My BPDw's embarrassing moment with me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDw has been so very busy for over a month with her studies and with her work. Even though we have talked with one another briefly each day, the epitome of her not noticing me came back to bite her today. She came into my room to talk about how busy she is, etc. Then, she looked at the top of my head and asked me when I got a haircut. I told her 2 weeks ago! She immediately turned red in the face and started laughing. I would have taken her laughing at me personally, but I realize that it was her way of coping how busy and unobservant she has been. I didn't put her down. I just stated that it was 2 weeks ago. On the other hand, I felt like crying inside, because that is how far apart she is from the idea of us being a couple.

I didn't let the above get to me too much, because I had a great day inspite of this situation. I saw "Gravity" which is a great movie, and I tutored a student who was about to give up on Spanish. Now, she feels 100% better about Spanish. So, these 2 positive events truly do overshadow my BPDw's unwillingness to be a couple. I just wish it weren't like this!  :'(

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has been so very busy for over a month with her studies and with her work. Even though we have talked with one another briefly each day, the epitome of her not noticing me came back to bite her today. She came into my room to talk about how busy she is, etc. Then, she looked at the top of my head and asked me when I got a haircut. I told her 2 weeks ago! She immediately turned red in the face and started laughing. I would have taken her laughing at me personally, but I realize that it was her way of coping how busy and unobservant she has been. I didn't put her down. I just stated that it was 2 weeks ago. On the other hand, I felt like crying inside, because that is how far apart she is from the idea of us being a couple.

I didn't let the above get to me too much, because I had a great day inspite of this situation. I saw "Gravity" which is a great movie, and I tutored a student who was about to give up on Spanish. Now, she feels 100% better about Spanish. So, these 2 positive events truly do overshadow my BPDw's unwillingness to be a couple. I just wish it weren't like this!  :'(

[Samuel S.]

Now, I am feeling really sad and hurt, because not only am I not being heard, I am not even being seen along with laughed at. Thanks, BPDw. If I knew this kind of thing would happen when I married her. I would have called off the wedding permanently!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Samuel S, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I would be hurt if I were in your position, too. It's painful not to be seen.

You say you're also being laughed at, what happened?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw was laughing nearly for 2 minutes straight about the fact that she didn't notice that I got a haircut 2 weeks ago. She has been so immersed into herself, into her studies, being out of town to attend school, and into her work, that she didn't even notice my haircut. Laughing was her coping mechanism in order to hide her embarrassment. To her, it was funny. Granted, she and I have talked maybe a couple of minutes in the morning and in the evening, when she is around, but that is all. To me, it is a pathetic realization that she has no idea about me even physically. She will ask how I am, but she is really not wanting to listen, because she involves herself into herself. I have brought up couple counseling, but she has said she has no time for that, and she needs to work on herself first. She has been working on herself first for the past 5 or 6 years. I have come to the realization that she is a "drama queen" to occupy herself with "what ifs" and things in the future instead of the very person who loves her - me. That is why I am so very sad, hurt, and angry. That is why I have extended myself out to others as much as I can. Indeed, we are not a couple, because she refuses to be one. Closeness for her is not an option unfortunately while a marriage is for closeness.

[starkwell]

It's a lonely feeling. Sometimes the thoughts come: "am I even here?" and "am I invisible?" and "what difference am I making?". 

Glad that through your student you see that you can have a positive impact on the people in your life. You still matter. You'd want your wife to make you feel that way, but you can't. So you do what we all do... .try to make the best of it.

I have children who need me and parents who care... .I try to remember that. If I didn't, I'd be in trouble... .

I have to listen to hours and hours of telling and re-telling of everything that happens with her on a daily basis. Since she only has work "friends" left, it is just the tae of each workday. Meanwhile, she has only the slightest grasp of what I do for a living. I never try to tell a story or (god forbid) relate some stresses I'm having at work. That's just a trigger for her to outdo me... .because no one could have it tougher than she does.

Don't try to "compete" by trying to tell her what you do or how you feel... .There's no point. Just find the people who you can talk to, who have the ability to listen, and the capacity to sincerely care. 

[Samuel S.]

Starwell, you definitely have a way with words about you! You so aptly describe what it is like being with a BPD who only cares about herself/himself. Yeah, your questions about your purpose of being there, being invisible, and making a difference are powerful and puzzling for us non BPDs. For me, I always have kept saying that where there's life, there's hope. Perhaps, she'll change. Perhaps, if I validate her even more so, things will be different. Perhaps, this. Perhaps, that. Nevertheless, they are almost like addicts who continuously resort to their old habits of being selfish and not really being aware of anyone or anything else around them. My BPDw came back from staying overnight to attend her classes, giving a big sigh of relief and saying that her work is cut out with all of her studies and tests. She opened up her mail about one of our bills and asked me about it. Then, she continued her monologue of saying things about it with her asking me again, but never wanting me to answer. It took me a good 5 minutes before she was ready to listen. If I were to behave in this fashion with her, she would definitely be angry.

Starkwell, yes, it definitely is difficult to leave emotionally or otherwise when there are children present, and, yes, being there for them, me being there for my students definitely can make the difference for them and for me, but where I feel oftentimes lost is when I am not around them and have to face the reality of being around my BPDw. That's why I go to movies, go to fairs, and go out of town to take care of myself. Sadly, I wish she would join me, or I wish she and I could do things together. Those times are long past! To top it all off, and this is hard to admit, a very sexy lady of a friend of mine is very impressed with me and wants me to go to her home. While I am interested, to do so will only create more problems and not less, but nevertheless, she is very tempting.

[starkwell]

What a great thing for your ego to have someone interested in you in that way! Seriously... . we get beaten down so much and our self-confidence is dragged down so low, how elated you must feel to get that validation!

Now, the question is whether you should pursue... . I agree with you that it would, in the end, cause more problems than it would solve. But, no judgement here... . If you just said "the hell with it" I wouldn't blame you at all!

I haven't had someone intimate any interest to me... . But I'm so closed off that the signals I'm sending are probably that I have something wrong with me and STAY AWAY! Plus, the number one thing women are attracted to is confidence... . which I no longer have.

Or if anything starts going in that direction I get really scared immediately and bolt. I'm scared of being caught, accused, screamed at, slapped, punched, kicked. I'm afraid it will just be one more terrible fight my kids will witness. Not worth it. I don't have the energy for it.

I'm trying to get to that detachment phase... . that phase where you try to bore them in the hopes they'll lose interest in you.