Can't Escape

[NewStart]

Well, she bought a house in my neighborhood, has a unique truck that I can't miss driving around our small town... .so I head 2 hours away with friends to get away and ski for the weekend and as I'm rolling into the ski area parking lot who's vehicle do I pass... .oh yeah, hers.  And the kicker, I don't see her but rather what appears at a quick glance to be yet another new guy at the wheel. 

Later in the day her vehicle is parked just down the row from us in an area where people tailgate but I never saw her... .but, once again that just put her right into the front of my thick head... .

And here I am today once again rolling over all kinds of thoughts, will this guy be the one that finally works? I don't want to get back together but maybe I should reach out and say hey? And ultimately wrestling with whether or not that would really just be my motive in contacting her?

Wow, really wishing she could just vanish from my mind... .frustrated and trying to weigh in all the pieces to get a clear picture of what we really had... .

[2010]

Well, you said it, you "can't escape." So go ahead and contact her, even though you never really saw her- you just saw "yet another new guy" at the wheel. So really, what you hope to gain is to be that guy at the "wheel" again. Any chance you'd have something to say to him first? That is, before you contact her?

[Gaslit]

Super do NOT reach out to say "Hey." Their shyte works because of people continuously reaching out to say "Hey."

Be the one that didn't. She'll remember that. But who cares. It's for you. NC!

[NewStart]

2010 - Nah, I'd never say anything to a new guy as we all remember how the honeymoon was... .would we have or did we listen to anything?

Gaslit - You're probably correct... .and I'd rather be strong and be the one not to reach out... .

Crazy how after 2 years I can still be brought right back to that point of wondering, ":)id she really have BPD... .could this be the one that works?"

[2010]

2010 - Nah, I'd never say anything to a new guy as we all remember how the honeymoon was... .would we have or did we listen to anything?

Eventually you did listen to something. I am just wondering what you would say to someone else that you needed to hear yourself. If you want to prove that she has BPD, making a phone call will provide one of two outcomes;

Outcome 1) She hears your voice and says she still loves you- but she's with so and so, and things are not all perfect. She really misses you and wishes that things had turned out better than they did. You question her about so and so, and she says, well, he's a really nice guy but he's not you. Then you question why- if she feels this way- why not just get back together again? She says she's thinking about it- but doesn't know what to do... .can she call you later?

Outcome 2) She hears your voice and says she still hates you, she's with so and so now and things are perfect. She wants you to leave her alone and says that so and so is very jealous. You question her about so and so and she says, well, he's a really nice guy and he's not you. Then you question why-if she feels that way- didn't she just tell you that upfront? She says, it's your fault and hangs up.

3) Whether #1 or #2, if she calls you again- you are back in the web, waiting and hoping for any chance at communication- (outside of the triangulation (read definition) of so and so who is as clueless as you were in the early days about him) while waiting for the outcome to be resolved. Tick tock, tick tock, you're waiting for her move- and three months later you find out she's forgotten all about it. That's Borderline personality disorder.

Try to figure out who came before you in the romantic string- as there usually is a trail of tears. Each person has a similar story.  When you can put this together and not take it personally, you will come away from it with a deeper understanding of a disorder that persists in spite of the many different personalities involved. No one is above the distorted belief system of a Borderline. No one changes the arrested development unless the Borderline person matures. The partner who obliges the disorder in its developmental arrest also becomes disordered unless they let go. Try to look upon this as a reality check. You want an equal partnership with a mate, not a child-parent partnership.

Good luck and remember, feeling pass. Let them come up to the surface and grieve them and then let go of the outcome.  After all this time, if you are still unsure and holding out hope against uncertainty- then give her a call and find out for yourself how she sees you- but be aware of the third party that's still involved. 

[eeyore]

2010 I love your logic.  Give all the options and then use the process of elimination.  

[2010]

2010 I love your logic.  Give all the options and then use the process of elimination.  

Borderline logic:

BPD: you are the love of my life! I'm sorry I haven't called, but I lost your phone number!

Me: I'm listed in the phone book.

Like I said, you can't take it personally-they are like little, lost children who are dangerously full grown in adult bodies. You can only try your best to figure out what the pay-off is for returning over and over again until it sinks in that this is a disorder, and it's not because of you- but the reasons for staying might be because of our own families of origin.  

[eeyore]

at this point I can't blame my family of origin.  It's all on me as I have examined my foo, I've learned new skills, and now it's time for me to forge my life as I want it to be.

[2010]

 

[NewStart]

2010 - What would I say to someone else that I needed to hear myself... .good question... .unfortunatly I know what the bond was and there would have been no words strong enough or meaningful enough for me... .the only hope I could have had was to never have met this woman... .only then would my life be less painful now.

I think your take on contact is probably very accurate, and you could add in no response at all to complete the circle... .and then where does that leave us?

I don't know, some days it seems just like the perfect storm for me as I know they mirror but she really was in her natural state very much my dream woman and I truely loved her... .

Somehow I need to grow to that point of getting away from reshuffling and questioning it all whenever I see her seemingly content with a new man... .easier said than done for me, but that is somehow shining a light on what I need to do to work on myself... .

[johnc]

What would I say to someone else that I needed to hear myself... .good question... .unfortunatly I know what the bond was and there would have been no words strong enough or meaningful enough for me... .

Had I listened to the grapevine

I might have had my doubts

But I did my level best

Just to block them out

'Cause love is so unwise

And love has no eyes

And it took a while for a fool to see

What his friends were on about

—James Taylor, I Was A Fool To Care

[maxen]

If you want to prove that she has BPD, making a phone call will provide one of two outcomes;

Outcome 1) She hears your voice and says she still loves you- but she's with so and so, and things are not all perfect. She really misses you and wishes that things had turned out better than they did. You question her about so and so, and she says, well, he's a really nice guy but he's not you. Then you question why- if she feels this way- why not just get back together again? She says she's thinking about it- but doesn't know what to do... .can she call you later?

Outcome 2) She hears your voice and says she still hates you, she's with so and so now and things are perfect. She wants you to leave her alone and says that so and so is very jealous. You question her about so and so and she says, well, he's a really nice guy and he's not you. Then you question why-if she feels that way- didn't she just tell you that upfront? She says, it's your fault and hangs up.

i've heard both of those in the same conversation.

i try to remember:

you can't take it personally-they are like little, lost children who are dangerously full grown in adult bodies.

but it's not enough to get me to release her from my mind.