One year out

[Blessed0329]

It has been one year since the last time I laid eyes on my ex, and that was only briefly as I was at a red light, and startled to see him turning in front of me. It has been 14 months since we had a conversation face-to-face, and 13 months since we spoke on the phone. Even though he continues to contact me sporadically by email and social media, the contacts are brief and cordial.

I think I am finally over him. I still think about him too much, but not the ruminations as before. I don't long and ache for him any more, and that is a relief.

I am aware, however, that any real contact will start it back up for me, and for him. He did both of us a favor by carefully avoiding  such contact. And from what I can see from his Recent FB postings, it appears he is finally reaching a point of hope as well.

During this past year +, as I struggled to disentangle myself emotionally, and as I struggled to understand what happened, I learned a few things.

First, my ex saw me as a kind of vending machine, there to dispense for him whatever he might need. He still does, which is what drives his communications. I believe he remains fond of this vending machine, but previously was annoyed when it also expressed needs of its own.

Second, I thought I had worked through all of my childhood anger and hurt regarding my dad. I see I have not.

Third, obsessing about my ex filled so much of my time and emotions, that I did not have to stop and consider just how lonely I am, since both my parents died, my sister and her family moved states away, and now my son and his family (with my only grandchild) moved even further away. Wow, I really AM quite lonely. It is really uncomfortable.

Anyway, there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, I was not married to my ex, I was one of his various emotional affairs, but one that he has not really been able to shake. So, take heart, my fellow BPD-entangled friends, there IS hope. And they DID care, as much as they were able to.

[necchi]

Great to hear you are doing well !

Really hope you are right about the caring part, has much as I remember the times she showed she care, they're so much that tells me wrong

[heartandwhole]

Blessed,

I resonate with a lot of what you wrote, thank you for sharing. I like your analogy about the vending machine.  I believe that need is the great motivator in these relationships!  I include my own twisted concepts of love and need in there, too.

I'm so glad that you are feeling some hope again.  At one year out, I was, too.  Some months later, I started to feel even better, and that was a surprise, so I wish that for you, too. 

[patientandclear]

... .my ex saw me as a kind of vending machine, there to dispense for him whatever he might need. He still does, which is what drives his communications. I believe he remains fond of this vending machine, but previously was annoyed when it also expressed needs of its own.

Blessed, I've used exactly this vending machine metaphor.  Makes me say "aha" that you do, too.  It is confirming that these really are very similar experiences.  A wise poster named Chihiro from the Staying Board told me last year when I shared my vending machine image, in a post where I was trying to decide if that was abusive or not, that this vending machine arrangement is that of a primary attachment figure, e.g., the mom.  He comes to you, gets stuff, goes away, comes back, you're still here!  The going away is actually part of the learning experience they are having with you.  Tough for the vending machine, though.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Excellent post! 

My vending machine is out of business