Father, brother and ex husband...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been on this board for a year since I left uBPDh. Our kids are 10 and 12.

I have come back to the UK for Xmas with the kids and staying with my dad who is nearly 80. He has lived alone since Mum died 30 years ago. My brother lives nearby.

I seem to be reaching the conclusion that I picked my partner as he had the same uBPD traits as my Dad, and that my brother who is so stressed and uptight all the time is also a product of a BPD father.

My kids only see thier grandfather twice a year, but I think are now old enough to truly dislike him. He makes a show of being proud to be a gradfather, but in reality seems to loathe and distrust everything they do. He knows I am uncomfortable with how he treats them, but on the times I have been reduced to tears and asked him to please not be unpleasant around them he says... "any more complaints?". he would never admit he is unkind, if anything it is their fault for being badly brought up.

Since they were born he would ignore them for hours then put them on his lap and say "do you love grandad?". In the morning he will always say, Hey you havent even said good morning, or "good morning Granddad hiw are you?" before they have a chance to open their mouth. My daughter has an eating disorder, well a lifetime of refusing most food, from psychological problems and physical problems when she was a baby, which every single visit will be a bone of contention and he will shout at her and walk out of the room if she as much as raises her eyebrow to suggest she will not eat what he cooked. On Christmas day in a restaurant he snatched the dessert menu away from her, as she hadnt eaten her first course and HE had paid. She has started to say that she hates him, yet as with her own dad, when he commands her to kiss or hug him she makes a good actress. i cant do that.

Tonight I suggested we go out for a Chinese, S10 had a sleepover with his cousin last night and was exhausted and didnt speak. So my Dad looked at me and spoke about how the children were so ungrateful they were being taken out for a treat and they seemed so floppy we might as well take out the next course to eat at home... .and of course he hoped I wouldnt let them watch the TV when they got back, and of course I wouldnt mind if he ate the rest of the meal in the kitchen as he hadnt been allowed to enjoy the evening in the restaurant... .hadhardly eaten and was still hungry. I quickly offered to pay even though I am penniless as I didnt want to hear how he had treated my ungratfeul children to a slapup meal which they didnt deserve.

What is his problem, passive aggressive obviously, low self esteem, projectiion, emotional immaturity, unable to put childrens needs before his own, expecting to be entertained by them, unresolved anger... .Is it also typical of BPD parent behaviour. I am behaving like a child now, I went to my room I am so exhausted with it and hurt by his obvious cruelty, he called me to come downstairs but I need to save myself I dont want to discuss it because he wont see hiw hurtful his behaviour was. Am I being oversensitive or overprotective to my children. They have already suffered enough in the last year but he makes no allowance for that.

Pointing out the similairties with my brother and ex husband is another story... .for the next post!

Can anyone tell me if I am right to think his behaviour towards me and his children isnt normal and how I can deal with it?

[Cmjo]

I have been on this board for a year since I left uBPDh. Our kids are 10 and 12.

I have come back to the UK for Xmas with the kids and staying with my dad who is nearly 80. He has lived alone since Mum died 30 years ago. My brother lives nearby.

I seem to be reaching the conclusion that I picked my partner as he had the same uBPD traits as my Dad, and that my brother who is so stressed and uptight all the time is also a product of a BPD father.

My kids only see thier grandfather twice a year, but I think are now old enough to truly dislike him. He makes a show of being proud to be a gradfather, but in reality seems to loathe and distrust everything they do. He knows I am uncomfortable with how he treats them, but on the times I have been reduced to tears and asked him to please not be unpleasant around them he says... "any more complaints?". he would never admit he is unkind, if anything it is their fault for being badly brought up.

Since they were born he would ignore them for hours then put them on his lap and say "do you love grandad?". In the morning he will always say, Hey you havent even said good morning, or "good morning Granddad hiw are you?" before they have a chance to open their mouth. My daughter has an eating disorder, well a lifetime of refusing most food, from psychological problems and physical problems when she was a baby, which every single visit will be a bone of contention and he will shout at her and walk out of the room if she as much as raises her eyebrow to suggest she will not eat what he cooked. On Christmas day in a restaurant he snatched the dessert menu away from her, as she hadnt eaten her first course and HE had paid. She has started to say that she hates him, yet as with her own dad, when he commands her to kiss or hug him she makes a good actress. i cant do that.

Tonight I suggested we go out for a Chinese, S10 had a sleepover with his cousin last night and was exhausted and didnt speak. So my Dad looked at me and spoke about how the children were so ungrateful they were being taken out for a treat and they seemed so floppy we might as well take out the next course to eat at home... .and of course he hoped I wouldnt let them watch the TV when they got back, and of course I wouldnt mind if he ate the rest of the meal in the kitchen as he hadnt been allowed to enjoy the evening in the restaurant... .hadhardly eaten and was still hungry. I quickly offered to pay even though I am penniless as I didnt want to hear how he had treated my ungratfeul children to a slapup meal which they didnt deserve.

What is his problem, passive aggressive obviously, low self esteem, projectiion, emotional immaturity, unable to put childrens needs before his own, expecting to be entertained by them, unresolved anger... .Is it also typical of BPD parent behaviour. I am behaving like a child now, I went to my room I am so exhausted with it and hurt by his obvious cruelty, he called me to come downstairs but I need to save myself I dont want to discuss it because he wont see hiw hurtful his behaviour was. Am I being oversensitive or overprotective to my children. They have already suffered enough in the last year but he makes no allowance for that.

Pointing out the similairties with my brother and ex husband is another story... .for the next post!

Can anyone tell me if I am right to think his behaviour towards me and his children isnt normal and how I can deal with it?

[Cmjo]

I think it would help if I gave some more specific examples... .

Lack of empathy (but only to those ie 99% of the rest of the population that are irrelevant to his life)

Judgemental

Sarcastic

Huffing and puffing if gets interrupted in mid speech or a question isnt answered

Condescending and rude about anyone ie 99% of the population that may not be of the right race, class or creed, or level of education or as cultivated as him, this includes one of his own sisters, my ex husband... .

Zero recognition of childrens feeelings, needs to be parented but cannot parent

Controlling... .if I suggest I want to make cupcakes for the children he shouts no! Doesnt want a mess in his house, or doesnt want me to give them attention and not him?

[Cmjo]

Buys bizzare presents, I often find they are recycled gifts, gives generousky to those who are flavour of the month and meaningless gifts to those who arent.

Obsession with fancy and expensive treats, evrything is slap up, luxurious etc... .But objects if I put something in his supermarket trolley that he might end up paying for!

Obsession with every object in his home, must always be in place, hates to lend things, furious if others break objects or get the carpet dirty, or borrow books and dont return them.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, there, Cmjo.   Welcome to the Healing board!

It can be a stunning realization to discover that we have selected a particular romantic partner because of his similarities to our parents. This is true of most people--we all gravitate toward roles that feel familiar. When we have learned in our family of origin that we are not to have boundaries, or that a parent's needs and feelings must always come first, we will often find ourselves with partners who have similar expectations for us. I think coming to terms with your upbringing is a positive step in your healing journey. 

I am sorry to hear that your children are unhappy. It sounds like you care about them a great deal, so it must be difficult to see them hurting. It sounds like you are hurting, too. Whatever may be behind your father's behavior, the only thing you can truly control is how you respond to it. What do you do when your father criticizes you or your children or treats you harshly? Have you ever communicated a boundary to him about this kind of behavior?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[PrettyPlease]

Can anyone tell me if I am right to think his behaviour towards me and his children isnt normal and how I can deal with it?

If what you described happened once or twice, and there were extenuating circumstances, maybe it could be explained as the outer edge of normal. If it's happening regularly, it's not normal, and IMO it's strong evidence of a PD.

I agree with the other posters about what to do: working on your own responses and boundaries (maybe try using SET and avoiding JADE); going VLC; and finding other grandfather (or father) aged role models for the children.

PP