frustrated and sad

[Healing4Ever]

I'm feeling so frustrated and saddened - it seems that my dd17 is constantly angry and disappointed in me as a parent, and it is starting to wear on me.  I feel that I've been a good, decent, empathetic parent for the most part towards her and her brothers, but her impression of me seems to be that I'm never there for her.  I have been home with her until she turned 15 - and then i went back to school, so I was busy as if working full-time, and now I've been working part-time as an RN.  But I still attend as many of her tournaments as I can, give her rides to school when I'm around (many times a week), help her with homework when she needs it, have food ready and available (she is gluten-free), etc. etc.  Her 11 yo brother has been doing fine - he seems to better understand that there are times I'm going to be gone because I'm working, and as a single Mom, that's necessary.  There seems to be a hostility she directs at me that she doesn't direct at others, like her father - who lives in another city only 45 minutes away, she rarely sees, and dedicates his life to our other son (who lives with him) and his step-daughters.  If anything - my dd17 should be angry with him.  And I have heard her express frustration about his behavior  - but then she texts him, talks to him on the phone, and in the same day can't give me the time of day. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's normal teen behavior, especially since she plans on leaving home next September. But I hear friends talk about their 17 yo daughters and it's different.  I am just noticing more and more passive aggressive comments from my dd17, and I feel really sad about it.   I'm really not sure how to deal with it.  Friends have commented to me on how great a Mother I am, how much I do for them, how lucky the kids are to have me.  Not sure what to do. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Healing4Ever,

I know the confused sadness you are writing about.  Your d17's twisted perception doesn't represent reality and when she projects her perceptions onto you your empathy for her can cause you to question what reality is... .this can certainly cause a painful/circular cycle of self doubt.

Your daughter lives in the moment, sees things/people/events/circumstances as black or white.  For her feelings=facts.  If you aren't there at a moment she wants you there then you are NEVER there... .regardless of how  many times in the past you were present for her.  Your daughter also applies this black and white thinking/feeling/believing system to people.  This process is called Splitting.

Once we understand the behaviors and the purposes they serve for our children we can:

personalize less

empathize more

communicate more effectively

improve our relationship with them

develop affective coping skills

model affective coping skills

I hope reading the link to Splitting helps you better understand your daughter and leads to positive improvements for you and she.


lbjnltx

[griz]

Healing:  Do you think that this behavior with you and your husband could just be normal behavior.  You are always there, she knows that.  Her dad is not, she knows that too but possibly desperately wants him to be.  Every bit on communication with him keeps him a presence in her life. This is just a thought but it has to be a pretty scary thought for her to let him know her frustrations with him.  What if that pushed him away? What if she lost even more than his physical presence?  So she communicates with him but in the end is left with the same frustration that he is really not in her life and what do you do with that frustration? You dump it on someone who you know in your heart is not going anywhere.  YOU are the safe person in her life.  YOU are the one she can count on.  I am not discounting Splitting at all but sometimes I think we jump to label every behavior as a BPD behavior, when in fact it is normal feelings.

Have you ever had a conversation with your daughter about her feelings about her Dad.  Empathized with her that it must be hard to not have him in her life the way she would like.  My DD snapped at me this morning when I put my two cents in about a friend of hers who recently has not been there for her.  She is so hurt about it.  While I thought I was being validating when I told her what a moron I thought her friend was (I thought I was validating her feelings) she got so angry with me and made a remark about one of my friends who isn't the greatest friend alot.  I quickly caught myself and told her, "I'm sorry I said that, it must be really hard to be so let down by XXX, especially since you have been such a good friend and you are right I need to have better boundaries with my friend too, because I am also a good friend to her".  The conversation immediately turned pleasant and we talked about things we could do to have better inter-personal relationships". 

I think this is just an example of normal emotions we all feel.  Being angry with no place to put it so we put it some place else.  I am sorry you are getting the fall out... .been there too. It is a lousy place to be but sometimes gives us opportunities to have good conversations.

Griz

[suchsadness]

Healing4ever... .I too understand your frustration!  I finally figured it out one day when I was a single mom like you.  I realized that with my dd it was like this:  if you do everything, you do everything wrong.  If you do nothing (her dad), you do nothing wrong!  Sad, but true in her eyes 

[Healing4Ever]

Thanks lbjnltx - that splitting link is great.  I am resisting diving into the tools to use with her because I don't want to believe that this is where we've landed.  It's just in the past 6 months things have changed with her.  But, I'm feeling that familiar feeling that I've had when dealing with my uBPD Mom and uBPD ex, and it scares me even more to go back into that destructive cycle of self-doubt.  So I will brace myself and dive in anyways.

griz - I too wonder how much of this is normal behavior, or at least starts as normal behavior.  There is an aspect of blame and the treatment of me one way and turning to others in the next breath and being kind that feels unsettling.  I am open to this being normal - but my gut tells me that I need to be cautious for my own heart during these next months.  I have been a parent that up until now, has been able to generally NOT take my kids actions personally - tantrums, bad moods, anger etc.  Her passive-aggressive anger is new and just feels different. The other thing with her is that she refuses to talk about anything difficult - after a passive-aggressive jab of hers towards me, I had hoped to discuss the issue and find a solution so her needs could be met, but that required her talking about what those needs were, and she refused any conversation at all. 

There have been a few rare times where she's opened up about her Dad, and I've listened empathetically and it's gone well, and generally she talks about not feeling like she has a place in his house, and that he doesn't keep promises (which he doesn't) and usually she has pretty wise insight into his behavior.  I don't recall her sharing too much about her sadness - if anything she'll say she's angry or frustrated.  I'm hoping she'll be able to use the counselling we have set up for her to start soon to figure some of this out. 

Thanks suchsadness - what a hard place to be.  I agree - we are in a position where we can't win.  I'm finding that she's angry when I do things as well as when I don't, when she's in her mood. 

H4E