He hasnt visited the kids in 5 months ... why?

[awomanlearning]

Ex left in May new love of his life 13 year marriage gone he moved 3 hours away. His visited every weekend in the beginning then middle of July after he brought his girlfriend down and was verbally abusive to me police call etc he came down for his sons first day of school September 12th stayed an hour *poof gone* That was the last the children saw of him 3 months ago. He Skype's on a Sunday night due the  councillor stating our daughter couldn't handle almost daily contact ( he didn't Skype everyday and if he didn't she never got an explanation)

My question is how do they cut off their own children is this normal behaviour. Yes he Skype's but that isn't real contact iv begged him to come see them more often to which even our daughter got endless excuses. Do they know they are even doing this, that they are causing emotional distress or is this an attempt to hide from their own feelings? or punishing the spouse they blame for the end result.

But mainly do they change calm down see the big picture? and put they children before themselves?

[ForeverDad]

Pushing for the other parent to change, in this case to be more involved, using doesn't work or end well.  A pwBPD (person with BPD - or even some other PD such as Narcissism) can't keep up a public face for long, eventually it crumbles back to the person's prior behavior zone.

I may be wrong in this but of those parents who become members here I seem to note that the parents who distance themselves are more likely to be fathers.  Whether it's a gender thing or that society does or a combination of factors, that's how it seems to be.  In one respect you should be a little relieved that he's not like some of the more extreme, oppressive fathers described here.  So it's okay to want him to be more involved.  But he's distracted now, his life is elsewhere with a new adult partner.  Whether that will last is anyone's guess.  So I'd suggest you be open to him having more parental contact yet not hounding him about it.

That he's been claiming you're blocking him from parental contact is a concern.  Be sure to document what does and doesn't happen regarding his parenting calls or visits.  And of course never ever lose your temper and rage at him or in any way give him an edge to claim you're either blocking him or are an unfit mother.  While you shouldn't go out of your way to be nice - knowing your niceness or fairness probably won't be truly appreciated or reciprocated by a pwBPD - it's good to live by a reasonably normal standard so you can always hold your head high, knowing you've been true to yourself without sabotaging yourself either.

Yet he's already blaming you to your child, not surprising and not right of course but hard to deal with.  Communication, help with skills and validation are very important for you child.  She needs to realize and accept that her other parent is who he is, however limited that behavior set may be.  Above all else, she should not blame herself for the marriage's failure nor her distant relationship with her other parent.  (That sense of self-guilt is a real risk and yet the child will not easily inform you or share that sense of guilt with you, in fact she may not even recognize it or be able to describe it.)  Next to that, she needs to learn maintain firm boundaries with him, to protect herself and to avoid her being drawn into the adult issues, something he's already doing.

So far, you've been doing well.  Keep it up.  Just don't expect too much from him and don't push for more contact than is appropriate or, if less, than he chooses to do.  You can't make him a good parent.  Maybe a little, but not all that much, not unless he's in progressing therapy.