Return to baseline - why it takes longer and longer - I wish ...

[Dr.Me2]

My BPW UW has shown over the last couple of years whenever she is angry it takes longer than normal to return to baseline. Sometimes several hours, and progressively several days. Recently it has been a week.

I read that research shows it takes 20% more time for a pwBPD to return to normal after experience any emotion they respond with anger and yet the problem magnifies itself when yet another emotion hits them before they can return to baseline. Augmenting even longer the time it takes to return to baseline.

I can't have a conversation nor help her unless she shows signs that she is heading to baseline and yet I notice lately that as soon she becomes aware she is heading to baseline she sets another mind field or finds another excuse to explode and everything starts over again.

I wish someone out there can find something (a pill, formula or technique) to help my BPD W return to baseline and stay there longer so I can help.

I can't seem to find the way to help when she is all over in rage.

[HopefulDad]

I've noticed the same with my BPDw, but I think it might be tied to my changes in attitude since we started couples therapy back in March.  I used to walk on eggshells around her, always careful what I say in fear of the slightest thing could set her off.  Now if I have something to say, I say it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not rude about it and often it has nothing to do with her, but I used to hide things that could trigger stress like an unexpected car repair bill (which would trigger an intense concern about money for no apparent reason since we don't live paycheck to paycheck).  I also am much better at setting boundaries against abusive behavior, particularly the outbursts.

I think she liked the "old me" better, the one who would capitulate, the one who would protect her from bad news.  She is probably interpreting my standing up for myself as being aggressive towards her and is thus taking much longer to come up from the bottom of our conflict cycle.  I'm usually at the top, waiting for her to join me, for days... .then weeks.

Is there a similar dynamic going on with you?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm sorry this is happening   You sound like you love her a lot and she's lucky to have someone in her life who wants to help her and understand her.

I can't seem to find the way to help when she is all over in rage.

The bottom line is, you can't. Not when she is dysregulated. I'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

There are tools and techniques, though, when used together over time, that can come together and create a climate with less and less tension and less and less dysregulation. It falls on us to use those tools and techniques, like validation (and also pay attention that we don't invalidate), time-outs, boundaries, using SET - support, empathy, truth -  when stating an opinion etc. Sometimes we do it well, sometimes not, but even doing some is a lot better than doing nothing at all.

If you click on Stop the bleeding on the right, you get to a page that will take to to these tools.

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I hope this is of some help and comfort.