Help me interpret this latest email, should I reply?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As many of you know, I have been struggling after 5 months no contact. I told myself that I would engage the next time she contacted me. It appears that she only feels like lack of communication and engagement was the problem as opposed to BPD related issues. Is it even worth it to tell her I believe our problems come from deep personality issues? The fact that she's confused as to why it didn't work tells me that she'll never get it.

I can't describe the pain I feel, I keep trying to make sense of all this. I know it was a time when I check out of the relationship, and because of that you feel our relationship is not repairable.  I'm sure you notice a change in me around that time.  I was tired all the time, my energy level went down. I found out that I was going through a depression.  I Knew something was wrong, just didn't know what.  I've never been that type of person that didn't want to get out, and hate it when other people sleep their life always. And here I was doing the same thing.  We figure out that after the long drawn out divorce and the custody arrangement I went through a depression.  You know I keep things in.  So I just got more depress and didn't have any fight in me.  So I had to go back to court, and now he only gets them one weekend out of the month. Now my energy is back.  I love being back to my old self again. I'm loving it!   The girls keep me busy all the time now.  I'm telling you this because of all people you should know how it feels not to be able to spend quality time with your kids.  I don't keep things in anymore and I say how I feel.  My communication coach have taught me the art of communication, and how to do it affectedly. You know I catch on to things really fast.  So Frustrated B/F  I just been in denial for the last few months. I always felt like we would get this right.  I have a lot of love for you Frustrated B/F !  I always wanted you to realize that our relationship was worth it and we would turn this around, and we could have a passionate, loving, caring, strong, and powerful friendship.  And that would make a great partnership!  It takes a lot of commitment  and dedication on both people part at the same time. I don't know why our timing was wrong.  I do know that if my vision was right, when I met you on that street that night our paths will cross again, and we won't let nothing get in our way and no one will be able to tear us a part.  I do know our relationship had  passion like no other.  I will remember all the good time we had from just being silly with each other, you reading books to the girls at bedtime, having picnic at the park (which was my favorite),  going out on the boat, or going to nice dinner and you doing that silly laugh.  I have officially given up.  I can't say goodbye!  But I can say I see you later. Love you much!

[frustrated b/f]

As many of you know, I have been struggling after 5 months no contact. I told myself that I would engage the next time she contacted me. It appears that she only feels like lack of communication and engagement was the problem as opposed to BPD related issues. Is it even worth it to tell her I believe our problems come from deep personality issues? The fact that she's confused as to why it didn't work tells me that she'll never get it.

I can't describe the pain I feel, I keep trying to make sense of all this. I know it was a time when I check out of the relationship, and because of that you feel our relationship is not repairable.  I'm sure you notice a change in me around that time.  I was tired all the time, my energy level went down. I found out that I was going through a depression.  I Knew something was wrong, just didn't know what.  I've never been that type of person that didn't want to get out, and hate it when other people sleep their life always. And here I was doing the same thing.  We figure out that after the long drawn out divorce and the custody arrangement I went through a depression.  You know I keep things in.  So I just got more depress and didn't have any fight in me.  So I had to go back to court, and now he only gets them one weekend out of the month. Now my energy is back.  I love being back to my old self again. I'm loving it!   The girls keep me busy all the time now.  I'm telling you this because of all people you should know how it feels not to be able to spend quality time with your kids.  I don't keep things in anymore and I say how I feel.  My communication coach have taught me the art of communication, and how to do it affectedly. You know I catch on to things really fast.  So Frustrated B/F  I just been in denial for the last few months. I always felt like we would get this right.  I have a lot of love for you Frustrated B/F !  I always wanted you to realize that our relationship was worth it and we would turn this around, and we could have a passionate, loving, caring, strong, and powerful friendship.  And that would make a great partnership!  It takes a lot of commitment  and dedication on both people part at the same time. I don't know why our timing was wrong.  I do know that if my vision was right, when I met you on that street that night our paths will cross again, and we won't let nothing get in our way and no one will be able to tear us a part.  I do know our relationship had  passion like no other.  I will remember all the good time we had from just being silly with each other, you reading books to the girls at bedtime, having picnic at the park (which was my favorite),  going out on the boat, or going to nice dinner and you doing that silly laugh.  I have officially given up.  I can't say goodbye!  But I can say I see you later. Love you much!

[willtimeheal]

Mine BPD said a lot of the same things... .if we just met at a different time a different place. Once she dealt with everything things would fall into place. Mine slept all the time and went through a depression. She even tried to kill herself. I will be honest she said she worked on everything and was better and wanted to try again... .I went back. She dumped me yesterday. Right after I paid for all of Xmas and her kids.birthday.

They don't ever get better. They never change. They are selfish and only think of themselves. I wouldn't respond but you need to do what is best for you. Don't get sucked back in. I would hate to see you where I am now.

[LilMissSunshine]

I'm not sure what to say.  After only 6 weeks n/c I blew it yesterday and I'm regretting it today.  On the other hand, your x sounds like she is trying to do something positive, but I'm not all that familiar with your situation.  I think, no matter what advice you get, in the end, you are going to do what you need to do.  Listen to your gut.

[Turkish]

As many of you know, I have been struggling after 5 months no contact. I told myself that I would engage the next time she contacted me. It appears that she only feels like lack of communication and engagement was the problem as opposed to BPD related issues. Is it even worth it to tell her I believe our problems come from deep personality issues? The fact that she's confused as to why it didn't work tells me that she'll never get it.

I can't describe the pain I feel, I keep trying to make sense of all this. I know it was a time when I check out of the relationship, and because of that you feel our relationship is not repairable.  I'm sure you notice a change in me around that time.  I was tired all the time, my energy level went down. I found out that I was going through a depression.  I Knew something was wrong, just didn't know what.  I've never been that type of person that didn't want to get out, and hate it when other people sleep their life always. And here I was doing the same thing.  We figure out that after the long drawn out divorce and the custody arrangement I went through a depression. 

Who is this "we" was she in therapy? Telling them they are mentally ill is not a good idea.

The question is, do you want to plunge back into this. If so, what will it do for you? And are you willing to be her Caretaker, using the tools and support here (on the Staying Board), realizing that the underlying issues will never go away?

[babyducks]

well frustrated, I hesitate to post but here it goes.

A couple of thoughts;

first I notice that in the clip below, none of it is about you.  Its all about her.   About how she feels.  She does throw in a nugget about how she felt when she was with you and you guys were having a good day, but it is all about her.  She doesn't ask anything about you,  doesn't acknowledge you're feelings in any way.  Not even a round about way.

Second thing I noticed is there is no apology, no sense of regret, no sense of responsibility.

I don't know why our timing was wrong.  I do know that if my vision was right, when I met you on that street that night our paths will cross again, and we won't let nothing get in our way and no one will be able to tear us a part.

ahhhh?   Nothing will get in your way and no one will tear you apart?   who exactly was tearing you apart before? 

Third thing I notice is she's not very clear about what she wants.   Maybe she seems clearer to you because you know her and how she communicates but from waaaay over here at the other end of the internet the sentence:

I have officially given up.  I can't say goodbye!  But I can say I see you later. Love you much!

looks an awful lot like push/pull in less than the space of 100 characters. 

If you feel like you should answer, answer.   Just go into it with your eyes wide open.   No communication coach has changed the fact the pwBPD argue and talk in circles to keep you engaged in their chaos. Conflict is a way of expressing their emotions, not to resolve an issue.  (quote from waverider, God Bless you Waverider)

My experience was that my EX could reach more mentally and emotionally healthy conclusions and decisions.   It took her a very very long time to work her way there and a great deal of effort.   I had to learn to break conversations, especially conversations about relationships and emotional issues down into very very very small, tiny, incredibly small,  did I say microscopic tiny bits.   During one high conflict phase of our relationship it took us about 2 weeks of talking, and curtailing the conversation when it got too emotional to reach the point where she felt it was safe to offer me an apology.   It was very confusing and difficult for her and very trying for me.   

Based on what I know to be true for me and my relationship, I would suggest that if you answer you keep it simple, short, and unemotional.

'ducks

[frustrated b/f]

Who is this "we" was she in therapy? Telling them they are mentally ill is not a good idea.

The question is, do you want to plunge back into this. If so, what will it do for you? And are you willing to be her Caretaker, using the tools and support here (on the Staying Board), realizing that the underlying issues will never go away?

I'm assuming she's referring to her "communication coach," whatever that means.

I could only be her caretaker if she actually acknowledged her issues. Sounds like it's a pretty thankless and reward-less job being a BPD caretaker. Advice I received from the board in the past, was if you don't have kids together "RUN."

Would you suggest the same?

[babyducks]

I understand Run Messages come from the incredible hurt, anger and pain we feel after a break up.   

I still don't particularly care for the idea.  I don't think, for me, in my life, Running is very healthy.  After all I am suppose to be the mature stable adult here.

If you make the decision to not engage you can do it, without panic, or vitriol, saying something like "I am not in place to be able to communicate with you."  and leave it at that.   

[Turkish]

well frustrated, I hesitate to post but here it goes.

A couple of thoughts;

first I notice that in the clip below, none of it is about you.  Its all about her.   About how she feels.  She does throw in a nugget about how she felt when she was with you and you guys were having a good day, but it is all about her.  She doesn't ask anything about you,  doesn't acknowledge you're feelings in any way.  Not even a round about way.

Second thing I noticed is there is no apology, no sense of regret, no sense of responsibility.

I don't know why our timing was wrong.  I do know that if my vision was right, when I met you on that street that night our paths will cross again, and we won't let nothing get in our way and no one will be able to tear us a part.

ahhhh?   Nothing will get in your way and no one will tear you apart?   who exactly was tearing you apart before? 

Third thing I notice is she's not very clear about what she wants.   Maybe she seems clearer to you because you know her and how she communicates but from waaaay over here at the other end of the internet the sentence:

I have officially given up.  I can't say goodbye!  But I can say I see you later. Love you much!

looks an awful lot like push/pull in less than the space of 100 characters. 

That is a great answer babyducks. My X is a master in equivocation, even when not dysregulated. It drove me nuts. They know what they want, then they don't know what they want. Then they want something else, then back the first. Rinse, spin, repeat.

For me personally, I desire a stable, adult relationship. I'll take ups and downs, and some unknowns are ok with me. I can't take, however, living zero g in the dark with no reference points for what's left, right, up, down, backwards, forwards, past, present or future.

[Turkish]

Hi frustrated b/f,

If you haven't had a chance to look at this, you might want to, in order to understand possible reasons they try to recycle and possible thinking behind the contacts that tend to confuse us:

Post Relationship  Contact

[frustrated b/f]

Thank you guys! I absolutely needed to hear every word in this thread! I did reply, I said:

uBPD EX,

You've disrespected our relationship in ways that I can no longer accept. I have sought therapy and am trying to repair my life. I highly suggest you do the same. As much as it may hurt, I must refrain from contact. I hope you can respect that.

Frustrated B/F

[Turkish]

Thank you guys! I absolutely needed to hear every word in this thread! I did reply, I said:

uBPD EX,

You've disrespected our relationship in ways that I can no longer accept. I have sought therapy and am trying to repair my life. I highly suggest you do the same. As much as it may hurt, I must refrain from contact. I hope you can respect that.

Frustrated B/F

That is good.

Not to be a pill, but your last sentence, while polite, may leave the possibility for an opening.

[frustrated b/f]

Thank you guys! I absolutely needed to hear every word in this thread! I did reply, I said:

uBPD EX,

You've disrespected our relationship in ways that I can no longer accept. I have sought therapy and am trying to repair my life. I highly suggest you do the same. As much as it may hurt, I must refrain from contact. I hope you can respect that.

Frustrated B/F

That is good.

Not to be a pill, but your last sentence, while polite, may leave the possibility for an opening.

Yea, I thought about that too. I was trying to be nice, but I can see how it would leave hope and prevent the door from closing completely shut. 

[Turkish]

Thank you guys! I absolutely needed to hear every word in this thread! I did reply, I said:

uBPD EX,

You've disrespected our relationship in ways that I can no longer accept. I have sought therapy and am trying to repair my life. I highly suggest you do the same. As much as it may hurt, I must refrain from contact. I hope you can respect that.

Frustrated B/F

That is good.

Not to be a pill, but your last sentence, while polite, may leave the possibility for an opening.

Yea, I thought about that too. I was trying to be nice, but I can see how it would leave hope and prevent the door from closing completely shut. 

you're being you, a  nice,  caring guy.  nothing wrong with that.  just secure the deadbolt on that door  and cover the fish eye lens so she can't tell if anyone's home.

[Perfidy]

Yeah... . The wording in that last sentence should have been more assertive. "Respect this please." Making respect the object instead of "I", meaning you. After a certain point a person has to take themselves out of the game and use a more direct dialogue. Better still... No dialogue. By responding you certainly agree to playing the game that she invented all of the rules for.

[frustrated b/f]

You guys are SO right! I immediately got a long drawn out follow-up email. I didn't even read it, because I already knew what it would say. Back to N/C!