Who should pull the trigger to Divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've done a lot of reading on the topic of BPD, but have trouble deciding how and when a Divorce should take place.  From what I understand, if I want the most peaceful (can't come up with a better word) Divorce from my uBPDw, then I should try to get her to be disinterested in me to the point that she will file.  This will let her feel like it was her decision and the processes that follow are a result of her decision.  However, getting to this point is a very hard proposition because of what I have to deal with to get to that point and then the timing is not in my control.  While this waiting makes sense to me, is it true based on your experience?  Is the Divorce process at least a little better when the BPD sufferer files than what I've heard if the Non files.

Or should I be the one to file?  I fear that with my uBPDw it will be World War III.  I've made some effort to get keepsakes and have all financial documentation in a separate location.  But, I would much rather have a "smoother" Divorce and deal with the FOG sessions as they come and go before she files. 

None of this is going to be smooth with S1... .

I hope what I'm trying to ask makes sense.  Any insight would be appreciated... .

[MakeHasteNotWaste]

I've done a lot of reading on the topic of BPD, but have trouble deciding how and when a Divorce should take place.  From what I understand, if I want the most peaceful (can't come up with a better word) Divorce from my uBPDw, then I should try to get her to be disinterested in me to the point that she will file.  This will let her feel like it was her decision and the processes that follow are a result of her decision.  However, getting to this point is a very hard proposition because of what I have to deal with to get to that point and then the timing is not in my control.  While this waiting makes sense to me, is it true based on your experience?  Is the Divorce process at least a little better when the BPD sufferer files than what I've heard if the Non files.

Or should I be the one to file?  I fear that with my uBPDw it will be World War III.  I've made some effort to get keepsakes and have all financial documentation in a separate location.  But, I would much rather have a "smoother" Divorce and deal with the FOG sessions as they come and go before she files. 

None of this is going to be smooth with S1... .

I hope what I'm trying to ask makes sense.  Any insight would be appreciated... .

[crystal]

I do understand what you are saying  about allowing the BPD to have some control so that maybe that will decrease the war.  This is a common hope around here and what I have seen, is that while the BPD will threaten divorce they rarely pull the trigger or if htey do, then they backtrack. The fear of loss is just too much.

And no matter what you do, there will be bad behavior. BPDs just cant help but respond that way to the stress of divorce and the fear of abandonment.

Stop making this about your BPD and make it about you and your life. If you want a divorce, file. If you want things to keep moving forward after you file, dont walk on pins and needles and try to second guess or BPD, move ahead in an orderly firm way. The crap will come no matter what. Moving ahead will shorten the duration. 

But YES, gather your keepsakes, your paperwork. Protect your finances  and if need be, make an escape plan before you file. 

Best to you (and no, I did not follow all of this advice... .and it dragged out our divorce and did NOT make my exBPD any easier to deal with)

[ForeverDad]

There is no best or right time to file.  If you wait for the right time, you'll have your finger on that button for a long, long time.

Prepare reasonably well, protect yourself from false allegations as best you can, documenting not just the paperwork but also your spouse's behaviors.  Courts may not care much about the behaviors.  If there are children, then documented poor behaviors toward the children (abuse or neglect) will be far more powerful than conflict between the spouses.

[maxen]

i understand what you are saying. i served three weeks ago today. from the emotional point of view, this was a mistake. i should have waited for her do it: she'll be less horrible if she doesn't have her victim mentality triggered, she might even balk (and we could reconcile!) if she realized that she'd have to close a door. in fact at our last face to face meting, three months after she announced her deceit and moved in with the other party, she said "i haven't filed for divorce yet! some of my friends think i should just file!" (the look on her face said "i hope you appreciate how sincere i am!" i'll never forget that. and she couldn't, apparently, imagine that i would file.) her utter passivity has now been rewarded, i have the responsibility for our divorce. i'm doing it to her!

otoh, by filing first i got control of the clock and gave myself four months to work through my feelings. by the end of that time we were (still are) NC and i didn't see what other way to go. more importantly, my domicile is in another county from hers and it was of much importance to have all this go through the courts here rather than there. i also felt that it was only right on moral grounds that i divorce her (i wanted to go in adultery but the L kindly but firmly put me off it). what the value of that sort of thinking is i'll leave to others to judge.

basically though

Stop making this about your BPD and make it about you and your life. If you want a divorce, file. If you want things to keep moving forward after you file, dont walk on pins and needles and try to second guess or BPD, move ahead in an orderly firm way. The crap will come no matter what.

[livednlearned]

MHNW,

Glad you found the board.

It's a good question, but it's hard to answer. I found over time that N/BPDxh had a victim mentality whether I triggered him or not. After I got out of the r/s, I realized that there wasn't really a correlation between my actions and his reaction. He tracked a different reality. It's possible that even if she filed first, she would still launch WWIII.

Have you read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? Important read if you're preparing to divorce. It will give you good insight into the dynamics of divorcing a pwBPD. It seems like even when the pwBPD wants the divorce, every step of the way is still fraught with conflict.

Having said that -- my L recommended that I file first. I also moved to a county where my L thought the courts were more straight forward, less good ol' boys, so I did. I filed first so I could get my case tried in that county. One thing to think of, echoing FD -- if your ex files first, she may make false allegations about you, and then you're on the defensive in the legal system, and that's not a good place to be. In general, filing first gives you an advantage, although not going first doesn't mean the end of the world.

I did like you did, gathered up anything of value, including passports, financial docs, and personal items. And I had a storage locker where I put things I might need in case N/BPDx escalated to the point it wasn't safe. Glad I did that, because he did escalate.

Have you consulted with an attorney? You can sometimes get 30 min free (or $50 or $100) and ask key questions.

[MakeHasteNotWaste]

Thank you for the responses. 

crystal, you are totally right in saying to make it about me.  Most of the time I am trying to plan everything out with respect to uBPDw's possible reactions.  I've got to stay focused on myself (and my child).  Thank you for the reminder.

I have consulted with an attorney (albeit over 6 months ago).  L suggested filing first for more success, but said it would be up to me.  To be honest, making that decision is putting a lot of pressure on me.

I will pick up a copy of the book referenced (had seen it mentioned before, but am taking a more proactive approach to my situation (hence, posting on this board for the first times today)).

[livednlearned]

L suggested filing first for more success, but said it would be up to me.  To be honest, making that decision is putting a lot of pressure on me.

It's common advice, and it's accurate. Filing first, in general, will give you an advantage. And having as many advantages as you can in a high-conflict divorces = 

[Pearl55]

Make

It depends how intelligent your wife is. How is your financial situations. I know some of these women if they have got the opportunity to bankrupt their husband, they will do it to TRAP them. In my situation my husband paralyzed me financially to trap me and if I hadn't my family's support I wouldn't able to be out and I almost lost everything due to my stupid trust to my husband and even I can't be a main carer to my son because I can't prove his insanity to the court as he is a psychiatrist himself! Mine was very difficult and took more than 3 years.

You need a male lawyer with very big %#%#, especially if you will go through custody issues! It will be hell but you will be glad when is over.

[livednlearned]

You need a male lawyer with very big %#%#, especially if you will go through custody issues! It will be hell but you will be glad when is over.

You need a lawyer who understands BPD... .not sure the gender matters. Mine was female, and she was excellent. I have full custody of my son.

Give your L a copy of Splitting and ask if he or she understands BPD. If he/she says yes, ask for details on how they handled the case.

[maxen]

my L is a woman, was a psych major, and i gave her the pdf 'BPD and the courts' from this site (also written by bill eddy). i've warned her about he sense of entitlement, which isn't mentioned in that pdf, though it is overall a good statement.

it is a pressure-filled decision, MHNW. it's an emotional step. try to think long-term though: filing first helps you.

[ForeverDad]

Also, if there is an event which can trigger a solid start to your case, that might help, don't gift it away.

You have to remember three things, okay, three hundred: (1) It's a marathon, not a sprint, always document since you don't know in advance what you might need later.  (2) Keep private matters confidential, you should not disclose sensitive strategies nor lawyer consultations nor give them up during interrogations, if the marriage is unwinding then sharing information is self-sabotage.  (3) Do not expect reciprocity - a disordered spouse will lambast you mercilessly despite your sense of fairness.

In my case, the last few months together was increasingly confrontational, I knew the End was approaching when she started looking at me suspiciously when I was caring for our preschooler.  (Actually she later made perverted allegations later post-separations - despite us having a boy and not a girl.)  She also said she would disappear and I'd never see my son again.  She even directly told him I didn't love him but she did.  Probably he didn't understand it since he was always daddy's boy.  So one day she raged and threatened to kill me.  I had my recorder on and I called 911.  She grabbed the handset, hung up my call and threw it in my direction, smashing it against a wall.  Then she again said she'd kill me.  Police came, spoke to us both.  One officer asked me to hand son, quietly sobbing in my arms, over to her.  He started screaming, clinging tighter to me - what child won't go to the mother? - and so I didn't.  The officer just looked at me for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.  I didn't realize it then but looking back I think my son's reactions saved me from a trip to jail.  Later my lawyer told me the policy is for someone to be carted away.  I later filed a police report and included my recording.  She was arrested and I was given temporary possession of our house.  She never returned except to get her things.  If I hadn't acted when I did I think she would have eventually found some way to force me out of the home.  Despite my proactive actions, when we went to family court, she got temp custody despite her having a pending Threat of DV case against her.  It took two years but I got equal time.  It took another 3 years to get custody.  It's been almost another 3 years and I'm seeking majority parenting time now.  It's been a long struggle, some 8 years, but frankly I had no other choice if I was to be a meaningful parent.

[ugghh]

There is a lot of wisdom in the post already made here.  I too struggled with the who should file question.  I kept thinking that if I let her do it, it would be easier because she would undoubtedly blame me and it would allow her to feel like she was in control.  After working through thing with my T I and discussing it with my lawyer, I realized it really doesn't matter that much who files first (at least where we live).  Exactly 8 days ago, I broke the news to her that I found the situation hopeless. I refused to participate in yet another recycle attempt as she attempted to guilt me into marriage counseling again, only this time with the "right" counselor.  Nope, done.

I was semi-prepared in that I had already contacted family about a place to stay and kind of prepped my kids without directly saying too much.  I left that night and have not been back since.  Have stayed in close contact with kids, but after a few strained phone calls, texts stbxw has split me full black and is wanting only email contact.  Sweet!

Funny thing is when I left I had not even talked to my lawyer in months.  I called him a couple days later and set appointment for  today.  In the meantime the stbxw has been on an absolute tear, actually even cleaning up the hoarder clutter she has collected in the house over the past few years, but that effort only lasted a day or two.  Then she turned her full energy to collecting information to get to her attorney.  Apparently she actually did want to race to the courthouse door.  My L said no worries. 

She actually sent me almost daily emails demanding information about this or that and that I drop everything to respond.  What an incredible feeling to know that she no longer had any power over me, I did not fear her rage response. As recommended I kept my responses short and factual.  "I understand your request for the last year of electric bills by 8 am tomorrow, however I am currently quite busy at work.  I believe I will be able to look that up this weekend." 

No anger, no hate, just a simple statement of fact and the realization that my response was normal and whatever her reaction was just that - her reaction.

[momtara]

you have a 1-year-old son.  do you want 50 percent custody?  most?  just a bit?  what you do early on may determine a lot of this, so do talk to lawyers.  if you leave the house, it may look worse for you, for instance.  you should make sure you are documenting how involved you are in his life.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi - Just wanted to share my experience.

If you file for divorce, they will begin looking for their new supply, if they haven't already.

Mine did, and as soon as he met wife #4, he signed the dissolution papers and walked away with nothing.

So in the end, I got what I wanted, which was away from him for the rest of my life and he didn't harm me financially.

Just a 16 month marriage, we'll see how long his next one lasts. 

[Pearl55]

Hi you've been so lucky! But do you think women with this disorder do these as well? I've been witnessing couple of these kind of divorces and how they destroyed their husbands financially! Although my husband replaced me but still destroyed me too.