Sharing as a helpful tool

[griz]

I noticed the other day something that I have gotten into the habit of doing and I realized it is very helpful so I thought I would share it here.  Keep in mind I am not a therapist and I don't have any special skills, it is just something that I found as a mom.

A few months ago after not having much success with my own therapist my DD suggested I try seeing an individual therapist at the DBT center.  It was a great suggestion because she understands and has helped me make tremendous steps forward.  I guess I am happy about the progress I am making so I often will share with DD something I spoken about in therapy or maybe how I handled a situation better and it opens up discussion.

Yesterday at work someone in my office who likes to poke fun at me, he thinks it is all in good humor, was relentlessly poking fun about something I said.  In the past my MO is to say nothing and even though I am angry I will hold it inside and let it bother me all day.  But I have learned to set better boundaries with people around me and I very nicely let him know that enough was enough and I wanted this behavior to stop.  I shared this with DD, telling her how proud of myself I was and it started a whole conversation on how she feels when people are mean or poke fun at her.  We actually talked about specific examples and kind of played through how she could handle it next time when it happens.

Sharing with her my stuggles or even asking her advice on how to handle a situation makes her feel good and very often her suggestions are very useful.  I also think that having her come up with a possible solution for my dilema helps her to work through her skills in her mind and in a way is almost like practice. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

griz this is brilliant! I really need to try to do this too. I have only managed a couple of times to model good behavior but I think I really need to try to do this more. Excellent idea... .one that I kind of forgot about.

[griz]

Yes jellibeans the modeling is good and I also think it is in it's own way very validating for her to see that sometimes others struggle with their emotions or acting in an appropriate manner.  This BPD journey has taught me alot and one of the things that I learned is that SI comes in many forms.  It alarms us when someone physically harms themselves but isn't somewhat self injurious to mentally allow things to harm us.  I grew up being the "good girl".  Always doing the right thing, always turning the other cheek.  In just a few months of GOOD therapy I have realized that I have always allowed other people to cross boundaries, to say things to me I should not allow, to treat me in a way that was really not acceptable and with this I carried around a lot of hurt and a lot of anger.  So I didn't physically Self injure but I mentally self injured.  I am learning new skills to not allow that anymore just like someone who physically self injures or self medicates has to learn the same skills.  It is not easy.  It takes alot of practice for me to get up the guts to enforce boundaries so now I understand so much better how hard it is for our children. 

So if there is a silver lining in the BPD cloud, for me it is seeing myself grow at 55 years old and be the person I deserve to be.

Griz

[pessim-optimist]

Wow, thank you for sharing this, Griz!

I am so happy for you and also for your dd!

I've been going through a journey of my own of learning new behaviors: of being more assertive in a healthy way, where sometimes I would have done nothing in the past, and let things build. Also, I am learning to be more pro-active early in a polite way to prevent problems, rather than resulting to being a bit pushy and insensitive when things build up. At first, it made me feel uncomfortable (trying new behaviors), but with time, it gets easier and with positive results, it's becoming almost exciting - it's kind of an adventure with open horizons.   

[bluebell7]

Thanks so much for sharing.  I'll try to look for opportunities to share that way--with my uDBPD daughter!

[jellibeans]

thanks griz... .I think we have a lot in common... .I wonder if that has been the trouble with our dd's... .I remember a post a while ago about being the victim... .i  feel I sacrific my happiness at times and want to fix everything for my dd and that really has not helped her grow, Excellent post... .I am really going to try and model more. I had a very bad week this week... .everything seemed to go wrong and I picked up my daughter from school. She was trying to talk to me about something she wanted and I just told her that I was not in the mood to talk. That I was upset and that I think we should talk later. I knew my mood was terrible. Not sure if that was good modeling but I do think it is good when you realize that any conversation you have at that moment was not going to be a good one.

baby steps for me and my dd... .I just have to try and do better and learn from my mistakes. thanks again

[Gidget]

Great griz, I to have finally learned how very little boundaries I had for myself. Always afraid of conflict when my daughter was living home especially between her and her Step Dad. I WAS THE PEACEKEEPER I believe I sacrificed my SELF to try and fix everything.

Everything crashed around me the last couple of years. I had to face myself and how I didn't handle things in a healthy way I thought I had it all together Got things pretty wrong. Even the boundaries between my husband and I for the sake of peace and guilt over my daughter.

I started to speak up and told everyone what I will and will not accept. I have felt a little crazed and more emotional than ever before. I contribute it to I just broke and I am human also just so much one person can take.

I try now to calmly speak what I will not accept. Although like yesterday I feel off the band wagon and became very emotional with my husband actually a little crazy I would call it.

He actually told me that I should tell this board that I lost it and to see what they said. Well I am. First I apologized for my inappropriate behavior I told him for the first time since all that has gone on between him my daughters abusive attacks on me trying to make everyone happy that I to snapped. I told him that what I allowed to go on to keep the peace was wrong I to played a role in the dysfunction of this family. Fear played a role where my daughter was concerned and fear played a role with my husband that he wouldn't understand my daughter problems. As the Counselor told me I was caught right in the middle of it all.  So I lost it yesterday was a little stressed because of the holiday and my grandkids coming over. Turned out great my daughter came in the house the first time in a very long time since her last blow out on me. Hubby actually put his angry somewhat aside and came upstairs instead of staying angry in the basement. Big step for him since he said he was done with her.

I told him that 2014 would be a New Year. A year were there would be communication, healthy communication in this family. I will no longer be anyone doormat. Our house will be a house of understanding and forgiveness. That we would respect each others feels as their own regardless of us agreeing with them.

I then apologized for having my own little break down we ended up having a great day with the kids they are upstairs sleeping as I type. I have noticed that since I have started settings my own boundaries things have been changing. I think they know I mean business I think they know I have had enough that I could take after 21 years of dealing with my daughter.

I am not beating myself up for getting to emotional last nite although not to proud of it will try to stay more focused

[Esperança_Hope]

Hi, Griz, dear! I miss you. I see you´re doing better, and better. congrats 

[peaceplease]

Great thread, griz.     I wish  we had a DBT center!

I know that I am passive, and I would love to overcome this.

It is great that you are sharing with your dd, and she feels good for helping you with a good therapist. Winwin!