward, I am really nervous about starting up another r/s and possibly stumbling onto another BPD person. As I said though, I am at peace with being on my own for now, with the goal of healing, using my church, friends, and whatever else I can think of to heal. And really working on developing trust in myself and my feelings, which I have ignored for way too long. I hope this helps someone out there - if you're newly broken up from your ex-BPD, then hang in there and keep up the NC to keep the craziness away.
