Boundaries without throwing the kids in front of the bus

[scrabble]

Wow.  Been a long time since I've posted.

Thankful for this place and the help it gave me several years ago. Things are much better now.

Looking for help for my DW. Her ex is somewhere in the NPD/BPD spectrum. Relatively high functioning, but manipulative, rages, etc. pretty much alienated his entire family.

He's engaged now. Things are quiet for the most part and he seems to be behaving for the new fiancé.  We think that wil change when they get married.

In the meantime, anytime my DW stands up for herself, pushes back on him or tries to enforce a boundary, we get the sense that the kids suffer because we see signs that he gets angry and everyone in their household has to walk on eggshells. The kids get very uncomfortable when she interacts with him or his family, like at sport or school events. My SD14 seems to be the gopher and in charge of SS11 and SS9.  She take things from the house to bring back to him and gets very agitated if anything is going on with her brothers that might upset dad (we think).  Also signs he and his fiancé treat her too much like an adult, in an unhealthy way.  General sense that the boys also get agitated when there's any parental interaction.

The fiancé seems to have some self-confidence or self-esteem issues as anything that impacts her, impacts dad and now everyone is unhappy. So we have to cater to that as well.  Doesn't help they keep trying to put her in a parent role,  which causes more conflict.

In general, everyone is trying to keep dad disarmed so he doesn't go off.

So, looking for any general hints or successful techniques for dealing with this sort of co-parenting scenario. We're in a joint custody situation. 50/50.

Thanks!

[Matt]

I wouldn't aim for "co-parenting" or even "parallel parenting" (though you might want to read up on both this concepts - they work for some families).  I would just think in terms of "parenting" - figuring out what each child needs, at each time, and doing your best to provide it.

Minimize interaction with the person you believe has NPD or BPD.  E-mail only.  No emotions, no talk about the past, no generalities - just specifics related to the kids, here and now.

Don't remain interested in DW's ex or his fiancee - leave it be - their lives are theirs.  Only focus on how the kids are doing and how you can help them.

If possible, it might help the kids to have a counselor - someone to teach them coping skills.

[livednlearned]

Good advice from Matt.

Any chance the kids can see a counselor? Even someone at school. With S12, when he was 8, I went to the family specialist and told her that he had some big issues at home. Then I called a meeting with my son and the family specialist, and basically said, "I like this person and I trust her. She knows that sometimes it helps to tell someone how you're feeling, especially if you're feeling bad. Anytime you want to just come in here and chill, you can. You can come to her office, and she'll let your teacher know that you need a break."

He only did it once. And then I got him in to see a counselor. Then things blew up in our home life, and the family counselor became a total rock for us. Same with the counselor.

If the oldest D is being parentified, she needs someone to help her with that. She needs a neutral 3rd party she can talk to help her deal with the anxiety and pressure. Probably very tricky for it to be with you. Lots of kids with BPD parents feel terrible loyalty binds.

Do you get the sense that there's any alienation going on?