question about TPO

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I spoke with a L yesterday and after briefly sharing a few details of my H's temper and some situations that have taken place she advised that I could probably get a TPO granted in order to get him out of the house when I file.  I had asked if I can require him to leave or if I will possibly have to be the one to leave if he refuses.  I have 3 kids and finding a place quickly will not be easy for me but I will do it if I have to.

Anyway, my H has a very good job for a public entity and is a high-ranking officer in the military part-time.  I, selfishly, do not want to tarnish H's record because I wouldn't want him to lose either of his jobs (because that would jeopardize child support).  I am wondering if I request a TPO how that is viewed?  If this is in court documents somewhere, is this public information and would this ever show up if there was a background check run on him?  I'm thinking not, if there are no criminal charges filed.

I am just trying to weigh the pros and cons before I even think about going down that road... .

[nevaeh]

I spoke with a L yesterday and after briefly sharing a few details of my H's temper and some situations that have taken place she advised that I could probably get a TPO granted in order to get him out of the house when I file.  I had asked if I can require him to leave or if I will possibly have to be the one to leave if he refuses.  I have 3 kids and finding a place quickly will not be easy for me but I will do it if I have to.

Anyway, my H has a very good job for a public entity and is a high-ranking officer in the military part-time.  I, selfishly, do not want to tarnish H's record because I wouldn't want him to lose either of his jobs (because that would jeopardize child support).  I am wondering if I request a TPO how that is viewed?  If this is in court documents somewhere, is this public information and would this ever show up if there was a background check run on him?  I'm thinking not, if there are no criminal charges filed.

I am just trying to weigh the pros and cons before I even think about going down that road... .

[ForeverDad]

A TPO is a temporary order, not a Finding of Guilt, though of course in time it could result in that if pursued.  So therefore right now it ought to have minimal impact on his work, though the reality is that his problem not yours.  It was his behavior, not yours, that brought you two to this point.

In some states once a complaint is made it takes a life of its own, the prosecutors take over and the complainant is a bystander.  But if this is just filed in family or domestic court it may be different.  Is your lawyer just considering a TPO to force him to move out without making DV charges?

Is this his house bought before you married or a jointly owned house?  Doesn't really matter right now, if he needs to leave for at least the short term then do it and worry about the rest later.  If he's got a good income then he can find a place to live for now.

Oh, my story?  When we separated, I had a TPO granting me the house based on the charges of her threats of DV.  After she got out she went to family court and filed an ex parte (immediate) TPO there against me and included our son in it.  (My TPO was in municipal court and only I was protected.)  At the first family court hearing the judge excluded our child from her case so that a parenting schedule could be set.  At the next hearing in family court I also filed a TPO against her to counteract hers.  So if you're counting, I had 2 protections, she had 1 protection.  After a couple more months all three were dismissed.  Neither of us had any fallout from it, though a few years later she had her DV case expunged from the court records.

While courts don't hand out TPOs like candy, sometimes it seems that way 'to err on the side of caution'.  Many of us here have either filed them or had them filed against us.

[nevaeh]

That seems consistent with what the lawyer told me.

Basically, the discussion came from my question about whether I could "force" him to leave the house.  Of course, I can't, but then she started asking me about any DV.  I gave her a few examples of situations that have happened, most recently a week ago Sunday where he got mad and threw some things across the room (although not AT me) as well as the incident where he pushed me to the ground during an argument, which followed a situation where he got mad at S12 and made some kind of physical contact with S12 causing him to fall down 7 steps.  Thankfully S12 was not injured but that action from my husband brought out the momma bear in me and it wasn't pretty from that point on (hence the pushing).  Anyway, L said that there might be enough for a judge to possibly grant a temporary TPO, with the idea that if he had a temp TPO that he would have to find a place to live, which would either give me time to find another place to live until he was able to get back into the house or he would just be OK with finding another place to live while the divorce is settled.  I just don't want to file any criminal charges because I just don't think there is enough there that I'm willing to tarnish his reputation over.  Yes, he does have some serious issues, but I just don't feel like I want to do that to him.  This is hard enough to try and deal with the guilt of leaving him but then to pile on more guilt of ruining his reputation would be like throwing fuel on the fire.

It's helpful to know that the TPO would likely just stay between the two of us, so to speak.

[casper324]

I understand your situation, been there.  I got a TRO after an incident, my daughter 23,  also got a TRO on her Father.  He was asked to leave the house only because I had guests, my daughter and her boyfriend were here and I had animals I was required to care for here.  He also had a place to go, back to Mommy,  while my family is out of State and my son is still in College at a local school. 

In NJ a Restraining order doesn't expire so they treat them seriously.  You need to be able to prove 2 of the following conditions:

homicide

assault

terroristic threats

kidnapping

criminal restraint

false imprisonment

sexual assault

criminal sexual contact

lewdness

criminal mischief

burglary

criminal trespass

harassment

stalking.*

I could prove the threat of assault, this would have been my second TRO and he's got a past history of having trouble with Authority.  My second condition was going to be Criminal Mischief as he put a screw in my truck tire and let my horses out of the pasture or opened the gate so they could get out.  I was told that because we were still married, the tire or horses weren't considered criminal mischief since we both owned the truck and horses.  I pushed it stating my boarders horse who didn't get out, Thank God, just my two, but could have and either been hurt or half way across the county, he's a thoroughbred.  So at the advice of a L, I settled for a Civil Agreement, absolutely useless especially with a BPD. 

Your in a tough situation and I hope it works out for you. 

[ForeverDad]

While some states may be very strict with TPOs, not all are.  Discuss this further with your lawyer, it may be that in your state a TPO is a reasonable option.  In fact, in some states it's not uncommon for a TPO/TRO to be filed when a divorce is filed.  The reasoning is that it is best to keep spouses apart during the heightened tension of the first few days or weeks.

When I filed for divorce and custody, my ex counter-filed for custody too and also filed a TPO for Stalking or Harassment.  Bogus grounds but my lawyer told me that the judge very likely could grant it for up to 5 years just for claimed but vague "fearfulness".  Judges are reluctant to deny it and risk reading in the newspaper about the spouse being attacked or killed.  In my case, we settled (I am more and more growing to hate that word) but on my terms: our child was excluded from the case, no admission of guilt, no finding of guilt and limited to just X months with no extensions possible.  So basically it just ended up being a stay-apart order.