He wants out fast - what should I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPDh has emailed to say he wants to petition for divorce on the grounds of 'reconcileable differences'. There is no such thing in English law. I think what he means is 'unreasonable behaviour'. In other words, my unreasonable behaviour. He says he wants a quick resolution because he has nowhere to live. This isn't true - he has rented two places in a town nearby. I've also offered him to stay in our family home (it's big enough to live apart). I think he just wants to force me to sell our house so he can take his share and start again. Friends say I should get out of this toxic relationship fast. I just don't know.  One side of me wants to finish things between us and move on before I have time to let myself get sucked back in to the emotional turmoil.  The other side thinks - blow you - I invested so much in our family life emotionally and financially I want to get the best deal I can for me and for my kids and if that means taking the separation slowly I will, I just have to be level headed and strong. I havn't told my lawyer that I think he has mental health issues, just that he's very impatient. Am I doing the right thing? Any advice on this would be welcome.

[toomanytears]

My BPDh has emailed to say he wants to petition for divorce on the grounds of 'reconcileable differences'. There is no such thing in English law. I think what he means is 'unreasonable behaviour'. In other words, my unreasonable behaviour. He says he wants a quick resolution because he has nowhere to live. This isn't true - he has rented two places in a town nearby. I've also offered him to stay in our family home (it's big enough to live apart). I think he just wants to force me to sell our house so he can take his share and start again. Friends say I should get out of this toxic relationship fast. I just don't know.  One side of me wants to finish things between us and move on before I have time to let myself get sucked back in to the emotional turmoil.  The other side thinks - blow you - I invested so much in our family life emotionally and financially I want to get the best deal I can for me and for my kids and if that means taking the separation slowly I will, I just have to be level headed and strong. I havn't told my lawyer that I think he has mental health issues, just that he's very impatient. Am I doing the right thing? Any advice on this would be welcome.

[ForeverDad]

In response to the first part of your post... .Unless he is in meaningful therapy and applying it diligently in his thinking and behaviors, the past is your future if you go back or invite him back.

But I think the level-headed you wants off that endless roller coaster, right?  Then your concern needs to be about you and your children, if any.  Due to his past behaviors you can't risk letting him be on your priority list.  Let him face his consequences, he's a big boy - er, adult - right?  Can you do that, let him face his consequences?

Emotions and such should have limited consideration in a divorce.  For your sake, it needs to be as businesslike as possible.  If you bend over backwards to help him then be forewarned you can't expect him to reciprocate your fairness or niceness.  As an example, he wants you to admit to having "unreasonable behaviou", clearly he is blaming or blame-shiftng, trying to keep you off balance, confused or guilted.

Your lawyer can best serve you if he or she has all pertinent information.  The issue of probable mental illness is a huge red flag for your lawyer to be made aware of.  Yes, the divorce may not hinge on his behavioral disorder, but it may help your lawyer determine a better strategy and hence a better outcome.

[livednlearned]

I invested so much in our family life emotionally and financially I want to get the best deal I can for me and for my kids and if that means taking the separation slowly I will, I just have to be level headed and strong.

Listen to that voice. That's the voice to trust. It will be harder now, but better later. I found that a year after leaving N/BPDx, my thinking and emotions were radically different. I had confidence, was out of the turmoil, could think clearly, had more strength and self-respect. My L actually prevented me from sabotaging myself. I was initially so beaten down, just wanted the conflict to be over with, that I was willing to give up everything just to be done. She said, "No way. You were married for 10 years and helped him create these assets."

Glad I listened to her. I ended up needing some of that money to pay for the conflict. Because that's another thing -- you think it will be over with quickly and he'll move on, but it doesn't work that way. My ex keeps losing in court and the judge keeps ordering him to pay my legal fees. You would think N/BPDx (who is a lawyer) would realize that he's just costing himself money. No -- what he's thinking is that he gets to stay negatively engaged. That's how he feels like he's winning.

And unfortunately, I have to pay for front-row seats to this theater.

[marbleloser]

He's made the fatal flaw of abandoning the marital home and kids. Don't offer a quick resolution,but instead file and ask he pay his share of the marital home bills while you go through the divorce process. Bad mistake for anyone to make,moving out of the marital home prior to divorce.Use it to your advantage.

[livednlearned]

He's made the fatal flaw of abandoning the marital home and kids. Don't offer a quick resolution,but instead file and ask he pay his share of the marital home bills while you go through the divorce process. Bad mistake for anyone to make,moving out of the marital home prior to divorce.Use it to your advantage.

Be prepared for lies, too. If he feels he has lost an advantage, he may trump up false allegations. For example, in my state, it is ok to abandon the marital home if there is just cause. You don't want him inventing a bunch of false stuff just so he doesn't lose his advantage. You may end up winning, but it will cost you, which is its own form of losing. 

[toomanytears]

Thanks all for your advice - it's so good to hear supportive voices out there. I am prepared for things to go pear-shaped and have got my forces in place if they do. I am in the fortunate position of having been left a small inheritance recently. It seems a huge shame that my aunty's hard-saved cash might be used to fight out a divorce but it's good to know I can if I have to... .I recently bought the kindle version of www.amazon.com/High-Conflict-People-Legal-Disputes/dp/0973439645 which has some good advice... .

My BPDh came over at the weekend to do some jobs around the house and collect some books. He genuinely seemed to want to move things along amicably and said he had only gone done this route because he had just half an hour to spare with the solicitor and was advised it was the fastest way. Honestly he has no idea. I spoke to him gently about the other options without giving out too much information but said that I wanted to hang on to the house if I could. I don't want things to escalate into a bloodbath - not yet anyway. We may be able to settle things without and I'm prepared to try.

What I did find out about me was that I found it deeply disturbing to see him around the house and garden. I wept and wept on and off for hours afterwards. Next time I'll make sure we meet on neutral territory. Although he was charming and gentlemanly (which is so seductive) he slung in a couple of false accusations and they gave me the reality check I needed not to get sucked in.

[ForeverDad]

Inheritance assets (money, property, etc) need to be kept separate from marital funds.  It is best to hold the money in a separate account all by itself to ensure there is no risk of anyone else somehow getting part of it.

[livednlearned]

Splitting: Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy is also an excellent book. Highly recommended!

When I went into mediation, I wrote down what my goals were. If you feel susceptible to your husband's charms or manipulations, perhaps it would help you as well to articulate what you think is fair, and what you want -- including what your bottom line is. Dissolving a marriage is about dissolving a contract it's essentially about business, and it's hard (very hard) to hang onto that perspective when your heart is in your throat.