I started losing my empathy

[Gidget]

Good Morning to Everyone, and thank you for all you do. I have gotten more insight from this board in the last few months than from anywhere in the last 37years.

I believe I have always had empathy for my child thru out her life. During the last 3years my hurt and anger my humiliation from her last and final assault on me I started losing my empathy.

I was filled with feelings of hurt, rage, disbelief of lies that were told about me from her. Then to top it off I was told that I should only blame myself because I allowed her to abuse me. I was a Mother who tried to understand where this was coming from for most of my adult child life without any knowledge of what I was really dealing with until I found a book I hate you don't leave me. I then started to feel guilty for having my own anger. I read an article here on anger and realized I did the very thing it stated when I felt my intense hurts I used my anger to make my hurts feel better ie. I am justified in my anger.

I have began to finally allow myself to feel my pain from the abuse and her vile attacks on me and I am trying to see it from her eyes again. I guess it took a year from a counselor telling both my husband and I not to take it personally.

As a mother you feel like you failed some how I should have, could have would have. I realize that is not what is going to help now.

I have started to finally climb out of what I felt was the worst three years of my life. I considered myself an extremely strong person my whole life at the age of 58 I was broken this board has been a Godsend to me.

I have to began again to feel the deep empathy for her but this time I have the knowledge and tools I need not to make the same mistakes and realize I need to see things as she does

I have a long way to go in my learning we have a long way to go in healing a relationship that has been so strained over our lives.

I kept telling her that her attacks were because she blamed me for her Father not being in her life she would tell me NO ITS NOT. Couldn't understand it because I was a loving mother. This board made something click It is not about her Father being in her life, but about what  it did to her as a person HER FEAR OF ABANDONMENT that she voiced to me for the first time in 37 years.

I realized I can't totally blame myself she wouldn't talk she would scream and say give me my space I would beg her at times to tell me what was wrong

Now finding the way to heal.  Afraid  to talk until I can get the way to speak to her right!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

Here is an excerpt from Daniel Hughes newest book that really helped me help myself -- then I could connect with my DD and with those in my support circle. "8 Keys to Building Your Best Reataionships". This quote referenced 2011 material from David Rock and Daniel J. Siegel, MD., a neuroscience researcher.


THE HEALTHY MIND PLATTER: Seven daily essential mental activities to optimize brain matter and create well-being

• FOCUS TIME: When we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, we take on challenges that make deep connections in the brain.



• PLAYTIME: When we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, we help make new connections in the brain.



• CONNECTING TIME: When we connect with other people, ideally in person, and when we take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world around us, we activate and reinforce the brain's relational circuitry.



• PHYSICAL TIME: When we move our bodies, aerobically if medically possible, we strengthen the brain in many ways.



• TIME-IN: When we quietly reflect internally, focusing on sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts, we help to better integrate the brain.



• DOWNTIME: When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, and let our mind wander or simply relax, we help the brain recharge.



• SLEEP TIME: When we give the brain the rest it needs, and consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day.

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The "How To" starts with taking care of me. It is so easy to give up on myself in the day to day demands of my life. Hope this helps all who read here.

Thank you Carolr I will look the book up and read it. I just purchased a gift for myself a new Nook. I downloaded the book Loving Someone with Personality Disorder. Thank you for sharing your story. The stories I read here help, it lets me know I am not alone.  I to am human and can make mistakes and not beat myself up so much. My counselor told me if I didn't stop beating myself up I would die young from the stress. The Would of Could of Should of's I need to stop.

I think I lived so much of my life feeling guilty for her father not being there, for what I couldn't give her, for being sick most of my life and having to work. I do think I forgot what Joy felt like.

Hard with my husband her Step Dad he is very supported and was good to her but also angry. He feels she needs tough love. I wish my Mother were alive she was tough women but we were close. The night she died she looked at me and told me I was a great Mother. She also said to me "Oh what is wrong with that Girl" She to watched my daughter while I worked. She saw it also what I saw.

She told me not to forget her words that my daughter grow up around her with me and she saw the love I had for her that I needed to believe in myself that I never harmed her. She told me if I was not a good Mother I would have to answer to her and Oh boy she would have let me know she did not beat around the bush. She felt I was not tough enough with her I needed to give her more consequences growing up but I knew my daughter would not have handled that well and I was right I saw it tough love would not have been the road of choice.

I have been trying to find support groups in my area there are none only up in the northern part of the state I will keep looking hopefully I will find one. I think it would help. Also lost some very close friends over the years because of this they couldn't understand what was going on they to felt I was to lenient and let her control me I was a Mother I choose my daughter was blinded a lot of times couldn't see the bigger picture.

Thanks so much for caring the people here are great never thought I would get so many responses

[Vanityvanity]

I am in too much pain for this. You can't have empathy if you're sick with distress. Then it becomes another "please don't leave me" game. Done too much of that. It's over and I need to rage and grieve. Take care of myself not him.

[pessim-optimist]

I am in too much pain for this. You can't have empathy if you're sick with distress. Then it becomes another "please don't leave me" game. Done too much of that. It's over and I need to rage and grieve. Take care of myself not him.

That's a fair assessment - each and every tool has its own proper time and use. When we are too overwhelmed with our own situation - that takes priority. Like the emergency instructions on an airplane: if the air pressure goes down, put a mask on yourself first before you help others. If you do not follow those instructions, you may not be helpful to others, and you may loose your own life on top of that... .First things first.

[pessim-optimist]

When our relationship with our child gets painful, it may become hard to stay connected to them, as we become overwhelmed with our experience. You are working through that. It's a process, Gidget... . 

Compassion and empathy, are close, yet they are two different things.

Ideally, we want to be both empathetic, and have compassion, and from what you say, it looks like you are working on both... . 

This is the difference between those two:

Empathy is our ability to fully appreciate and understand what is going on inside of another person.

This workshop might help explain it better:

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

Compassion is our own emotional reaction to other person's suffering.

This is an excerpt from the Wikipedia definition of compassion:

"Compassion is the emotion that we feel in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help."

"More involved than simple empathy, compassion commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering."

Does this make sense?

[Gidget]

Thanks, Pessim-Optimist

I have read the article on Empaty-Compassion numerous times. Maybe that is what my daughter saw that I had more compassion then empathy.

Yes reading what you just wrote clicked. Maybe the truth I have to face was it was to hard for me to see what was going on inside of her because I felt so guilty that I couldn't change it with her father so I blocked it out did not face it because I couldn't face it. Not that it wasn't there it was to painful to see. Does that make me a horrible mother? The Counselor kept asking me why do you feel so guilty what do you feel guilty over. Maybe the guilt I really feel is trying not to see her pain for what it was.

Compassion--I guess that is what I did. I gave and gave and over compensated ran everytime she called hoping that would be enough my love would be enough. It wasn't.

Maybe my job as a medical professional allowed me to do it so easy just take care of everyone. It was easier to close my eyes to what was really inside of her.

I think this is a moment of Truth for me I need to confess. I couldn't watch her pain I couldn't make him come back I just wanted to make it better. I feared when she became emotional her pain was to hard to watch oh boy I feel horrible right now.

You clicked in my head right now and now I have to really face what I did now I can understand I closed myself off to her pain what a horrible thing to do. It hurt me to much I wanted to take it away I thought I would be enough.

I saw what it did to his Father be abandon by his Mother what was I thinking I should have known better.

I can't even justify it right now there is no justification. Except I am so sorry

Boy or Boy I just had a Ah Ah moment.

[crazedncrazymom]

Maybe the truth I have to face was it was to hard for me to see what was going on inside of her because I felt so guilty that I couldn't change it with her father so I blocked it out did not face it because I couldn't face it. Not that it wasn't there it was to painful to see. Does that make me a horrible mother? The Counselor kept asking me why do you feel so guilty what do you feel guilty over. Maybe the guilt I really feel is trying not to see her pain for what it was.

Compassion--I guess that is what I did. I gave and gave and over compensated ran everytime she called hoping that would be enough my love would be enough. It wasn't.

Oh wow!  I truly know the pain you are feeling.  Guilt and self-abuse is probably the worst feeling in the world.  I've been there.  I know you feel that way and it's easy to see all the things you did wrong and beat yourself up for them.   It's one of those feelings that does go away with time and healing actions and thoughts.  Make amends when the time is right.  Put those feelings towards healing yourself and your relationship with your daughter. 

I was, am still to a much smaller extent, the same way with my daughter.  What do you need?  The moon?  OK wait here for a second and I'll get it for you.  I thought I was doing great.  I didn't realize while I was busy getting her clothes, taking her to friends, shopping, spending hours at cheer practice, and asking how high every time she even hinted at wanting me to jump, etc. that I was ignoring the most fundamental essence of who she is and her most basic needs.  She also didn't see me doing all those things was my way of screaming I LOVE YOU at the top of my lungs every single day.  Does it make me a bad mom because I didn't see it at the time? After a lot of soul searching and I do mean a lot, I would say no.  It makes me human.  I was doing the best I knew how.  I know better now.  Better is well... .better.

This board was a lifesaver for me also.  I felt so lost and alone when I found this site.  Nobody understood what I was going through.  Half the people who were aware of our situation were looking at me like I must be some kind of secret undercover monster and the other half were telling me to throw my 15 year old daughter out of the house. 

So, to a lighter subject.  How are you going to take care of yourself today?  What do you love to do?  What are your interests? 

-crazed

[Gidget]

Thanks CrazyMom for the words today I am taking care of myself BY accepting that I am and was just human I did only the best I could. I do feel less guilt since being here. I also like you stated not allowing so much, the people who weren't around us make me feel so much like a monster ie, son-in-laws family.

I am believing much more in myself and the love I had for her. I guess I know the truth and God so I am learning that, is all that matters.

I am enjoying my grandchildren thank God she didn't take them away. The counselor thought she would out of spite. I am accepting that this healing will not happen over nite and have started to feel ok with that instead of the feeling of ( I NEED TO FIX IT NOW ).

I really don't feel as depressed as I have been. Going to enjoy Xmas even though my daughter and grandkids won't be with us. I will have them kids on the 23rd.

I truly have started to watch how I speak and have been a lot more honest and voicing what I feel. I had become so afraid over the years I would say the wrong thing to her and she would take it the wrong way. (Validation) tape has helped me to see that I got it wrong. Learning even with my husband.

Took my granddaughter shopping for Xmas present yesterday she doesn't believe in Santa anymore and she needed to be measured for her gift. Trying to speak honestly with her. She has confided a lot in both my husband and I she is going to be 13yrs this is hard she had me around all the time. Since this happened with my daughter we don't see them like we used to 3-4 per week.

She confided in me her Mother doesn't answer the phone when I call although she started to until I said something she did like and went back to her old ways. I tried to be honest with her. I told her that we are going thru some tough times she actually has come to know about my daughters father. I was shocked my daughter told her she never spoke of him.

I told her that it was ok that her Mom was angry right now with me but I love her Mom very much. I also told her that that was not the best way to handle problems that people need to speak and work out there problems but to try and understand. I told her to always tell people when you are hurting angry or sad never to hold those emotions in. I told her I would always be there for her.

I am going to just try and enjoy my grandchildren for now I told my daughter I would always be there when she chose to speak.

I think the tools I am learning here are great gave me insight to look at things differently. I joined a meet up group locally with people that are into a lot of the same things I am ( Holistic Medicine) also my job working in the Medical field always helped me cope with things.

They saw people who work in the medical field are the most C0-Dependent people survey done. I think I see that in me.

I guess what I am doing is learning to Accept Me my Daughter and everyone else in my life for were they are at in their life at the moment