supervised visitation

[suffering_parent]

So my custody trial got moved until January.   My BPDw is super out of control.  She threatened my lawyer and is attempting to get the media involved.   She keeps sending insane emails to my lawyer and the kids guardian.

So both the guardian and my lawyer want to pursue supervised visitation only.   I am very afraid this will make BPDw even crazier.   The biggest problem though is the cost of this.   I have no one that will supervise - everyone is afraid of her.   The only other options is $35 per hour!

Anyone know of any organizations or funding to help with something like this?   I can't afford to pay that.   My wife can't hold a job so there is no chance she will help out.

[ForeverDad]

While you may be required to pay a portion initially, you can't do that indefinitely and pay all of your own bills and care for the children as well.  Realistically if she is deemed to need supervision then paying for it is her responsibility, after all, she's an adult and that would be part of her consequences.  If she were a he/father I don't think the professionals would hesitate to tell him he had to pay.  Gender makes a difference, even though unwritten.  So does being the disordered squeaky wheel.  Concerns over a disordered parent's rights somehow overwhelm and bog down what's best for the children.  The problem is to convince the courts to treat a she same as a he and a poorly behaving parent same as a reasonably normal parent.

[suffering_parent]

That may be true, but what if she has a mental illness that prevents her from working.   I think all involved have sympathy for her.

I am not sure what will happen.   I was hoping there would be some kind of help somewhere.

[ForeverDad]

I can imagine that.  I too get the feeling and have even been told, "Well, you married her and you're the one who had children with her".  As if we should have known better?

They have sympathy for her?  Then how about they pay her supervision costs?  (I'm assuming you, like the vast majority of us, are not independently wealthy.)  Come on, likely she'll get support from the state or government, food stamps, unemployment, medical care, subsidized housing, etc.  She can safeguard a portion of her money for supervision costs if she cares that much.

Your mantra needs to include, She's an adult, she gets more than rights, she should shoulder her responsibilities and consequences too.  Maybe someone will listen at least a little.  Strange how even divorce doesn't always end this aspect of our potential obligations.

[livednlearned]

suffering_parent,

Why do you think you'll be expected to pay? Has your lawyer or the guardian suggested that?

In some states, there are nonprofit agencies that help with this. Maybe you can ask the guardian or other court advocates? I think, though, even in big cities, that kind of service isn't common, and when it is, the waiting period can be long.

Are you ok with her not having visitation if she can't afford to pay?

[catnap]

I went back just a bit in your posts, it seems a lot of her rage was also directed at the children.  Do they want to see their mother?

[marbleloser]

If you have to pay,ask for 1 hour supervised visitation every two weeks for her. Even if you don't have to pay,I'd request this. Start low and see how it goes before allowing more time for visitation.

[catnap]

You might call your local YMCA.  I did some research and was surprised to find that some YMCA's do supervised visitation for a low fee and some even offer grants to pay for the majority/or all of the fee. 

[momtara]

I've heard the Salvation Army does it sometimes.

Stick to your guns - at least for leverage.  You don't want to take a chance.

Some do supervision at the local courthouse, but that is kinda insulting.

[suffering_parent]

My lawyer and the guardian spoke at length.   They both agreed supervised visits would be ideal.   The guardian also suggested a protection order, but my laywer says its just an expensive piece of paper.   BPDw won't follow any court orders so it doesn't really matter.

BPDw has done a lot of crazy stuff my lawyer has never seen before.   She is writing a letter to the judge asking for the case to be cancelled!

Neither the guardian or my lawyer had any good suggestion on how to do the supervised visits with the cost being what it is.  We live in a smaller town so the options are probably limited.   I am expected to pay because until we are divorced my income is "community property".   So sick of that... .

All the kids want to see Mom... .and I am OK with that.   I need to make sure they are safe though.   The biggest risk is her kidnapping the kids.   That is what everyone is worried about.

[ForeverDad]

The guardian also suggested a protection order, but my laywer says its just an expensive piece of paper.   BPDw won't follow any court orders so it doesn't really matter.

But it creates a paper trail.  In my mind that may mean much right now but it will later on.  Believe me, most of the crazy stuff never gets put "on the record".  If you can get the court to document some of this stuff, make a 'finding' and take action, it ought to help in the years to come if only for establishing 'history'.  On the other hand, as events fade into the past, so does the court's concern.  I recall when I was in court I was told to mention only the last 6 months, anything older was 'stale' and only counted to establish a historical pattern of behaviors.

Neither the guardian or my lawyer had any good suggestion on how to do the supervised visits with the cost being what it is.  We live in a smaller town so the options are probably limited.   I am expected to pay because until we are divorced my income is "community property".   So sick of that... .

until we are divorced... .  There's the key.  Your goal is getting to a final decree.  Keep the court case moving along as fast as possible.  Keep continuances and other delays to a minimum.  Get that final decree as fast as possible.  (In some states our members have been able to get divorced even before the custody is settled.  Whatever works for you.)  It won't be fast but on the other hand at least keep her from delaying it too much.  In my case, it took 23.5 months, court insisted on checking all the boxes and ex dragged her feet all the way since the temp order was in her favor.  For many members here it takes up to two years, a few take longer, some take less.  Yours might take less since the GAL is already on your side.  Plan for at least a year but know it could be a little more or less.  Then... .once you have the final decree and your income is yours and not community property... .that risk of paying for supervised is past.  So batten down the hatches weather the financial  stormy weather until that part of it is over.

All the kids want to see Mom... .and I am OK with that.   I need to make sure they are safe though.   The biggest risk is her kidnapping the kids.   That is what everyone is worried about.

She's still their mother.  It takes an awful lot to turn off those feelings, though eventually as they get older they'd either start parentifying her or alienating (one of you depending on whether conned or validated).  For now your focus is to protect them from her negative extremes.