He's still in control

[Mcgddss]

So for months He has stated that he doesn't want to waste money.

Now, instead of going the cheaper public route, he wants private mediation.

In my opinion, he just wants to manipulate and knows that he can't control our current mediator.

Sick of being dragged over the coals by him - know that it won't stop until he decides - hoping he will find a new partner soon.  Sad for my d8 and s5 that he just won't leave us and move on.

[casper324]

I'm in the divorce process too now, haven't been to mediation yet but even so he's still in control so I feel your pain.  It seems that I am supposed to just sit back and let him trash me personally and professionally.  Meanwhile I feel like I've got cement boots on and can't move forward.  Mine has told me about his dating and renewed sex life, I don't believe a single word he's such a liar, but there was hope that he was going to leave me alone.  I get mean e-mails daily or text messages which he isn't supposed to do with a civil agreement, horrible taunting e-mails.  Don't let him break you, it hurts real bad. 

[ForeverDad]

You don't have to agree to anything he demands.  Yes, he can then go over you and ask the court for what he wants (delays and pliable professionals).  But the point is you don't have to give in just because.

If this mediator is a good one and stbEx doesn't like it then rather than risking him finding a poor and enabling mediator, just call it Failed and head back to court, tell the court you tried but it didn't work and move on to the next step.

For most of us our mediation attempts failed.  We didn't go into mediation feeling that we had to sacrifice ourselves to make mediation work.  Not at all.  We were required to try since it was an early item in the court's checklist and so we gave it an honest effort.  Anything more would probably have been sabotaging ourselves.  The point here?  However, once it was clear mediation wasn't working, we didn't waste precious time trying over and over, we went back to court and moved forward to the next step.  (An important part of mediation is knowing not to counter your own failed offer.  Too often the other's obstinate refusal to budge an inch can make us feel we have to keep trying with increasingly less favorable offers and we end up competing against ourselves - not good at all.)

Our general rule of thumb here is that Delay is our Enemy, keep the case moving along, don't let it get stalled without good reason.  If your spouse or souse's lawyer says, "Give us more time, cancel the next hearings while we review your offer or make our own offer... ." then respond, "Sorry, the case goes forward.  Until then, let us know whether you accept our offer or whether you have an offer.  But the case stays on for the next hearing."

Delay and obstruction are tools used against us by our spouses.  Why?  In most cases it's because delay or obstruction benefits the spouse by putting off the time when a consequence occurs.  For example, if the ex has a favorable order, there's no incentive to proceed if the result would be less unfavorable to you.  Sometimes too the spouse tried to delay just because the spouse can do it, whether for spite, retaliation or whatever.

[livednlearned]

So for months He has stated that he doesn't want to waste money.

Saving money means "I want to spend the least amount of money to get everything I want." If there is anything you have or want that he also wants, cheaper paths aren't going to work. Compromise isn't part of the disorder, especially when abandonment hits the legal arena.

[Mcgddss]

Thanks to everyone for all the words of wisdom. 

It helps so much to know his actions are typical for the disorder.

My counsel also wants to do private mediation and has stated she believes the chosen mediator will be very successful.

Crossing my fingers.