Looking for Advice.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The Following is an email i wrote to my therapist.

Know that my divorce from my BPD wife is over, I want to work on myself with my therapist to be healthier emotionally.

I have drawn on support from this forum and wanted to share with you all my situation in the hope that others who have traveled this road before me can help me.

The following is the email: 


HI

to continue our conversation from yesterday... .I want to work on getting healthier emotionally. 

First, Let me get my feelings about my BPDex out of the way. I don't think about her as much as before. But when I do, I miss her very much. Its weird, in my mind, i have two images of her. One is loving, hugging, intelligent, beautiful, i am lucky to have been loved by her. The other is a woman that causes me and my kids pain. Says things that are not true, belittling, hurtful, angry, dismissive... .

I need to remind myself that she has BPD and their is nothing i could have done to save the marriage. I remind myself that you and the other therapist cannot not all be wrong and my view of her is correct. Its my emotions that are distorted.

There must be something wrong with me that craves the love of a woman that cannot give it.

I grew up without my mom (my dad ran away with me and my two sisters when i was three, changed our names... .), and my dad got remarried and sent me away to live with other families, as a nebuch child at the age of 11.

I did not grow up feeling valuable, loved, i always felt small and hurt and unlovable.

As an adult, I know that i am a good person. I put myself through college. I have a working relationship with my kids mom. I am very close to my kids, we spend a lot of time together.

At work, i am fair with my workers and customers and have built a small but good reputable business. 

I have good friends that care about me and invite me to their homes for the weekends.

I am now close to my family. I speak to my two sisters, my brother, my mother daily. I know they love me.

Despite all this, i am not ok with me.

I make a "self improvment" plan for myself, like goto minyan, stop smoking, goto gym. But then i miss minyan, still smoke and thus dont go to the gym.

Then i buy into the crap that I am not good. undeserving of love. miss my BPDex... .(a bit codependent, i know, somehow, in my mind, if she loves me i am lovable)

My dad has a temper and when i was younger he hit me a lot anger calling me a bum.

When my mom found me as a teenager, she went to court for custody of my older sister but she did not fight for me.   

I know that i did not get the emotional nurturing as a kid. I need to do it for myself as an adult.

I know, smoking, or drinking, porn, is just an escape. I dont want to need to escape. I want to feel good with myself. I want to be comfortable in my own shoes.

Others are not perfect, but are ok with themselves. Why do i feel like i need to do A.B.C. and only then will i be lovable... .

I know i am functioning adult, I retreat to logical when things get too painful. I try to think my way out of the pain. It is draining.

Most of my day is occupied with work, daily tasks, i am able to not think about myself.

I want more for myself. I need help getting there.

end.

[samthewiss]

The Following is an email i wrote to my therapist.

Know that my divorce from my BPD wife is over, I want to work on myself with my therapist to be healthier emotionally.

I have drawn on support from this forum and wanted to share with you all my situation in the hope that others who have traveled this road before me can help me.

The following is the email: 


HI

to continue our conversation from yesterday... .I want to work on getting healthier emotionally. 

First, Let me get my feelings about my BPDex out of the way. I don't think about her as much as before. But when I do, I miss her very much. Its weird, in my mind, i have two images of her. One is loving, hugging, intelligent, beautiful, i am lucky to have been loved by her. The other is a woman that causes me and my kids pain. Says things that are not true, belittling, hurtful, angry, dismissive... .

I need to remind myself that she has BPD and their is nothing i could have done to save the marriage. I remind myself that you and the other therapist cannot not all be wrong and my view of her is correct. Its my emotions that are distorted.

There must be something wrong with me that craves the love of a woman that cannot give it.

I grew up without my mom (my dad ran away with me and my two sisters when i was three, changed our names... .), and my dad got remarried and sent me away to live with other families, as a nebuch child at the age of 11.

I did not grow up feeling valuable, loved, i always felt small and hurt and unlovable.

As an adult, I know that i am a good person. I put myself through college. I have a working relationship with my kids mom. I am very close to my kids, we spend a lot of time together.

At work, i am fair with my workers and customers and have built a small but good reputable business. 

I have good friends that care about me and invite me to their homes for the weekends.

I am now close to my family. I speak to my two sisters, my brother, my mother daily. I know they love me.

Despite all this, i am not ok with me.

I make a "self improvment" plan for myself, like goto minyan, stop smoking, goto gym. But then i miss minyan, still smoke and thus dont go to the gym.

Then i buy into the crap that I am not good. undeserving of love. miss my BPDex... .(a bit codependent, i know, somehow, in my mind, if she loves me i am lovable)

My dad has a temper and when i was younger he hit me a lot anger calling me a bum.

When my mom found me as a teenager, she went to court for custody of my older sister but she did not fight for me.   

I know that i did not get the emotional nurturing as a kid. I need to do it for myself as an adult.

I know, smoking, or drinking, porn, is just an escape. I dont want to need to escape. I want to feel good with myself. I want to be comfortable in my own shoes.

Others are not perfect, but are ok with themselves. Why do i feel like i need to do A.B.C. and only then will i be lovable... .

I know i am functioning adult, I retreat to logical when things get too painful. I try to think my way out of the pain. It is draining.

Most of my day is occupied with work, daily tasks, i am able to not think about myself.

I want more for myself. I need help getting there.

end.

[Surnia]

Hi samethewiss

I think you are on something important here to focus on your sense of self, much more than on your ex. 

Others are not perfect, but are ok with themselves. Why do i feel like i need to do A.B.C. and only then will i be lovable... .

I know i am functioning adult, I retreat to logical when things get too painful. I try to think my way out of the pain. It is draining.

These are key sentences for me and I can relate with it very much.

Is this email your first contact with a therapist?