Anyone know anything about legal separations and BPD?

[oblivian2013]

My wife left July 3rd with a police escort to a confidential location in a nearby city. I helped her pack the car and kissed her goodbye. After being together for three years, married for two. We were best friends. She had been going to IOP at the psych hospital five days a week and I was left at home with her dogs for five months. All her emails said I love you right up until the last two weeks. She got an apartment and said she was moving out. I think she was getting a lot of bad advice from the local women's shelter.

I had emailed her earlier about her taking my car to her son's wedding in the middle of July, she said yes. I apparently was not going. She said there would be no contact for a month and maybe after that we could write each other handwritten letters and start dating again. She had a one year lease on her subsidized apartment. The last week of July I asked my case manager to contact her case manager about the return of the car, as I did not want to contact her directly. That same day my wife filed a protection from abuse complaint, which I lost being totally ignorant of family court. She requested, but didn't get the car as relief.

The judge mentioned "pending divorce", so I got a lawyer immediately. As my wife lived at an undisclosed location, we were unable to serve her, but when she learned about my intention to serve, she filed two days later. Two weeks went by and we tried again by mail. Two days later I was served by a sheriff. My lawyer filed a counter-case.

I don't think either of us want a divorce, but I had used the word a couple of times and I know that really upset her. She was also really concerned with my health, both mental and physical, and my drinking. I was getting healed, but not as quickly as she may have liked. She even set me up with counseling. Then she gave me books on how to love yourself and said I am going away to get better and you must too if you want to reunite. She said the onus was on me.

I knew nothing about BPD at that time. She said she had a mental illness when we first started dating, but she seemed perfectly normal 98% of the time. Every once in a while we would go into a hurricane with her giving me the silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. Must have recycled ten times. Always temper tantrums over my behavior. She would start shrieking and I would just say "get out" in frustration. I regret saying that because I didn't realize how fragile she is.

She often said how she didn't believe she would ever fall in love again, until she met me, and that we would be together until the end of time. But she would also say how "precious" I was and I would detect a note of insincerity. But I passed off the red flags repeatedly.

So, here is the question: I haven't seen or communicated with her in four months, I don't even know if she is seeing anyone else. I miss her deeply. I am the only man in her life that ever loved her; her dad was an abusive drunk, one former bf tried to kill her... .I bought her a house and tried to give her a new life. Am I delusional?

I have asked my lawyer to propose a legal separation prior to proceeding with the divorce. Our breakup happened so fast. I just want to try and figure out a solution or at least bring closure. Maybe we can't live together, but we could work something out. I have read several places that BPD is curable. My wife has been getting help, and so have I. I want this marriage to work, especially now I understand what is going on. I don't know how she feels. Anybody familiar with legal separations?

Thanks!

[Learning_curve74]

Hey oblivian2013, sorry to hear your whole story, that must be really tough... .

Anyhow, if you haven't already, you may want to check out the legal board: Family law, divorce, custody board. They might have some info on legal stuff you are asking about. Good luck.