New Relationship

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey Guys,

I've been really enjoying reading all your posts and all the time I've spent on here, you have literally saved my life and made the life I have a much happier, more enriched one.

The past six months have been so healing after much back and forth not quite sure if I was wrong or my mother I know for certain that she has NPD and my life has been so much smoother and I've really embraced lifes riches.

So I'm in a new relationship and I've sort of announced it to my family publicly but I'm still worried about what my mother will say. She's very fixated on status, money etc she once told me that I'm an attractive asset and I should give myself to the man who bids the highest for me.

The guy I'm seeing is from work so we're both the same age, on the same salary and emotionally very compatible but I know she's going to take issue with him. How do I present him to the family without her starting an awful smear campaign against him?

[zubizou87]

Hey Guys,

I've been really enjoying reading all your posts and all the time I've spent on here, you have literally saved my life and made the life I have a much happier, more enriched one.

The past six months have been so healing after much back and forth not quite sure if I was wrong or my mother I know for certain that she has NPD and my life has been so much smoother and I've really embraced lifes riches.

So I'm in a new relationship and I've sort of announced it to my family publicly but I'm still worried about what my mother will say. She's very fixated on status, money etc she once told me that I'm an attractive asset and I should give myself to the man who bids the highest for me.

The guy I'm seeing is from work so we're both the same age, on the same salary and emotionally very compatible but I know she's going to take issue with him. How do I present him to the family without her starting an awful smear campaign against him?

[Clearmind]

zubizou, this man is your choosing not Mum's.

Are you concerned about this status, how much he earns?

hit

Borderlines will and do pick fault in anyone - they will judge regardless. Remind yourself that Mum's opinion is skewed.

Boundaries are important and its up to you to set boundaries with your family if they step over the line. There must be consequences.

[StarStruck]

Hi zubizou87,

Grab this opportunity with both hands.

(It's fantastic that you are happy with your new partner, congratulations. Not an easy feet to break the cycle in the family.)

I can imagine that you're Mom won't sway your opinion but may have it in her to make him/you feel uncomfortable some how, when you meet. You are no doubt anxious about that bit. WELL STUFF HER.

This is a great opportunity and I think essential to nip this in the bud. Any odd or judgmental behavior - do not stand for it.

You're on his side now... .It will be good for you both, for your Mom to realize that at the beginning - stick up for your lovely man. Don't let the witch get her claws in.

Stay confident you have a lot to be proud of... .sounds like you have stemmed the rot of the 'Narc family tree trickle down'.

Good Luck - SHOW him off

x

[zubizou87]

Thanks guys

You know I do get the odd  hopping about in my brain and find myself fixating on the strangest, insignificant things.

In the case of my relationship we are very compatible because of our age, job and interests plus absolutely crazy about each other. The only thing that isn't perfect is that he is a little bit shorter than me.

I'm a tall skinny 5'10 and he is about 5'8-9 with a muscular build so we don't exactly fit the whole petite teeny doll and tall man typecast that our society seems so fixated on.

I'm really embarrassed to admit that I can be so shallow but before I knew about NPD I was so obsessed with what other people thought of me. I used to date guys who were much taller than me, even if we didn't have much in common just so that when I walked down the street with them it would look right and I wouldn't be judged by people, isn't that the most ridiculous thing? That projecting this perfect 'picture window' idea of a couple would protect me from being shamed.

Anyway I'm trying to work past it and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

xxx

[StarStruck]

zubizou87...

It will get better... its because you were brought up by judgmental parenting.

No doubt you are probably just as hard on yourself with imperfections, real or scruntinized ones. Obviously the height one being obvious for all (your Mom) to see.

Just keep telling yourself it doesn't matter none of it... .look right past it.

Narcissism and modern society go very well together in implanting the rot, so to speak. This being a trap. It makes us not feel worthy for being normal. Narc's/average minded/BPD's ride on these insecurities. Markets (like fashion) are created out of this bull rubbish.

Break free - if you succeed and re learn how to think through the eyes of you as a child, you will be a more balanced person.

Leave the judgement to the insecure, and sometimes nasty people.

You will re learn how to think in time.

Hard to start with because you almost hear your mothers voice - REMEMBER you are NOT her.

You can do this. Sounds like you are starting on a brand new road of discovery of yourself... .very exciting. Good Luck.

[Clearmind]

I would find fault in partners because my father found fault in me when I was a child. It was how I thought I had to relate. Now I realise that yes, fleas, certainly can cause us (me) to nit pick my partners rather than let go of control and love them for who they show themselves to be…I would want the same!

Being a child of a Borderline has brought much insecurity to my dating life - I have now since learnt to relinquish my childhood conditioning and not push men away with the "you are not perfect" stance.

You are on the right track Zub - you understand it which is 99% of the battle. Remind yourself often to let your man be himself and don't concern yourself about what Mum thinks - Mum could control you as a young girl and now its time for you to take charge.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi zbuizou,

I'm really embarrassed to admit that I can be so shallow but before I knew about NPD I was so obsessed with what other people thought of me. I used to date guys who were much taller than me, even if we didn't have much in common just so that when I walked down the street with them it would look right and I wouldn't be judged by people, isn't that the most ridiculous thing? That projecting this perfect 'picture window' idea of a couple would protect me from being shamed.

Does being with him make you happy? Do you see him in your future for a long time? It's very common to worry about what other people think, and since you grew up with a mother with BPD/NPD, you're even more sensitive to that fear. Clearmind is right--this is about how you feel about him, though, and not what your mother, or anyone else, thinks. 

It's true--there's no perfect relationship, even with the "perfect picture" couples. No one is perfect. You have to decide if you can see past his flaws and love him for who he is and not what you wish he could be.   What does your gut tell you?

[Sitara]

I understand.  My husband and I started out as friends, largely because I didn't think he was good enough for me.  He is average height (which is just an inch taller than me - no heels for me!), stocky build and pretty average looking.  He was working a minimum wage job and living in his parent's basement.  He didn't go to college, and I was.  I thought I was too good for him.  So instead of dating this guy who treated me with respect, listened to me, was more intelligent than most of the guys who could afford to pay for college, I dated a manipulative, abusing cheater who made me feel like dirt because he was muscular, in school, and the type of guy I thought I should be with.

My husband was the first person in my life who unconditionally loved me despite all my flaws, and it scared the heck out of me.

It's hard to accept people for who they are when you spent your whole life with someone who mercilessly picks apart other people.  I eventually decided to let myself be happy and focus on the good things about our relationship, and he's been a source of stability and unconditional love.

My mom actually liked him at first.  It was years before she started treating him like "family."

The guy I'm seeing is from work so we're both the same age, on the same salary and emotionally very compatible but I know she's going to take issue with him. How do I present him to the family without her starting an awful smear campaign against him?

Hey guys, this is my boyfriend _____.  So what's for dinner?

Try not to give any easy openings.  Don't ask her what she thinks and set it forth as fact.  If she has a less than stellar opinion, you don't have to spend time together with her.  Spend time with the other family members.  If they see him being a great guy, it would be harder for them to believe her lies.

When it comes down to it, it's about you and your boyfriend and the two of you being happy.  Enjoy it!

[zubizou87]

Thanks guys you've all really put things into perspective for me, I always find the start of a new relationship difficult because I'm struggling with my desire to be self destructive. On some level I always felt like if I was isolated and weak and vulnerable at least I was doing some thing right because when I was happy with friends or a boyfriend it made my mum miserable. I was trying to earn her love with my unhappiness but really nothing will make her happy so I might as well have a good life.

The height thing is still playing on my mind, crazy I know but it's just an area that gives my insecurities a voice, I'm sure most people don't notice but in my mind I'm convinced everyone is laughing at how weird we look walking down the street together. It makes me so sad because I'm in this really good relationship and I'm going to mess it up if I'm not careful or hurting this guy with how superficial I can be.

Gah!

I'm just hoping things will get better with time

xx