New trigger for me

[WiseMind]

I found out in a big way tonight that I am triggered by my uBPDmom reaching out to my husband via email or Facebook message. Even if it is about something seemingly innocent, like how to beat a level of Candy Crush. Things tend to never be innocent and she typically reaches out to stir things up or get attention. I feel like that sounds so paranoid of me but I've been dealing with her for 30+ years. I got so upset I was shaking when my husband told me she messaged him. This time of year is very hard for me because of the increased contact with her due to holidays. I asked that my husband send her back a very brief and non-engaging message back which he did. He is very aware of the history and what she's like. But I can't believe how shaken it left me.  :'( Will I ever not react emotionally to these things?

[WiseMind]

I would like to add that I think it is such a big trigger for me because he is a part of my 'safe' and 'healthy' side. It makes me very anxious when I start to think of my uBPD mom use her 'tricks' on my husband. I really just want her to stay out of our lives as much as possible. Thanks for listening.

[GeekyGirl]

I would like to add that I think it is such a big trigger for me because he is a part of my 'safe' and 'healthy' side.

That's good insight, WiseMind. Do you feel threatened when she reaches out to him? What does he think when she contacts him?

Triggers can be really painful, but the good thing is, when you identify them and acknowledge them, you can proactively do things to make them less painful. If you know that your mother's contact through FB or e-mail is triggering, you can discuss it with your husband so if/when it happens, you won't be surprised by his reaction.

Holidays can be triggers... .I certainly know that. What can you do to make the contact with your mother less stressful?

[Sitara]

Is it possible it bothers you so much because you want to protect your husband?  I'm very protective of my husband and I hate seeing my mom do hurtful things to him.  The way she treats people I care about is actually the biggest cause of problems between us.

Also, when I first started dating my husband, my mom loved him.  For example, she would stop by and take him out to random lunches and just spend quality time with him.  It drove me nuts because she would never do anything like that for me, so there definitely was an element of jealousy going on.

It is emotional.  You're allowed to have feelings.  It's hard when something catches you off-guard.

[WiseMind]

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses.

Sitara - I think yes, a part of me does not want her to pull the same sort of crap she pulled with me for years. But I think what it really boils down to is that I fear she will 'turn' him in the same ways she has many other people under her 'spell.' Deep down I know that won't happen and that my husband loves me and sees how she is, but it is a part of my low self-esteem.

And to respond to your comments about your mom loving your husband when you first started dating - I haven't had that experience. However, she tends to get all of her validation from men and has all of her life, if that makes sense. She likes to be desired - has 'daddy issues'. She knows though now that she's shown her true colors to my husband and she I'm sure knows that I've told him all kinds of stories about my childhood, that she is unable get that from him. One example of a way she disrespects him is by calling him my former fiance's name - even though we've been married for 4 years now. I don't think she does this by accident, and she knows it really gets under my skin (or it did - I have learned not to react to it). And I'm sure it gets under my husband's skin as well but he gets that she has an illness and ignores it.

GeekyGirl - thank you for your comments. I do feel threatened, but in such a way that it threatens my 'safe zone.' She has always betrayed me and can't be trusted - I think I just react that she will try to lure my husband into revealing something about me (I have limited contact with her and do not share anything about my life except for superficial things). I know he wouldn't do that but I get anxious because she is very manipulative. So after discussing it with my husband we agreed that he'd respond politely but succinctly. He would not engage her. That made me feel tons better.

As far as what I can do to make contact with my mom less stressful... .until I get to a place where I am strong enough that she can't trigger such reactions in me, I guess I need to continue to limit contact. Any suggestions are most welcome. I really feel so lucky to have these boards and you all to talk about this stuff.