I do have a few questions to ask

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have a loving family that is supportive of me; but after 14 years od this and her ruining a career chance in nursing, no longer want to talk to me about her.  I also have a strong network in AA that would go to the end of the earth to help me.  I made an appointment for my first counseling session today to see a psychiatrist.

I do have a few questions to ask:

I didn't realize that she was constantly talking to anyone/everyone who would listen about these false allegations of abuse until recently (a friend of her's husband told me a few weeks ago.

Is this normal?

Is this triangulation?

Why would she try to ruin my reputation in the community after giving her and my son a beautiful home to live in rent/bill free?

Is everytime they split, do they paint you black?

I know that she is angry because of the comments on abortion, but she will not give me any closure, and told her dad that IF I change maybe we can be together in the future. (Is this her way of keeping me around?)

Sorry for all the questions, but I need answers and hope this website can make me stronger so IF/WHEN she deiceds to come back I can tell her no... .FINALLY.

Thanks for the help

[arn131arn]

I have a loving family that is supportive of me; but after 14 years od this and her ruining a career chance in nursing, no longer want to talk to me about her.  I also have a strong network in AA that would go to the end of the earth to help me.  I made an appointment for my first counseling session today to see a psychiatrist.

I do have a few questions to ask:

I didn't realize that she was constantly talking to anyone/everyone who would listen about these false allegations of abuse until recently (a friend of her's husband told me a few weeks ago.

Is this normal?

Is this triangulation?

Why would she try to ruin my reputation in the community after giving her and my son a beautiful home to live in rent/bill free?

Is everytime they split, do they paint you black?

I know that she is angry because of the comments on abortion, but she will not give me any closure, and told her dad that IF I change maybe we can be together in the future. (Is this her way of keeping me around?)

Sorry for all the questions, but I need answers and hope this website can make me stronger so IF/WHEN she deiceds to come back I can tell her no... .FINALLY.

Thanks for the help

[necchi]

Arn, sorry you find yourself in this position.

My advice to you since you don't seem al aware of what BPD is all about ,to go on the main board since if we start answering all your questions with post, you will get overwhelmed and confuse, now we all were in the same exact spot you're in.

take time.

[bpdspell]

I agree with marinro7.

It would help if you had a healthy starting foundation on understanding the basics of BPD and Narcissism. The links on your right are INVALUABLE. Read them and let them digest.

Is this normal?

BPD behavior runs the gamut but yes it is quite normal for our ex's to paint a less than flattering picture of us to others. It is their projection of shame and their emotionally immature way of shifting the blame.

Is this triangulation?

Triangulation occurs when you are emotionally pitted against another source of supply (an object, a parent, a child, a new partner) so that it may inspire envy and jealousy on your part and triggers your deepest insecurities which may include rejection and/or abandonment. My ex triangulated me constantly. Especially when our relationship started to implode.

Why ruin your reputation?

To punish you as a part of the evolutionary stages of a BPD relationship: Idealize, devalue, discard. In her mind you are the cause of her pain and you deserve to be punished. She also needs to paint that picture to others so that she is absolved from looking like the "bad" guy. Better you than her.

Is this her way of keeping you around?

A person with BPD cannot give you closure due to the toxic nature of their serious mental illness. As for your future it is your choice to be with your ex but the more you understand the nature of this disorder the better off you'll be in making an informed decision.

Keeping you around is a possibility if she doesn't have new supply to occupy her ever shifting antics but it takes two to dance that tango so you would have to be a willing dance partner for that…

Reading about BPD is fundamental. Keep posting and keep reading.

Spell