Painful break-up w/ possible make up?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Where to start.

I started dating my now ex-girlfriend two years ago. She was flirty and seemed very confident. We went out one night after work and pretty much stayed together ever since. We had been flirting for a few weeks/months before that. Because she lived so far from where we used to work together, she started staying night after night after night at my place and I didn’t have any problem with it because we had the most interesting and passionate conversations about one another.

She was curious about all and every aspect of my life. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. However, her outgoing personality, interest, and overwhelming love and passion grew in me very quickly. I was “the love of her life”. She confessed to me all the terrible things that happened in her life and to be honest that honesty scared me, especially only 3-4 days in our relationship. She’d cry about it and tell me she understood if I left her. The past was the past but I could only see the good in her so I decided to give it a shot.

The events she went through are really tragic. She was molested on two occasions at a very young age by an abusive step-father.  She was verbally and physically abused by her alcoholic mother. At the age of 11 her mother introduced her to alcohol and started drinking heavily at that young age. Her father moved out because the mother would have men in and out of the house while at work. The separation was difficult. The mother would point out her slight overweight and make fun of her.

At the age of 15 she got pregnant and gave the child up for adoption as the family (workers) couldn’t provide for the child. The separation was very difficult and depression followed. The doctors diagnosed her with PTSD.

After this episode, she joined the army. In the army she was introduced to all sorts of drugs. She began using all sorts of drugs pretty heavily. The number of sexual partners she’s had is too embarrassing to even post.

When she came out of the army she supported some family financially. After a year the account was emptied and her cards maxed out.

About a year later, her father admitted to her that he wasn’t her biological father and that he had known all along. You can only show respect for a man like this but of course it was extremely hard on her. Depression followed again. 

And then me!

We met at work. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her. She was just very outgoing and easy to talk to. I noticed that she had a hard time dealing with her emotions but I figured it was imputable to the sex (sorry ladies) and that she just was very sensitive. 

After so many weeks we started dating and stayed together ever since. Her situation of financial distress was overwhelming. Because she lived so far from work, she couldn’t afford to drive back and forth between her house, mine and work.  Being a student and working full time, I didn’t have the time to drive to her at night either. I asked her to stay the first night (I lived much closer to work than her). That night we had a passionate conversation and fell in love with each other. She stayed with me since that day and until last week 

I helped her get her finances straightened out, helped her file bankruptcy, educated her on how to manage her own money and life got better. Not by much but still better. She was happy, she could save money and she could finally spend it on things that she needed and not just weed and a wireless plan she was overpaying for.

Soon after that, I got her to pursue her education. She had an immense lack of confidence when it came to her intellectual skills but we managed to work it out and she registered to college a few months after we started dating.

Life seemed perfect, I helped the woman I loved overcome all the problems she was facing in life and I was the “man of her life”.  Yet, every week some new major issue would just come out of nowhere. It was as though the more we’d solve the problems she had the more new ones would pop out.

No matter how dedicated you are in a relationship this constant feeling of facing EXTREM adversity or major issues is draining on the long run. She’d cry about it and I’d try to comfort her. I noticed how unusually long it would take for her to feel better. But more surprising was her reactions over minor issues that wouldn’t upset me or anyone I know to that extent.

Another thing that shocked me was how happy and loving she was one second and the next she’d snap and lose her temper over something minor not being able to outweigh the good vs bad. I tried to be careful about what I said but despite my efforts she’d always be able to see something negative in my statements. Lots of arguments started because of my eye contact. I’d look at her and she’d snap “Why do you roll your eyes at me like that, fine I just won’t talk!”, or my breathing “Why are you breathing like that?, fine I just won’t talk!”. Although I’d try to explain to her that I didn’t roll my eyes and that I was just breathing she’d see another meaning in it. “I’m never good enough for you!”.

Then, we started arguing about silly things. Maybe I was a bit too critical, especially when she’d commit the same mistakes over and over again: mainly, overspending and putting herself in the same state of financial distress she got out of, drinking on girls’ night’s out and black out, blow her money on weed before taking care of the bills.

The problem she has with weed didn’t seem like one at first. I’m tolerant and I didn’t have a problem with her smoking at night time. Soon though, it became after work and throughout the night, and after work-throughout the night and in bed, and in the end it was as soon as she’d wake up and until she’d go to bed. Having tried it personally, I felt like it had a depressant effect if I smoked daily for more than a week. When I’d bring it up she’d deny it and claim it helped her manage her emotions better. Fact of the matter is, the more she smoked the more irritable she became and the more impossible it was to even communicate with her which of course resulted in more arguments. More rolling eyes accusations, more hard breathing accusations, and I was almost always to blame. Sometimes I’m sure I was but I simply don’t know how to deal with this type of situation. I always tried to defuse her anger but sometimes it was just too much to take in and instead of calming down she’d blow up even more.

We had a serious conversation about our relationship on two occasions. We vowed to improve on our flaws and make this work. We’d put the effort into it and then give up and get back to our previous situation.

Everybody saw us as a strong couple. Both of our families met and liked each other. 

The last three weeks were very tough on me. She started staying in the bedroom and on the computer all the time. She retreated from our relationship before it had even ended. She wouldn’t spend time with me any longer. Then, she got sick and wanted to be babied. Things got better until she recovered and I felt this distance again. Two weeks before the end she expressed her anger towards me in the most brutal way she ever had and I felt like I no longer held that superstar place I once held in her heart. I didn’t really understand why and I resented the moment this would eventually end. In the last week she lined up friends after friends she’d meet every night and only return at midnight to sleep. Finally, I confronted her last Tuesday and told her how I felt. She broke down and confessed she was unhappy and needed time alone to figure things out. She said she felt depressed.

After a talk, we split up despite me wanting to try and work things out. We both have our wrongs in this relationship but I feel like we’re not even giving each other a chance to make it right. Now, we’re friends but can still work on our relationship, which is very ambiguous.  I feel like a big part of this break up is imputable to this condition that neither one of us can control.

A big part is also imputable to the weed. Is marijuana used/prescribed to help BPD patients? Is it a depressant like I claim it to be? The internet seems to have divergent views on this matter.

I had never actually researched or even heard of BPD before I met her. She gave me a fair definition of what it was and how it affected HER. I believed her when she said she had it under control. I feel like I/we should have researched how it could affect our relationship.

The article on this website matched what our relationship was like VERY accurately (90%). She hasn’t told anyone in her family that she suffers BPD but I feel like I have an obligation to warn them about it because they care about her and I know they don’t understand her reactions and that they would want to help her.

We met yesterday, she admitted that she’s been drinking every night, smoking excessively and taking mushrooms. It hurts to see her go that route after all the efforts. She’s giving up on herself and if she does she’s giving up on us as well.

 

Her reasons for breaking up:

Always has been dependent on someone and doesn’t want to depend on someone any longer (although she paid literally ½ the bills in this house).

Constantly arguing

I didn’t give her enough space - now, on one hand, to avoid arguments I’d go with her to the store or to her dad’s otherwise she’d feel rejected because if I said no she’d make a big deal out of it and/or possibly  cry over it. On the other, my constant presence was overwhelming (how do I win?)

I’d like to help her get better and work on her personal issues but her substance abuse is out of control. If I bring it up, I know she’ll take it in a negative way. She gets upset if anyone implies or calls her crazy and I know this is how she’ll take it.

Everybdoy that knows me is telling me to stop seeing her, that I’ll only suffer more if I hang on to it. When you’re not in a relationship it is easier said than done. Our “friendship” bothers me because obviously I’m not looking for a friendship.

Sorry if this stuff doesn’t make sense. I’ve been sleepless for a few days now :D I’m sure I'll add more stuff. I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

Who's had a similar experience and how did you deal with it?

[AchingHeart]

Where to start.

I started dating my now ex-girlfriend two years ago. She was flirty and seemed very confident. We went out one night after work and pretty much stayed together ever since. We had been flirting for a few weeks/months before that. Because she lived so far from where we used to work together, she started staying night after night after night at my place and I didn’t have any problem with it because we had the most interesting and passionate conversations about one another.

She was curious about all and every aspect of my life. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. However, her outgoing personality, interest, and overwhelming love and passion grew in me very quickly. I was “the love of her life”. She confessed to me all the terrible things that happened in her life and to be honest that honesty scared me, especially only 3-4 days in our relationship. She’d cry about it and tell me she understood if I left her. The past was the past but I could only see the good in her so I decided to give it a shot.

The events she went through are really tragic. She was molested on two occasions at a very young age by an abusive step-father.  She was verbally and physically abused by her alcoholic mother. At the age of 11 her mother introduced her to alcohol and started drinking heavily at that young age. Her father moved out because the mother would have men in and out of the house while at work. The separation was difficult. The mother would point out her slight overweight and make fun of her.

At the age of 15 she got pregnant and gave the child up for adoption as the family (workers) couldn’t provide for the child. The separation was very difficult and depression followed. The doctors diagnosed her with PTSD.

After this episode, she joined the army. In the army she was introduced to all sorts of drugs. She began using all sorts of drugs pretty heavily. The number of sexual partners she’s had is too embarrassing to even post.

When she came out of the army she supported some family financially. After a year the account was emptied and her cards maxed out.

About a year later, her father admitted to her that he wasn’t her biological father and that he had known all along. You can only show respect for a man like this but of course it was extremely hard on her. Depression followed again. 

And then me!

We met at work. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her. She was just very outgoing and easy to talk to. I noticed that she had a hard time dealing with her emotions but I figured it was imputable to the sex (sorry ladies) and that she just was very sensitive. 

After so many weeks we started dating and stayed together ever since. Her situation of financial distress was overwhelming. Because she lived so far from work, she couldn’t afford to drive back and forth between her house, mine and work.  Being a student and working full time, I didn’t have the time to drive to her at night either. I asked her to stay the first night (I lived much closer to work than her). That night we had a passionate conversation and fell in love with each other. She stayed with me since that day and until last week 

I helped her get her finances straightened out, helped her file bankruptcy, educated her on how to manage her own money and life got better. Not by much but still better. She was happy, she could save money and she could finally spend it on things that she needed and not just weed and a wireless plan she was overpaying for.

Soon after that, I got her to pursue her education. She had an immense lack of confidence when it came to her intellectual skills but we managed to work it out and she registered to college a few months after we started dating.

Life seemed perfect, I helped the woman I loved overcome all the problems she was facing in life and I was the “man of her life”.  Yet, every week some new major issue would just come out of nowhere. It was as though the more we’d solve the problems she had the more new ones would pop out.

No matter how dedicated you are in a relationship this constant feeling of facing EXTREM adversity or major issues is draining on the long run. She’d cry about it and I’d try to comfort her. I noticed how unusually long it would take for her to feel better. But more surprising was her reactions over minor issues that wouldn’t upset me or anyone I know to that extent.

Another thing that shocked me was how happy and loving she was one second and the next she’d snap and lose her temper over something minor not being able to outweigh the good vs bad. I tried to be careful about what I said but despite my efforts she’d always be able to see something negative in my statements. Lots of arguments started because of my eye contact. I’d look at her and she’d snap “Why do you roll your eyes at me like that, fine I just won’t talk!”, or my breathing “Why are you breathing like that?, fine I just won’t talk!”. Although I’d try to explain to her that I didn’t roll my eyes and that I was just breathing she’d see another meaning in it. “I’m never good enough for you!”.

Then, we started arguing about silly things. Maybe I was a bit too critical, especially when she’d commit the same mistakes over and over again: mainly, overspending and putting herself in the same state of financial distress she got out of, drinking on girls’ night’s out and black out, blow her money on weed before taking care of the bills.

The problem she has with weed didn’t seem like one at first. I’m tolerant and I didn’t have a problem with her smoking at night time. Soon though, it became after work and throughout the night, and after work-throughout the night and in bed, and in the end it was as soon as she’d wake up and until she’d go to bed. Having tried it personally, I felt like it had a depressant effect if I smoked daily for more than a week. When I’d bring it up she’d deny it and claim it helped her manage her emotions better. Fact of the matter is, the more she smoked the more irritable she became and the more impossible it was to even communicate with her which of course resulted in more arguments. More rolling eyes accusations, more hard breathing accusations, and I was almost always to blame. Sometimes I’m sure I was but I simply don’t know how to deal with this type of situation. I always tried to defuse her anger but sometimes it was just too much to take in and instead of calming down she’d blow up even more.

We had a serious conversation about our relationship on two occasions. We vowed to improve on our flaws and make this work. We’d put the effort into it and then give up and get back to our previous situation.

Everybody saw us as a strong couple. Both of our families met and liked each other. 

The last three weeks were very tough on me. She started staying in the bedroom and on the computer all the time. She retreated from our relationship before it had even ended. She wouldn’t spend time with me any longer. Then, she got sick and wanted to be babied. Things got better until she recovered and I felt this distance again. Two weeks before the end she expressed her anger towards me in the most brutal way she ever had and I felt like I no longer held that superstar place I once held in her heart. I didn’t really understand why and I resented the moment this would eventually end. In the last week she lined up friends after friends she’d meet every night and only return at midnight to sleep. Finally, I confronted her last Tuesday and told her how I felt. She broke down and confessed she was unhappy and needed time alone to figure things out. She said she felt depressed.

After a talk, we split up despite me wanting to try and work things out. We both have our wrongs in this relationship but I feel like we’re not even giving each other a chance to make it right. Now, we’re friends but can still work on our relationship, which is very ambiguous.  I feel like a big part of this break up is imputable to this condition that neither one of us can control.

A big part is also imputable to the weed. Is marijuana used/prescribed to help BPD patients? Is it a depressant like I claim it to be? The internet seems to have divergent views on this matter.

I had never actually researched or even heard of BPD before I met her. She gave me a fair definition of what it was and how it affected HER. I believed her when she said she had it under control. I feel like I/we should have researched how it could affect our relationship.

The article on this website matched what our relationship was like VERY accurately (90%). She hasn’t told anyone in her family that she suffers BPD but I feel like I have an obligation to warn them about it because they care about her and I know they don’t understand her reactions and that they would want to help her.

We met yesterday, she admitted that she’s been drinking every night, smoking excessively and taking mushrooms. It hurts to see her go that route after all the efforts. She’s giving up on herself and if she does she’s giving up on us as well.

 

Her reasons for breaking up:

Always has been dependent on someone and doesn’t want to depend on someone any longer (although she paid literally ½ the bills in this house).

Constantly arguing

I didn’t give her enough space - now, on one hand, to avoid arguments I’d go with her to the store or to her dad’s otherwise she’d feel rejected because if I said no she’d make a big deal out of it and/or possibly  cry over it. On the other, my constant presence was overwhelming (how do I win?)

I’d like to help her get better and work on her personal issues but her substance abuse is out of control. If I bring it up, I know she’ll take it in a negative way. She gets upset if anyone implies or calls her crazy and I know this is how she’ll take it.

Everybdoy that knows me is telling me to stop seeing her, that I’ll only suffer more if I hang on to it. When you’re not in a relationship it is easier said than done. Our “friendship” bothers me because obviously I’m not looking for a friendship.

Sorry if this stuff doesn’t make sense. I’ve been sleepless for a few days now :D I’m sure I'll add more stuff. I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

Who's had a similar experience and how did you deal with it?

[In_n_Out]

No worries-what you've written will "make sense" to all of us here as we've been through it or some of the things in some way with our pwBPD's.

My word of caution would be to *not* bring it up to her family.  Did you say that she was diagnosed or that you believe her to be BPD?  It doesn't matter and no matter how close that you are to her family, the outcome will not be a good one for you.  Trust me, I did it and it caused me to get painted black for a while with no contact and now I can't/don't speak to anyone in her family at all.  And that is one of our "sticking points" for how/why we can't just get back together.  Someone else wrote it here and I'll paraphrase but her family has dealt with her for her entire life.  They may not know a clinical name for what is going on with her, but trust me, they know *something* is amiss.  And if someone from outside of the family (you), despite all of your good intentions and how polite and respectful you word it, they will defend her and banish you for even suggesting it.  Been there, done that.

The only other suggestion would be to gain more knowledge on the subject of BPD if it is in fact your desire to try and get in to her good graces again and make things work.  Just know that the road ahead is a very bumpy one and sometimes you'll swear that you took the right turn only to find that you are completely lost again.  Resources here are great as well as several books. The one that I've recommended and in fact just purchased for my pwBPD (only because she asked me to get her a copy) is "Loving someone with BPD" by Shari Y. Manning PhD.  (www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075).  Validation of her emotions (not actions) is your greatest tool to use and will help open up the lines of communication and *hopefully* cut down on the rages.  My ex is a "waif" or quiet type so she doesn't rage but she gets emotionally dysregulated (crying, depressed) and will walk out when pushed to her limits.  This book has all but stopped that for us.  Oh, she gets dysregulated but I will validate the emotions and I can get her to eventually laugh and snap out of it.  See if it doesn't help you.  Good luck!

[AchingHeart]

Hi there,

thanks I appreciate the wise words and yes she's been diagnosed by three different people.

All of them came to the same conclusion.

I have done quite a bit of reading on BPD in the last week. I do understand it a bit better but that doesn't make it any easier. The article that describes a relationship with a BPD person seems very critical. It is as though, it suggests it's not worth spending the effort or time in a relationship with a BPD person because you will inevitably get hurt and the cycle might/might not start all over again.

Compared to some of the threads here, she could moderate her rage and know what would really hurt so I would say her rage was somewhat under control. Occasional outbursts were really violent, uncalled for and excessive. I'll try the literature if things work out.

I remember telling her that I didn't understand why she was getting upset at times. She'd get frustrated because it was all clear to her!

I just don't seem to understand what she wants and that's the hardest part. She made an effort to look really good for our day out but keeps sending contradicting messages.

We're friend but we're working on our relationship. It is as though, she wants to break up but is still scared of being alone so wants that door open just in case she needs to take that route again.

During our conversation Friday we agreed that living together would be a no no for now.

She's already talking about getting her place.

Here's the thing however, I don't know if we'll ever get back together. I don't know if I want to get back together. Neither of us really wants to argue constantly any longer but we have spent two years of our lives together. We were talking about our future projects just DAYS before we split up and she confessed feeling depressed.

How do you go from "You're the man of my life" to never mind this is not working too well?

I'd like to hear from people who've been in similar situations. How they dealt with it and which decision they took.

I suppose the decision is already taken, we are broken up but is it worth trying to work it out?

On my end, I suppose I WANT to see us getting back together.

We met Saturday or Friday and it is as though nothing happened. She was very friendly and bubbly and told me about her day.

We talked some and agreed that we needed some space and time apart. She's sending two different messages though. She'd like to get back together and on the other hand is telling me I'm just fine without her and deleted ALL of our pictures from her FB the very next day we split up... .

I am just very confused as to what to do. She's on my mind all the time. I'd like to call her and  to her but I know I'll just push her away. I'm trying to give her the space she needs.

[In_n_Out]

Yeah, well go read my thread "R/S advice, BPD style" (all 5 pages) and you'll find out exactly how frustrating it can be trying to make up.  It's also quite exciting for me at times.  I'm getting the mixed signals too; seems like we might be talking reconciliation and then she has day date with my replacement.

Just know that BPD's are very conflicted.  They can't think straight with all of those emotions amped up on "12" a lot of the time like they are.  So they will flip-flop on their decisions worse than any politician you can think of.  They will try to bring you closer so that you don't leave them, only to push you away as they begin to feel engulfed.  One of the things that draws you in is their apparent vulnerability.  You *want* to help them.  You *know* what their problem is and... . only if... . they could just understand what you're trying to tell them about how they could get out of the tailspin that they always seem to find themselves in... . well then you could work on just being happy together.  Nuh-uh, doesn't work that way unfortunately. You can't rationalize with them because what is rational in your mind (the other 90% of us) is non-rational to them (the 10% BPD) because they have had their brains wired in a different way in order to survive the abandonment/hurt/emotions/etc that they dealt with all of their lives. 

So far, the closest that I've come with being happy with my pwBPD is the validation and stuff that I've learned.  Still though, she is seeing somebody else but is going through the idolization period with me all over again as if though we had just met.  So I fully expect the bubble to burst again.  Key point: Judge them by their actions, not their words.  They will be crafty with their words and you will hear just what you want.  It's their actions that you have to look at (or inaction as the case may be).  And really, if you listen to their words... . they don't lie (well, within reason), they will tell you what is on their mind but they will twist it up a bit so that it sounds real sweet to your ears.  Pick it apart and you reveal the truth.

Again, all my $.02 and personal experience with a pwBPD.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  Count me as one who can relate.  I certainly know the feeling of being with a woman whose life sounds like complete turmoil from birth until the day we met.  And I certainly know the unsettled feeling that comes when you think you have moved past one issue only to have 3 new ones dump on the table.  That's the situation I am in now.  It feels like we get one thing secured, but then a new crisis the next day.  Every day for the past year has practically been a crisis of some sort, and most are simply ordinary events!  I don't think she is comfortable being stable, so she makes things go bad in her brain, so that she has something to worry about or complain about.  And after a year with her, I can't see where any one thing has been solved.  Those things that I thought were solved only come back a few weeks or months later.    

And from what I read and from what I am told - this is typical BPD.  It may get better, but don't expect it to get better.  But it's won't go away - EVER.  My GF will always struggle with depression, loneliness, neediness, empty feelings, and will struggle to keep herself calm.  I suspect your ex will be the same way.

I'll say one thing - substance abuse/BPD is always a BAD combination.  This includes weed and alcohol.  Unless she completely sobers up, she will not get better, EVER.  There's no way a person can tackle their core issues if he/she is always seeking escapes in substances.  Oh, and the overspending and high numbers of sex partners are the same thing - an addiction.  She's using all of that to avoid facing herself.  I'd suggest this being a very firm boundary for you if considering getting back together - that she be completely sober.

My other advice - focus on yourself.  Hobbies are good.  So would a sports league, a class, or a vacation by yourself.  ANYTHING to get your mind off her.  Another thing that has greatly helped me was Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.  It's for friends and families of addicts.  That group really opened my eyes to the nature of addiction and how powerless addicts are over their addictions, and how powerless I am to help them.  I've now dated two addicts.  When I broke up with the previous one, Nar-Anon gave me a TON of insight and closure - helped me understand the dynamic of that relationship and how it was doomed no matter what I did.

Hang in there - I'm glad you found this place.

[Split black]

Wow.  Count me as one who can relate.  I certainly know the feeling of being with a woman whose life sounds like complete turmoil from birth until the day we met.  And I certainly know the unsettled feeling that comes when you think you have moved past one issue only to have 3 new ones dump on the table.  

I'll say one thing - substance abuse/BPD is always a BAD combination.  This includes weed and alcohol.  Unless she completely sobers up, she will not get better, EVER.  There's no way a person can tackle their core issues if he/she is always seeking escapes in substances.  Oh, and the overspending and high numbers of sex partners are the same thing - an addiction.  She's using all of that to avoid facing herself.  I'd suggest this being a very firm boundary for you if considering getting back together - that she be completely sober.

This is mine to a tee. Addict... . booze, coke, pain killers, weed... .   and the next morning shes normal. Her day consists... or it used to haven't seen her for a month, of getting her supply to numb her out enough to make it through the day.

And to that lying and cheating constantly, triangulating, blame shifting, manipulating, and as much empathy as a scorpion.

ahhh but those few good times... . and that body. She sure did find a chump in me.

[AchingHeart]

You have no idea (well... . I'm sure you do) how good it feels to be able to hear from people who have had similar experiences.

I have read through that thread (only the 1st page so far) and there are so many similarities in the way our GFs/ExGFs behave(d). I'll read more tonight after class.

I have experienced the whole "let's get a baby situation". As a matter of fact, it was one of the major reasons we split up.

She is 26 and I am 24, because of the whole adoption episode in her life she always felt as though she passed her only chance to ever give birth to a child. She brought the children conversation several times and I simply explained to her I did want children but just wasn't ready now and probably wouldn't be ready in a year from now either. So every time she'd bring up the "when we'll have children" conversation I'd just joke around and say "in 50 years". Although she's told me she won't just go and get pregnant tomorrow I fear that it will inevitably happen sooner or later. Her IUD is due in just a couple of months and I know she had no plans of renewing it because according to her it killed her libido.

Today she messaged me and keeps behaving as though nothing has happened. She keeps telling me about her day, her issues, how she loves playing with her little niece now that she moved back to her dad's (only to find the guest room occupied by her sister and niece.)

Last Friday, she stopped by to drop some cat food (she adopted the cat but can't take it at her dad's as the dog would eat it... . ), she asked if she could stay do her HW. I asked her to leave and sure enough that upset her. She felt rejected and started crying saying she didn't know how she'll be able to do her HW in time now.

Mind you, her college is 1.5 miles away from my place and 5miles away from her work. I reminded her of that and of course she came up with an excuse not to go there and simply left crying.

On our day out the other day again she confused with me how she felt about our situation. She does want to make things work out but at the same time, and according to her, as soon as we met Friday "we argued" (me telling her I was about to leave so she couldn't stay do her HW). I tried to explain we really didn't argue but of course her version is the right one... . so we argued and I'm the bad person.

On a recent conversation we had she asked me how I was doing. I admitted to her it was different. She apologized and I told her she didn't need to as there was nothing wrong with that (trying to get a reaction). At which point she became defensive and asked me what I meant by that. So although we're split up, she still seems to care about me enough to have me in her life until she "figures things out".

So many contradicting messages. I'm extremely confused as to where we're going and what we're doing.

One thing is sure, I don't want to experience the things you have described on the first page of your thread in-n-out. I'd rather suffer now and try to move on.

The problem is, I still have feelings for her, and I would probably take her back if she knocked at the door tomorrow.

What concerns me the most is that she seems to drift into this drug abuse/alcohol abuse habit again. She told me she was miserable when she was drinking. It's like watching someone shoot himself/herself in the foot really.

[maxsterling]

About the child thing - been there, done that.  Actually, my GF's story is similar here - about 8 months before she met me, she had an abortion.  Of course, she made it sound like she had no other choice, that the guy dumped her, she had no money, was living overseas, etc.  Reality?  She was careless, probably raged at the guy, blamed him, and he took off to protect himself.  At least that's what I think likely happened.  After that?  She said she contacted fertility clinics, asked a gay friend of hers to be a donor, and even told me she considered sleeping around in hopes of getting pregnant again.  And for awhile with me, she refused to use birth control pills, and would make mean comments when I would reach for a condom.  She was on my case about having a baby 2 months after we met.  Every other week or so she still brings it up, and constantly talks about baby names. 

I tell you this as a stern warning - BE CAREFUL. 

As for the drug addiction thing - that stuff blows my mind.  I just don't understand it and it IS incredibly sad.  They know its bad for them, and will kill them, yet they continue.  I reiterate my suggestion going to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting, just to listen.  It certainly put things into perspective for me.

[Narellan]

Thanks for posting your experience, its similar to what im going through right at this moment. Im almost into 3 weeks NC, and its starting to physically feel a bit easier, but the abrupt split caused me so much heartbreak. I was only with him for 4 months, and in that time had 3 splits, all to do with intimacy and the title of our relationship. I thought we were on the same page as he had "waited for me his whole life", but then he just wanted friendship.The past month however the relationship intensified, and i was on a pedestal for the longest time, and adoring accolades constantly given to me. He left the state for work purposes for several months and the contact just became all consuming. Constant texts and facebook messages and phone calls, all instigated by him. After only 2 weeks of being away i flew to be with him for several days. Blissful time, not a single disagreement, and i was "made for him". He then posted photos of us kissing, cuddling, travelling together on FB, which i was fine with. A few of our mutual friends made comments and he replied confirming we were together. On my return home one of my friends commented about me "meeting a new man", and when i casually mentioned this to him during a phonecall, he instantly freaked, saying "why didnt you tell her we are just friends"

I was gobsmacked, but just replied, "shes seen all the FB photos, its pretty clear were not just friends."

Phonecall ended ok, but within an hour every photo had disappeared from FB, and i rang to see why, disappointed they had gone from my wall too, and he bluntly says "were not in a relationship, were just friends"

Devastated... . I hung up, sent one text to say how hurt and humilated and confused i felt, and nothing... . No contact since. 3 weeks ago.

The difficult thing for me is he is very open and communicative, we shared everything and we were so intimate, and the sex was like ive never known. I keep questioning how i misread this... . And the things he told me about how i was made for him keep running through my head. Ive made myself sick over it, i feel like ive lost my soulmate. He never raged or even raised his voice, but has said the occasional cruel things. But then ive only known him a short while, anything possible.

Erratic posts followed from him on FB, all attention seeking i felt, including posting on a girls photo to come over to his place, and on another she took his breath away. so i got off FB for a few days, and he settled. When he wasnt getting a reaction, or audience.

And a couple of days ago he reposted 3 photos of us kissing, close up, and a reflective comment. I didnt respond. And now hes been off FB for a couple of days, Im feeling that he was testing the water to see if i would contact him, and now feels depressed/rejected. I dont know what i want either. Some consistency would be nice. I was pretty sure after the photos were reposted he would call, but no. Nothings predictable.

[AchingHeart]

Maxsterling thanks for sharing your experience.

Yes, I agree the drug addiction is one of the worst part about this disorder.

There's just no helping them if they don't decide to help themselves. I saw it first hand.

She actually put the effort into it at first and cut back on the weed consumption.

She used to chew tobacco and quit when we started dating.

She used to get drunk every night and quit drinking when we got together.

It is as though she tried to be a person she just can't be.

She tried to be a very sweet person throughout our relationship because she claimed nobody ever took care of her like I did. I actually believe her on that. Previous guys in her relationships treated her very poorly.

In-n-Out, I'm still reading your thread but man is it healing. I'm pretty sure I don't want to get back with her.

I know that I'm still weak and that if she calls, texts or shows up to hang out I'll most likely embrace the opportunity to spend just a little more time with her. I know in the morning I'll feel down because the bed will be empty but I'll remember what you shared and hopefully that'll help me feel better.

I could identify myself in all of your posts down to the pounds you put on during that relationship  . This is how it would have gone down for me I'm sure. The reason for that is that we seem to have similar personalities, very forgiving, loving and want to believe it'll get better. I'll read the last two pages tomorrow and thanks for sharing that thread!

Narellan, I understand where you're coming from and I also understand how confused you are right now.

Fact of the matter is we're trying to understand things that they don't understand themselves (that was on I/O's thread, very helpful I definitely recommend you read some of it).

I know how painful it is to see pictures of the person you've shared your life with disappear in a blink of an eye. As if, nothing had happened between you two. I'm also dealing with the coldness and although we're still in touch, I know the time will come she either blocks me or I block her. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully things will start getting better from now on.

[AchingHeart]

Well the whole get better thing didn't last that long.

She called me yesterday morning (well returned my call really).

We had a great conversation, we talked about our days apart what we've been up to and some more random chit chatting.

She told me she got approved for a credit card (I didn't say anything about it, hopefully she's learned to manage her finances by now). She's following her family's advice in an attempt to increase her credit score.

What bothers me is that she already has "a plan" about the credit card. She'll only max it out if "S- happens".

We planned to spend our Sunday night together. Watching movies and catching up. I know it is a bad idea, but the break up is so recent and I'm still unsure of what I want to do or where we're even at... .

She just got me hoping again. I receive texts of her telling me how her day is going, what she's doing, pictures of where's she at.

I've tried not to answer or return very short answers. "Yup, ok, cool"

She's trying to push my buttons. Posting about how she's hanging out with so and so and drinking packs of beers.

It is tormenting me and she knows it. I want to call her, I want to tell her to stop all the nonsense and come back to her senses, but of course that would just end it for good.

Today's phone call went alright. She's very hangover, drank beers and liquor and more beers and more liquor to the point she threw up and blacked out last night. I don't even know why she tells me that part. She knows I don't like it. Not that I have a problem with alcohol but I have a problem with excessive drinking.

Meanwhile, she still has the key to my place and when she left she took half of my clothes (go figure). So now I have to chase her down and get my belongings back anyway. I'm not sure I want the key back just yet. Maybe if she hangs on to it for now she'll realize where she needs to be.

I went from seeing clear to being in the FOG again in just a couple of days.

I looked for an Al/Nar- anon meeting but the closest one is over an hour drive away

[Split black]

She called me yesterday morning (well returned my call really).

We had a great conversation, we talked about our days apart what we've been up to and some more random chit chatting.


She just got me hoping again. I receive texts of her telling me how her day is going, what she's doing, pictures of where's she at.

I've tried not to answer or return very short answers. "Yup, ok, cool"

She's trying to push my buttons. Posting about how she's hanging out with so and so and drinking packs of beers.

It is tormenting me and she knows it. I want to call her, I want to tell her to stop all the nonsense and come back to her senses, but of course that would just end it for good.

Today's phone call went alright. She's very hangover, drank beers and liquor and more beers and more liquor to the point she threw up and blacked out last night. I don't even know why she tells me that part. She knows I don't like it. Not that I have a problem with alcohol but I have a problem with excessive drinking.

Meanwhile, she still has the key to my place and when she left she took half of my clothes (go figure). So now I have to chase her down and get my belongings back anyway. I'm not sure I want the key back just yet. Maybe if she hangs on to it for now she'll realize where she needs to be.

I went from seeing clear to being in the FOG again in just a couple of days.

I looked for an Al/Nar- anon meeting but the closest one is over an hour drive away

Im going on a month of NC and a bit over that not seeing her. Fog has lifted somewhat but still think about her every day. Not obsessing... . angry... accepting... denial... . anger... accepting...    Its helped a lot that I started dating a very pretty girl that I knew for a bit before my psycho borderline. But having been split black 4 times... . I have been thru EXACTLY what you are going thru right now. You're going to bang her... or have already and shes going to own your soul again. Your going to feel incredible anxiety, when she eh forgets to charge her cell phone... . and those black outs... . mine used to love to tell me she doesn't know what happened. And of course she was sleeping over at a girl friends house or some lie, and guys were there... . I wonder how many dudes in how many different drunken, drugged out coked out frenzies... .   I cant tell you what to do, but if you enjoy feeling like this then THIS sick feeling you have will never go away, because shes never going to see the light at the end of the tunnel... . unless its a train headed her way. I sorry she has you back in the hope loop.

[AchingHeart]

Split Black I'm happy you've started dating. I hope you find happiness with that girl.

I wish I could but I don't think I'd be ready.

The last few days have been hell for me.

Right now, I hate her but I love her too.

So much fear and so much guilt going through my head in the last few days.

I keep thinking that maybe I could have saved this or that I could have put more effort into it.

I'm going through the cycles of anger, denial, denial,denial, denial, anger, acceptance (doesn't last more than 5 minutes), more denial accompanied with a lot of sadness and a touch of anxiety here and there.

I've taken on all the possible activities and hobbies you can think off.

Even while working out I'm thinking  about our relationship.

I'm hating her more and more though so hopefully hatred takes over and I don't feel anything but hatred towards her (until I'm over it). I can't believe I went through all the S*** with her for nothing.

I wish I would have researched about BPD before we went that far in our relationship.

Haven't heard from her in over a day now. I tried calling last morning and I got the text:

"Running late will call you later".

When she called back I didn't pick up. This is the first day of NC and I'm struggling.

I don't know what to do for this Sunday. Whether to call it off or not.

I know I should probably call it off but I also know I'll probably still go for it.

Again, I appreciate the tough love and sharing your experience with me.

[AchingHeart]

A few days ago I received a text: "Coming after work to drop some cat food off"

I panicked, anxiety kicked in. I didn't want to see her.

Luckily a member on these boards answered to some of my questions through a PM.

His wise words really helped me calm down and face her that day.

She stopped by, dropped the cat food, played with the cat for a minute or two.

Then she asked how I was. I told her I was doing good.

I asked her how she was, she told me about her day.

I asked: ":)o you miss me yet?" and the emotions I could read on her face changed all of sudden.

She put her head down, she looked guilty or ashamed and answer yes.

Stunned I asked again, and again she confirmed it "Yes, I told you yes."

She got upset. She felt vulnerable.

I thanked her for the food and walked her out.

Many have argued that seeing her would just prolong that hurtful period.

In fact, seeing her suffer even a bit made me feel good that day.

I know it sounds terribly wrong but the hardest part thus far was her "I don't care" attitude, her coldness and her distance.

This relationship ended so abruptly and for no good reason other than crazy ones.

It is as though, she knows or realized things shouldn't have ended that way.

Today we were supposed to meet.

In the afternoon I started thinking about it. It wouldn't leave my mind. I was looking forward to it but at the same time I was reluctant.  I got done with a group I had to meet and I called her to check on her.

She didn't answer. I tried later... . same deal.

I received her text: "Conference Call".

Everyday this week she had a "Conference call" and had to end the conversation abruptly. I sensed something was not right, I know she's hiding something.

She calls me back an hour later. Again she asks what I'm doing, how I'm doing, etc... . I tell her about my day she tells me about her last few days.

At the end she says: "You know, about tonight, I don't think I can make it. I'm really not trying to blow you off I'm just not feeling good. It's not because I drank too much last night".

She's the kind of person you'd see in a movie: She'd be the " It wasn't me" character, but the audience knows that it was him/her. She's a terrible liar too. The pitch of her voice changes, it becomes all soft.

I get home I'm depressed. Family calls me and they know something's up.

I tell them about my day and they all yell at me at the same time.

"

D- Get over it!

M - She's such a b$#@!

S - Who wants a girl like that!

D- She has all the problems in the world and more! You're crazy to have gotten in this relationship in the first place."

But the feelings are still there I tell them but they don't understand it.

Now she's playing the silent game and hasn't answered any of the texts (2 of them). This is killing me.  :'(

[AchingHeart]

There's just no hope is there?

This is pretty much done and over with.

This relationship was essentially doomed before it even began?

I wish I had looked for BPD when she told me about it.

What a waste of two years!

[corraline]

Was it all a waste of two years?  There must have been something good in it.

I know with all of the horrid things that are so unbearable to think about , I had plenty of good times.

I'm trying to find the silver lining in it all by being here now. I think its what alot of people say here. Finding ourselves in it all. I sometimes get sad when i see a motorcycle going down the road (which is often of course) and I think about the times we were on his together. I loved that. That will be no longer. I have to be ok with that.  Besides who says i can't meet someone else with one some day?

How about even getting my own ? Try to find something in this that helps you. Its there.

[AchingHeart]

Well we had a phone conversation this morning.

I asked if we could have a serious conversation this time.

Anytime we've tried to talk to each other I either didn't have the time or she would end the conversations abruptly. I asked her what she was doing on her end to make the relationship better. She answered "I don't know".

So I said ":)on't you want to make this work?"

I got the same answer "I don't know"

"I don't think we should be together, it's just not working."

"You keep bringing our relationship up. Why are you torturing me. You're not giving me enough space"

We haven't talked at all in two weeks. She's only dropped cat food once and stayed 4-5minutes tops. Half of that time was cat play time. We've only texted a handful of times over random things really.

I asked her "what's not working?" and she says she just needs time alone to figure things out on her own.

She wants to take care of her health issues, she wants to figure out her schooling, her finances.

I ask her what ended us and she says she just needs to be happy, she's been happy on her own.

It's a lot to take in.

She no longer wants to argue. She doesn't want to move if my career requires it.

I only brought it up once and asked her what her opinion would be on it. I never actually asked her to move out anywhere. Yet, it seems to be a big issue one of the reasons we are no more.

The arguments are too much to take in she says. I tell her we haven't had any major arguments, only silly ones.

"How about the hallway?" one she says.

The Hallway Argument:

That morning I was supposed to meet a group and study. The group didn't meet so I stayed home.

She got out of bed and just started calling me lazy, calling me names, calling me a loser for no good reason. Come to find out, it is because I told her I didn't have time to cuddle that morning. Yet, I was still walking around the house. (I found out the group wouldn't meet after I got dressed up).

So I asked her to calm down. After five minutes of calling me names I put my hands around my head and yell "be quiet! Leave me alone!".

She looks at me: "What? Are you going to hit me now?"

Stunned, I literally answer "what the heck?"

"Why are you waving your fist at me?" She screams.

"I'm not waving my fist I'm just asking you to leave me alone!"

I could read the confusion on her face but I know I wasn't violent. I didn't corner her, I didn't get close to her, I didn't arm my fist as though I wasn't going to hit anything my hands were just around my head .



This right there, that's exactly what I did. Imagine that guy yelling: " Be quiet! Leave me alone! "

I left the house. I came back later. We talked it out.

":)on't ever threaten me like that" she said.

I tell her once more I really didn't.

I still apologize for it. I take the blame.

I reminded her she came storming out of the bedroom and calling me names for no reason.

To her the reason is clear and it is because I wouldn't cuddle in the morning, but I was still di**ing  around the house an hour later. I should have told her I didn't want cuddles that morning she says.

There has been a few arguments that we've had, that she recollects fairly accurately, but it is as though she adds her little twist to the story, or over-exaggerates what had been said or done.

There's been another argument where she blew up on me for no good reason other than to be plain mean. Frustrated, I got up and tossed the remote on the floor, on the shoes as to not break it. The following day she accused me of throwing it at her.

I don't know if I'm the one losing it or if she's just playing mindgames with me. I'm 100% sure I've never been violent. Yet, she keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Unless I suffer from some severe type of schizophrenia there's a problem there.

I know I haven't thrown a remote at her.

Other violent arguments that we've had in the past were always my fault. I always started the fight. Fact of the matter is, she would just have these anger outbursts out of nowhere. Every time, it was my fault. Every time, the fight had been caused and triggered by me. I know that's not true.

Of course there has been arguments that I'm sure I've caused, it is inevitable in any relationship.

It still makes me feel horrible that she now looks at me this way though. I'm not a violent person. I never have been. I've never ever been in a fight. I've never punched anyone. I've never slapped anyone. I haven't even pushed anyone. I am not a violent person at all!

Over the phone I kept asking her to just make this a little clearer, give me closure so I can move on.

She gave me three different reasons each time I asked her to stay on track because she would just start screaming at me.

"See? That's why! We're arguing right now!"

I was calm the entire time. I didn't argue. I was just trying to get answers, trying to figure out the why.

I ask her again. This time it is because I didn't want children right NOW. I didn't want to get married right NOW. She wants to get married and have children now! She assures me that she's not trying to go and get pregnant by the first guy she'll meet (although I have a feeling this is exactly what's going to happen). She tells me how all these men are interested in her and are asking her on date nights. She knows I'm still hurting and don't want to be hearing things like that. Her point was that despite the interest she's getting, she hasn't gotten with anyone.

A few minutes go by. She's crying. I'm struggling too. She repeats I'm not giving her enough space. She tried to make this easy she says.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship. We're too different. We argue too much.

I reminded her of the good times we've had.  Nothing matters to her anymore. I could feel it.

She's moved on.

My head is a mess. I don't know what to think now. I have so many memories and thoughts just flashing in my head.

It's very hard on me. Everyday for the last two weeks we'd send a little text to each other.

She kept that hope up, although deep down I was 99% sure it was done and over with.

Now, I'm devastated. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just hate her.

Worst part is she started yelling over the phone how I raised my fist on her. Of course her whole family was there. Now, I'm the bad guy, the abusive person.

This just doesn't make any sense at all.

I'm not an abusive person. She knows it too. I told her she's portraying me in a very negative way.

She said she didn't mean too. "You're a wonderful person, you're a beautiful person".

For now she doesn't want to try, but again she dropped that line "but we never know what the future holds."

I'm flying abroad to stay with family for a week after the finals. I told her that two weeks ago so that she could make arrangements for the cat.

Sure enough, she just wants to return the cat, like it is a disposable item.

She is the legal owner so I have no control over the cat. She asked for this cat for 6 months before I finally gave in. We got the cat, and she didn't even play or care after her. Why would you take my cat away now... .

As soon as we got off the phone she switched her profile to single.

Feeling depressed and down.

:'(

[AchingHeart]

Was it all a waste of two years?  There must have been something good in it.

I know with all of the horrid things that are so unbearable to think about , I had plenty of good times.

I'm trying to find the silver lining in it all by being here now. I think its what alot of people say here. Finding ourselves in it all. I sometimes get sad when i see a motorcycle going down the road (which is often of course) and I think about the times we were on his together. I loved that. That will be no longer. I have to be ok with that.  Besides who says i can't meet someone else with one some day?

How about even getting my own ? Try to find something in this that helps you. Its there.

There are good memories. The problem is I got with her almost as soon as I moved here.

She introduced me to all these places. Wherever I go now I think of the first time we went there together.

I took her to the few places I knew and they became our places.

I'm trying to find something. I need to put more thoughts into it.

Thats not a good sign if I have to actually put thoughts into this.