The idea of another baby... stressful. Any ideas?

[modafinilguy]

Okay maybe I am too tired to be starting this thread now, but I want, its my brain is telling me I should be asleep!

Okay I guess I should give a quick, minimalistic overview of the background of the situation.

I myself was a profoundly unhappy and troubled person in younger years especially. My mother died when I was 13 after a long, agonizing battle with leukemia. I was severely bullied at school. Various other major things happened at that time. I became a very out of control, and unhappy person.

Around age 26, I met a family through a friend living in horrific circumstances.

Instantly the children (5 of them, 4 girls, 1 boy) took to me very well (I have always seemed to connect well with children).

On overview. Mother was chronic injecting methamphetamine user with BPD. Father was dead at young age, also injecting drug user, died drag racing during argument with mother.

House was filthy, horrifically so. Excrement, urine was literally splattered everywhere both human and animal (various dead animals around the place). Holes everywhere in the walls. Rubbish thick on the floor, could not see the floor. Thousand and thousands of cockroaches, several hundred mice, constantly running around never ending- including all day.

Mother was prostitute, various clients around random hours, many very dodgy people, psychotic drug addicts, drug dealers with guns, all sorts frequented the place randomly. Various times I know the kids lived there while they had meth lab going, they inhaled the fumes. One time apparently it nearly blew, adults apparently fled in fear, leaving children inside.

Even the older children were not toilet trained. The toilet was busted up and did not work anyway. They just randomly went to toilet around the house. Broken glass everywhere also. Seen the young toddlers eating dirty food off the extremely unhygienic floor, indeed a piece of feces centimeters away (this is one image that stuck in my mind). They were frequently beaten, abused in every way. Several times in childhood were raped and molested, and also some of the girls again in early teen years. The oldest child around 6, I saw him on various occasions eating his feces, and pictures drawn in feces were around his room.

I went crazy trying to help this situation. I have never worked so hard in my life (I am a lazy bum). Anyway.

Enough detail.

2 other youth, from very bad background, maybe not quite THAT bad, but father chronic IV meth user, very abused, raped etc, as children. They ended up hanging around there around aged 12-13, as did a third girl.

I rang Child Protection, because they had opened up to me about their home environment, the worker would not believe me or listen saying their father said they were "Welcome to go home", what a lie WOW. If you knew everything that I have come to know. Eventually I kept protesting they needed help, and the worker (I was NOT being offensive or rude) told me not to contact her anymore and hung up on me. It was CRAZY.

Well the third girl, unrelated to the other two, I was concerned for her and had build an initial connection and I had said I thought she was at serious risk, and if she felt she had nowhere else to turn, and nobody to help her, that well I would help her, I even said I would be willing to have her live at my place because I was gravely concerned for her.

I was not there at the moment, but she was dragged out by nutcase alcoholic (and drunk at time) parents, very fearful apparently. This was literally days after I had started making a specific effort to intervene in her situation. I do not want to discuss the details because there was much media attention and she was described a 13 year old homeless "drifter", I don't want this situation identified, but a few days later she was dead.

This had a big impact on everyone. Short story the two other girls were running around everywhere, 12-13 in age, various much older men having sex with them. One came back to the mothers house (the drug addict mother) and her arm was swelled up from methamphetamine being injected into her arm, she was very anxious and disorientated. She was only 12. She had been smoking pot daily since around age 11, and frequently getting drunk too, as had her 1 year older sister.

Mother kicked them out, that was it, I got involved, I felt the system was NOT going to intervene successfully in this case, they would immediately run away anyway from Child Protection care, I took them in at that age.

I had them for a few years. Unbelievable stress and dramas. Unbelievable pressure. Yet I did the job and supported them and did NOT lose my cool, not in front of them. At times I can remember going outside so stressed that my whole body was shaking from anxiety, and I was literally rapidly hyperventilating, feeling entirely disorientated, burned out to the degree nothing made sense, I remember one night in particular slumped outside, completely freaked out just laying their completely overwhelmed. Place, windows smashed together various times. I NEVER GAVE UP ON THEM.

That's a very quick overview. Now around the time I had the two teens living with me, I met one of their friends, who was living with a sex offender uncle, lets just put it frankly: He was filming her undressed etc, and strongly, severely pressuring her to have sex with him. I told her to get the hell out of there. Then I had 3.

What's worst is while I have a house now, I managed this situation in a TINY one bedroom unit. If you are wondering where I slept, I slept in the lounge area, they all shared the bedroom. It was pretty bloody insane. I would not want to EVER go through it again, at least I have a full house these days.

So I ended up very involved with another youth which I met through these two girls so we had 5 from the first family, 2 living from the other girls, and one of their friends.

Well I have kept supporting them over the years. Lets fast forward to now.

Things these days are DRAMATICALLY better than they were back then.

The last youth I met, is now 23, and living here with me in the house currently with her 4 year old daughter (lovely, bright child, very loved and happy probably full blown ADHD).  The mother diagnosed ADHD, she is not as severe as the others, but I has a strong suspicion of some definite BPD traits, but i don't presume BPD, except is severe, obvious cases.

One of the two girls that lives in the unit, she is 21, and living here also.

BTW all the other kids, I am still extensively involved with 3 of them are now young adults. ALL of them except perhaps the youngest around 13 (she has been in foster care for 5 years), all of them are doing great, really doing well, working, happy, incredible people. Probably somewhat BPD, probably meet the criteria, but they have comes LEAGUES I mean have not even spoken about when I looked after them as teenagers ALSO! They also lived with me then!

So the 5 from the original family, I actually pretty happy with in terms of how well they are doing. While the older son has some anger issues (he had a stroke at birth from mothers methamphetamine usage, and gastrointenstinel failure, nearly died, major operation), he is still doing pretty well. The two oldest girls are doing FANTASTICALLY. They are an inspiration. So smart, so clever, I am honored to be consider their close family. I have all this lovely stuff they have made me over the years, poems, books, I TREASURE IT ALL.

Anyway so the other sister of the 21 year old that is living with me.

Well Okay these are separate from the "main 5".

There is (Names falsified) "Sabrina" and "Emma" (the two sisters), and there is the 3rd one I picked up "Alice"

Sabrina, is living about 40 minutes drive away, is doing reasonable except her relationships. She keeps dating methamphetamine addict boyfriends. Dealers I am fairly sure. But I am very used to dealing with methamphetamine users, and I do NOT believe she is addicted or at least using frequently, she does smoke Marijuana to be frank that does not concern me.

She has just recently broken up from her boyfriend. Which I think is good. But she ALWAYS goes for the same sort. I have tried gently talking to her, encouraging her to go for guys with different backgrounds.

Sometimes she still hits herself repeatedly in the head when she gets very stressed. She is seeing a psychologist, but is not receiving any structured or formal therapy, so I feel she is not getting optimal treatment (both sisters formally diagnosed BPD).

Emma that lives with me, find the idea of having a "mental disorder" an unhappy and disturbing thought and does not wish to hear about it. She receives no treatment. She has been working at times, and is actively perusing jobs at the moment. But she has had a string of highly abusive relationships.

One relationship when she was 18 was INSANE. She became pregnant but apparently the baby had severe genetic defects. I was SEVERELY concerned about her becoming a parent. I have heard from witnesses I consider completely reliable, that when she would fight with her boyfriend, she would beat- repeatedly, very violently and hardly her pregnant stomach. This sort of thing has caused me the gravest concern if she had a kid at any near point in the future, thankfully now this is NOT on the radar. The baby was induced stillbirth, she has all these pictures of its dead body, I find it kind of gruesome, I was at the funeral and saw the dead babies body, she has the ashes and a memorial in her room. Not a happy situation.

She has come so far, but she still is BPD, without a doubt.

She is currently in abusive/destructive relationship crazy, I have banned the guy from coming here, though he has broken in on occasions (police involvement long story), and well he stole lots of stuff from her room. I do not like the guy. He remind me or her dad.

I have tried to talk to them about this, she keeps going back and back, no matter how I try to gently and calmly talk good advice into her, that she is so beautiful (they all are) and has such a lovely personality despite her problems, she could do much better.

Well Alice the ADHD 3rd one I picked up (the last one of the 8), she was going out with a very wealthy broker, with a luxurious penthouse and loads of cash, but as her long strings of relationships went: it failed.

Then she started going out with her "moderately" (on the scale of things) abusive ex, just out of prison and on parole for methamphetamine manufacture, break and enter, and gun possession. I find out within 2 weeks of seeing him she is DELIBERATELY trying to get pregnant, and now a few weeks later she IS pregnant! WOW! I mean I freaked out, what is going on in her head? Cannot she see, she is having a massive, stressful custody battle with the 4 year old girls profoundly violent, bipolar and methamphetamine injecting ex, I mean she is quite bright this one. It shocked me recently her behavior in going back to that relationship (many absolute insisting that she was not going back, very angry at me to even hint that it seemed that way), and deliberately getting pregnant? Crazy.

So I have pregnant 23 year old ADHD, probably at least partial BPD with 4 year old daughter (lovely though, she is fine, happy and socially confident, loves me to peaces, I love her too). The other girl really quite crazy on/off relationship with her partner (the 21 year old living here).

And my other focus is on helping the 22 year old sister of hers too.

Thankfully the other 5 are well taken care of, and well looking after themselves for the most part (and each other), and I ring them frequently and visit them 1-2 times per fortnight (it is a LONG distance to that side of town).

I really value and enjoy having both the women here, we get along great, it is really a happy environment. I have been a significant, stable figure (the only stable male figure) in the 4 year old girls life since she was born (was at the hospital), I don't want to lose her, I feel I have a lot to offer her. But the idea of the current situation another baby, crazy BF situation... Stressful.

Don't worry about me though, this is sort of what I do I guess, I have based my life around this. I have been told sincerely and with great love, by ALL of these youth how important I am to them, and how big an impact I have had on their lives, I am HONORED to know them, I consider MYSELF the fortunate one.

If anybody has any ideas how I can better handle this situation, or any stories or similar experiences. The baby situation is my biggest concern. Likely break up soon? Probably. I hate abortion... .But... .It is not good for the whole situation. Not to mention I have many pages of documentation to prepare to support the mother in the court battle against the father, I am hoping he does not have much of a chance (He's crazy psycho seriously, outrageous guy), but I will NOT take any chances. He is NOT appropriate to care for the 4 year old- NOT AT ALL.

This is where I am at the moment, very brief overview of a decade long situation, of constant drama!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[modafinilguy]

Quickly I just want to add, because there is no edit feature (probably to stop people mucking around with their posts)

Well there is so much more, many HORRIFIC events are not even briefly mentioned. I could write, I am serious, at least several hundred pages with everything that is locked up in my mind.

I mean have skimmed the surface of so much information, leaving MASSIVE chunks out, but I think people will get the picture.

I saw these kids once, and what I saw in their futures horrified me, and I have been determined ever since to do what I can to make a difference- THIS MAKES ME A GOOD PERSON, to me, this is more important than having a job, if I was not on disability, I could not possibly have held together with the added stress of full time job.

I have been employed for a brief time before lets say we had a massive disagreement, well Child Protection for a while payed me big $$ to care for two of the 5 children as teenagers. They are not as volatile as the two later teens, but more violent.

I eventually, well my personality flaws, lets say I raged at Child Protection and their idea of what was best for the kids and basically told them to BURN IN HELL (I would never say a mean word to any of these kids). Its very complex and I understand yes that some kids in some situation need to be taken out of their homes- I know that better than anyone, but I HATE CPS (Child Protection) with a passionate hatred. I have seen up close their corruption and incompetence, and I have seen them harm various youth in care, SERIOUSLY. I mean another story.

I have been so traumatized by some things at times, that for a few years I feel I was dealing with a living traumatic disorder specifically related to the situation. But eventually I have overcome it, and now, its takes a fair bit to shake me up

I can still help the other 5 more, I am in contact with a sort of somewhat famous child advocate figure, I don't want to name anyone, but I still want to do more for the other 5 kids. They are working for example. Good yes, but ermm Jasmine lets call her, the oldest girl of the 5, VERY, VERY bright. I wish she would go to university. I have offered her the support I can, but I wish she had a very close, an perhaps academically successful female role model (I fell out of education permanently at age 13).

I have a lot of experience with the psychiatric system, but is always a lot more to learn. I just try my best, I am always open to correction, I am not an academic or "excellent" learner, I am of relatively average intelligence I believe, I am always learning. But I was detained at age 13 for a few months due to the fact a panel of psychiatrists concluded I was a very high suicide risk. Been detained for self harm related issues many times in my life but NOT in the last 12 years, since i Have been involved in these situations, in my earlier life.

The kids all best through psychiatric various times, youth detention of course, all of of them I think have been locked up at times.

I have a lot of stories. Really, really so much. But I am also very interested in others stories. But today, I am seeking advice, and to a degree, I don't have anyone to really offload to, not really, I mean some good friends yes, but I don't not people who are battling BPD teens themselves!

I just wanted to explain, I am not a typical person from typical situation. Education failure. Never held a job, on Disability, multiple diagnosis (no psychosis). I tried working once fell into severe alcoholism, overcame is just around the time I came into these kids lives, nearly end up dead, various times as alcoholic. Crazy. Another story, but I am ashamed of how I was on alcohol. Deeply ashamed. I never hurt anyone, but I will still UTTERLY I mean, even more out of control on alcohol I was than these youth I have dealt with, I was bloody crackers. Covered in scars, all over my body.

But I am softly spoken, completely against violence, gentle, always polite in addressing people, I live in a ghetto area, probably about the roughest in my large city (it has a reputation). I look like a total bum, very easy to judge badly if you judge on appearances, fat and ugly. Never had a girlfriend, never been intimate in any way with a woman (another issues not related to my caring for these youth, believe it or not I am pretty damn tame and harmless in such regards). I have only once when I was 13 briefly kissed a girl, well she took the initiative I was in detention in psyche hospital when it occurred!

I don't know what people will make of me. I want to learn. I will now do a lot of listening on here, but I just wanted to say my story, in a brief way. It may seem long but compared to the complexity and amount of stuff that has happens its brief.

I am ADHD, I do talk a lot, everyone comments on this. I have been told by ADHD expert I am on severe end of ADHD spectrum.

Bye for now. Love to all. Please do NOT be afraid to throw advice or anything even criticism at me (but don't be too harsh, I am pathetically fragile under my 130kg fat body!)

Bye. I am delirious I think, too much coffee, not enough sleep. Time for bed 1 hour.

[modafinilguy]

Please Please I am not trying to be self indulgent.

I will share something VERY personal here. Please be delicate with this.

This is from "Jasmine" oldest daughter of the initial 5.

She is WONDERFUL, I mean so full of warmth and love, no bitterness- none at all. How can she be this way after what she has been through?

I am well rewarded for the efforts I have put in. Like I said I have failed every basic measure in life: Education: Failure, Career: Disability Pension, Relationships: Fat ugly, 38yo never had partner, Money: Poor as dirt overall, though some assistance recent years from well off brother, I guess as maladaptive as it is, helping these kids, and EARNING their love and trust to me, if I drop dead tomorrow, I have achieved something that has mattered to me.

Here is something LOVELY she ("Jasmine" wrote to me when around 16, been involved HEAVILY in her life since 5 years of age. I have lots of lovely stuff like this from them. I guess am pathetically sentimental and soft under it all, I cry at cheesy emotional things

The poem (from definite, BPD young person, PROFOUNDLY difficult as teenager)

To "<name withheld>"

I don't think you will,

Ever fully understand,

how you've touched my life,

and made me who I am,

i don't think you could ever know,

Just how very special you are,

that even on my darkest nights,

you are my brightest star,

you've allowed me to experience

something very hard to find,

unconditional love that exists,

in my body, soul and mind,

i don't think you could ever feel,

all the love I have to give,

and i'm sure you'll never realize,

you've been my will to live,

you are an amazing person,

and without you i don't know where i'd be,

having you in my life,

completes and fore fills every part of me,

Nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. When I am starting to believe  I a complete social failure and reject, and some freak, obese ghetto mutant, I read that, and various other things.

Its sound cheesy, but love and belief in each other, got us through all this horrible stuff. We have all been poisoned, powerless against everything against us.

I am sorry to be so self indulgent. I promise that is all. People thought she was a monster when she was a teenager, but she is angel. She is STRONG spirited, nothing in the world can defeat her now. She is FAR stronger than I am, far stronger.

Again sorry to dump all this in here, but I do think it related to themes of this sub forum. I have seen and lived pretty extreme situation, THERE IS NO HOPE, even like seriously it was like at times darkness and evil was focused against the situation with some great power. I can't even believe I was there, in some of these situations. I couldn't do it again.

BPD is something I am VERY personally interested in, I also feel ADHD, is relevant to many of these youth, but in general, I guess extreme emotional, and behavioral problems, I relate to it.

[Suzn]

Hi modafinilguy, there is a lot of information here. Let's see if we can narrow this down a little. 

So I have pregnant 23 year old ADHD, probably at least partial BPD with 4 year old daughter (lovely though, she is fine, happy and socially confident, loves me to peaces, I love her too). The other girl really quite crazy on/off relationship with her partner (the 21 year old living here).

And my other focus is on helping the 22 year old sister of hers too.

Thankfully the other 5 are well taken care of, and well looking after themselves for the most part (and each other), and I ring them frequently and visit them 1-2 times per fortnight (it is a LONG distance to that side of town).

I really value and enjoy having both the women here, we get along great, it is really a happy environment. I have been a significant, stable figure (the only stable male figure) in the 4 year old girls life since she was born (was at the hospital), I don't want to lose her, I feel I have a lot to offer her. But the idea of the current situation another baby, crazy BF situation... Stressful.

This is the current situation correct? It sounds as though you have been an excellent influence on these young people and the 5 that are doing well shows this. They were lucky to have you. So, the young lady with a 4 year old and her sister live with you now, is this correct? (shorter answers help me follow better, I'm old and I can get lost.  )

Second question, are you fearful the 23 year old will move and take her daughter with her?

Don't worry about me though, this is sort of what I do I guess, I have based my life around this. I have been told sincerely and with great love, by ALL of these youth how important I am to them, and how big an impact I have had on their lives, I am HONORED to know them, I consider MYSELF the fortunate one.

We, of course, are going to want to know about you, you are our member. Learning about self care is a big deal here. If we can focus some of our time on ourselves we can be in a better position to help our loved ones. Have you heard the saying "put the oxygen mask on yourself first?"

It sounds as though you have found great purpose in helping others. One thing that is helpful is to know that children learn by example. You taking care of you is seen, you are not invisible.

Have you considered or do you work with a therapist for support with everything you've been up against? Therapists can add much insight into our lives, I know mine has.