I know I need to leave but it is SO HARD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been trying to leave my BPfriend again.  I use to cry at the thought of being without him, but now I'm just numb.  I'm finding I can't concentrate and I know I'm heading for depression. The holidays are hard enough, let alone going through this crap.  I need to be able to function and take care of my family and be productive at work.

I could "stay" until after the holidays, but he's in his "cold cycle" right now, and I just want to run when he's like this.  I have anxiety to begin with and his BPD personality is just adding to my anxiety. 

Would you attempt a break-up right before Christmas?

[sharlock]

I've been trying to leave my BPfriend again.  I use to cry at the thought of being without him, but now I'm just numb.  I'm finding I can't concentrate and I know I'm heading for depression. The holidays are hard enough, let alone going through this crap.  I need to be able to function and take care of my family and be productive at work.

I could "stay" until after the holidays, but he's in his "cold cycle" right now, and I just want to run when he's like this.  I have anxiety to begin with and his BPD personality is just adding to my anxiety. 

Would you attempt a break-up right before Christmas?

[123Phoebe]

Would you attempt a break-up right before Christmas?

Hi sharlock

Oh boy, can I ever relate to your feelings of anxiety and wanting to 'run' when your friend is being cold.  There's a way to deal with this without attaching to his behavior or cutting him off for being who he is  It is to immerse yourself in your life.  

What can you do to ward of the depression, things that have nothing to do with him?  What do you enjoy doing?  What brings you pleasure?

I wouldn't attempt a break-up right before Christmas, as it's not something I feel is necessary.  I know myself well enough to realize that once I got my initial angries out, I'd feel worse after the fact.  I value Christmastime as a peaceful time of year, so wouldn't want to heap negativity onto myself or anybody else.  That's just me though, I'm not suggesting that you do or feel the same way about it.

I guess I'm wondering if you're ready to leave this relationship behind, or if you're just over feeling frustrated about it all?

When in doubt, wait it out, is something I say to myself to help calm me down.  It's what I do and how I handle the waiting part, that helps to bring clarity on where to go from here... . To get deep in touch with my emotions.  Realizing that they flip flop depending on a whole lot of other factors.  My life consists of a lot more than the guy I'm seeing

Hope this helps!

[living in the past]

 hi i"m in the same boat as you, married man single women friend, and then you add in BPD, i think i am starting to come out of the fog a little ,  she left me a message at 1:30 am today,i really believe they have no idea what we go through,if you read my post you might get a better idea what i go through, about  the same as you,i am real close to be going to counciling, i always handled our friendship good, putting God first and trying to help friend with bipolar,but she has BPD too, which is a lot different, so i am guilty that i am married and i got feelings for another women,and why would i stay friends with someone who is not really capable of being consistent in the friendship, i have gone though a lot of rejection,pain ,depression,in the last year,so i ask myself what am i doing in this friendship, i don"t have the answers, maybe a therapist might,but for now i lean on my prayer by Joni Eareckson Tada,  God wants us to lay our burdens upon him and rest in his love, its his responsibilty to work out the plan and purpose in our hardships.  its been my saving grace gets my mind to change directions when i am ruminating, and gets me to sleep, doing a little better today,hope you are too thanks for writing i thought i was the only one here as a friendship. i thought it wasn"t as bad just being friends but i don"t think it matters,also always try to remember that they have a serious mental illness... .

[sharlock]

I think I'm dealing with my own frustration/anxiety with "handling" a friend with BPD versus really wanting to leave.  I'm trying to understand him and all his limitations.  He is a wonderful person and I want to stay his friend. I'm not perfect either. When he is in his pull away mode (which is never mean or nasty just very distant), I get extremely anxious.  He is my best friend, and I'm deeply emotionally attached to him.  Too much so... .

I think I need a strategy to handle these guaranteed push/pull cycles if I want to continue in this friendship.  I agree developing my own likes/outlets is a great suggestion.  I will try that!  I'm open to other suggestions as well.

Thanks!

[123Phoebe]

He is my best friend, and I'm deeply emotionally attached to him.  Too much so... .

This is really good insight, sharlock

Upon realizing that I was attaching my emotional world to the emotions of a disordered person was like, Whoa, no wonder I feel so out of sorts and frustrated   I wasn't living my life authentically, secure as my own entity; I was attaching my worth to him, while riding the waves of his internal turbulence. 

I think I need a strategy to handle these guaranteed push/pull cycles if I want to continue in this friendship.

 

Knowing (educating yourself on BPD), that they are his push/pull cycles helps a lot.  That they have nothing to do with who you are as a human being.  It's interesting though, as I found that I had some push/pull going on myself.  Wanting to push him even further away when he was distant, then quickly feeling too far away from him and trying to reel him back in.  I have abandonment issues, too.

So, what to do with all of this?

How do you handle your own anxious feelings usually?

[sharlock]

Generally when I get anxious I will challenge my fear(s).  For example, I will ask myself is this a perceived fear or real fear ? If that doesn't work then I'll try to visualize myself putting my anxieties on a bookshelf, so I can focus on my day to day responsibilities.  This way I know I haven't "forgotten" about my fear(s), but I can shelf them away until later.  Sometimes I just ride the anxiety out knowing eventually I'll feel better.  Sometimes I will immerse myself in prayer and give my anxieties to Jesus, knowing He'll take care of me. As of lately, I've been trying to develop healthy friendships that have the nuturing qualities that attracted me to my BPD friend in the first place. 

I will say a lot of these strategies haven't worked since Ive met my BPD friend.  It's like I'm on a bad ride that I can't get off! 

Past few days have been better.  I just can't imagine that I would continue to allow myself to feel this way (up & down/push & pull) much longer.  I think I'm starting to understand that I shouldn't react to his BPD behavior, and just try to appreciate his good qualities while keeping a healthy distance.  It's not easy though.  I feel like I'm making progress though.

[hurtbyboderline]

"When the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving, that's when you should go"... .Only you can decide this BUT if you don't leave now, & your sure you want to end it, why don't you make a commitment to yourself to leave & set a date? Jan. 2nd would be a good New Years resolution, maybe? If/when you do leave go No Contact (NC) & stick to it. They (borderlines) are excellent manipulators & will go to no end to keep you on the hook! I left my exBPDGF a little over 2 months ago after years of pain & misery. I'm SO glad I did!  Good luck with your decision... . zzz

[SweetCharlotte]

Just so others know, sharlock and Gregory are married but discussing some sort of intense friendship they are having with an outside person who they feel is a pwBPD. I believe that the trouble it is causing them has more to do with it being an extramarital affair or emotional affair than with the "friend's" psychological condition. People involved in these kinds of covert relationships are going to be put through painful situations. It's the nature of letting oneself be distracted from one's spouse that is the root cause. Why have you let yourselves become emotionally involved, or even obsessed, with someone other than your spouse?

Refocusing on your true Significant Other or partner is the only way to resolve this. Do you love your spouse and wish to remain committed to them or not? It would be better not to let a third party cloud the issue. Especially if that third party is a pwBPD and is himself married to someone else (as is the case with sharlock's friend).

[sharlock]

SweetCharlotte, You really didn't need to define my "friendship" with my BPD friend.  I'm sure peoples' imaginations will run wild and people will jump to all sorts of conclusions based on your post. I came here for support and not to get judged.

I've tried ending our friendship many times.  Too many to count.  A healthy person would accept my request, and move-on, right?  As our friendship has developed I too have got caught up in this push/pull cycle AND my general anxiety disorder is acting up. 

I've tried working on my marriage, and I still haven't given up. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't want to work on our marriage (never has).  He's been emotionally checked out for most of our marriage.  I just started to acknowledge his lack of emotional availability when I met my BPD friend.

Anyhow, I want to move-on, heal, do the right thing, and be happy. I don't know what that means right now!  I don't know how to do that.  Back to came my original comment, I came here for support and not to be judged.

 

So I guess I have with two difficult men in my life (currently).

:'(

[SweetCharlotte]

I would not judge a situation like this and I'm not inviting others to judge either. It is an important circumstance. That's why I mention it.

Look at Canto V of Dante's Inferno. This is the Second Circle, where people who have strayed from their spouse by giving in to a passion are found. Dante feels more sympathy for these souls than for any others in the whole Divine Comedy. They are doomed to be buffeted around by the winds. Literally at the mercy of their surroundings, they ironically will be in their lovers' embrace for eternity but it only torments them because they will lack the stability to enjoy their love.

Dante places his imaginings in the afterlife but they hold true in some way in the here-and-now. Do you want to remain at the mercy of the elements or seek stability? If both men are causing you pain, perhaps you need to leave both the marriage and this friendship behind. The unsatisfactory marriage places you at risk for emotional entanglements with someone who may hurt you.

[123Phoebe]

  So I guess I have with two difficult men in my life (currently).

:'(

Two difficult men and a confused and conflicted sharlock

Sharlock, has it been a normal occurrence to push your feelings aside, for what would seem the good of others?  To the point of losing yourself and what really matters to you?

In my (ex)marriage, my mother was the other man   I had no idea there was this triangle going on until I met the pwBPD I'm still with today (that's a whole 'nother story... .).  There were other factors going on too, with my exH's family.  Just a whole lot of drama where I'd set my feelings aside, settle into the land of denial, try to go with the flow until I'd BLOW!  Then it would be me with all the issues   I had them alright!  Just had no idea where to go with them, everything seemed so impossible and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone's feelings.

It finally came down to taking my own sanity seriously.  Taking myself seriously.  Holding myself accountable for the decisions and direction I was allowing my life to take and make and blah blah blah... .Good, bad, indifferent or ugly, I had to become present in my own life.  Where do I fit into this picture?  What do I want?

Do you want your marriage to work?  It's okay if you don't.  It's okay if you do!  The important thing is to know what you want and to take the steps to make it happen, on your end only.  This is important, as we have zero control over what another person chooses to do.  We can't make somebody else be who we'd like them to be.

My exH is somebody I don't want to be married to/didn't want to be married to.  I couldn't change him no matter how hard I tried and I didn't like the person I was becoming in the marriage.  It finally dawned on me one day that I wouldn't even go on a first date with him, so why in the world was I struggling so hard with ending the marriage?  Because of my own fears, in a nutshell.

I feared feeling miserable forever with him MORE than I feared being on my own, so divorce was eminent.

That was the easy part!  Divorce, that is.  Done.  ExH gone.  Whew.

Enter pwBPD... .  I hadn't really reconciled all of this when he waltzed into my life.  I was vulnerable as all get out.  I latched onto him so tightly.  SAVE ME!  Save me from myself!

Okay, before this becomes too long to even bother reading... .  I had been looking to others to make me feel comfortable with myself.  I didn't trust myself or accept myself or even know where I was headed.  No goals really.  Just blowing in the wind... .

Do you have an idea of the path you'd like your life to take?  Maybe start there?  How far away are you now from achieving your goal, keeping in mind that there are a lot of steps along the way... .  It's the journey that's important, not necessarily the final destination

Does any of this resonate with you?



 

   

[sharlock]

From 123Phoebe

"There were other factors going on too, with my exH's family.  Just a whole lot of drama where I'd set my feelings aside, settle into the land of denial, try to go with the flow until I'd BLOW!  Then it would be me with all the issues   I had them alright!  Just had no idea where to go with them, everything seemed so impossible and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone's feelings."

Does any of this resonate with you?

123Phoebe, Yes this resonates with me. I feel like much of my life I've set my feelings aside.  Too many to even list nor do I care to relive them.  However, now that I have my BPDfriend who actually listens to me and considers my thoughts/feelings/ideas, I've been thinking "huh"- this is different! 

So I've been challenging my husband on things.  However, this hasn't been going well.  If I ask him to do something, discuss something, make a decision on something that requires a compromise he just shuts down.  My thoughts, feelings, ideas just get dismissed.  It's pretty frustrating.

I want my marriage to work out, but at the same time I don't want to lose my BPD friend.  However, I have feelings for him and it seems impossible to ignore them.  So there I go again ignoring my feelings. 

For now, I've decided to create some space between my BPD friend and me, or at least try... .I know this is hard for many reasons but maybe in the long term I'll be happy.

 

   [/quote]

[living in the past]

 sharlock, thanks for starting this thread, its been very helphul to me and thanks everyone who replied here, the title says it all, for me its a little easier  because i live 20 miles away and i am married, so i need to leave emotionally, detaching is neither kind or unkind,and doesn"t mean i have to physically not talk to them or see them,for today i am doing better,visited friend last week in hospital,visit went good,she has some medical problems besides the BPD,trying to step back a little, when i visit the breaking bi-polar site which she also has, i read that its good to help them,and when they push you away, its not about you,( which is good to know)and when they return to try to be there for them,so do i not try to help someone because there the opposite sex and i am married, i think its more about lovelingly detaching, and setting my own limits .