lost it with daughter

[mggt]

So I had big fight with my d via text.  So much has been going on with her , I am still babysitting my gd only speak to my d for a total of five minutes when she drops gd off.  She is usually yelling or swearing at me for something .  I just have had it with her nastiness .  It us such a one way relationship so shallow so fake I have to think about how I am going to say hello to her without her getting upset She blew us off for Thanksgiving went with new bf to see his parents .  Im sure you all know the story  anyone she  meets she clings to them and thinks new family and when it blows up and always does she has to come back here no where else to go because she treats people so badly and now we have gd so she has us by the balls excuse me just very upset this has been her m.o. for years and now she is bringing her d along for crazy ride so upset right now cant take much more of heartache and sadness rough day

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

Can understand how you feel I watched my grandchildren for 5years I would cringe when I had to tell my daughter the baby was pulling her ear and may have an ear infection. As I medical professional myself I couldn't understand how I could speak to doctors, nurses and other staff at work yet I had to choose my words to carefully to tell her something as simple as the baby is pulling her ear. It went on so long I started to find that I was now having trouble talking at work. After 35years in the Medical profession this day to day struggle actually affected my job. I know realize what see actually heard when I said that to her. Not the baby has a ear infection but a personal attack on her. This board has given me much insight that I couldn't see before. I would have changed the way I reacted to her back then. I wouldn't have blamed myself so much. Eager to learn a lot more.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, mggt 

I'm so sorry for all of this trauma you are going through with your daughter; it's awful when our BPD kids treat us poorly, and keep making mistakes that we know are harmful to them, and there is nothing we can do about it! It's frustrating, and the hurtful things they say and do to us make it even worse... .I know how that feels, and it's a really rough ride.

How old is your granddaughter? How does your daughter affect her? Did this just happen today, and are you still babysitting? If it's any consolation, I've been drawn in to "text wars" a few times in the past with my uBPD DIL, and learned my lesson (finally!) not to do that anymore!    Now, if I were to get a text that just screams: "Answer me, and this day will go downhill FAST!" I don't answer it 

So... .now that some time has passed since you first posted, are things any calmer? Are you still upset? How's your granddaughter doing? Does she ever get drawn in to any of these episodes? In the past, when I'd had a couple of these kinds of things with my DIL, she hadn't had my grandbaby yet, and the last time something like this could have happened she was pregnant and I just ignored the text. Nothing like that has happened since, and in the future I won't participate either; I don't want to escalate anything, and I want things to be calm for my grandchild. This may or may not work for you; I know your situation is specific to you and your daughter... .

I'm so sorry for your sad and rough day; it stinks when stuff like this happens! I hope that you are feeling better now, and that you've been able to have a nice afternoon with your granddaughter. Not to be nosey (  ), but does Validation, S.E.T., or any of the TOOLS and THE LESSONS linked to on the right-hand side of this page, help at all with communicating with your daughter? Does she ever respond in a positive way to the information in those links? Just curious... .

Well, please take care of yourself and keep us updated on today's events, and how you are feeling... .We've all been there, and are all just trying to find the best way to navigate this "life with a BPD loved one" in a way that keeps us from going nuts 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello mggt,

I am sorry - it is tough, it is stressful, and it is understandable that you are feeling the way you do... .If your dd were a stranger, you would probably stay way away, right? It is normal to have feelings of not wanting to deal with it anymore when we are emotionally depleted, we feel used and abused. Grandkids complicate the situation even further... .

It is so tough for us as parents. We want to have a relationship w/our kids, and when it is abusive, we struggle between two healthy instincts: wanting to stay connected to our child, and protecting ourselves from the abuse.

Many members here advise that understanding why our children do it, and not taking it personally helps. It is true. But, it is only part of the whole picture. As RR pointed out, sometimes we can protect ourselves by simply not participating in a conversation that is going down hill. Sometimes it is more complicated, and we need to use some very sophisticated ways of communicating (the TOOLS, properly applied can make a world of a difference). Sometimes though, our pwBPD is too dysregulated and no amount of communication will calm them down. That's when we can take a Time out.

Bottom line - just because we love our children so much does not mean we let them abuse us, and just because we want AND WILL stop the abuse, it doesn't necessarily mean the end of our relationship with our pwBPD. On the contrary - in majority of the cases, it means an improved relationship in the long run. It takes time and effort though and in the beginning their behaviors can temporarily get worse - we need to be ready to protect ourselves from those as well... .

It it a lot to absorb, mggt, does it make sense though?

[qcarolr]

mggt

Hope you are having a better day. My DD has skipped family gatherings for a long time, At times this is still hard to accept, until I realize two things:

1. It is more peaceful when she makes her own plans, and I accept these.

2. This is her choice. I can let go of my crazy guilt that I am responsible for her enjoyment of a holiday.

This letting go is really hard for me. I still feel so responsible at times, even when I am powerless over her life.

Grandkids make it so much harder. They so easily get caught in the middle. It breaks my heart when my DD27 is just not emotionally available for my gd8. And she is angry at the same time that I have a good relationship with my gd. And this r/s with gd is very important for her.

Are you a caregiver for your gd as daycare? How old is she? How can we provide you support here with her?

qcr

[mggt]

Hi all, Thank you so much for your advice, have not heard from d since friday night I feel so guilty because of what I said to her I got right down to her level.  My gd is 22 months old and I babysit 3 days a week roughly 30 hours .  My h thinks whatever she says and does it basically ok because she has a mental illness .  That is where we have our major problems he  feel that she can berate me because she has a disorder .  The first rule of any parents are to  be on the same page and clearly we are not and my d knows this so I feel like I am fighting both of them .  Can not tell you how many times me and my h have had this discussion and still nothing changes with him .  The only time he will say anything to her is when she starts destroying the house kicking walls punching walls etc .  So as I see it   he is ok with d verbally attacking his wife but dont destroy house what kind of message is that sending my d .  So upset with d and h .  She has the disorder not him but I think I am the one going crazy .  She does not live with us that was so so stressful out all night left baby with us came home in morning went to work and did the same thing over and over we asked her to leave another thing I feel guilty about I have used the tools you all advised but the way I see it unless I act like a mute everything will be fine dont speak dont look at her just due my duty of getting my ass handed to me every time she comes here and everything will be fine . 

I

[crazedncrazymom]

Hey mggt,

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this now.  You have been trying so hard!  It is so hard when  a husband and wife are on different pages.  You must feel pretty crappy that your husband won't stick up for you.    You don't deserve that and not one professional would advocate for you to stand there calmly while be trashed.  Yes your dd has a severe mental illness.  We have ways that we can react to preserve our own dignity while not provoking our loved ones.

I think you really do need to look at your own boundaries independently of what your husband wants.  Just curious, does she rage at him and how does he react?  What can you do when she starts verbally berating you?  This isn't about your daughter, who obviously is taking care of her own emotions (anger) at the moment, or your husband, who probably just wants peace.  This is about YOU and what YOU can do.  I calmly say this is not acceptable.  We need some space to calm down before we can talk.  Then I leave... .the room, the house, the city... .however far I need to go to find a little peace.

I really liked this when I read it:

Parents’ “Bill of Rights”

Please take some "me" time today.  You truly deserve it.

-crazed