Christmas plans shattered.

[Kate4queen]

Son #3 the 20 yr old was supposed to be coming out to Hawaii this Wednesday to share Christmas with us. My DD (11yrs old) and I haven't seen him for 6 months, and we've both been so excited that he was coming, planning what to do, buying his gifts.

He facebooked my DH today to say he wouldn't be coming because his new part time job wouldn't give him the time off for Xmas… 2 days before he's due,

(Note we booked this flight a month ago and he was fine with it.)

Of course, this isn't really about the job at all, it's another example of BPD son #2 who lives with son #3 stopping him from having any contact with us due to his own abandonment issues and black and white thinking.

Son #2 hasn't seen us for over a year because he walked out of our house and our lives saying he never wanted to be part of our family again. We pay him a monthly allowance and he lives with his bro. He has physical disabilities and BPD which makes it extremely difficult to deal with his raging, demands for money, addictions, threats…you name it we've dealt with it.

Of course son #3 is using the part time job as an excuse not to come because he is afraid to leave his brother home alone at Christmas. He is still ruled by his fear of his bro losing his temper. I suppose it is easier for him to deny us contact with him than confront his brother but he cannot see that. It came out in the conversation that son #3 couldn't understand why we hadn't invited son #2 to join us. Son #3 has no idea about the email communications I get from his bro, the hate, the demands for money, the rage when I won't give in to his demands. And even when I tried to explain that asking his bro to come over to our home brings me out in an anxiety attack he doesn't get it. He knows what its like he lived through years of this abuse and yet he can't even give us 3 weeks at xmas to enjoy his company.

He's drunk the kool-aid and his brother is winning. I feel like I'm in a war, which I didn't start and don't know the rules of.

We made him speak to his sister on the phone and tell her why he couldn't come over. She cried. We all cried but son #3 didn't waver in his decision. So we've refunded the ticket and we're just going to keep moving on.

When son #2 left last year telling me I was the root cause of all his problems it was a blow to the heart. This feels like another one.

I am so sad right now... .

Will son #3 ever see our side of the issue or have we lost him?

I just don't know anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Kate4queen,

I'm so sorry about your son not coming for Christmas. Christmas is such a special time for family and it's sad that son #3 isn't able to share that with you all this year.   It must be really hurtful that he's decided not to come and I agree that it probably isn't the job.  What about showing him the emails so he understands what you are going through?  I also wonder if son 2 is different with son 3 away from the rest of the family.  As far as your question goes, only time will tell if your son will come back to you.  Make sure you're using the tools of communication with both of your sons.  SET, validation, setting those boundaries with kindness and love.  It really is hard to get past the hurt and anger and only focus on what you bring to the conversation.  How far along are you with learning to use the tools?   

BTW, I volunteer to be daughter #1!   Hey mom!  Where's my ticket to Hawaii?  I'll bring tons of presents for my little sis!

-crazed

[six]

K4Q, this is so heartbreaking for you and your family. what a major disappointment for you and your dh and your dd!  Your son #3 sounds like a good-hearted soul who is torn between his loyalty to you and his sympathy for your son#2.  such a difficult, no-win situation for all of you.

I feel like I'm in a war, which I didn't start and don't know the rules of.

I am so sad right now... .

Will son #3 ever see our side of the issue or have we lost him?

I just don't know anymore.

I feel like a starting point for you would be to reframe the terms of the game.  you are not in a war, that is the way that pwBPD frame things.  with my son, everything is a battle and the only way it can end is with his victory. every time I try to discuss anything with him he escalates the terms of the conversation and I have to keep reminding myself, I am not fighting a battle, I am trying to be a loving person in the midst of a hellish nightmare.  we do not have to accept their vision of the world that life is a big battlefield   rather, we have been placed in difficult situations and all of our children are in this difficult place with us.  but we can set the terms.  this is not a war.  your #3 son does not have to choose sides.   you are a family and you are all (hopefully) working toward common goals, such as each person's wellbeing, even tho at times it does not appear to be so.

I think it is important to start communicating that even tho you can not all be together for xmas, you are sending messages of love and support to all of your children (even the dsBPD) and hoping that in future years, the situation will be different.  let your #3 son know how much you will miss him and how disappointed you are that he is not coming, and that he cancelled the trip at the last minute. also, try to validate his feeling that he should stay with his brother for the holiday.  there is kindness inherent in that choice (who would want to give up a trip to Hawaii?). I can imagine my kids doing exactly the same thing if they were in the situation you described.  they will never abandon BPDs not matter how impossible he becomes. 

the end of the story has not been written.  so much changes with BPD.  there is plenty of hope for the future. don't give up

[Kate4queen]

Thank you guys.

And Six, as usual you are right. I need to step back and reframe this and not play into my BPD son's world view.

We've already packed up son #3's present from his sister and sent it on. And separately, we sent a card to both sons wishing them a Happy Christmas.

That's it, and done without any anger and no passive aggressive snide remarks, or anything.

I think I will email son #3 and commend him for wanting to be with his brother when I can do it in a positive validating way. I'm feeling better about everything today and not allowing my hurt and seeing my dh's and dd's hurt to overwhelm me and make me lash out.

[six]

K4Q, good for you!  At the end of the day, all we can control is our own reaction.  You carried the day by sending out the gifts and wishing your sons well.   I hope the holidays bring you peace and happiness (and a great tan!).

[peaceplease]

Kate4queen,

I am late stepping into this post, but I want to tell you that I am sorry you will be missing your sons this year.   I am with crazedncrazymom in coming to Hawaii!

And, well done, Kate in sending out gifts with good wishes!

I hope you can be at peace and enjoy Christmas with your dd.

peace  

[angeldust1]

Dear Dear Kate, I soo.  feel your pain,   and it seems everything is worse at Christmas.

  But... .why are you rewarding such behavior.  If son # 3 is so hostile,  why are you paying for this.  He simply does not deserve it.  If he "hates" you so much ( which or course he does not,  he hates himself and it is much easier to project this on to you) REMEMBER... .  this is not your fault.  You did nothing to cause him to have this.   You are simply his target to aim his anger at ... .mainly because you are the only one who will take it!

Let him struggle on his own,  disabilities or no disability.  He can at least be civil to you,  and at the very least allow his brother to have a nice Christmas.  And... .don't think for a moment that he isn't controlling his brother as well. I would  be surprised if he did not threaten his brother not to come. Sounds to me like he's got the whole family under control.

I would be much  more concerned about the son living with the pwBPD.  This sounds like a controlling, awfully dysfunctional  environment.  Why not check with a therapist if this is healthy for #2 son.  If so and your #3 son is so disabled let him go to a group home where he can really get the help he needs and reap some consequences for some of these actions. He wrote you off, let him see how it feels to have parents he wrote off, it was his idea, right?     I understand I am not his mother,  and easy for me to give out advice,  but I can tell you this,  if my son were destitute and treating me this way,  he would stay destitute.

My son  has diabetes and he can pay for his own meds and take care of himself or he can come to me in a loving way and ask for help.  as you can tell I believe in tough love,    because IT WORKS! I am giving my son a Christmas present this year because it makes me feel better.  What it does for him,  is not the reason I am doing it.  I have learned to take care of myself,  took years,  but better late than never.   I've done all I can for him, with nothing but rejection.   Just how long are we supposed to support our adult (children) ?

After I'd found a place for my disabled son,  I would tell him ... .and send only monies to the home or wherever he is.   I don't know to what extent his disabilities are but it sounds like he is using them to control everyone!  Would you allow a stranger to do this to you?  Then why allow your son? 

I'm not meaning to sound so harsh,  but come on,   how much more can he do but "hate you"? threaten you,  demand money and rage at you.     

No,  I don't believe you will loose son #2 if you can get him away from this environment,  but if he is left to son #3,  devices,  he just might get son# 2 over to his side.

True story:

I once knew a family that had a son that was "disabled" he was physically abusive to both his parents I mean very physical,   battered his father with cancer, spit on him and beat him down, this is extreme,  but both parents have died since (I'm not quite sure how)?   and it seems he is doing just fine now,  and his disability is much better---- now that he has no one to vent on or to abuse. 



Once his sister asked how he could be so horrible to her parents,  parents who loved him so much, and gave into his every wish?    and his answer was,  I'm not horrible,  how dare you,  I'VE HAVENT KILLED THEM OR ANY ONE ELSE... .YET. 

Kate I know these are some pretty harsh words to hear right now,  but you need to realize who is the parent here and who is the child.  BPD or not... .disability or not.  He is controlling his brother,  you and your husband... .is your daughter next?   This is certainly  not healthy for him,  nor the rest of you,  and certainly not the son living in such an environment. 

Why should 4 people give up their freedom/life for one,  especially if it not helping.

Please forgive me if these words hurt,  they probably will,  but remember we are here to help nonBP's to see what we cannot see.

We are lost in our love for them and their disorder.   When we are in the midst of the fog,  we truly can't see the forest for the trees.

I hope even without your #2 son you can find a way to have a nice Christmas for your daughter and yourselves,   she deserves it,  and so do you.  Christmas is a time of loving and sharing, not just for the people who treat us badly,   but for those who love us. It is human nature to feel sorry for them  I do too,    but there comes a point,  that our needs should be met as well.



My husbands motto is love the ones that love you back,  and you'll be ok.  The rest obviously don't want your love.  I have found it much easier when I think this way.  God bless and Merry Christmas .   

Sorry,  didn't mean to write you a novel,  but you sound like you need some help and I hope this brought a little light.  You all are good decent people who deserve so much more than you are getting.  Love yourselves,  you need it.

[pessim-optimist]

The holidays definitely have a way of making our hurts of navigating our difficult relationships hurt more... .

I think that in voicing your diappointment that you will not be seeing him, but respecting his decision as he is an adult, AND sending the gifts/cards let the sons know that you care... .

I know, it is hard to watch your dd be disappointed. Maybe you can re-frame it for her? If her brothers were married, they would probably be spending their Christmas with their spouses (her bros are adults, and it is always sad for younger siblings to miss their older ones at family holidays - she is not alone)... .

Angeldust - I think it is a tough job for us as parents to sort out what part of our feelings is caused due to the past lack of our boundaries (we did not protect ourselves from abuse); and what part is caused by our present sadness and compassion for the siblings and our BPD child, and wanting to make it all work, while we can't control those outcomes, we only control our own actions... .

Anger inevitably surfaces - anger is normally a good emotion, a signal that we need to change something. When we are faced with these situations and are not sure what the solution would be, and it is frustrating and maddening. That built up tension can even threaten our health... .

What can we do to help ourselves through these emotions, and feel better at the end of the day?