Giving in

[Breathing new air]

I have seen this talked about in various threads but wanted to address it separately.  As the holiday season approaches, my contact with my mother has increased. She is calling and because of the guilt, I have been answering the phone.  Right now, conversations are the normal. She is nice but invalidating all the time. It is like I have not said anything. She hear only what she wants to. You can feel from her that she knows that I am no anxious to be around her but no one dares say it. And now she is pushing contact again.  It is a time where no one else is putting up with the clinging and pushing her away. I know if they were not she would not be calling... .but because they are, she is.  Damaging on two levels for me. First, just the interaction is so hurtful anyway. Then there is the fact that I know she is coming around because there is no one else.  It brings back a lot of old stuff. Let me explain.

I am the first born daughter. I was her parentified, confidant, spousal stand in, but if there was anything else going on that she wanted to do or found more interesting, I was dropped. Any of my sister's called and she was there. Even if we were supposed to be doing something, but I better drop everything and be there. There was no excuse for me to step out of line or the affection was withdrawn.  No so for anyone else.  I am angry about that.  Really I feel like my family was her standby if nothing else was better, and supposed to be at her beck and call. That was an expectation placed only on me.  I was to make everything right for her. And be her back up.  It is very hard for me to set boundaries and take care of myself. Our interaction make it worse.

I feel like I am being pulled back into the FOG of childhood. I am angry at my sisters for putting me in this position. Because if I don't do this I am the villain.

I feel this holiday has pulled me back. I don't want it too. I want to stay strong. I want to be mean to her and treat her the way she treats me. But I am struggling. And I feel my anger growing.  At myself for not staying strong and at the world and my family for putting me in the position I am in. How does everyone else deal with it. How do you not give in, when in so many ways it is easier to do so. I don't have to energy to fight the battle sometimes. I am not across the country. We live in the same town. At this time, a move is not going to happen. We have a life we have built in the town we are in.  There is a part of me that sometimes wishes she had followed my dad already so I did not have to deal with her. It is hard to quiet the voice when you keep hearing it.  When I am away from her the voice quiets and I find it easier to live and I am happier. I guess I am saying where do you find your strength to continue fighting to break away for those of you who have a mom who will not let go.

[Bonus mom]

Well breathing new air, you certainly are in turmoil.  I think we're going to see many more posts about the difficulties with our BPD moms as Christmas approaches.

Let's start with a hug! 

I'm not sure where to suggest you start with your situation, I can read the pain and the frustration and the loneliness in your post - Hopefully someone with more experience than me will be able to give you some sort of starting point down a healing path.

What I can suggest, is that you try being kinder to yourself.  It is an absolute myth, that our mothers will love us unconditionally because we are their children, and that we will love our mothers unconditionally because they are our mothers.  Yet that myth is perpetuated everywhere.  Such a pity really, because it causes so much harm.

Second, I would like to gently remind you, that no one can come into your life without your permission.   You don't have to let anyone in if you don't want to.  That doesn't necessarily mean that it is easy to keep hurtful and harmful people out, but it does mean that you get the power to decide who will be allowed into your life.

You are not alone in your grief and frustration.  I keep contact with my mother to holidays and birthday celebrations only.   And even then, I keep it compacted into very brief time together.  This year I've determined I will no longer purchase her any gifts, but I will make donations on her behalf to charities.  I have never given her a gift that she has appreciated, so this is what I will do from now on - someone less fortunate will benefit from her rudeness.  Win win, I say!

I truly do feel for you, we have very similar situations based on what you have written, and it took me years to come to a place where I truly do not care about my mother's opinion of me.  Years. 

You are not alone. 

[DontPanic]

it is never easy to deal with someone with a significant PD. I know for me that detaching from the people with BPD is difficult. part of it is them, part of it is me and part of it is my little ones not understanding that the ex's inlaws are bat___ crazy.

Here is what I do... I set my boundaries and stick to them.

if the ex inlaws (outlaws?  ) call 130+ times in a week I dont answer the phone. if they are reasonable and call once and then wait for me to call them back... I usually call them back.

One thing is for certain for me at least is that the outlaws have a pre-conceived notion of what the holidays should look like and nothing I will say will change that. I am at peace with the fact they will never see that I am not the problem and that I will protect my little ones from them as much if not more than I protected my little ones from their mother.

take care of yourself and give your self some space to think things through... if that means not picking up the phone when she calls, then rest assured she WILL call back

[Moonbeam77]

I am the first born daughter. I was her parentified, confidant, spousal stand in, but if there was anything else going on that she wanted to do or found more interesting, I was dropped. Any of my sister's called and she was there. Even if we were supposed to be doing something, but I better drop everything and be there. There was no excuse for me to step out of line or the affection was withdrawn... .I feel like I am being pulled back into the FOG of childhood. I am angry at my sisters for putting me in this position. Because if I don't do this I am the villain.

I can related to this.  I also am the first born daughter.  I feel I never got to be a child and was so responsible and did all the right things but there was no real reward besides maybe getting raged at less by my NPD Father.  My Father did call and ask for my family to spend Christmas with him and his unBPD fiancée and I said no I am not coming (I have posted about this previously).  Will affection be withdrawn? Absolutely, actually it has been happening over the past couple of years because I have gotten the courage to at times be truthful with my thoughts and feelings (even if they get ignored, or down played, or twisted.)  Am I villain?  Probably in their eyes I am.  I look forward to Christmas and feel relieved I don't have to play "the good daughter role" because I won't be there.     

It is an absolute myth, that our mothers will love us unconditionally because we are their children, and that we will love our mothers unconditionally because they are our mothers.  Yet that myth is perpetuated everywhere.  Such a pity really, because it causes so much harm. 

Thank you so much for sharing this.  I get so stuck on this point!  I will be thinking about this a lot over the next several days.

[Sitara]

have a pre-conceived notion of what the holidays should look like and nothing I will say will change that.

This, oh my gosh this.  My mom had this idea of how she imagined how holidays should be, and if things matched, the holiday wasn't all that bad.  But if things didn't go how she pictured it in her head, she would take it out on everyone.

It is an absolute myth, that our mothers will love us unconditionally because we are their children, and that we will love our mothers unconditionally because they are our mothers.  Yet that myth is perpetuated everywhere.  Such a pity really, because it causes so much harm.

This is one of the reasons it's so hard to break out of the FOG!  I've found that people who have said this to me are completely incapable of understanding because they don't come from a background of abuse.  I had to get to a point where I could tell myself, yes, she is my mother, but I deserve to be treated with respect no matter who it is.

but if there was anything else going on that she wanted to do or found more interesting, I was dropped.

I was just a convenience.  I can't even tell you how many times I've asked her to be involved in my life and she would literally tell me it was too inconvenient.  The only reason she said goodbye to me before moving cross country was because I was a convenient stop on the way to the dr!  I find the strength by reminding myself that I deserve respect, and by also improving the aspects of myself that I am not happy with.  The more I work on myself and remove my inappropriate behavior, I'm finding I'm much happier and more fulfilled with the other relationships in my life, and that makes it easier for me to stand my ground to keep from going back to my old life.  However, as the holidays approach (she's currently not talking to me) I'm sure she'll call and I'll get more opportunities to road test my new boundaries, and I don't try to pretend it's going to be easy.  She really knows how to push my buttons. 

Stay strong and believe in yourself!

[Breathing new air]

Thanks to all for the reply. Bonus mom, your words were balm to my soul at this time. I will try to be kinder to myself at this time. It is really hard sometimes. We can be our biggest inner critic and I was well trained. I read my post and I too can see my hurt. I don't think we understand the hurt we have sometimes until it is down on paper. I am in the process of reading Toxic Parents. I am hoping it helps to give me strategies to deal with what is going on.  This is a new experience for me.  The Grief and lost is something that is overwhelming at times.

What I can suggest, is that you try being kinder to yourself.  It is an absolute myth, that our mothers will love us unconditionally because we are their children, and that we will love our mothers unconditionally because they are our mothers.  Yet that myth is perpetuated everywhere.  Such a pity really, because it causes so much harm.

Second, I would like to gently remind you, that no one can come into your life without your permission.   You don't have to let anyone in if you don't want to.  That doesn't necessarily mean that it is easy to keep hurtful and harmful people out, but it does mean that you get the power to decide who will be allowed into your life.

Such good words to be reminded of. It is hard to detach from someone with PD and FOO with all the family dynamics, as you said Dontpanic.  I am doing better. Sometimes what one needs is the virtual hug from people who know what it is like.  Over this season, I can already see how much harder it is going to be.  For some reason people think that even if you want nothing to do with a family, during this holiday it is a requirement. One has to look like the perfect family.  I am taking some deep breaths. I think I will try to plan something for myself soon.  I think I need some pampering. Who knows. Maybe I will take a mental health day tomorrow. I know that when I am struggling with mom more I struggle more with things triggering me at my job as a Behavioral health nurse. My Provider has a huge BP population. This is how I came to understand my mom had BP. So thanks for the support. Maybe by next year I will be able to say no contact or limited contact during christmas. Right now, I am in the first stages of coming to terms with having a mom who is not capable of loving me the way I deserve.  :'(  At least I know that those relationships exist. I am happy to say I have that with my daughter. I also have a few older ladies that care the way my mom should.   I am lucky. I just have to remind myself sometimes. Thanks Ladies for caring. Only someone who has been there can understand.