Mad about soup so I don't love him? Refuse to beg. So tired.

[wishfulthinking]

Last night uBPDh is pissy.  Says doesn't feel "right".  Home all day instead of at work.  I work most the day, then took off a couple of hours due to plans I already had.  I am selling some things locally and had a lady coming at 7 to look at things and had to take my daughter to the tutor at 6, her dad was picking her up at 7 for me.  I get home just in time and as soon as the lady leaves at 730, uBPDh starts about dinner.  Ummmm... .why am I the one this falls on when I've been busy?  I say, well, I've been pretty busy, what do you want?  He and his S10 won't tell me.  I drop it.  I'm not very hungry and I'm not dealing with his incompetence.  He finally says he will run to McDonalds and get value stuff.  I say ok and tell him I don't want anything.  Daughter comes home and he starts saying he wants a particular soup, but doesn't want to go get it.  I go because if I don't then it's going to be an ordeal considering I told him he is welcome to go get it and he looked at me like I was horrible.  I get home and he wants more.  I'm not going this time.  He goes and is gone an hour, claims to be at his mom's.  The soup is spilled and he gets irate.  I call the place and tell them and they made it right, he gets in the car and mind you... .the clutch is almost completely out... .and revs it and hits the clutch hard because he is mad about SOUP.

Text exchange:

Me: She's giving 2 soups free and 10%.

Him:Thank you baby love

Me:Please go easier on the car.  It's all we have and our luck is bad enough... .Him: Didn't need to here that right now, perfect time for you to hold your tongue considering the circumstances and situation.  Thank you and love you bye bye

Me: Like the perfect wife. Sorry. Just can't afford to fix it tomrrow is all.  Whatever. My mouth is forever closed. Bye bye. Good night.Him: You just can't help it can you? You just constantly have to have the last workd to have your say I just text you to thank you for doing something for me that was nice you gotta come back with your mouth this wife shut up.

He gets home and chews me out about how nothing happened to the car and I shouldn't have said anything and he doesn't deserve it.  I said thank GOD nothing happened to the car, but it COULD have and we'd have been screwed. I wasn't about to apologize because I'm the one paying everything and will have to pay for the clutch and I'm trying to nurse it as long as possible.  (I shouldn't have gotten him a phone, it was peaeful when he couldn't text me). He called me names and told me how horrible I am and I just said that I MATTER, TOO.  He said something about leaving and I said leave, then.  He said he woudn't leave, so I said I will.  I packed a bag and he wouldn't let me go.  I locked myself in the bedroom and this followed.

Him: I really love the way that you think you have the right to think you can just walk out on me anytime you want or act likt your going to because you want to throw a temper tandtrum.  You want to walk out on me becaue I said shut up... .REALLY? Whenver your trying to stand your ground with a "what if" or "could have"? If people based they're lives off that, there would be not one Christian in this world or not one single marriage or even a relationship for that matter.  Sothis is EXACTLY why you CONSTANTLY make me wonder just how much you do love me and how important this marriage really is to you. Because tonight was way way way way pushed to far out of line from your point honey. And was VERY uncalled for. You and I both know that I didn't deserve not even half of what you tried throwing at me for this.

How much do I mean to you really? Anything at all? Or do you look for a reason everyday look for a reason to say that I'm not worth it to you.

I respond to possible conflict the way you want me to, I stop saying and doing the things that you want me to, and you still try to come at me and treat me like this and say how you're gone just walked out on me and leave? Who in the hell do you think you are what kind of wife is at that was say that to her husband he's doing everything he can to give her what she wants in that sense keeping his promise to her as he has done without fail not perfectly but without fail and you cannot deny that nor would you because you know its the truth. So you tell me, how am I supposed to feel how hurt is that make me how much worth does that give me to maybe think the way you feel towards me not much at all goodnight I love you guess I'll see you I won't force you to have to sleep next to my piece of s*** ass

Me:You never see any point except your own and that's all that matters to you. It doesn't matter what I do or give up or figure out, and it never will as long as I don't just shut my mouth and look pretty. Fact is, I'm the one that DOES have to consider consequences because I'm the one has to fix it when/if something happens. God doesn't want us blindly stumbling through life, we are supposed to do what we can as well as lean on him. I'm not going to live a white trash always broke and scrambling life when there is no reason and God expects us to do our best. There's NOTHING wrong with some planning or being careful with our own actions. If I drop a plate on purpose it might or might not break, does that mean I should do it? You do what you want, I got my own back. I'm going to sleep. I didn't get to sleep in and I didn't sleep well the past few nights. Thanks for being so sensitive the other night with my migraine, too. I can't count the times you woke me up or turned on the light or just plain didn't care even though I told you multiple times about my head. Guess what. I didn't deserve that but I didn't say anything. Also, I'll leave when I want, where I want and be gone as long as I want without checking in. Just like you.

Him;I would like to come sleep next to my life, which is totally made me feel like that you don't want me

Nothing wrong with being careful, and when I constantly living like white trash. We're going to a small rough time the we are getting through slowly. And he has proved his help. So stop dwelling on that part dwell on the good, stop being hateful to me I don't deserve it and I don't just see things from my point of view I do sing for the point of view if this is all ridiculous and uncalled for but you just for some reason want to argue with me or make us argue I make something bad to bring up drama and I thought you didn't like that, but you just had to bring it up once again something good happen today that you worked on it came through am greatly appreciative can you have to act the same it's not necessary so I don't you get over yourself what you tried just get along with your husband you keep things happy how hard is that to do

I have nothing more to say to you I want to come and go to bed with you tonight that's why I came in and made a positive remark to you about love you know those are more since you never make to me unless I initiate it first but I guess you don't want that I guess you want some cheap Mexican or some do the bus you and your jaw are just somebody who acts like they don't love you at all as soon as someone who does every day trying to make you feel special and tell you how much he does love you all you do is reject me 80 percent of the time gets all I'm sick of it so I'll give you what you want I'll leave you alone I'll sleep on the couch you want me to sleep in bed with you then you'll come get me by doubt that will happen I love you WT goodnight

I'm not even going to read another text from you you have something to say to me to come and say and if not I guess I'll see you in the morning sleep comfortably without your husband arms around you I'm sure you'll like that specially after four times push me off the last night in a couple times the nigjt before

Me:I love you and want you, but I want a partner who cares about more than how I look. I won't beg you to come to bed. 

Sorry I've had to pee a lot during the night. I've noticed you get huffy about that then go right back to sleep. Maybe you don't realize I'm not just pushing you off.

Him:I am so sick and tired of you come up with a headache excuse about how you look at you f****** kidding me, I'm constantly telling you how much you mean to me so quit trying to make things look so sorry for you a compliment you on your looks Because you seem to be worried at all about that an awful lot I've told you how much I care about you from inside now so don't even try that one with me baby and don't worry you don't have to take me to come in to sleep with you that your whole problem you think I'm supposed to be down to you and costly beg you to want me I shouldn't have to pay my wife to make me feel special and come be with her you should just do it cuz you love me

I'm not reading anymore from you come tell me to come to better leave me the hell alone I'll see you in the morning its probably you want anyway

Me:Come to bed if you want. I'm not playing your games.

I said I'm not reading anymore

I love you but get over yourself. Maybe &&&&& will beg you. (&&&& is his ex who's aid he runs to all the time)

Him:I said I'm not reading anymore woman

You have anything nice to say then come saying, if it is a nice no say nothing to me at all

Question, how would you like to be with somebody that you have to always beg or threaten divorce for them to treat you like you really matter that you really don't want them out of your life. I love you and you know it and you never have to beg for my affection you never have to plead for me to come be with you put my arms around you and I'm really quite sick of having to do that with you just like I'm back to the better mine and you just f****** ignore me. And I'm going to my pillow and a blanket come sleep on the couch and you just leave like you don't give a s*** how would you like to be with somebody like that how do you think you would feel Oh like you're just totally loved and wanted huh. Yeah right that would really make you feel like you're f****** wanted

Good night my wife, my love. Because that's the way I feel towards you no matter how much of a b**** you can be at times

This morning was another stupid even altogether.  Another post will follow.

[Surnia]

Wishfulthinking

What a long and damaging circular argument! I would feel tired and bad too. 

I know your situation is not easy, money is tight, x-mas is coming. So you are probably stressed. Going in this kind of verbal fights is so exhausting. Is there anything you can do not being caught by this?

I hope you don't mind quoting some lines from the workshop about Circular arguments:

We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to

They go round and round and round.

Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.

You're not even sure what you are arguing about  

They can go on for hours and hours.

No one ever wins them.

Both people get hurt by them.

You want to pull your hair out  

Why do they happen?

Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.

Cause we like to "be right" too.

Cause we can't let it go either.

Cause we need to prove our point.

Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.

Cause we want to hurt them back.

Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.

Cause we hope that we can change their minds.

Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.

Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.

[ugghh]

I started to type a reply and then I read what Surnia posted - that summed it up pretty accurately.

We have all had them - yours was soup.   I had them about such things as which way to hang the toilet paper, washing a particular cup, mail piles falling over, leaving the bathroom fan running all day, imaginary comments she thought she heard. 

The funny thing is for years I would try and run interference for my now 20 year old daughter by simply telling her that you cannot have a logical argument with and illogical person.  I often fell in the trap myself.

As the years went by one of the most powerful tools I found was to learn the ability to walk away or just get in the car and go for a drive.