New here and scared, exhausted...

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

My 15 y/o daughter has been diagnosed with BPD with some histrionic and antisocial behavior as well.  Since she was a little girl she has manipulated my husband and I and her older brother, which what I just assumed was "bratty" behavior.  Now the layers have been pulled back and she briefly revealed her "true self" to her therapist, which threw him for such a loop that he had to go see his own therapist.  She was initially diagnosed with ADHD, which was later shown to be misdiagnosed.  Then it was "clinical depression".  No meds ever worked.  In the last year and a half or so she has begun to treat my husband and I and her brother as if she hates us one minute, loves us the next.  Loves us when she wants something or has something to look forward to.  She has shoplifted, she has done drugs, she started having sex in 7th grade, and she was recently expelled for a sexual act with a boy at school, in the evening, in the hallway, while her father and probably 1000 people sat in the auditorium attending a driver ed meeting.  (She told her father she was going to the bathroom.)  She drinks when she can.  I'm quite sure if we weren't so close she would have torn our family apart already.  Our son who is 17 finally spilled everything he has been holding inside about her, and it has caused him to need therapy.  He has been constantly made to give in to her.  As toddlers: "give her the toy!  We don't want her to scream!" - that has escalated into more age appropriate behavior like her embarrassing him at school, saying terrible things to him in front of his friends, and just plain disrespect of all 3 of us.  She has cut her left arm from wrist to elbow repeatedly.  She suffers panic attacks and extremely inappropriate behavior.  All the while seemingly innocent in most she does, keeping it very under the radar, but apparently has this personality that I have not met yet.  Her therapist says she is the smartest most manipulative BP that he has ever encountered.  We are on the verge of checking her into a facility - possibly McLean Ctr.  Has anyone experienced this intervention? I am terrified. exhausted. afraid for her.

[Kimbo]

Hi,

My 15 y/o daughter has been diagnosed with BPD with some histrionic and antisocial behavior as well.  Since she was a little girl she has manipulated my husband and I and her older brother, which what I just assumed was "bratty" behavior.  Now the layers have been pulled back and she briefly revealed her "true self" to her therapist, which threw him for such a loop that he had to go see his own therapist.  She was initially diagnosed with ADHD, which was later shown to be misdiagnosed.  Then it was "clinical depression".  No meds ever worked.  In the last year and a half or so she has begun to treat my husband and I and her brother as if she hates us one minute, loves us the next.  Loves us when she wants something or has something to look forward to.  She has shoplifted, she has done drugs, she started having sex in 7th grade, and she was recently expelled for a sexual act with a boy at school, in the evening, in the hallway, while her father and probably 1000 people sat in the auditorium attending a driver ed meeting.  (She told her father she was going to the bathroom.)  She drinks when she can.  I'm quite sure if we weren't so close she would have torn our family apart already.  Our son who is 17 finally spilled everything he has been holding inside about her, and it has caused him to need therapy.  He has been constantly made to give in to her.  As toddlers: "give her the toy!  We don't want her to scream!" - that has escalated into more age appropriate behavior like her embarrassing him at school, saying terrible things to him in front of his friends, and just plain disrespect of all 3 of us.  She has cut her left arm from wrist to elbow repeatedly.  She suffers panic attacks and extremely inappropriate behavior.  All the while seemingly innocent in most she does, keeping it very under the radar, but apparently has this personality that I have not met yet.  Her therapist says she is the smartest most manipulative BP that he has ever encountered.  We are on the verge of checking her into a facility - possibly McLean Ctr.  Has anyone experienced this intervention? I am terrified. exhausted. afraid for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hazelrah]

Hello Kimbo, and 

I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you've experienced with your daughter.  It is quite natural to feel scared for her--it shows how much you truly love her.  Although your family has obviously gone through a lot, now that a diagnosis has been made you have a clearer opportunity to get her started with an appropriate treatment--with dedication and perseverence, things have the chance to get better. 

While I don't have children, my experience with my BPD wife has left me feeling many of the same emotions you, your husband, and your son have.  Rest assured there are plenty of folks on this site that can commiserate with your exact situation, and you have come to a great place for information and, hopefully, some healing.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has proven to be a solid form of therapy for BPD, and it might be something you want to explore for your daughter.  You can read more about it here: The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy .


In addition, our Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board is a great place for you to start communicating with parents also dealing with children diagnosed as BPD.  I invite you to visit the board--you will be welcomed with open arms by folks that understand your situation.

Please look around the site and feel free to interact with the community.  We're glad you found us.

[peaceplease]

Kimbo, 

  I would like to join Hazelrah in welcoming you to bpdfamily.  You have gone through a lot with your daughter.  And, you are right sometimes people with BPD can tear a family apart.   I have an adult daughter that I suspect has BPD.  So, I can relate to much of what you have said.  I didn't think about BPD until she was an adult. (25 then, now 29)  The good news for you is that your daughter is still young and her chances of recovery are higher.

I hope you will join us on the parenting board as Hazelrah has recommended. There are quite a few with teens on the board.   I look forward to seeing your future posts. 

peaceplease

[autumnfall]

Welcome!  I feel your pain on the personality thing... .I only saw the other side (angry, bitter, nasty) when I found her twitter account.  The way she addressed people and acted shocked me to the core.  Her sister a year younger had told me for years she was "mean" and I couldn't see half of what she does to her.  Only after this, did I truly understand how manipulative she could be.  Several other things happened at the same time then, that showed me my daughters true colors.  I mourn the death of the daughter I thought I had raised for 17 years, as she had me pretty snowed over and manipulated.  I still love my daughter to death, but now have my eyes open to what she can be capable of - it's a tough road.  Were here for you!       

[BioAdoptMom3]

Scared and exhausted, yep, that pretty much sums it up for us parents doesn't it?  I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but glad you found us.  Ours is 14 and I could totally relate to what you said about tearing your family apart.  She is our youngest, 9 years younger than our younger son.  Things always have seemed so normal around here, so status quo until we started experiencing cutting, anorexia, bulimia, difficult relationships, not wanting to go to school because of bullying, suicidal thoughts and even attempts! No matter how well things seem to be going, you just cannot get rid of the stress of not knowing what to expect tomorrow, or tonight or even in 10 minutes!    to you!

[Someday . . .]

Hi Kimbo, Welcome to the site.   You certainly have been through a lot.  In response to McLean Hospital, I can speak from personal experience that it worked REALLY well for my daughter.  My dd25 went for 6 wks, intensive inpatient (she was 21 at the time).  It was the 'miracle' drug she needed.  It totally changed her from someone who was full of guilt and shame to someone who actually cared about her own well being and was able to control her emotions (and was invested in her own recovery).  You probably are aware that McLean is the #1 private psychiatric hospital in the U.S.  The one piece of info that I would give you, is that wherever your daughter goes, it is SO important to continue treatment once she is discharged.  My daughter continued with a great therapist for six months after McLean and did really well in those six months.  She then decided to move someplace else and to make a long story short things went downhill quickly and she's never been emotionally as well since.  In fact, she has since been in an additional 7 other facilities and none have come close to the level of McLean's care, compassion, and expertise (even in my daughters opinion).  So, if you are thinking of McLean, I feel that you or your daughter would not be disappointed in their services.

Best of luck to you.  That's awesome that you are such a close family!

[crazedncrazymom]

Hey kimbo! 

Welcome!  I'm glad you made it over here.  It is amazing how we go from bratty to serious mental illness isn't it?  I know my family did the same thing with my dd16.  Freakin' little brat... knock it off (this was said in my head... .mostly) to WOW what did I do to my poor suffering baby!  I had a lot of guilt to work through.  I still am, actually.  I know what you mean about your son being forced to take a backseat.  My dd went to a residential treatment facility (rtf) for just over a year.  My son, who previously spent all his time in the basement and only came up to grumble at us about food or something, came out of the basement and was a real pleasure and joy to be around.  We developed a close relationship and had a happy little family.  DD is back home and ds is back in the basement grumbling about food.

It is just danged near impossible for me to find a balance, but I am working on it.  My goal is twice a week to make sure I do something with just me and ds.  It's not much but hopefully enough to let him know how important he is and how much I love him.

All the while seemingly innocent in most she does, keeping it very under the radar, but apparently has this personality that I have not met yet.  Her therapist says she is the smartest most manipulative BP that he has ever encountered. 

You must be so proud!     My dd is very smart too.  All the professionals I came in contact with noticed that and said it will probably be harder to treat her because she is so smart.  I wish you luck!

McLean has a very good reputation around these boards.  Just echoing what others have said... It is so important to continue treatment when she is back home.  Keep coming back.  Keep learning new skills to help your whole family cope.  BPD is so hard and heartbreaking to deal with but it can be managed.  There is a lot of hope and successful stories on this board.

-crazed

[crumblingdad]

Welcome Kimbo you've come to the right place and so sorry for all you're going through.  Our DD16 is in a similar place as yours and we've gone through much of what you've described.  It's exhausting, terrifying, frustrating and consuming. I often have asked (somewhat jokingly)if there is a god why is he being so sadistic to our family.  Ok so maybe it's not so joking when I ask myself that but on a more serious note I empathize and sympathize with your situation.

I have twice gotten approval for admission for our dd16 into McLeans 28 day atr dual diagnosis program.  It's not an easy task as it's in high demand and often has a waiting list.  They also have a 90 day self pay program for teen BPD with a heavy DBT focus. Sounds like the 28 day acute dual diagnosis would be your best bet.  Just a reminder that your dd has to be willing to enter the program as it is strictly voluntary and if she says no they will not take her and they are strict with this.  Both times we had her in agreement she changed mind and refused - the second time we convinced her to go and at least see the facility and talk to them.  She agreed and they seemed very competent but during intake she decided she did not want to stay and at that point the admission process was over for us.

I highly recommend the program if she agrees based upon my limited exposure to the program.  Where are you located?  If in New England as we are we've spent countless hours researching Dual diagnosis RTC and I'd be happy to discuss and give you insight if you'd like to PM me.  My thoughts and prayers are with your family and hope you can find the resources and answers to help your DD.