If Not Married, Then Why Stay At All?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Having been on this site for the last three months and recording the struggles in my 25+ year marriage to my uBPDw in quite some (embarrassing) detail in this forum, I am totally at a loss to understand the following: Many posts are from people in relatively brief relationships (< 5 years), are not married (no long-term financial entanglements/commitments), and refer to their "significant other" as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." Given the absolute awful prognosis for this mental illness, why is it so difficult to walk away? Those in long-term relationships, I understand. Those with children under 18 with the pwBPD, I understand. But just boyfriend or girlfriend, or a few years together, this I do not understand given how terrible this disorder is. I understand that any, even short-term, intense sexual relationship creates a bond between the participants, but it would seem to me that given the intense, never-ending verbal abuse, walking (running?) away would seem easy. Why not? Any thoughts?

[Hopeless777]

Having been on this site for the last three months and recording the struggles in my 25+ year marriage to my uBPDw in quite some (embarrassing) detail in this forum, I am totally at a loss to understand the following: Many posts are from people in relatively brief relationships (< 5 years), are not married (no long-term financial entanglements/commitments), and refer to their "significant other" as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." Given the absolute awful prognosis for this mental illness, why is it so difficult to walk away? Those in long-term relationships, I understand. Those with children under 18 with the pwBPD, I understand. But just boyfriend or girlfriend, or a few years together, this I do not understand given how terrible this disorder is. I understand that any, even short-term, intense sexual relationship creates a bond between the participants, but it would seem to me that given the intense, never-ending verbal abuse, walking (running?) away would seem easy. Why not? Any thoughts?

[Southern_Belle]

Excellent question!

I'm one of those people you speak of. E is my bf - no marriage, kids, and financial commitments.

My reason for staying is not because of the way I grew up, my FOO, or because of major co-dependecy.

I think I know why and I might be willing to share (let me think about it).

[Clearmind]

Hopeless, that is the million dollar question.

There are so many reasons why we attach and stay. The highs are good and the lows are awful and its my guess we stay and wait around to be put on that pedestal again - the roller coaster ride is addictive.

I also grew up in a dysfunctional household so my relationship was the norm for me. I didn't know healthy.

Any thoughts on why you stay... . being undecided is so hard. Things can get better - it does take you to also do some soul searching as to how you do or don't respond to your partner. Thats if you want to work through it. Its tough. What are your thoughts right now?

[Hopeless777]

My thoughts right now on my situation are on my other "I've Been Punished Enough" post on this forum. Given that I have a 25+ year marriage that is cratering, I'd say my situation is quite different than mere BF/GF.  i just have half my life at risk, and a nicely planned future in jeopardy. Never would have thought I'd be at these crossroads at 56 years old. I really don't accept the "roller coaster" analogy for the short-term relationship.

[Clearmind]

I really don't accept the "roller coaster" analogy for the short-term relationship.

Oh you'd be surprised. My relationship was a roller coaster and it was not a 25 year marriage. Relationships cannot be prepared and its different for everyone.

We can all have codependent traits regardless.

You will come to your own decision in time.

[Seneca]

hopeless, my SO displayed BPD traits right from the first couple dates. Six months into dating I wrote in my diary, "he is abusive to me. I need to leave him." But instead I married him. And here we are 11 years married, with the two little kids, losing the comfy future we envisioned, losing half our worth etc.

Why did I stay? Co-dependency. Messed up childhood. The drive in me to be someone's HERO, to heal them with my love was so strong that it blinded me to the ramifications of long term abuse. Low self esteem plays a part - subconsciously thinking "this is the best I can do" or "this is all I'm worth". But when it comes right down to it, I stayed in our dating, financially independent rs because I need to be someone's savior. I am paying the price for that foolish line of thinking now. I am grateful that I least I can see it all clearly, and know that one day I'll be free of it, and never have to make the choice to put myself in a similar situation again. Because you can't save anyone but yourself.

[maxsterling]

On good days "i dont know"

On bad days "because i am a fool"

[JustDontKn0w]

That is the question on my mind lately being one of those you are talking about... . I've went 3 days with NC and honestly I LOVE it... . that's sad but true.  No drama, no BS, nothing just peace.  I had forgotten I could feel this way.  I sit here reading what you are saying and am asking my self "why are you even thinking of jumping in again?" ... . will this time be different?  no... . is it ever different regardless of what you true? no... . no no no no... . for tonight I'm sleeping on it.

[love2give]

hopeless, my SO displayed BPD traits right from the first couple dates. Six months into dating I wrote in my diary, "he is abusive to me. I need to leave him." But instead I married him. And here we are 11 years married, with the two little kids, losing the comfy future we envisioned, losing half our worth etc.

Why did I stay? Co-dependency. Messed up childhood. The drive in me to be someone's HERO, to heal them with my love was so strong that it blinded me to the ramifications of long term abuse. Low self esteem plays a part - subconsciously thinking "this is the best I can do" or "this is all I'm worth". But when it comes right down to it, I stayed in our dating, financially independent rs because I need to be someone's savior. I am paying the price for that foolish line of thinking now. I am grateful that I least I can see it all clearly, and know that one day I'll be free of it, and never have to make the choice to put myself in a similar situation again. Because you can't save anyone but yourself.

Very powerful post. Thank you

[living in the past]

Hope that the pwBPD can get better.just starting to accept that i am powerless,but still have hope,its just not me that can help them.

[maxsterling]

here's a longer answer: 

I think with what I know now, if there is ever an easy way out, I will take it, regardless of my feelings towards her.  So what keeps me now?  It's just easier to continue on the path that I am on.  She lives with me.  She has no other place to go.  Her leaving would be ugly, ugly, ugly, and more than the strength I have right now.  So, since we have mostly been without rage for a few months, I am okay with the status quo and the attempt to work on things and to set boundaries. 

Ultimately, I think it will end.  I hope it is a consensual breakup in that we realize we are on different paths, and respect each other.  I foresee the end being when I set a boundary regarding children and marriage.  I just can't keep going on with her obsessing about both.  the boundary being "I would like to have kids with you, but right now I have serious concerns about your depression and desire to self harm.  I do not want to discuss having children with you again until you can honestly tell me you love yourself and want to be alive."  I'm gathering the strength to set that boundary soon - and that may be the end.  And honestly, I'll be sad, but probably in a few days the relief will take over, and the freedom return, and I will be okay.

I didn't have a childhood where I wasn't loved.  I think I had pretty good parents.  But, my parent's marriage is not a good example of healthy, and my mom's moodiness towards my dad is what I viewed as "normal".  I'm slowly realizing now that my mom was a bit emotionally abusive of my dad.  I don't think that childhood example keeps me in the r/s now, but I think that was a factor in why I excused some things early on and missed some big red flags.  I also think my age (38), desire to be in a lifetime relationship, and that I got a somewhat late start in the dating world all contribute.  Perhaps if I had dated a bit more when I was younger, I would have known sooner that this r/s is not what I wanted, and had the skills and strength to leave.  Instead, something kept telling me to "work on things", and here I am.

So really, much of why I stay is that I do care about her, and she lives with me.  If she didn't live with me, I'd probably have a much easier time moving on.  Or, if I lived with her, or it was a rental and not my house, I would consider moving out while she was away, and leaving an "I'm sorry" note.  Seriously.  And I hate thinking that way, but these are people where you may risk serious damage if you try and break of in a cordial way.