Legal Separation?

[oblivian2013]

My wife left July 3rd with a police escort to a confidential location in a nearby city. I helped her pack the car and kissed her goodbye. After being together for three years, married for two. We were best friends. She had been going to IOP at the psych hospital five days a week and I was left at home with her dogs for five months. All her emails said I love you right up until the last two weeks. She got an apartment and said she was moving out. I think she was getting a lot of bad advice from the local women's shelter.

I had emailed her earlier about her taking my car to her son's wedding in the middle of July, she said yes. I apparently was not going. She said there would be no contact for a month and maybe after that we could write each other handwritten letters and start dating again. She had a one year lease on her subsidized apartment. The last week of July I asked my case manager to contact her case manager about the return of the car, as I did not want to contact her directly. That same day my wife filed a protection from abuse complaint, which I lost being totally ignorant of family court. She requested, but didn't get the car as relief.

The judge mentioned "pending divorce", so I got a lawyer immediately. As my wife lived at an undisclosed location, we were unable to serve her, but when she learned about my intention to serve, she filed two days later. Two weeks went by and we tried again by mail. Two days later I was served by a sheriff. My lawyer filed a counter-case.

I don't think either of us want a divorce, but I had used the word a couple of times and I know that really upset her. She was also really concerned with my health, both mental and physical, and my drinking. I was getting healed, but not as quickly as she may have liked. She even set me up with counseling. Then she gave me books on how to love yourself and said I am going away to get better and you must too if you want to reunite. She said the onus was on me.

I knew nothing about BPD at that time. She said she had a mental illness when we first started dating, but she seemed perfectly normal 98% of the time. Every once in a while we would go into a hurricane with her giving me the silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. Must have recycled ten times. Always temper tantrums over my behavior. She would start shrieking and I would just say "get out" in frustration. I regret saying that because I didn't realize how fragile she is.

She often said how she didn't believe she would ever fall in love again, until she met me, and that we would be together until the end of time. But she would also say how "precious" I was and I would detect a note of insincerity. But I passed off the red flags repeatedly.

So, here is the question: I haven't seen or communicated with her in four months, I don't even know if she is seeing anyone else. I don't think so, she still has photos of me up on her facebook page (I still have photos of her on mine). Although we have defriended each other per advice from Splitting. I miss her deeply. I am the only man in her life that ever loved her; her dad was an abusive drunk, one former bf tried to kill her... .I bought her a house and tried to give her a new life.

Am I delusional? I have asked my lawyer to propose a legal separation prior to proceeding with the divorce. Our breakup happened so fast. I just want to try and figure out a solution. Maybe we can't live together, but we could work something out. I have read several places that BPD is curable. My wife has been getting help, and so have I. I want this marriage to work, especially now I understand what is going on. I don't know how she feels. Anybody familiar with legal separations?

Thanks!

[ForeverDad]

She said the onus was on me.

Blame shifting, if she claims you're the problem then she doesn't have to do anything.

No you're not delusional.  You're a rescuer, a fixer, and who knows what else.  But you can't fix her, you can't rescue her.  Sad, yes.  But there's only so much you can do.

Maybe we can't live together, but we could work something out.

I take that back, that does have shades of 'delusional'. :'(  Marriage is two people... .close... .sharing... .trusting... .looking out for each other.  You can do it, she can't.  If you can't be together, comfortable and trusting, then you'd just be putting your life on hold - and at risk! - for faded dreams and insubstantial hopes.  The relationship is unhealthy and dysfunctional.  Look, she won't even do talking, she's made allegations of some sort, aren't those clues enough?  Until that changes you'll just be spinning in circles, riding a never ending roller coaster, getting nowhere.  Is that what you want?

I was contemplating legal separation (LS) since I valued marriage, my spouse and my child so much.  That got a frown and a snort from my lawyer.  He said he's been practicing for nearly 20 years (by now it must be 25) and only had two LS cases.  He described one to me:  The spouse wanted LS so the other person could continue to get medical insurance.  Yes, they had separate lives and the only common ground was medical insurance.

I am a great advocate of marriage - healthy marriage.  But marriage, like pregnancy, is not something you can do halfway or by yourself, IMO.

[thisyoungdad]

I feel your pain, I really do. When we started the legal proceedings I was hearing "divorce" and it broke my heart so badly, I knew so little about BPD and I wanted to hope that I could fix it... .I am the knight in shining armor, rescuer type myself but thank goodness therapy is helping me. Anyway though I really desperately wanted that, and some days I still do. So I was able to get her to agree to a legal separation with my secret hope that it would buy us time to work things out. I even thought desperate things like living apart as well... .anything it took to keep her.

As it turns out we are getting divorced but did get a legal separation and I have found that it did help me but in ways I didn't expect. It helped me because it gave me more time before the divorce to process it, and come to some sense of acceptance. Our divorce will be final in May 2014 so I still fall into my hoping sometimes. Now that doesn't mean it is right for you, every situation is different.

At first I also would have done anything, and just wanted it to work so badly I almost killed myself trying to make it happen. Ultimately though, BPD is a treatable disease only if they truly want to get that help and my ex didn't or doesn't yet. My lawyer also frowned but I insisted, I didn't care what she thought. And I did turn out to be grateful simply for that extra time to adjust. It sounds weird I know but it worked for me.

[oblivian2013]

Her attorney said that while my wife said she appreciated the offer of a judicial separation, she was pressing ahead with the divorce. Now, I know it is over. I was recycling and she does not want to recycle. What's that say about me?

[momtara]

It says you are a good and loving person and want to give it a chance.  This really is happening fast.  It's a shame that she isn't giving it the same chance that you want to.  I am sorry that this happened to you.  Sounds very tumultuous.  Maybe someday it will still work out.  Try to take care of yourself, this doesn't sound easy, but kind of typical on these boards.  Is there a relative of hers you can talk to?

As for BPD being curable, well, I think that's kind of generous.  It really ain't easy.

[momtara]

Really, don't beat yourself up for having a heart.  What you did is much better than just giving up and regretting it later. 

[ForeverDad]

No court will force one spouse to stay married if that person doesn't want to be married.

It is what it is.  You did try, accept that.  It didn't work, accept that too.

Acceptance is one of the stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss.  In this respect Acceptance is a Gift of sorts, though not the one you preferred.

[livednlearned]

Maybe someday it will still work out. 

Sorry, but what?

This sounds like the worst kind of limbo hell imaginable, not in and not out.

When a marriage is over, it is awful and hard and so difficult to process. The pain is excruciating. But lean into that pain -- it's how you set yourself free and begin growing. If you can process this deeply, there is actually a huge amount of healing, not just healing from your marriage, but healing that let's you learn why you picked a pwBPD, and how to find a more healthy love next time around. Allowing someone to treat you like this, and learning how to make sure it never happens again, how to love yourself, that's a hard but ultimately profound journey.

FD's link to Grieving a Relationship Loss is a good one to take in.

There really is another side to all of this pain. I know it's hard to see right now, but you'll get there. Let your heart repair. Let the grieving truly begin.