Today's court report: Case management/Deception

[oblivian2013]

Since I have a protection order against me, I asked the metal detector guy where I should wait, he said right here is fine. A few minutes later my wife walks in with my escort/replacement, a few inches taller with thinning hair. They walked right upstairs while I waited for my attorney. A few minutes later her escort strolls down the hall and leaves. My attorney arrives and we go upstairs and there's a young woman looking for my wife. She was filling in for my wife's attorney, who apparently had more pressing business. I pointed to a conference room, but thinking back, probably shouldn't have been so helpful, but that's my nature.

I can't say he was my replacement, who knows? I remember some time ago when my wife said that her family (kids) were upset because she was seeing someone else while divorcing her first husband. She said, "What difference does it make now?" Foreshadowing, perhaps? Like when a while back she said that, "If I ever arrive with the cops you'll know it is over." Yes, she was that sadistic.

New judge this time. Asks about mediation. My attorney didn't see the need for it, but they insisted. Since my wife refused our counter offer, then there isn't much to negotiate. She wants me to sell the house, which I bought with my inheritance, but foolishly put us both on the deed. I guess mediation in Jan or Feb. Then maybe the trial in March, or our 3rd anniversary

My attorney had never met her in person before. Afterwards she said she was picturesque, but looks very angry, in decline, ten years older than me. I had color in my cheeks, she had none. She has been in decline since last February after SI when I suggested we talk about a divorce. That led to her stay at the Psych Hospital and six-plus months Intensive Out Patient therapy. Last I knew she was on a daily regiment of clonozepam, zoloft, prazosin, and nortripyline. Who knows what they are giving her now. All I know is that they destroyed my marriage... .pause, radical acceptance. It is more than likely that she moved to a confidential location, and then filed a protection order against me, so that she could have an affair with someone she met at the hospital.

I could tell she was hurt because she thinks I rejected her. We both have abandonment issues she chose to leave first. I think what she really wanted was a therapeutic separation, but couldn't explain it to me. There was blame shifting, the onus was on me to stop drinking. No validation of the progress I have made. I've to see three T's and none have suggested rehab, like my wife wanted. I am taking DBT and wish I (we) had sooner, as it could have saved our marriage. I highly recommend it to all. Sad to see our love affair vanish into oblivion, the pain in my heart is unbearable at times.

My attorney says I need to ask my current T about deception, and how it fits into my marriage. Was I played all along? My T said before that PD's can't plan ahead like that, but she's had a lot of practice. My attorney says that if she can get SSDI, subsidized housing, a free lawyer, etc., then I was fair game.

[momtara]

This is rough.  I can tell you miss her and wish it didn't have to be this way.  It's a messed up situation because you do both have abandonment issues and maybe you have some love for each other, or once did.  However, second guessing what could have been doesn't work.  My ex-husband never wanted our divorce and yet once a month he'd do some awful thing that pushed me in the direction of divorce.  It's cruel that this illness, which stems from abandonment issues, causes people to actually push away those they love and who care about them.  But what can you do?  It's risky to stay with someone who is so hurtful.  I forget it you said you have kids, but that makes things riskier.  You try to play nice with her and then she tricks you out of custody.

Maybe writing out a letter to her would help, not sending it, of course.  Just trying to write out your feelings.

The things you wrote seem very sensible.  I'm surprised you are doing dbt, but I guess it does help.  Trying to get someone like her into it is very hard.  Again, it's such a cruel illness.

I will guess that you did offer her chances to get back together early on, but she scuttled them.  What can you do?  It's the nature of the illness.

Hang in there.  You need a hug.

[livednlearned]

New judge this time. Asks about mediation. My attorney didn't see the need for it, but they insisted. Since my wife refused our counter offer, then there isn't much to negotiate. She wants me to sell the house, which I bought with my inheritance, but foolishly put us both on the deed. I guess mediation in Jan or Feb. Then maybe the trial in March, or our 3rd anniversary

My attorney says that if she can get SSDI, subsidized housing, a free lawyer, etc., then I was fair game.

Ending the relationship is very painful. You sound so very sad and despondent in your post, taking blame for the end of the relationship, it seems. It's good that you have a T, and peer support here to help you through this.

Are you able to take in what your L is saying? Divorce is when we relearn how to take care of ourselves, alone, without someone else. If we aren't careful, we can make agreements out of guilt that affect us for a long, long time.

How are you preparing for mediation? What is your attorney saying about worse-case scenario and likely scenario?

[oblivian2013]

I am not sure what the worst case might be. Most people say for a marriage only 2.5 years won't qualify her for much, especially since she contributed so little and was gone on and off for 9+ months. My T says it is not so much deception, BPD is all about falling in love, then when love starts slipping, they are all about taking whatever they can, encouraged by those around them.

Today he said I have PTSD.

[livednlearned]

I am not sure what the worst case might be. Most people say for a marriage only 2.5 years won't qualify her for much, especially since she contributed so little and was gone on and off for 9+ months. My T says it is not so much deception, BPD is all about falling in love, then when love starts slipping, they are all about taking whatever they can, encouraged by those around them.

Today he said I have PTSD.

It sounds like your T is helping you work through the emotional issues of your divorce. Maybe something to work on is what you hope to get out of mediation -- because that can be a point in the divorce where guilt and other emotions sabotage what is essentially the end of a contract. What's your best-case scenario? It's a good idea to go into mediation with a plan so you aren't caught reacting emotionally to offers and counter-offers. Find out how your mediation is supposed to run. Will you be in the same room? Is the mediation binding? What are you hoping to accomplish (best-case scenario), what are you willing to settle for, and what is worst-case scenario. Not all lawyers are good at negotiation, and your L may lead you by the nose if you don't have a clear sense of what you want.

A lot of us, especially early in our healing, sabotage ourselves in the divorce process because we're in a whole boatload of FOG. So having peer support and a therapist help you think about the contractual part of your divorce may help you focus on the emotional parts, but keep that separate so you come out of this with a fair outcome.

[Matt]

What are the issues to be considered in mediation?

Custody?

The house?

Alimony?

Child support?

Division of assets?

Anything else?

Remember, this is a legal/financial/business arrangement now - practical matters.  It's mostly about finding out how the process works, and gathering the information, and presenting it according to the court's expectations.  Not about whose fault everything was, or who could have done what differently, etc.

[livednlearned]

New judge this time. Asks about mediation. My attorney didn't see the need for it, but they insisted. Since my wife refused our counter offer, then there isn't much to negotiate.

This caught my attention. Your attorney didn't see the need for it. They insisted. They got their way.

So pay close attention if this is a pattern. You might have an L who is not willing to stand up for you. If mediation is not necessary, then why agree to it?

[broken3]

mediation worked in my favor.

they put out ridiculous demands.

Mine were extremely fair.

My lawyer and I were very calm and professional.

When the exBPD started flipping out in front of the judge. Throwing a tantrum.

She was scolded by the judge and told to get therapy.

Months later while she was trying to get more custody.

the judge remembered the case and what happened.

Guess who won almost everything.

[livednlearned]

mediation worked in my favor.

they put out ridiculous demands.

Mine were extremely fair.

My lawyer and I were very calm and professional.

When the exBPD started flipping out in front of the judge. Throwing a tantrum.

She was scolded by the judge and told to get therapy.

Months later while she was trying to get more custody.

the judge remembered the case and what happened.

Guess who won almost everything.

Wait, what? Your mediation involved a judge?

[Matt]

If mediation is not necessary, then why agree to it?

Some reasons that mediation might be a good idea - in some cases - even if it's not required by the court:

* It may look unreasonable if you don't agree to it.

* It may allow you to resolve some issues - even one small issue! - and that could reduce the cost of the legal process.

* It may allow you to hear the stories the other party is telling, and understand the other party's strategy.

* You may get some good ideas from the mediator, like win/win solutions to some of the issues.  Even if those aren't agreed to by the other party, they can become part of your proposal.

[broken3]

lnl.

Yes my mediation had the custody judge present.

Initially my ex filed for custody to get only my little one.

Judge asks if we can do mediation. I tell my lawyer yes. But please request judge be present.

We immediately go into back room with judge.

5 minutes later she blew her cork.

The same judge is handling our divorce. BTW, the judge is female and remembers my STBXW very well.

[livednlearned]

lnl.

Yes my mediation had the custody judge present.

Initially my ex filed for custody to get only my little one.

Judge asks if we can do mediation. I tell my lawyer yes. But please request judge be present.

We immediately go into back room with judge.

5 minutes later she blew her cork.

The same judge is handling our divorce. BTW, the judge is female and remembers my STBXW very well.

Interesting to have the judge observe mediation. What is your sense about how the judge perceives the situation?

[broken3]

lnl,

I know exactly how the judge saw it.

PFA'S all dismissed. CPS cases dismissed. I was working, paying bills, getting my kids to school, taking them to doctors, taking them to therapy etc.

Ex demanded more time with only our 10 year old son. Not the two teenage daughters. Judge questioned why only your son?

... .silence.

Then judge asked ok what days and what times?

... .silence.

Judge gave a few minutes to respond. Left the mediation table.

When judge came back. There was the EX in the hallway having a meltdown and yelling in front of my 10 year old.

Judge witnessed it first hand. Then proceeded to scold my ex. And denied everything and advised her she had anger issues and needs therapy.

I think I said only about 5 words the whole mediation. My ex did all the work for me!

Her sense of entitlement. And because she gave birth was all she came prepared with. Feelings equal reality to her.

Typical tantrum... .I want... .I want... .I want... .(stomps foot on ground)

[broken3]

lnl and oblivion,

Just wanted to add that my ex not only believes in entitlement, but also has a problem with authority and does not believe in thinking about any answers presented. She is accustomed to just blurting out whatever her emotion is at that very second. Whether it be snide comments like "you're a freaking joke", "bullhit",or rolling the eyes and laughing.

She will do it whenever and wherever she wants. Even in front of a judge.

I knew this about her. And if any of your exes are like mine. I knew it would not be long before she showed her true colors.

So the mediation was a great opportunity to show the judge what I was dealing with.

Instead of lawyers posturing in a formal courtroom where the judge has to base the decision on what the lawyers are presenting. It showed the judge in a less formal setting who the crazy one was.