Undiagnosed wife. How open to leave the door when separating?

[A Dad]

My wife and I are headed towards living separately, still staying in the same house for financial reasons. Expecting to move out in another 6 weeks.

For a while, I was pretty sure I was done and that this separation will be final. I think my wife also felt that I was thinking that even though we haven't said so yet. Now she is panicking, maybe for the first time truly realizing what she is about to lose. She did a sudden turnaround and was acting like she did when we first fell in love. That did give me a pause. I am still firm about living separately but started to wonder that maybe we could get back together again after a time.

She is not diagnosed as a BPD yet. She is just going to start individual therapy, starting with what is known as first-line support around here. That therapist might send her to the second-line support. It is only then that she may or may not get diagnosed with a personality disorder.

She had an affair which is a completely deal breaker for me. But we have two kids together and that changes things. I have thought long and hard about it, and the only way for us to stay together after her infidelity is if we can build a life truly full of lasting happiness, passion and care for each other. The thing is if she is BPD, that is impossible. Like 2010 says in many of her posts, I will always end up as a persecutor sooner or later, she will always end up hating or resenting me sooner or later. But if she is not BPD, there is a chance of us having a good life together with adequate therapy.

Can anyone advice me on how I should handle our separation? Do I tell her that we both need to go for therapy and then we will decide whether to end our marriage or not? for how long?

Or will it be a greater kindness to just tell her that it is over, encourage her to keep going for therapy, and then if it is to be, fate might bring us together again in a few years time?

Really lost on what will cause lesser hurt to both of us

[an0ught]

Hi adad,

here some general points to ponder

1) compared to other mental issues BPD is responding relatively well to targeted therapy.

2) in therapy things do not get easier at the beginning so there is no quick fix.

and as you wrote things recently stabilized. One key reason is you putting your foot down and sticking to your limits

3) whether you continue your marriage or not - boundaries/limits are critical to maintain stability and sanity. Restoration of "respect" may well be as important as getting back "love".

can't tell you which way to go. Tough spot to be in  ,

a0