I'm ready to detach.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I can't keep doing this to myself. We met out on saturday night, and it boiled down to nothing. I've messaged her saying that i'm not a back up option and we need to leave each other alone. I've blocked her number now.

I want to put this all behind me and finally move on.

Thanks for all of your advice. I needed to make my own mistakes, which i have done.

For anyone who is going through the pain and can't see the light, it will come. Let it ride out & don't panic because you feel the way you feel, it will get beter.

There is one rule that must not be broken... .STAY NO CONTACT.

Do not break it.

[Eric1]

I can't keep doing this to myself. We met out on saturday night, and it boiled down to nothing. I've messaged her saying that i'm not a back up option and we need to leave each other alone. I've blocked her number now.

I want to put this all behind me and finally move on.

Thanks for all of your advice. I needed to make my own mistakes, which i have done.

For anyone who is going through the pain and can't see the light, it will come. Let it ride out & don't panic because you feel the way you feel, it will get beter.

There is one rule that must not be broken... .STAY NO CONTACT.

Do not break it.

[Waifed]

Congrats. You had to let it run its course and now you are ready to heal. It is not an easy task and there are a whole lot of one day at a times ahead of you, but it will be worth it in the long run.  Good luck and stay strong.

[Eric1]

I think it's best that i stop trawlling this board, too. The only reason i'm here is because of her, and i don't want to think and anaylize anymore.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone on here. You've all been spot on.

[KE151]

Good luck and godspeed! Look after yourself.

[Aussie0zborn]

I am very pleased to hear this, Eric. It sounds like you have got it worked out without too much damage. Good luck to you.

[Eric1]

This detaching malarky is harder than I thought. I keep blocking & unblocking her number. Why?

She said something to me that hit really hard. She said I make her angry & the person she replaced me with doesn't. I thoght it was all a bit wierd because she kept ringing me when she was with my replacement. Anyways, she's gone back to him 

Don't think im ready to leave the board just yet... .

[damage control]

Getting to where you are almost ready to block her number is huge - don't dismiss it.

I still haven't deleted texts/emails etc ... I just can't ... they are the only thing that prove I didn't imagine the last year.

[KE151]

Getting to where you are almost ready to block her number is huge - don't dismiss it.

I still haven't deleted texts/emails etc ... I just can't ... they are the only thing that prove I didn't imagine the last year.

DC,

Delete them, that stuff is holding you back, nothing more. I deleted EVERYTHING, blocked FB etc but it's still been a helluva job to detach. Had I kept the messages, I know I would have gone back to read them many times over.

[Discovery]

Eric1,

She said something to me that hit really hard. She said I make her angry & the person she replaced me with doesn't.

... .add the word "yet."

It will come.

People who haven't changed bring themselves and all their issues w/ them into the next r/s.

And SHE is responsible for her feelings, not you. You don't "make" her angry. Her anger is HER reaction.

Mine said I made him suffer. NO, I didn't. He chose to build up resentments, not express them, and those choices he made created his suffering. I was willing to listen to him, dialogue and open to hear and respond to his needs. HE chose NOT to communicate honestly, and to "suffer" and then duck his own accountability and blame me instead.

Stay strong, and know you are not losing anything. You are going to be regaining your well-being. It's hard to take in, because we love them, but this person is not loving to you, and you deserve much more.

[Eric1]

Eric1,

She said something to me that hit really hard. She said I make her angry & the person she replaced me with doesn't.

... .add the word "yet."

It will come.

People who haven't changed bring themselves and all their issues w/ them into the next r/s.

And SHE is responsible for her feelings, not you. You don't "make" her angry. Her anger is HER reaction.

Mine said I made him suffer. NO, I didn't. He chose to build up resentments, not express them, and those choices he made created his suffering. I was willing to listen to him, dialogue and open to hear and respond to his needs. HE chose NOT to communicate honestly, and to "suffer" and then duck his own accountability and blame me instead.

Stay strong, and know you are not losing anything. You are going to be regaining your well-being. It's hard to take in, because we love them, but this person is not loving to you, and you deserve much more.

Thank you. I needed to hear that. It seems she's changed the goal posts in what she expects from a relationship. She used to say i was boring, now it's i'm having too much fun & i would be a bad infleunce on her.

Something she said which struck a cord was "I need someone who will tell me no, i can get away doing whatever i want with you"

Thing is, whenever i used to say No to her, She would rage and we'd fall out, or she would threaten to break up with me. I really couldn't win.

[winston72]

The goal posts, indeed, are constantly moving and she moves them without prior notice, without clarity on where they are now and no recognition on her part that they moved and how it might affect you. 

In my relationship, when the goal posts would shift, I would set my mind and heart to vigorously hit those goals.  I would be thrilled at early progress, disheartened when that ultimately was not satisfying to her and then would experience a build-up of anxiety and sense of inadequacy.  I would not realize the origin of the anxiety.  When the other party in a relationship shifts suddenly, without notice and often with subtlety until something blows up... .well, it is very disorienting... .and disturbing.  It has taken me a very, very long time to understand this pattern in my relationship.

No contact for me has been a process.  I know the best case would be to flip that switch and pursue it completely and fully, but I just could not do it.  For me, I felt like I would be repressing things more than moving on.  I went in and out of contact.  It was really painful.  It was not just the hope/disappointment cycle, it was the pain of realizing and embracing reality.  Within me, the full no contact left me with more of the fantasy, idealized relationship memories.  Or, maybe another way to say it was that I would continually believe that the new goal post location was the final one and that I could soon hit that goal.  Ouch.  Never happened.  I had to bludgeon myself with pain to get the message.  And, now that I read your messages, it is clear to see that the benefit of no contact is that you are not challenged with the complications of the goal post relocations.  They cause you (and me) to replay the prior phases of the relationship and strategize about the next phase.  That mental and emotional exercise is very demanding, very demeaning as it assumes that you should be just a little bit different as a partner, and a complete waste of life as it won't work!  It just wears you out. 

It does seem like ceasing any contact with this girl is the best thing for you.  Please be kind to yourself if it is a process.  It is not easy.  Perhaps better stated, please accept the reality of who she is... .and who you are.  By that I mean do not insist on new realities for yourself (No contact!  Now and forever!  Immediately!) that are not fully formed within you.  Growth comes from exploring yourself and accepting yourself... .and along the way and in light of your personal discoveries, to define some new goals for yourself (your goal posts) and then begin to discipline yourself to get there. 

And, by the way, after writing this post and thinking and reflecting... .if we were having a beer together, I would probably tell you that this girl sounds like trouble... .guaranteed heartache, that it is an outrage for her to compare and contrast you to another guy already... .and to blow out!  Trouble... .and trust me, dude, you would have told me the same about mine and I had/have trouble with the "no contact malarkey."

[bruisedbattered]

Fyi,  I dont advise deleting any past messages from your ex.  They can be used as evidence if need ever arises, and God forbid the law is involved(which is very possible with BPD involvement. )   save them, store them, ignore them.   Ive kept all my exes crazy txt messages as proof of who the "real" crazy one was/is...    hang in there!  NC 4 weeks 

[damage control]

Goalpost shifting ... .oh yes ... that was always fun.

Mixed messages and goalpost shifting kept me unstable and unsure for a year ... when I thought it was just 'me and him' or 'us' having problems, I actually used those words to him ... he seemed shocked that I recognised what was happening ... little did I know that it's part of the toolkit designed to keep the other person wondering - and questioning what the hell was/is going on.

Telling me one week that 'our' problem was that we were too far apart only to say that I was too 'real' when I relocated 3 weeks later ... you cannot hit those goals ... ever.

M ex used these to perfection ... he is still using them now ... I don't think it's all conscious (although some of it is) ... his need to always feel in control about what is happening combined with his own shifting emotions keeps this tango going long after the music dies ...

[Eric1]

I sent her a final message yesterday, pretty much saying that I feel like I'm her back up option & she can come and go as he pleases. That I'm done with the drama. I wanted to work through our problems more than anything, but it hasn't made a difference. So for our sanity and future relationships, we need to leave each other alone.

She replied tonight, she did try to call but I didn't pick up.

It said... .Hey! I called to say sorry I haven't replied. I just don't know what to say that's all  hope you're ok xxx

It's a whirlwind. She is also a pathological liar. I don't know what to believe that comes from her mouth. The bloke who she replaced me with supposidly hated that she carried on talking to me, did she stop? Did she hell.

[Rose Tiger]

It is crazy making to have someone want and love you one minute and then the next, they've changed their mind.  It's like they want a hamburger, they eat one, they don't want it anymore.  And we are the hamburger!

Stay strong!   

[Eric1]

It is crazy making to have someone want and love you one minute and then the next, they've changed their mind.  It's like they want a hamburger, they eat one, they don't want it anymore.  And we are the hamburger!

Stay strong!   

That's pretty much it! She loved me bla bla, realised there was still issues we needed to sort out, so left again.

None of us a perfect. I have my flaws as does everyone else. I'd want a partner who wanted to deal with the problems to make the relationship stronger. Not just run away

[Mutt]

She said something to me that hit really hard. She said I make her angry & the person she replaced me with doesn't.

Your replacement eventually will be viewed as the angry person/the person that makes her angry.

Remember how these relationships evolve? The seducer, clinger and hater? I remember all of them and when I was put up on a pedestal I could do no wrong, I was white. I didn't make my ex angry, but by the end when the hater came out, it was all projected on me. I was triggering her when I was defending myself. She would simply snap or rage sometimes by the way that I talked or walked. It's nothing that I did. I tried extending the olive branch and reasoning with her, to no avail.

It's distortion.

[Eric1]

I don't know why this reply 'Hey! I called to say sorry I haven't replied. I just don't know what to say that's all hope you're ok xxx' has got my so angry... .

... .oh thats right, it's because you're a liar and you've ran off with the replacement... .again!

I've been writing so many different responses, but i don't think it would be wise to say anything whilst i'm this p*ssed off.

No reply would speak volumes i think.

[Rose Tiger]

But Eric, no reply would drive her batty 

[Learning_curve74]

I sent her a final message yesterday, pretty much saying that I feel like I'm her back up option & she can come and go as he pleases. That I'm done with the drama. I wanted to work through our problems more than anything, but it hasn't made a difference. So for our sanity and future relationships, we need to leave each other alone.

Eric1, you wrote this, so are you ready to live up to your words? If you continue to engage with her, aren't you just teaching her that your words aren't backed up by your actions and that she can simply continue doing what she's been doing to get the same response from you?

I totally understand it's hard to let go. Your feelings might be saying both yes and no to her. Your actions should reflect your inner values and goals, otherwise you can end up doing things that are unhealthy for yourself. And if you don't take care of yourself, who else is going to?

[Ironmanrises]

Eric1,

She said something to me that hit really hard. She said I make her angry & the person she replaced me with doesn't.

... .add the word "yet."

It will come.

People who haven't changed bring themselves and all their issues w/ them into the next r/s.

And SHE is responsible for her feelings, not you. You don't "make" her angry. Her anger is HER reaction.

Mine said I made him suffer. NO, I didn't. He chose to build up resentments, not express them, and those choices he made created his suffering. I was willing to listen to him, dialogue and open to hear and respond to his needs. HE chose NOT to communicate honestly, and to "suffer" and then duck his own accountability and blame me instead.

Stay strong, and know you are not losing anything. You are going to be regaining your well-being. It's hard to take in, because we love them, but this person is not loving to you, and you deserve much more.

Something she said which struck a cord was "I need someone who will tell me no, i can get away doing whatever i want with you"

My exUBPDgf told me something far too similar in both rounds of relationship, "

I need you to reign in me when i get out of control. You need to tell me no otherwise i will take advantage of you." I honestly had no idea the first time she told me this about BPD but knew it was not right. I shouldnt have to "reign you in", that is not my job. When she told me that again in round 2, it confirmed for me that something is really f¥cking wrong here and i did nothing to remove myself from the situation. I am getting chest pains just writing that. Hang in there Eric.

[damage control]

Mine said something of a similar ilk, although not about him or me:

He had been talking to a young woman online who was going through a messy relationship - she said to him that the men in her life walked her over her ... he responded that this was because she 'allowed' herself to be walked on (he was laughing while he recounted this to me).

I am of the belief that although we are responsible for our own boundaries, when faced with someone who lacks them, I don't see that as an opportunity to transgress or take advantage and, those that do, reveal themselves in doing so.

Yes, I should have better boundaries myself ... .but, my inability to recognise when someone is breaching them shouldn't, to any empathetic person, mean they I am an easy target for their abuse.

[Eric1]

Just because a partner doesn't say "don't cheat on me" ":)on't get angry with me" ":)on't do this or that" shouldn't mean that they are acceptable.

I'm angry. I'm angry that i've been made a fool of, she's mugged me off & completely taken the p*ss. She said "You will always love me" No, No No. I want to punch her in the face.

I just want to reply There's nothing left to say. I'm done with the bull___ & lies. You've ran back to whoever, so you've made your choice. I don't want you in my life.

[redkong]

Eric1 - I agree with what some others have already said - you referred to your last text as "final" and that for our sanity and future relationships that you should leave each other alone.  If you meant that, then don't reply.  I know it's hard to get a text like she sent you, it makes you want to reply and defend yourself or have the last word or whatnot.  I've been in that same place, and it's a struggle.  I suggest that if you're really ready to be done, that you leave it be - don't reply. 

If there are parts of you that want to reply, look inward and use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself - what is going on inside you that draws you back in toward someone who has obviously not treated you with respect.  I don't mean that as a criticism - virtually all of us on here, myself included, have had to wrestle with similar introspection.  We have all, to one extent or another, been drawn to people who don't treat us well, and we've all had some trouble walking away or we probably wouldn't be on this site.  The answers as to why are complex, different factors about our own backgrounds, experiences, needs, and areas for growth.

One thing that I've found to helpful when I want to reply is to write out a bunch of replies (not on my phone, just to be sure I don't accidentally hit "send".  I say all the things I want to say - the angry things, the sarcastic things, and the barbs, but also the hurt things, the ways I've been saddened or otherwise emotionally hit.  Then I delete everything once I get things out of my system.  I have only done this once or twice, not every time, but in those moments it really helped to express and expel my anger and say what I really wanted to say even though I never sent any of it.

[Eric1]

Eric1 - I agree with what some others have already said - you referred to your last text as "final" and that for our sanity and future relationships that you should leave each other alone.  If you meant that, then don't reply.  I know it's hard to get a text like she sent you, it makes you want to reply and defend yourself or have the last word or whatnot.  I've been in that same place, and it's a struggle.  I suggest that if you're really ready to be done, that you leave it be - don't reply. 

If there are parts of you that want to reply, look inward and use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself - what is going on inside you that draws you back in toward someone who has obviously not treated you with respect.  I don't mean that as a criticism - virtually all of us on here, myself included, have had to wrestle with similar introspection.  We have all, to one extent or another, been drawn to people who don't treat us well, and we've all had some trouble walking away or we probably wouldn't be on this site.  The answers as to why are complex, different factors about our own backgrounds, experiences, needs, and areas for growth.

One thing that I've found to helpful when I want to reply is to write out a bunch of replies (not on my phone, just to be sure I don't accidentally hit "send".  I say all the things I want to say - the angry things, the sarcastic things, and the barbs, but also the hurt things, the ways I've been saddened or otherwise emotionally hit.  Then I delete everything once I get things out of my system.  I have only done this once or twice, not every time, but in those moments it really helped to express and expel my anger and say what I really wanted to say even though I never sent any of it.

I agree. It's me believing her lies. She's a pathological liar & she isn't any good for me. She blows hot & cold and everything is a rollercoaster.

I can't reply. But, i'm so angry.

[redkong]

I think one thing that fuels anger for nonBPDs is our unmet expectations.  We expect (reasonably so) to be treated with respect and to experience mutual honesty, integrity, etc.  In my limited experience, pwBPD look like adults, but emotionally and interpersonally they range from infants to adolescents.  When I've been the most angry, it has helped me to reframe my expectations and think of my ex as an emotional child.  Would I like the same behaviors from a child?  No!  Would I expect them to behave in ways that align with adult emotional and intellectual development?  Well, no. 

This isn't an easy process.  Our brains see and sometimes experience an adult in these pwBPD, but underneath is still a child who does not have adult skills to deal with adult problems or relationships.  This is confusing and hard to wrap our minds around.  If possible, try to reframe your situation and think about what you would realistically expect from a child in terms of emotional regulation and behaviors.  Then, see if you can leverage your anger toward something positive - can you use it to motivate yourself toward a goal or something in the future? 

I don't really know if anything above makes sense - these are just my musings and things that have helped me during the hardest times.  I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time.

[bruisedbattered]

"Someday we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us the pain.  We will finally realize that the secret to being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own natural way. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well re ran the race.  So smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love all over again."

random quote from facebook.