Back to square one.

[nevermore]

I know that nothing brings out the worst in them like a holiday or gathering of people.  Even though I KNOW this, I still find myself surprised by my reaction to mother's performance.  How can I still be surprised?  Usually she sits off by herself and complains later about no one paying attention to her or my brother teasing her. There is always some kind of a complaint from her even when everything seems to have gone quite well.

This Thanksgiving she turned down my brother's invitation and opted to be at my house. I had a ton of work to do preparing the meal so she seemed to be enjoying talking to my adult daughters.  Suddenly I hear her voice boom loudly.  She said "She can't tell time or count change".  She was laughing and pointing at me.    I have no idea what got into her to act like that (again surprised to be surprised). I told her I didn't appreciate her acting like that and she said "get use to it".  It appears in the absence of my brother teasing her she turned on me.  I totally can't stand the woman but I find myself being pulled back to where I once was... .hating her.

The next day my brother called her and he suggested she should move to an assisted living facility near him.  I guess it became heated.  She had told him she "doesn't fit in" anywhere (meaning my house and his) but when he suggested moving out of her house she went nutz.   She called me to ask if he can force such a thing.  I didn't get pulled into that discussion. All I know is she will NEVER be staying at my house and if I could keep her away from me all the time I would.  I wish I had stayed no contact.  I don't feel like a coping specialist. I feel like a disrespected, manipulated, frustrated, angry person.  Her audience (my adult children) have gone back home so tomorrow the phone calls and hints to run her errands will commence.

[nevermore]

One more thing. I can tell time and count change. I have an advanced degree but in her warped mind I am the little kid who hated arithmetic. 

[Deb]

Sounds like my sister. She would pull statements like that out of thin air about me, or other targets she had. Didn't matter if it was true. It was true in her pea brain.  Some of it, I think, was a conscious attempt to cause pain. My sister, the queen of mean and nasty.  Sounds like your mom and my sister must be related. 

[Marcia]

I can relate! My Mom decided about 45 years ago that my name was to be pronounced differently than it always had been. She started correcting family members, close friends, but I never changed how I said my name--it is the standard pronunciation and was fine for me.

A few years ago my mom was visiting and attended a dinner/auction night at my husband's and my church. Mind you, we had been going to that church for 25 years. BPD mom proceeded to correct every single friend who greeted me. She was really on a mission!

I don't think it ever occurred to her how bizarre and uncomfortable her behavior was. And, it really demonstrates how these folks don't see their family members, particularly offspring as real, separate entities... .who actually have feelings and thoughts of their own.

[Deb]

And, it really demonstrates how these folks don't see their family members, particularly offspring as real, separate entities... .who actually have feelings and thoughts of their own.

That's exactly it! I finally came to understand this when I read the book, Controlling People. In it, the author explains that you are like a teddy bear to them, that thinks, feels and believes just as they do. And when you disagree, or show a different thought/belief/feeling, it enrages them.

[Sasha026]

I have to agree with Deb on this one.

Giving you the advice to ignore her is unrealistic. These women enjoy pulling the wings off of insects to see the reaction. It seems to give them a strange pleasure to see their victims dangle, like a pinata, just waiting for the next slap. Your intelligence says, "let it go", but your stomach just churns with acid as you watch her throw insults your way, as you dodge one insult after another. When your intelligence says "stay calm, it's just what she wants", they up the ante because your job is to start the fight - behaving in the way that she believes you should. Her job is to be the eternal victim. The abused, lonely mother who traveled all that way just to be with her daughter on a holiday. It's classic, almost like a made for television Thanksgiving melodrama.

I watched my mother out of the corner of my eye when I was busy with something. I could see the wheels turning - just waiting for the opportune moment to pounce, like a cat. She knew what she was doing - believe me.

If you break it down, nevermore, what it's really all about is self hatred. She wants you to start a fight. She wants you to behave angrily at her then claim that the fight is your fault.  She will poke and prod until she gets just the right reaction. I never really believed this until I saw her do it to my son. I stood there watching (like a movie) as she prodded him into reacting. What she didn't know was that it would be the last time she would ever do that or see us. Too bad. I wonder if she knew that her behavior would cause such a final reaction. Do you think that she would she have behaved differently? Nah - not one syllable.

I hope you were able to have a good Thanksgiving in spite of her behavior. Your kids love you, your husband loves you and she's a self loathing, demented witch.

Hugs.

[nevermore]

The image of her pulling the wings off insects made me grin.  I did have a nice Thanksgiving. I just can't help hoping she is not at my house for Christmas.  What amazes me is the senselessness of behaving like that. You are right that our brain tells us one thing but our   tells us "that hurts".  As I have said so many times, I am most amazed that she can still surprise me.     

[Deb]

In that book, Controlling People, the author suggests when someone says something inappropriate to stare at them and say "What?". Not mean, angry or anything like that. Just "What?" And if they repeat it, you repeat the What. Most people will back down, I guess.

[nevermore]

I am going to order that book. Saying "What?" and staring at her sounds good.

[Sasha026]

Sorry, but I just squirmed. My mother used to do that all of the time... ."whaaaaat? I can't hear you!" She could hear just fine, she just couldn't hear anyone talk with all of the crazy screaming going on in her head. I just remembered that and saw it in my head... .not good. However, if I was in another room and noticed a dollar on the kitchen table and said almost inaudibly, "Jeez, did I leave this on the table?" She would pipe up, "No, that's my dollar!" She once bought a "Miracle Ear" device to help her hear. Naturally, it slipped out of her hand and smashed on the kitchen floor. The miserable thing cost $800. She put it on a credit card. Guess who ended up paying the $800? You got it, old Diamond Jim Idiot over here.

I hope your mother is not at your house for Christmas. Christmas is the worst for them. Thanksgiving is bad, but Christmas or Easter is worse. They tally up the gifts they receive then compare prices in their heads. If anyone gets more than she does, it's time to sulk.

[nevermore]

I am really so thankful that we all have each other to help sort through all of the damage they have left within our souls.  December is the worst time of the year for me because my precious brother shot himself to death just before Christmas a decade ago.  Mother always makes December even harder as she tries to rewrite the history of what happened to him.  She comes out the nurturing, sweet, wonderful mother who really needed him to be here for her.  The truth was much uglier.  I wish I was able to just tell her exactly what I think of her and all of the lies and manipulation and how she helped bring him down to zero.  I know she wouldn't even hear me.  Not a word.  Such is BPD.  Thank you for your posts.