In constant pain

[Barbgnc]

I have written that I have a son with BPD.  I have read several books on the subject, trying to find out more about the disorder.  Please tell me how does a mother (or father) cope with the problems of her son without becoming burnt out and emotionally distraught.

I love my son deeply but I walk around with a knot in my stomach, feeling like someone is kicking me. I'm afraid of him raging, wondering when the time will come that I have to send him to the hospital.  I feel like a prisoner with no hope of parole.  How do you not get affected when you are listening to your flesh and blood tell you how agonizing, his life is, how he feels worthless and "damaged goods". I want to die myself when he says these things.  How do I live my life with him.  I am basically a strong functional person. How do I cope?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Barbgnc... .

I know exactly how you feel; seeing our child in pain, and having to deal with the pain they cause us, is extremely exhausting and hurtful. Scary, sometimes, too. When I found this site in April, my son had just come out of a Dual Diagnosis Program where he was finally diagnosed with BPD; I was frightened by the information printed out about the disorder that was given to me with his discharge papers.

Learning all I did around here changed all that; the links you see to the right-hand margin of this page will help us learn how our sons' minds work, how they see things, and how we can get through all of that emotion to learn how to communicate correctly with them. When that happens, when we change how we communicate with them, we stop pushing all of their buttons, and then they change the way they react to us! I'm telling you the truth when I say that the very first time I used Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it  and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, things changed dramatically in our house! The success of that first time kept me going with it, and he does not rage anymore or misunderstand what I am saying to him, and his reactions aren't skewed.

One more thing that has been a life-saver for me is Radical Acceptance for family members. It really has reduced my stress level (sometimes to 0!) and helped me cope. Everything you can find on the right margin links will be informational and thought-provoking and helpful, also.

I hope you stay around, post more of your story, and ask more of your questions... .And let us know what you think of the information in the links I've given you, and to the right side of this page. We're here for you, Barbgnc   

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Barbgnc... .

I hear you, finding out about BPD and reading the first books has two effects: First, it is a relief to find out that what you are experiencing has a name, and that others have experienced it too; also, that there is a certain 'logic' to this disorder of illogical behaviors. Second, it gets depressing - reading about all the problems and complications. It feels like a life-sentence... .At least that's how it was for us.

But then there is also HOPE: when you process the information from the first few books and learn more, you will find out, that some of the books are older, and with more and more research, there are better treatment options, and also better support for families. We can do a lot to help our loved ones (we cannot heal them, but if we change the way we communicate with them, it will mean a world of a difference for both us AND our loved ones).

Often, when we are overwhelmed ourselves, we first need to step back and make sure that we can keep ourselves safe and at peace. And when we are stronger, we can reach out to our loved ones.

Rapt Reader has offered good links for you. Let us know what you think about them... .

[Kate4queen]

I have written that I have a son with BPD.  I have read several books on the subject, trying to find out more about the disorder.  Please tell me how does a mother (or father) cope with the problems of her son without becoming burnt out and emotionally distraught.

I love my son deeply but I walk around with a knot in my stomach, feeling like someone is kicking me. I'm afraid of him raging, wondering when the time will come that I have to send him to the hospital.  I feel like a prisoner with no hope of parole.  How do you not get affected when you are listening to your flesh and blood tell you how agonizing, his life is, how he feels worthless and "damaged goods". I want to die myself when he says these things.  How do I live my life with him.  I am basically a strong functional person. How do I cope?

I think you have to take a deep breath and try and take a step back. Get someone=a therapist for yourself if possible so that you can talk about your pain and sadness and confusion and guilt and all those emotions because if you are anything like me you've been told those feeling of yours aren't important for a long time. If you want to help your son you need to help yourself first and become strong. You can't let yourself drown alongside him.

This isn't meant to sound flip, it really is important to start with yourself and find some breathing space. We all understand how you feel here.

[six]

Hi Barb

not sure how old your son is but for me the worst part was from about age 16-21.  today my BPD son is 26 and I have seen a huge improvement in the last few years.  I remember walking around as you describe with a knot in my stomach and feeling in constant pain.  today I am more hopeful and I believe that change is possible even if only small baby steps.  Valerie porrs book helped me and this board has given me a lot of support and tools so keep posting

I think kate4q's advice is excellent - my therapist has helped me and we need that kind of support and reality check. 

also trying to see the positive in my situation and not always dwell on the worry and fear.  even in the midst of the chaos there are blessings to be found, like the support of friends, my other family members helping me to cope at times, and the blessing of my son who I love despite his many issues.


self care is crucial, taking time for a walk, yoga, a swim or to enjoy a good book or movie,  I used to feel I was too busy or overwhelmed for those kinds of things but now I make time for it especially with my DH bec we need to connect in a way that is not always about solving problems with our son.