How do we protect our family?

[Bugg4]

Thinking back, as a child our daughter began to show signals mental issues.  The only way I can describe the behavior is "drama queen".  Her dad and I have learned that she had been beating and threatening our second daughter for years.  Her 3 siblings have little to no interaction with her.

When we gave her an ultimatum of therapy or having to move out, she went to a facility for 2 weeks.  That's when BPD was finally diagnosed.  We are still trying to get her help but she refuses. 

The disorder sends her into huge rage and blames everyone for all her troubles.  She refers to herself as the outcast, never asked to be born, its the family's fault for all her anger issues, its our fault for her ex to have custody of their son, etc.  This cycle of promising to get help and being allowed to return home has been going on for a couple of years. 

The episodes are becoming more frequent.  She has them almost daily.  Yesterday and today's verbal assaults on my husband (her dad) sent our youngest running into hiding and the older 2 jumping between them.  A really sad part is her 4 year old son witnessed everything even though I was trying to distract him.  He told me "Mommy's in trouble again".

We've reached a breaking point.  How do I get past the guilt of possibly cutting ties with my beautiful baby girl?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Bugg4,

  I'm so happy you found your way to our board.  We have so many members that can relate to your story!  Your whole family has been through so much turmoil and upheaval.  I remember the mental exhaustion and guilt of being at the breaking point with my own daughter's (16) behavior.   You and your husband must have been shocked to find your daughter was beating her sister.  How are you feeling about that now?  Have you even begun to process? 

I think it's important to carefully consider all of your options for the type of relationship you want with your daughter.  There's a lot of soul searching involved with going no contact with your child.  Do you truly want to cut her out of your life while you heal?  Do you want to take steps to help her and your entire family heal?   Have you looked into a long term facility?  Two weeks is really nothing more than a break.  I can't imagine much, if any, treatment happening in such a short time. 

Are you and your husband able to support each other through this crisis? Are your other children out of the house?  Wow so many questions!  I hope you don't mind.  I really am trying to get a better picture and perhaps help you start figuring out the next step for your family.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you!

-crazed

[bubby827]

We too struggle from day to day.  My daughter is bi-polar as well.  I think deep down the kids do not want to feel different than everyone else either.  The problem are difficult reach them at times.  For us it takes a time when we are not involved in the throws of her rages.  I have found LOWER your voice, the louder her voice the lower your voice needs to be.  This has begun to work most of the time.  There are times it does not but it helps us (my husband and I) to cope a little better.

Most of the time I am the target of her rage and if I do not respond it helps the time for her to calm down.  Everyone is different. 

The other thing is by us staying calm my son is not as upset.  My daughter is 17 and newly diagnosed. So we are still learning what works for us.  I think it is a struggle for every family.  And everyone responds to different things.  Alll I can say is try different things to reach her.  Some thing will work.  Reach out to your community mental office and see if they have anything to help.

[PrettyPlease]

We've reached a breaking point.  How do I get past the guilt of possibly cutting ties with my beautiful baby girl?

Hi Bugg4,

The other posters have given you good leads and questions and I encourage you to follow and answer those. But I'll try at a direct answer to your own question above, about the guilt:

a) If you do your best to help, there's no reason for guilt. None.

b) In doing your best, you may need to apply triage. Life is full of difficult choices, and you've got a situation where one person's behaviour is damaging the lives of several others, some of whom are children and will possibly be permanently damaged if it goes on too long. You can probably save everybody else, other than your daughter -- but only if the damage stops. 

c) Learn about the condition; read the workshops, and books. You may be surprised at some of what you find -- for example, it's a common opinion among at least some of those who study BPD that pwBPD are more likely to be helped by being actually abandoned, and having to deal with it (by themselves), than by being allowed to go through their loop of 'fear of abandonment' over and over. From this point of view, even for your daughter cutting her off might be the right thing to do. This doesn't mean you would do it cruelly or thoughtlessly; you'd best get advice from people who've done it.

d) Whether or not you do go NC or LC with her, you'd still do well to study the tools, such as SET (Support, Empathy, Truth), so that you can minimize her behaviours if possible. Some people get very good results by learning this; maybe you can even stay in her life and she in yours; or at very least it will help in how you detach.

PP

[jellibeans]

buggs4

I am glad you found this board... . I am sorry I have been sick with Flu and lost track of you. How are things going now with your dd? Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.