Suggestions on how to deal with something...

[CS4Ever]

I'd be interested in any suggestions on how to deal with an issue with my uDPDw.

Long story short, I caught her in an emotional affair earlier this summer which she denies is an issue. Since then things have escalated a few times, usually as a result of me doing something to engage with our two boys (5 and 7). We're in this strange place where she seems afraid I am trying to improve my position in a divorce so anything I do with the kids or any nice gesture words her becomes a trigger. With the result being that she has asked me to move out. I've told her that I wont we moving out until we have a formal visitation agreement in place. I've also given her the contact info for a mediator and a marriage counselor and told her that I would prefer she called the counselor but if she wants me to move out she should setup some time with the mediator of her choice.

Meanwhile we had a pre-planned trip to Disney with the kids, which actually went much better than I thought it would. We've always gotten along well when we travel and the trip was actually rather fun. I had some hope that things would have improved when we got back but she immediately started pressing me to move out again.

Anyway, for a while now one source of tension between the two of us is that our two boys seem to prefer me. This came to a bit of a head while we were at Disney in that the boys wanted to go on every ride with me to the point where they would argue about who got to ride with daddy. This was eventually solved by having them take turns, but they would still speculate as to who's turn it was while in line. Needless to say this made my wife feel rather bad, to the point where she would start mumbling in line about "why she even came". This was a very odd and awkward position for me as I frankly think its inappropriate for one parent to compete/be jealous of another parent in that way while at he same time I really sympathize with how this must make my wife feel. On top of all that, I'm at the very least looking at a separation and I don't want to discourage the boys from their enthusiasm for daddy. I took each aside at various times and told them that it hurt everyone's feelings (the brother that doesn't get to ride, mommy, and daddy to see everyone fighting) to be acting that way and that they needed to ride with both mommy and daddy, etc... .but it didn't help all that much.

This was the only major source of tension on the trip and it remains a source of tension now. I'm undecided if I should set a boundary around this and push back on my wife's jealousy or if I should be more sympathetic and try to validate her feelings on the matter.

Anyone have any suggestions?

[Surnia]

I would validate her feelings on the situation with the boys.

In our heads we know we should not feel like she did, as adults, and in the same time its human.

When boys are growing older a father gets so important and your wife is facing a shift from the little and very dependant baby boys to more independant boys oriented to the father. and if you look your family is 3 males and 1 female. So I would say some validation for her is important.