Do BPD's freak if you don't chase

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex in the beginning I chased her, I wanted to be with her bad, she played hard to get, and one day, I remember her saying, you worked hard enough, and everything was good, and then of course a year later dumped out of the blue, and she asked me to never contact her again, that was in May, and of course I tried to change her mind, but only for a few days, with text, I never begged her to come back or pleaded with her, it was more, are you sure this is what you want, we were so close what happen.  Now she has started calling me again, the first time I did not recognize due to new number, so I answered, and asked who is this, and she said who do you think, so we talked and she said I will call you back.  She didn't, so I decided it was nice to talk to her, but I am not going to play this game, and give her power over me, when she called the yesterday, I did not answer and will continue not to answer her, I know I heard some get really aggressive, when you ignore them, and will leave for a while, but never leave permanently, because now even though she ended, and I'm not at her ready, to her I am abandoning her.  Anyone experience this?

[eclectic]

My ex in the beginning I chased her, I wanted to be with her bad, she played hard to get, and one day, I remember her saying, you worked hard enough, and everything was good, and then of course a year later dumped out of the blue, and she asked me to never contact her again, that was in May, and of course I tried to change her mind, but only for a few days, with text, I never begged her to come back or pleaded with her, it was more, are you sure this is what you want, we were so close what happen.  Now she has started calling me again, the first time I did not recognize due to new number, so I answered, and asked who is this, and she said who do you think, so we talked and she said I will call you back.  She didn't, so I decided it was nice to talk to her, but I am not going to play this game, and give her power over me, when she called the yesterday, I did not answer and will continue not to answer her, I know I heard some get really aggressive, when you ignore them, and will leave for a while, but never leave permanently, because now even though she ended, and I'm not at her ready, to her I am abandoning her.  Anyone experience this?

[Pretty Woman]

Question, so after she left you she changed her number? Mine had blocked me from everything.

Looks like yours might be sick of the replacement and is fishing, just my guess.

[eclectic]

Question, so after she left you she changed her number? Mine had blocked me from everything.

Looks like yours might be sick of the replacement and is fishing, just my guess.

I had no idea she changed her number, because I never tried to contact her.  It was more than a month after, because she called me a month after, then I never heard from her again, until now, and she called from a new #,  that is how i know she changed it

[fromheeltoheal]

The core of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment, so if you leave a borderline you will trigger her worst fear.  What happens a lot is when we relax into a relationship, as people do when they get comfortable, a borderline can interpret that as you leaving, since you aren't scampering around on edge catering to her every whim anymore, so she leaves you, a preemptive strike.

I left my borderline, and it caught her by surprise since our communication had completely melted down by that point.  One of her communication attempts after I left was an email that said in part "I wish I had been self-aware and realized that a romantic relationship just wasn't there for me, then we could have had that difficult situation", which was her way of saying that she should have left me before I left her, therefore avoiding the abandonment.

She didn't, so I decided it was nice to talk to her, but I am not going to play this game, and give her power over me, when she called the yesterday, I did not answer and will continue not to answer her, I know I heard some get really aggressive, when you ignore them, and will leave for a while, but never leave permanently, because now even though she ended, and I'm not at her ready, to her I am abandoning her.  Anyone experience this?

You guys are still emotionally enmeshed, which is fine if that's what you want, if not, it's best to sever ties so you can get your feet on the ground and heal.  If you start to focus exclusively on you, she will notice, and may hit you with an extinction burst of contact attempts, really a borderline panicking against abandonment.  Also, borderlines can harbor reunion fantasies with all of their exes, whether it's practical or possible or not, another symptom of the disorder.

[Pretty Woman]

Interesting.  Well rarely they leave without a game plan (replacement) lined up.

[eclectic]

Interesting.  Well rarely they leave without a game plan (replacement) lined up.

If she is seeing someone, maybe she is planning her exit, and trying to line me up, and if I don't take the bait, I guess he will get a few more months, until she finds someone else

[seeking balance]

Interesting.  Well rarely they leave without a game plan (replacement) lined up.

If she is seeing someone, maybe she is planning her exit, and trying to line me up, and if I don't take the bait, I guess he will get a few more months, until she finds someone else

people with BPD have an unstable sense of self.  One technique in managing those feelings of not having a stable sense of self is seen in mirroring.  Coupled with fromhealtoheals accurate abandonment comments - the replacement is not really about you - it is about managing the intense feeling of not having a stable sense of self, mirroring someone as a means of coping. 

The disorder is not about you - it hurts you - but the managing of the abandonment and unstable sense of self feelings is not about you.

[simplyasiam]

i cant speak for all ppl with BPD but with my BPD g/f i can speak for. over the years ive learned that the more i chase her the colder she gets and the longer she stays gone. our r/s is such a reck now i dont think we can ever rebuild anything from it.

the longer you stay in a r/s with someone that has BPD and is untreated the worse things become. the harder it is to get out and the longer the healing takes.

[Pretty Woman]

SimplyAsian,

   Is she with a replacement?

[simplyasiam]

well shes not txting me and not online so im sure she is with him. its become a sick mess she gos back and forth with us. 2 or three days with him a couple weeks with me.