Survive

[TakingWingAtLast]

BPD Family,

I'm GOING to survive this hell!

D

[State85]

Yesssss... .we are in a battle, we will survive and WIN!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Exactly!  We'll get through all this pain and realize our own value.  And begone to the pwBPD's disorder and good luck to them as persons. 

Although right now I'd like to vent some very pent up anger... .

D

[Turkish]

 ,  right on brother!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Yeah, fark her for not seeing that I was loyal when she would spend months in bed while I tended to everything in the household.

I was there for her when her own farking mother never wanted to see her again.  I tried to keep them together.  Now I'm poison to the both of them.  Fark them!

I was there for every one of her kids activities.  Fark her for not appreciating that I love them and that she farking took that away from me.  I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to my stepdaughter.

Fark her for devaluing me at every chance making me doubt who I was.   And making every small issue into a mountain of grief.

And an especial fark you for making me feel I was a bad parent to my own kids.   I didn't get that she wasn't really trying to be helpful to my kids like I thought.  She was actually devaluing me as a Dad!  

Just FARK!

crying and angry all at the same time... .

D

[Naddred369]

Takingwingatlast,

I never said goodbye to my stepdaughter either. Thats 5 years of love and care. Mutual love and care.

We will survive.

I will use all my anger and blame and drag my sorry arse back to health!

I will not give in.

I WILL learn from this and love again... .Or at least have fun trying! ;-)

[TakingWingAtLast]

Right on Naddred!  It's a trumpet call!

Saw the ex at the gym.  Here's what she texted after I left:

You look good!  I'll be you're having fun at all the gay bars!  At least we won't run into each other when we are out on dates!  :-)

I have to say that this text was brilliant!  It was complimentary and devaluing all the same time.  What a load of crap! 

Just leave me alone.  I hate your illness!

Feels good to say I hate that!   I must say that I was giving her unfavorable gestures as I ran. 

Good running day.  Best ever in quite a while...   9 minute miles for 4 miles.  Recovering from an Achilles injury takes forever!   I used to run 15 miles or more.  Slow and steady though.  4 miles is a good amount because I get my minimum exercise time. 

And she is right about one thing!  I DO look good!

D

[Traumatized]

I was there for her... .

That's what I keep saying to myself over and over.  I was there for her in her times of need; in her times of crisis.  I was good to her.  I took care of her.  I loved her as best as I could.  And in return where was she when I needed her love and support before, during and after the breakup?  Nowhere to be found.  She abandoned me coldly and cruelly, with no empathy or remorse.

I ran into her unexpectedly the other night at a support group.  She took the opportunity to abuse me at a support group of all places!  She brought up specific grudges she holds against me (without mentioning me by name) and presented them to the group.  She played the victim and received everyone's sympathy.  This is the same group of people she's poisoned against me.  I was angry and should have walked out of the meeting, but I stayed until the end.  After the group was over I told one of the facilitators what happened without mentioning her by name.  Then I left without making a glance backwards.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I had a full blown panic attack when I saw her outside before the group began and it took me over 45 minutes and heavy persuasion from one of the facilitators to get me into the room.  I should have never went in there.  She was talking ___ about me the second I walked in.  

Two days later I made the mistake of checking her Facebook and seeing pictures of her happy, smiling face.  She had her arm around my replacement and was with her new entourage of enablers... .I mean friends.  The pictures had been taken shortly after the group meeting when they were all out to dinner.  She commented how they had a great time hanging out together.  Seeing all of this sent me over the edge!  It was my break point.  I snapped.  I immediately wanted to kill myself and pulled out a butcher's knife. I cried uncontrollably, dry heaved 7 or 8 times, but stopped just short of slitting my wrists.  I called the suicide hotline.  

After much discussion with the suicide hotline counselor, and to my dismay, 911 was called.  4 cops and 2 emt's showed up at my apartment and took me against my will to a psych ward.  Ironically, while I was in the psych ward and my phone was confiscated, she had called me.  It's almost like she somehow she knew I was in there, but how could she?  She left a message saying she owed me an apology and for me to call her.  I have not called her back yet and don't know if I am going to.  It's probably a trap to hurt me further and I cannot handle one more ounce of rejection from her.  Her "apologies" are backhanded anyway.  She'll semi apologize for something and then turn it all against me.  I can see that happening again.

I am a survivor.  I am surviving... .so far.

[State85]

TakingWingatl

You a runner?

I am... triathlete, but love running. Great escape from this chaos!

[Waifed]

I was there for her... .

That's what I keep saying to myself over and over.  I was there for her in her times of need; in her times of crisis.  I was good to her.  I took care of her.  I loved her as best as I could.  And in return where was she when I needed her love and support before, during and after the breakup?  Nowhere to be found.  She abandoned me coldly and cruelly, with no empathy or remorse.

I ran into her unexpectedly the other night at a support group.  She took the opportunity to abuse me at a support group of all places!  She brought up specific grudges she holds against me (without mentioning me by name) and presented them to the group.  She played the victim and received everyone's sympathy.  This is the same group of people she's poisoned against me.  I was angry and should have walked out of the meeting, but I stayed until the end.  After the group was over I told one of the facilitators what happened without mentioning her by name.  Then I left without making a glance backwards.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I had a full blown panic attack when I saw her outside before the group began and it took me over 45 minutes and heavy persuasion from one of the facilitators to get me into the room.  I should have never went in there.  She was talking ___ about me the second I walked in.  

Two days later I made the mistake of checking her Facebook and seeing pictures of her happy, smiling face.  She had her arm around my replacement and was with her new entourage of enablers... .I mean friends.  The pictures had been taken shortly after the group meeting when they were all out to dinner.  She commented how they had a great time hanging out together.  Seeing all of this sent me over the edge!  It was my break point.  I snapped.  I immediately wanted to kill myself and pulled out a butcher's knife. I cried uncontrollably, dry heaved 7 or 8 times, but stopped just short of slitting my wrists.  I called the suicide hotline.  

After much discussion with the suicide hotline counselor, and to my dismay, 911 was called.  4 cops and 2 emt's showed up at my apartment and took me against my will to a psych ward.  Ironically, while I was in the psych ward and my phone was confiscated, she had called me.  It's almost like she somehow she knew I was in there, but how could she?  She left a message saying she owed me an apology and for me to call her.  I have not called her back yet and don't know if I am going to.  It's probably a trap to hurt me further and I cannot handle one more ounce of rejection from her.  Her "apologies" are backhanded anyway.  She'll semi apologize for something and then turn it all against me.  I can see that happening again.

I am a survivor.  I am surviving... .so far.

Hang in there Traumatized. Life will get better.

[TakingWingAtLast]

I hear you Traumatized.

Get angry!   You have been abused.  Your very nature as a human being was taken advantage of cruelly!  Get mad!  Survive!  The best weapon you have is getting healthy.  Go towards the things that make you the great person you are.

Go through the pain until you can look her straight in the eye without feelings of guilt or even remorse.  When you know that she wasn't able to get help for a mental illness and you can forgive.  You can easily ignore those phone calls and texts and even the painted black at a support group (which is the nuttiest thing I've ever heard.  What DID the facilitator say?)

Grow as a person!  Become the person that you want to be.  Take the high road every time and your primary greatness will shine through despite anything she says about you.  The best way to get even is to get healthy!

And we'll be with you as you painstakingly make your way through this morass.  You have support here.  And if you don't have enough anger yet, then you can borrow some of mine! 

D

I was there for her... .

That's what I keep saying to myself over and over.  I was there for her in her times of need; in her times of crisis.  I was good to her.  I took care of her.  I loved her as best as I could.  And in return where was she when I needed her love and support before, during and after the breakup?  Nowhere to be found.  She abandoned me coldly and cruelly, with no empathy or remorse.

I ran into her unexpectedly the other night at a support group.  She took the opportunity to abuse me at a support group of all places!  She brought up specific grudges she holds against me (without mentioning me by name) and presented them to the group.  She played the victim and received everyone's sympathy.  This is the same group of people she's poisoned against me.  I was angry and should have walked out of the meeting, but I stayed until the end.  After the group was over I told one of the facilitators what happened without mentioning her by name.  Then I left without making a glance backwards.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I had a full blown panic attack when I saw her outside before the group began and it took me over 45 minutes and heavy persuasion from one of the facilitators to get me into the room.  I should have never went in there.  She was talking ___ about me the second I walked in.  

Two days later I made the mistake of checking her Facebook and seeing pictures of her happy, smiling face.  She had her arm around my replacement and was with her new entourage of enablers... .I mean friends.  The pictures had been taken shortly after the group meeting when they were all out to dinner.  She commented how they had a great time hanging out together.  Seeing all of this sent me over the edge!  It was my break point.  I snapped.  I immediately wanted to kill myself and pulled out a butcher's knife. I cried uncontrollably, dry heaved 7 or 8 times, but stopped just short of slitting my wrists.  I called the suicide hotline.  

After much discussion with the suicide hotline counselor, and to my dismay, 911 was called.  4 cops and 2 emt's showed up at my apartment and took me against my will to a psych ward.  Ironically, while I was in the psych ward and my phone was confiscated, she had called me.  It's almost like she somehow she knew I was in there, but how could she?  She left a message saying she owed me an apology and for me to call her.  I have not called her back yet and don't know if I am going to.  It's probably a trap to hurt me further and I cannot handle one more ounce of rejection from her.  Her "apologies" are backhanded anyway.  She'll semi apologize for something and then turn it all against me.  I can see that happening again.

I am a survivor.  I am surviving... .so far.

[TakingWingAtLast]

State,

I would definitely try triathlons, but I've had a torn rotator cuff for nearly a decade.  Didn't want to do the surgery!   I can swim, but it's slow... .   

I am an avid biker and runner though.   I rule the Jewish Community Center on the Expresso Bikes there. 

I may try a mini-triathlon in February.  It's indoors and its only 500 meters swimming.

Between my diet (which is my own version of Paleo Diet called the "Smartest Loser" and the exercise, I have a very effective method of keeping the stress down.

D


 

TakingWingatl

You a runner?

I am... triathlete, but love running. Great escape from this chaos!

[Discovery]

Get angry!   You have been abused.  Your very nature as a human being was taken advantage of cruelly!  Get mad!  Survive!  The best weapon you have is getting healthy.  Go towards the things that make you the great person you are.

Go through the pain until you can look her straight in the eye without feelings of guilt or even remorse.  When you know that she wasn't able to get help for a mental illness and you can forgive.  ... .

Grow as a person!  Become the person that you want to be.  Take the high road every time and your primary greatness will shine through despite anything she says about you.  The best way to get even is to get healthy!

Takingwingatlast,

Thanks for this. I really needed it today.

D

[Discovery]

I was there for her in her times of need; in her times of crisis.  I was good to her.  I took care of her.  I loved her as best as I could.  And in return where was she when I needed her love and support before, during and after the breakup?  Nowhere to be found.  She abandoned me coldly and cruelly, with no empathy or remorse.

Traumatized, I get that. Exactly the same for me. The most dehumanizing feeling ever. And excruciating when the person you love and who you believed loved you does this to you. WOW-I'd never imagined in my wildest dreams someone I loved and trusted would behave this way.

And... .like takingwing said, let's use our energy and fire about how we've been treated to survive, get healthy and go towards what brings out our strength, resilience and goodness even more.

[TakingWingAtLast]

BPD Family,

I did some terrible things to my expwBPDgf in the wake of all this abuse.  I'm am, in fact, quite certain that I have worsened the BPD in her.  I feel guilt about that.  And I always will.  I tried to explain that I understood how much I hurt her by showing her the following NY Times article.  I'll share that with you.  I had a horrific moment when I realized that I would end up better than her after reading the article.

www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?_r=0

Nonetheless, my terrible deed wasn't in a vacuum.  It was a maladaptation on my part to something so abusive and devaluing that I can forgive myself for what I have done.  It has been quite a trial to take ownership of my own flaws and associated BPD characteristics.  Regardless, I plan on learning to forgive my own failings and move on.

To survive and thrive!

D