Spin on "misinterpreting" thread and "Did you kiss her?"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I didn't want to highjack the "misinterpreting" thread, but have noticed a similar pattern in my marriage with my H.  We simply CANNOT communicate because he either has a listening problem or a comprehension problem, but trying to talk to him seriously makes me want to jump off a bridge because it's so frustrating.  Examples:

I have said no less than ten times this week that I am slammed with work up until next Saturday but that I am taking next Saturday off and will have to squeeze all Xmas shopping in that day if I am going to have gifts in time.  I have said "next Saturday, the Saturday before Christmas, not this Saturday but next," and other variations so that there could be NO misunderstanding on his part.  What does he do?  He tells our son that we are going shopping tomorrow for Christmas gifts.  I was sure my son misunderstood, so I texted my H and said, "What's the deal with telling son we are going shopping tomorrow?  You know I have to work, and I cannot do it tomorrow."  He sends me a text back and say, "You have said repeatedly this week that we need to get our shopping done tomorrow, so I have planned on going tomorrow."  I have e-mails and texts that both say in some variation next Saturday, but he has continued to argue with me that I explicitly told him this Saturday, tomorrow.  So not only can he not understand, maybe he can't read either?  I don't know.   

When he got home today I told him about a conversation I was having with a friend of mine, who has ALWAYS lived in Florida, about her having to run to Publix for some groceries and then she was going to call me back, so when she called I needed him to watch our son so I could go upstairs and talk -- her husband cheated and she's having a rough time.  If I'm on the phone downstairs, with our son and three dogs, plus him slamming doors and acting out because he hates when I'm on the phone, I generally can't hear, so I was going to take the call upstairs.

He immediately started arguing with me wanting to know who I was really going to talk to upstairs because he was convinced that's "cheating behavior."  He then went on to tell me how effing stupid I am to think that I could convince him that they had Publix in the Midwest because Publix is a southern state grocery store.  I sat there while he yelled at me for the better part of 20 minutes at how ignorant I was and how I wasn't going to pull one over on him because he knew where Publix was.  I said, "Um, right, Publix is down south, you know, WHERE SHE LIVES, and that's why she's going there."  He then argued with me and tried to tell me that he knew she really lived in another state and I was lying.  I was completely blown away because she currently and has always lived in Florida, he knows this, and this whole "fit" zero sense whatsoever.

These things happen at least five or six times a day.  I promise I'm really trying to learn to communicate with him better, because I do have a tendency at this point to be so over it that I'm not nice, but I don't know how to do that when he seems to not hear, misunderstand or misinterpret everything that comes out of my mouth.  It's like he hears or understands one little part of what I'm saying and constructs an entire story out of it and then sticks to it like it's the truth, and I cannot convince him otherwise.

My other issue to deal with this weekend is just staying sane enough not to choke him.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, my yearly well woman exam.  On breast exam, my doctor found a lump on my breast and is sending me for a mammogram.  She moved on to my Pap smear, and I could tell from her face something was wrong.  She asked me if I minded just hanging on a few more minutes while she continued to do the internal exam.  When it was over, she said that she was having difficulty doing the exam and she wanted to send me for an ultrasound next week to see what's going on in my pelvic area.  Of course, I was freaked out about this because, well, the suggestion of cancer even tangentially is enough to freak someone out.  I didn't talk to my H but for a quick minute last night because we were both working.  Today he asked me to tell him again what happened at the doctor because he didn't remember what I said last night.  So I repeat what I just wrote above, told him they were going to call Monday morning with the mammo and ultrasound appointments, and that I might need him to do some creative scheduling to watch out son while I go. 

He should be concerned at this point, right?  Ummmm, no, not him.  He says, "How did she find this lump anyway?  How does she know there's something wrong inside of you?  Was she touching you?  I bet you liked it.  Did you effing kiss her, too?  WOW, I always knew you were a lesbian."  What the heck?  There was not a single word of concern that came out of his mouth, and I have spent the rest of today/tonight with him making derogatory comments insinuating that I was having an inappropriate relationship with my doctor and that he was going to report us both.  I am completely and utterly shocked, hurt, angry, and so ready to cry right now. 

I think I am getting closer to knowing that I belong on the leaving board, because this is so ridiculous.  Can someone please explain to me what makes these people act like this in a way that will make sense to me right now?  I keep reading things and I understand the words and meanings... .I just must not be "getting it" and wrapping my mind around the fact that it's possible for any person to act like this and think it's okay, or at least not see that it's a problem and it's wrong.  It is so hard for me to make myself stop and think, "You know he doesn't think like you do," when he's in the middle of attacking me like this.  I just want to throw things at him and scream at him and tell him how stupid and ignorant HE is but that he's too stupid and ignorant to even understand that.  I am so tired of biting my tongue just to avoid making things worse.  Right now, I WANT to hurt him as much as he's hurt me, but I know I don't have it in me to act like that, and then I get ticked off all over again because I can't seem to get the strength to show him the door and change the locks.  It is sickening to me that this has become a "normal" way of living. 

[karma_gal]

So I didn't want to highjack the "misinterpreting" thread, but have noticed a similar pattern in my marriage with my H.  We simply CANNOT communicate because he either has a listening problem or a comprehension problem, but trying to talk to him seriously makes me want to jump off a bridge because it's so frustrating.  Examples:

I have said no less than ten times this week that I am slammed with work up until next Saturday but that I am taking next Saturday off and will have to squeeze all Xmas shopping in that day if I am going to have gifts in time.  I have said "next Saturday, the Saturday before Christmas, not this Saturday but next," and other variations so that there could be NO misunderstanding on his part.  What does he do?  He tells our son that we are going shopping tomorrow for Christmas gifts.  I was sure my son misunderstood, so I texted my H and said, "What's the deal with telling son we are going shopping tomorrow?  You know I have to work, and I cannot do it tomorrow."  He sends me a text back and say, "You have said repeatedly this week that we need to get our shopping done tomorrow, so I have planned on going tomorrow."  I have e-mails and texts that both say in some variation next Saturday, but he has continued to argue with me that I explicitly told him this Saturday, tomorrow.  So not only can he not understand, maybe he can't read either?  I don't know.   

When he got home today I told him about a conversation I was having with a friend of mine, who has ALWAYS lived in Florida, about her having to run to Publix for some groceries and then she was going to call me back, so when she called I needed him to watch our son so I could go upstairs and talk -- her husband cheated and she's having a rough time.  If I'm on the phone downstairs, with our son and three dogs, plus him slamming doors and acting out because he hates when I'm on the phone, I generally can't hear, so I was going to take the call upstairs.

He immediately started arguing with me wanting to know who I was really going to talk to upstairs because he was convinced that's "cheating behavior."  He then went on to tell me how effing stupid I am to think that I could convince him that they had Publix in the Midwest because Publix is a southern state grocery store.  I sat there while he yelled at me for the better part of 20 minutes at how ignorant I was and how I wasn't going to pull one over on him because he knew where Publix was.  I said, "Um, right, Publix is down south, you know, WHERE SHE LIVES, and that's why she's going there."  He then argued with me and tried to tell me that he knew she really lived in another state and I was lying.  I was completely blown away because she currently and has always lived in Florida, he knows this, and this whole "fit" zero sense whatsoever.

These things happen at least five or six times a day.  I promise I'm really trying to learn to communicate with him better, because I do have a tendency at this point to be so over it that I'm not nice, but I don't know how to do that when he seems to not hear, misunderstand or misinterpret everything that comes out of my mouth.  It's like he hears or understands one little part of what I'm saying and constructs an entire story out of it and then sticks to it like it's the truth, and I cannot convince him otherwise.

My other issue to deal with this weekend is just staying sane enough not to choke him.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, my yearly well woman exam.  On breast exam, my doctor found a lump on my breast and is sending me for a mammogram.  She moved on to my Pap smear, and I could tell from her face something was wrong.  She asked me if I minded just hanging on a few more minutes while she continued to do the internal exam.  When it was over, she said that she was having difficulty doing the exam and she wanted to send me for an ultrasound next week to see what's going on in my pelvic area.  Of course, I was freaked out about this because, well, the suggestion of cancer even tangentially is enough to freak someone out.  I didn't talk to my H but for a quick minute last night because we were both working.  Today he asked me to tell him again what happened at the doctor because he didn't remember what I said last night.  So I repeat what I just wrote above, told him they were going to call Monday morning with the mammo and ultrasound appointments, and that I might need him to do some creative scheduling to watch out son while I go. 

He should be concerned at this point, right?  Ummmm, no, not him.  He says, "How did she find this lump anyway?  How does she know there's something wrong inside of you?  Was she touching you?  I bet you liked it.  Did you effing kiss her, too?  WOW, I always knew you were a lesbian."  What the heck?  There was not a single word of concern that came out of his mouth, and I have spent the rest of today/tonight with him making derogatory comments insinuating that I was having an inappropriate relationship with my doctor and that he was going to report us both.  I am completely and utterly shocked, hurt, angry, and so ready to cry right now. 

I think I am getting closer to knowing that I belong on the leaving board, because this is so ridiculous.  Can someone please explain to me what makes these people act like this in a way that will make sense to me right now?  I keep reading things and I understand the words and meanings... .I just must not be "getting it" and wrapping my mind around the fact that it's possible for any person to act like this and think it's okay, or at least not see that it's a problem and it's wrong.  It is so hard for me to make myself stop and think, "You know he doesn't think like you do," when he's in the middle of attacking me like this.  I just want to throw things at him and scream at him and tell him how stupid and ignorant HE is but that he's too stupid and ignorant to even understand that.  I am so tired of biting my tongue just to avoid making things worse.  Right now, I WANT to hurt him as much as he's hurt me, but I know I don't have it in me to act like that, and then I get ticked off all over again because I can't seem to get the strength to show him the door and change the locks.  It is sickening to me that this has become a "normal" way of living. 

[Surnia]

Hi Karma_gal

First of all: I would be very worried too about a likewise session at the doctor. To wait for further results about a lump is so difficult and crazy making. 

I really hope it will be all good.

What you are going through with your h is very difficult too. I am very familiar with it, my xH could act in similar ways. I gained some understanding about this kind of behavior through the books of Patricia Evans. My guess is he is not able to see you as an independent person. You are like some part of himself. So its just not possible that you want choose a different day for shopping than him.

His reaction about you medical problems and being lesbian is - far beyond. He doesn't get it first and than he is looking only from a very limited point of view about touching. I would be hurt too. The hard part: This is how he is. His empathy skills are completely limited.

[an0ught]

Hi karma_gal,

you are worried about your health and it is best to focus on yourself during this crisis. Accept that some things not going perfect or your way - you don't have to like it.

He is not setting an example for careful planning and efficient shopping. He is not at all emotionally supportive and leaning on him hurts. The less he makes sense the more you know he is overwhelmed with the situation too but that won't help you 

Can you reach other to others for support?