Cant take this anymore

[Wishful thinking]

I dont know where to start.

We are still under the same roof and hes making plans to get over to this woman who is so in love with him.

Im so so hurt.

Even tho I know its another failure for him i cant help but be devastated at the speed it takes them to move on

[simplyasiam]

sorry to hear your dealing with this. i know it hurts. do you have family or friends you can talk with. if he leaves try not to let your self be alone to much.

[lisasport]

Remember the same thing will happen to her. You can move on and be happy and he will never to happy.

[simplyasiam]

you broken up with him before?

[Wishful thinking]

When i wrote i was going beserk as he was chatting to this other woman

He wanted to leave me  in May this year. It was as if lightning striked. Out of the blue.

I was devastated and got lots of support from this forum only to realise that i too can decide if I wanna leave him or not. At the time I felt like the victim. learnt that they spiral out of control like that and that they tend to make a comeback. I decided to think it thru and the thought of leaving brought such a huge relief.

I caught him with 2 online relationships. And gave him one last chance.

Last week a new woman was on the scene. On my birthday of all days it was discovered.

Our relationship for the past mnth was quite normal except for our intimacy. I explained to him that I was confused and tha I needed time. I secretly planned a romantic evening for us where I was going to step out in faith and be a wife to him again in all aspects since he was trying hard to please me etc.

Oh well. How many times this week weve made up (being friendly towards ea other) knowing what lies ahead of us. All i asked was for some respect. I wanted to end this marriage of ours amicably at least.

Thru this he promised he was not in contact with any one. Last nite while scratching on fb i saw he had a new name. And was now in relationship with this other woman.

We are both in a foreign country. We were ea others pillars. I dont hav any family here. And frankly no one i can run to. My church is there but who wants to call someone when you are falling apart.

Im trying to keep it together. Ive asked him to be out by Wedn. Him leaving is up to how soon I can get him a ticket out of here.

I feel the quicker the better for me. I will be going to our home country to sign all the neccessary papers to kickstart the divorce process.

I love him so much but cant be getting hurtlike this. Inwas going to wait for 2 weeks where we were going back together for the inevitable.

I feel so guilty cos inside its like i just want to get rid of him. In less than 2 hours ago he was boasting as how he is trying to reel this new woman in so she can get him a ticket to the states. Right now he was telling me that he loves me and he does not want to leave. This foreign place became our home. But in 3 days time im buying his ticket to leave.

He keeps on telling me that he loves me. He does not want to leave me. And he will miss me terribly. I still love him but cant take the hurt anymore.

The more he talks like this the more i get confused. And my heart goes soft.

I suffer from depression. And medicatin thru the years has blunted my affect to a certain degree. I feel. Then my heart creates this space longing for him. I know its sick hence I wana move fast so we can be apart.

[Jbt857]

So sorry you are going through this.

i spent the past 4 years trying to get over my ex cheating online, lots of dramas in between, we called it a day in feb, then he finally left in April. By August we were getting closer again. 3 weeks later and he's ensconced in a relationship with someone 'really special' - so I feel your pain. It's horrendous.

In hindsight, i wish I'd called time on my marriage when i caught him cheating online. id have saved myself a whole lot more pain, and what amounted to very little pleasure in the intervening years. Id be a lot further forward today if i had.

I'd say try and move through it as quickly as you can. Try and be decisive. Don't keep going over and over conversations with him. Try and keep out of his way between now and when he leaves.

You can't trust him. By the sound of it, he's obviously been scouting for your replacement for some time.

I can't say it won't hurt like hell - it will. But I literally felt the tension and stress lift when my now-ex walked out of that door.

You'll have good days, ok days and truly terrible days. But you need to do this, to get back to being you, so you can move on to a future you are worthy of. You set boundaries - he broke them. You owe it to yourself to call time on this.

Life, and love really shouldn't be this painful.

Good luck and keep posting here so we know how you're doing.

[Clearmind]

Hi Wishful - its very hard and you have a plan - you are showing incredible strength.

One thing to bear in mind is that with anyone in our lives we need to look out for the actions rather than the words. Unfortunately for those with BPD words are synonymous with how they feel in that very moment. The past, that is there inner pain catches up with their actions sooner rather than later.

None of it is your fault and I'm sure he loves you - there is always a price to pay however and it seems like you have hit your limit. We all do at some point when we instinctively know its too late to go back.

Its likely Wednesday will come and he won't have a plan to move anywhere - what are your plans then? Do you own the house you are in? Are there any legal obligations given you are in a foreign country?

Take care of you and keep us updated.

[Wishful thinking]

Clearmind.

Yes, i am staying in a house provided for me by my company. We dont have any other home. I am looking for places myself so that when he arrives in our home country he has a roof over his head even if I have to pay for one months rent for him. As long as i can move forward and not in circles.

His safety is a concern for me. Cos hes talking bout suicide. Hes stressing. And its not nice cos ive always been the caretaker.

Im reaching out to other ppl also and the support is great.


Thank you guys for your feedback n encouragement. I will keep u posted 

[Clearmind]

when he arrives in our home country he has a roof over his head even if I have to pay for one months rent for him.

Is this to ensure he does move? Or make it easier for him to move?

Wishful - does he work?

[Wishful thinking]

@clearmind

Yes. He does not work. And this is the only way to ensure him to move.

[Jbt857]

@clearmind

Yes. He does not work. And this is the only way to ensure him to move.

Has he left yet, Wishful? What's the latest? Did he go on Wednesday?

[LivingLearning]

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.

What came to my mind is to make sure to do the simple things right now:

Try to rest, eat healthily, drink water, do little things that comfort you.

Don't be afraid to ask for help  from people around you.

Think of whats helped you a bit before and do that.

Thinking of you and wishing you some peace right now. You'll be better after some time. Keep up the good work. And ugh, I'm so sorry for the hurt.

[Wishful thinking]

Has he left yet, Wishful? What's the latest? Did he go on Wednesday?[/quote]
No he did not leave on Wedn as planned. We couldnt secure a place for him to stay in our home country.

Then we went to see our pastor at church on Tue eve. He wanted to come with to state his case that he admits to have wronged our marriage but that he does not want to divorce.

The padtor recommended if I see chance for this to slog this out for the next 60 days.

They (the church) would like to walk with us thru this process. There are many things to do etc boundaries regarding internet. Accountability etc. And thru us talking my BPDH did not once get upset etc. as i thought wud be the case. What was great about the counseilling was that it was in no way condemning to either of us.

I agreed to the 60days. Agreed to give God the space to work within my life and marriage. There are no guarantees. Yet nothing is impossible for God. And i know that ppl reading this might roll their eyes.i dont know what lies ahead.

I feel guilty. I feel torn. And most of all disappointed in myself that I couldnt see this thru. I read alot about relationship recycling n stuff and probably find myself in it. Ivebecome quiet towards my friends n family. I feel I cant talk to them bcos everyone has been telling me to leave. Now Im doing contrary.

Could this be Traumatic Bonding?

I think of myself as a push over to give this another chance. Im angry at myself. All the built up towards Wedn came to an anti climax. I dont know on which boards to post either.

[Lady31]

Wishful,

I went through that too.  I am a Christian and when my H started to turn around and got very active in church, etc. - I stayed to see where it went.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.  It actually gives you peace knowing you gave it all you had and sought God to help work things out.  I actually think it is FINE and GOOD.  Now that you have a clear path of what is expected - then it is positive.  It's not like you are doing the same old thing expecting a different result.  You are laying down expectations for help and setting boundaries to not tolerate abuse - that's good!  Now if through that you don't get a different result - then, ok - you go forward with a different plan.

My H pulled the 180 to church and then the 180 again after some months and got far worse than he ever was and we finally divorced this summer.  However, I am glad I saw it to the very end and tried everything.

I think it will be good to have all exposed and others involved to see what is really going on.  (Where he is not allowed to isolate and keep his behavior in the dark)  As long as he sticks with that and makes progress great.  If he starts to back away from that plan or starts his old behavior with you - that is when you will have to set different boundaries and be prepared with a plan if he doesn't follow it through.

I say don't beat yourself up!  Be cautious and firm in your boundaries and see where the chips fall at that point.

And I personally agree with you - I think God is completely capable of dealing with this issue in him.  It's a matter of whether he will let him or not.

Be blessed!

[Wishful thinking]

Thank u Lady31

I must say I feel loads better. Thanks for your understanding in all of this

I will keep you updated.

[LivingLearning]

Something I wanted to offer around "it's another failure for him".

For me, it was a big deal to realize I can't know what my ex needs. I do think I have a very good idea and instinct around what would be good for her. Yet, for me to call that her failure, is a different story. I am not a Christian, yet I love much about Christianity.

Even as I write this I wonder "maybe I can be open to people's actions being failures more". "Maybe it's okay for me to judge, or rather to discern."

Anyhow, not sure what I'm saying exactly, but good to read your post.