Why do they make it so dang hard with every decision we make even right is wrong

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here I find myself again waffling between the Undecided and Leaving boards.   I think maybe I am just worn out and unable to handle my uBPDw of 25 years anymore.  Hopefully that means that last year and a half of therapy is starting to take hold and I do not feel like total crap anymore.  Advance apology for the length.

It seems like we all have similar stories of fear and angst when it comes to dealing with our SO and anticipating their reaction when we deliver news we think they may not like.   As proof that no matter how long we are with them, we can never predict the outcome I submit the following story of my weekend.

About Wednesday of last week a business acquaintance is kind enough to drop a couple of tickets for this past Sunday's local NFL game on my desk.  Seemed like a great opportunity to invite a guy I have been loosely friends with over the past couple years and with whom I get together about every 3 or 4 months.  Of course as is typical with us Nons, the next thought is "Oh cr#p, how is the uBPDw going to react when she hears that I invited someone besides her."  As chance would have it, I had the opportunity to break it to her when we around several other people, which seems to have mitigated most of her normal reaction. 

Saturday comes and we have a relatively normal day and evening, do a some things together, go to dinner, attend a play - life is not too bad.  Nevermind, nons should know better than to think that.  As we are driving home from play, I am hit with the realization that I have committed to go away to weekend event in 3 weeks with her on the same weekend that I also committed to take our oldest son away for a hunting trip.  I was scatterbrained and had the hunting season date as a week earlier than it really was.   Mistake number 1 - on way home from the play I double checked with her on the date of our weekend and told her that I had messed up and double booked.  She was visibly upset, understandably and I just said don't worry about it for now we will sort it out the next day.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.  I get up early to take a child to work about 1/2 hour before she has to leave for some other events she has scheduled for herself.  I text her a  cheerful "Good Morning" and wish her a good day.  She is gone by time I get home and I proceed to leave for game before she gets back.  This is the point at which I am still deluding myself that I will be able to have a peaceful, fun day.

Halftime comes, and buddy and I are out the in mezzanine talking and stretching legs and he mentions, hey I don't seem to be able to get any reception on phone in here - oh yeah I guess cell tower is not designed to handle 50,000 person crowd all at once.  Didn't think anything of it until after end of game when I get 4 text messages coming through that were sent starting an hour from when I left house that morning. 

Msg1 - I might be hurt. 

(90 min later) Msg2 I am hurt I think

Msg3 Are you even getting these?

Msg4 I am driving myself to the ER  -

Game ends, texts come through - at this point it is 4 hours from time of 1st msg.

I reply via text - Sorry network was over loaded, What's wrong?

Floodgates open - too much to type here but essentially it was a stream of how she is sorry to have bothered me, I do not care about her, I am being a "man", she is getting friend to take her to ER because they care more about her than I do, I didn't want to marry her, I don't like her... .

Sigh.  I just left it no point in feeding the dysregulation.  I just texted her that I would be home if she needed me take her to ER or pick her up otherwise would be working around house.  Things eventually settle down (as much as they can in that situation).  In the meantime I have talked to hunting buddy and he seems okay with my son coming by himself for the weekend.  I avoid pouring fuel on fire on Sunday night by not even bringing up the conversation, but I need to call him back to confirm shortly so I know I have to discuss it on Monday.

Monday night comes I proceed to bring up the topic after dinner and apologize to her for my scatter brained ways and own up that it is completely my fault.  I then tell her that although I really want to go hunting this year (son will be moving out soon hopefully and not sure how many chances I will get) that because I committed to her, I will follow forgo the trip with my son and go with  her.  I am thinking "Hey this is a win, making the best of a difficult situation - son gets to make hunting trip, I go with uBPDw and she sees that I chose her."   WRONG!

Apparently the correct answer was that I wanted to go on the trip to share in the joy of her achievement (details withheld to maintain some discretion) as opposed I was going on the trip because I had committed to her that I was going... .do not pass go, proceed to immediate high dysregulation and stomp off to bed.  I gave it a few minutes, proceeded to go up and try to hold her and explain that I was trying to show her how important she was to me ( sigh JADE).  After about 20 minutes I told her that I was going to go watch the end of Monday night football.  I did want to watch the game but really I just needed to have some time by myself to unwind from the madness.  Finally ended up going to bed about 2 hours after the game when I could get my mind to rest.

This morning I proceed to try to be kind to her kissing her good morning, etc.  She is clearly disappointed that I got up and was heading to work as she apparently wanted to continue the cycle from Sunday night.  I was not going to fall into that, not going to lose my job over this.  I head out and again text her a good morning as I hit the first light. Well that was all she needed to start the text bombing.  I did not respond.  I got into work and she called.  I answered politely and just explained that I am at work now and I need to actually work  - wow I think I just set a boundary. 

This poured the gas on the fire to more texts, calls, emails and the inevitable declaration that we are done.   Oddly, while I am greatly upset by the loss of my marriage, somewhere inside I find a small seed that keeps telling me that this is the right direction and brings a small sense of peace.

[ugghh]

Here I find myself again waffling between the Undecided and Leaving boards.   I think maybe I am just worn out and unable to handle my uBPDw of 25 years anymore.  Hopefully that means that last year and a half of therapy is starting to take hold and I do not feel like total crap anymore.  Advance apology for the length.

It seems like we all have similar stories of fear and angst when it comes to dealing with our SO and anticipating their reaction when we deliver news we think they may not like.   As proof that no matter how long we are with them, we can never predict the outcome I submit the following story of my weekend.

About Wednesday of last week a business acquaintance is kind enough to drop a couple of tickets for this past Sunday's local NFL game on my desk.  Seemed like a great opportunity to invite a guy I have been loosely friends with over the past couple years and with whom I get together about every 3 or 4 months.  Of course as is typical with us Nons, the next thought is "Oh cr#p, how is the uBPDw going to react when she hears that I invited someone besides her."  As chance would have it, I had the opportunity to break it to her when we around several other people, which seems to have mitigated most of her normal reaction. 

Saturday comes and we have a relatively normal day and evening, do a some things together, go to dinner, attend a play - life is not too bad.  Nevermind, nons should know better than to think that.  As we are driving home from play, I am hit with the realization that I have committed to go away to weekend event in 3 weeks with her on the same weekend that I also committed to take our oldest son away for a hunting trip.  I was scatterbrained and had the hunting season date as a week earlier than it really was.   Mistake number 1 - on way home from the play I double checked with her on the date of our weekend and told her that I had messed up and double booked.  She was visibly upset, understandably and I just said don't worry about it for now we will sort it out the next day.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.  I get up early to take a child to work about 1/2 hour before she has to leave for some other events she has scheduled for herself.  I text her a  cheerful "Good Morning" and wish her a good day.  She is gone by time I get home and I proceed to leave for game before she gets back.  This is the point at which I am still deluding myself that I will be able to have a peaceful, fun day.

Halftime comes, and buddy and I are out the in mezzanine talking and stretching legs and he mentions, hey I don't seem to be able to get any reception on phone in here - oh yeah I guess cell tower is not designed to handle 50,000 person crowd all at once.  Didn't think anything of it until after end of game when I get 4 text messages coming through that were sent starting an hour from when I left house that morning. 

Msg1 - I might be hurt. 

(90 min later) Msg2 I am hurt I think

Msg3 Are you even getting these?

Msg4 I am driving myself to the ER  -

Game ends, texts come through - at this point it is 4 hours from time of 1st msg.

I reply via text - Sorry network was over loaded, What's wrong?

Floodgates open - too much to type here but essentially it was a stream of how she is sorry to have bothered me, I do not care about her, I am being a "man", she is getting friend to take her to ER because they care more about her than I do, I didn't want to marry her, I don't like her... .

Sigh.  I just left it no point in feeding the dysregulation.  I just texted her that I would be home if she needed me take her to ER or pick her up otherwise would be working around house.  Things eventually settle down (as much as they can in that situation).  In the meantime I have talked to hunting buddy and he seems okay with my son coming by himself for the weekend.  I avoid pouring fuel on fire on Sunday night by not even bringing up the conversation, but I need to call him back to confirm shortly so I know I have to discuss it on Monday.

Monday night comes I proceed to bring up the topic after dinner and apologize to her for my scatter brained ways and own up that it is completely my fault.  I then tell her that although I really want to go hunting this year (son will be moving out soon hopefully and not sure how many chances I will get) that because I committed to her, I will follow forgo the trip with my son and go with  her.  I am thinking "Hey this is a win, making the best of a difficult situation - son gets to make hunting trip, I go with uBPDw and she sees that I chose her."   WRONG!

Apparently the correct answer was that I wanted to go on the trip to share in the joy of her achievement (details withheld to maintain some discretion) as opposed I was going on the trip because I had committed to her that I was going... .do not pass go, proceed to immediate high dysregulation and stomp off to bed.  I gave it a few minutes, proceeded to go up and try to hold her and explain that I was trying to show her how important she was to me ( sigh JADE).  After about 20 minutes I told her that I was going to go watch the end of Monday night football.  I did want to watch the game but really I just needed to have some time by myself to unwind from the madness.  Finally ended up going to bed about 2 hours after the game when I could get my mind to rest.

This morning I proceed to try to be kind to her kissing her good morning, etc.  She is clearly disappointed that I got up and was heading to work as she apparently wanted to continue the cycle from Sunday night.  I was not going to fall into that, not going to lose my job over this.  I head out and again text her a good morning as I hit the first light. Well that was all she needed to start the text bombing.  I did not respond.  I got into work and she called.  I answered politely and just explained that I am at work now and I need to actually work  - wow I think I just set a boundary. 

This poured the gas on the fire to more texts, calls, emails and the inevitable declaration that we are done.   Oddly, while I am greatly upset by the loss of my marriage, somewhere inside I find a small seed that keeps telling me that this is the right direction and brings a small sense of peace.

[Surnia]

Hi Ugghh

yes, you are starting to make some boundaries. 

Its so damn hard when every little toward something important for you is going to get a major blow out. Having a nice evening with a friend, going to work (!).

Keep going with it, stay consistent with your boundaries and try to not JADE.

[itgirl]

Sorry to hear about your situation.   I think you handle things very well.  better than I would have.   

Apologies to hijack the post what does it mean when you say do not JADE?  (English not my 1st language)

[Surnia]

Valid question, itgirl.

JADE = justify, argue, defend, explain

More explanation you can find here: How to stop circular arguments

[maxsterling]

I can't say much other than I can completely relate to where you are coming from.

[PuzzledMate]

I can't say much other than I can completely relate to where you are coming from.

This x1000.

You are going through so much and handling it quite well.  In a 'normal' relationship, people need space to be an individual.  Having her up your behind the whole time takes away so much from the experience which is by design on her part.  if she is miserable, then you must be miserable and she will make sure of it. 

My wife does this constantly.  Drumming up emergencies and 'tests' of how much you care about her.  My wife uses the words 'panic attack' when she wants attention.  That is the catch phrase she loves.  IT is perfect for her because it can be calmed down and doesn't require her to get medical attention.  Plus, panic attacks are portable, she can have them anywhere and adjust the intensity depending on her surroundings.  If we are alone, they are so debilitating that she throws herself on the floor and cries.  In public, she just wants to leave and go to the car where she can yell at me for not caring about her panic attack or causing it in some way.

By you going away to have fun means she doesn't mean anything until you show her how much you are willing to give up for her.  BUT, it has to be on her time and her discretion.  Until then, any behavior you demonstrate is invalidating to her.

Your situation is the textbook version of walking on eggshells.  It won't stop because she ultimately gets what she wants from you (attention, kissing up, etc.)

There is no easy solution without causing a blow up.  But, isn't that all part of being with someone with mental illness?  (sarcasm).  Reading your story is like looking into a mirror.

Thank you for posting this.  Hang in there.

[ugghh]

Thanks for the words of encouragement and for all who had the fortitude to read my epic length post.

Well why should this holiday (Thanksgiving) be any different than any other one that has been blown up for the last 20 years.  At least I am sitting peacefully at work by myself.   Among friends on this board.   

However, I am really thinking it is time to go back to the leaving board.  I just really am tired of working this hard for so little.