How Can I Be The Only One?

[Depression = 72% of members]

In the past year I found out my mother may have BPD (never diagnosed). As far as I know I am the only one in the family that knows this. I did briefly discuss with my father, but they are divorced and have not spoken in 20+ years. Long story short I was already considering breaking off contact with my mother before I discovered she may have BPD and I followed through despite that.

Generally she is mean and lacks empathy. My self-esteem and feeling of self-worth have suffered for years because of this. To make matters worse as I did not grow-up in a fantastic household I really did not realize how bad things were until I was an adult (and even then it took 15 years).

The odd thing is I seem to be the only one in my family that realizes something is wrong. My father admitted he knew my mother was emotionally unstable when I was a child, but that's it. My brother is a little unhappy by my breakaway and I received a text message from an aunt saying "your mother is not a BAD mother!" Obviously my mom told her something.

And for the record I never said she was a bad mother. In my email to her I explained that sometimes I felt she did not respect my feelings I felt often lacked empathy when it came to me. Additionally I suggested she speak to a professional about these issues. To be honest the more I learn about BPD the more I think she did okay as a mother given her situation.

Has anyone else run into an issue where no one else in their family realizes how off a BPD relative might be?

I didn't expect much support but thought maybe someone would agree with me that she should seek professional help.

[Anon56]

In the past year I found out my mother may have BPD (never diagnosed). As far as I know I am the only one in the family that knows this. I did briefly discuss with my father, but they are divorced and have not spoken in 20+ years. Long story short I was already considering breaking off contact with my mother before I discovered she may have BPD and I followed through despite that.

Generally she is mean and lacks empathy. My self-esteem and feeling of self-worth have suffered for years because of this. To make matters worse as I did not grow-up in a fantastic household I really did not realize how bad things were until I was an adult (and even then it took 15 years).

The odd thing is I seem to be the only one in my family that realizes something is wrong. My father admitted he knew my mother was emotionally unstable when I was a child, but that's it. My brother is a little unhappy by my breakaway and I received a text message from an aunt saying "your mother is not a BAD mother!" Obviously my mom told her something.

And for the record I never said she was a bad mother. In my email to her I explained that sometimes I felt she did not respect my feelings I felt often lacked empathy when it came to me. Additionally I suggested she speak to a professional about these issues. To be honest the more I learn about BPD the more I think she did okay as a mother given her situation.

Has anyone else run into an issue where no one else in their family realizes how off a BPD relative might be?

I didn't expect much support but thought maybe someone would agree with me that she should seek professional help.

[Daliah]

I think I have some sense of how you feel - I've been there. I would have really appreciated it if other family members had validated my experiences with my mother or just her general condition, but none of them did. I don't think they could, either because they were caught up in the dynamic of undiagnosed BPD/NPD (in my family's case) or because all they got was the facade.

I don't know whether you really want someone else to help you to get your mother into therapy, or whether you would simply like to have your own experiences with her validated. I can understand both. But you can't usually get an unwilling person to see a therapist, much less with the results you want. And even if they end up going, there's no guarantee that their BPD will get noticed. I know my own mother's facade is pretty much airtight. I am NC with her. From her very intermittent unsolicited emails (that I don't reply to) I gather that she has in fact been to see a therapist at some point, which is something I didn't think she would do. But, if the information I got from her is to be believed (a big if, though), the point of those visits was to determine (through distance diagnosis, I guess) what was wrong with me, as usual. I don't think that's how therapy ordinarily works. But then, I doubt my mother would ever tell me about an outcome that casts her in a negative light. And in any case, what she wrote about hardly sounded like ongoing therapy, and the emails weren't something that I think someone who is successfully being treated for BPD would have written.

Going NC and simultaneously getting your mother into therapy isn't something that can be done, I think. She may decide to enter therapy of her own free will, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Regarding familial support in general, it often appears to be the case that the person who goes NC is seen as 'the problem'. Personally, I don't think there's anything you can do about that. The only thing you really can do is to look after yourself.

[Sdmfoster]

You probably aren't the only one who's noticed. You're just the only one willing to call her on it and impose consequences (NC) for it. The rest of the family may be enmeshed, enablers, or too far removed to see the everyday crazies come out. Good luck and we are here and have your back!

[Botswana Agate]

In our case, all four of us siblings knew something was completely wrong with uBPD mom's death-threat e-mail (referenced in other posts), and two sibs CO her off while I went NC (though we all knew, growing up, that something was off).  I believe, however, that it was I who told them in an e-mail that I believed her condition had a name: BPD, with NPD and histrionic tendencies.

You see, a few years ago, my close friend (an LMFT) took me through her DSM and she helped unofficially diagnose what she believed uBPD mom to have based on all the f'd up crap I grew up with and current stuff.  Armed with that knowledge, I went to the library and checked out "The Borderline Mother" and other books recommended here, and got myself educated.  So after uBPD mom's death-threat e-mail, I shared my findings with the other sibs and gave them the book suggestions.  I even told enDad what I believe uBPD mom has, and told him to read up on it just recently.  Don't know if he will. 

[Sitara]

There can be lots of reasons people don't realize her behavior is bad.  When you're raised in the situation, you may not know any differently.  For people getting into romantic relationships, they're often repeating a cycle from their past.  There's society's view that family is all-important and you should have a relationship with them no matter what.  And lastly it's often just easier than dealing with the fallout of not agreeing with the pwBPD - doing things against their wishes often have dire consequences.

For me, personally, my mom is high-functioning, which means the outside world is unaware that she wasn't the perfect mom.  She also didn't beat us, it was all emotional abuse, which is so much harder to see the damage from.  I didn't realize myself until I was almost 30.  My sister is still enmeshed.  I'm pretty sure my dad married someone very similar to his mother, so he's just repeating.  When I started asking mom to treat me with more respect, she went silent-treatment and took the family with her.  I'm sure she's telling some stories behind the scenes.  So no, you are definitely not alone.

Of course she should seek help, that's unfortunately not something to can make her do.  She has to do it herself, has to want to do it.  You're probably getting resistance with people agreeing with you, because they would have to admit something uncomfortable about themselves - that they're in a relationship with a disordered person, and they are allowing her to continue treating them poorly. 

There are a lot of resources here that you can use for your own personal healing and understanding.  I hope you're able to find something that is helpful for you.

[arky]

In the past year I found out my mother may have BPD (never diagnosed). As far as I know I am the only one in the family that knows this. I did briefly discuss with my father, but they are divorced and have not spoken in 20+ years. Long story short I was already considering breaking off contact with my mother before I discovered she may have BPD and I followed through despite that.

Generally she is mean and lacks empathy. My self-esteem and feeling of self-worth have suffered for years because of this. To make matters worse as I did not grow-up in a fantastic household I really did not realize how bad things were until I was an adult (and even then it took 15 years).

The odd thing is I seem to be the only one in my family that realizes something is wrong. My father admitted he knew my mother was emotionally unstable when I was a child, but that's it. My brother is a little unhappy by my breakaway and I received a text message from an aunt saying "your mother is not a BAD mother!" Obviously my mom told her something.

And for the record I never said she was a bad mother. In my email to her I explained that sometimes I felt she did not respect my feelings I felt often lacked empathy when it came to me. Additionally I suggested she speak to a professional about these issues. To be honest the more I learn about BPD the more I think she did okay as a mother given her situation.

Has anyone else run into an issue where no one else in their family realizes how off a BPD relative might be?

I didn't expect much support but thought maybe someone would agree with me that she should seek professional help.

Yes, yes, YES! to all of this. My sister, husband, therapist, and I think my mother is BPD. Her siblings and friends have no clue. They think she has awful kids who treat her horribly, because that is what she tells everyone when we don't do exactly what she wants.

If you really, truly believe you are better off without her, I highly encourage at least taking a break. My mother exhausts me and I sometimes need to just step away from her. Of course, when I do start talking to her again, it is ridiculously awkward because she brings up how "mean" I was to her CONSTANTLY.

My parents have been divorced 12 years, and my father also thinks my mom is unstable, but I am not sure he understands the extent of BPD. I think that if he knew more, he'd be more inclined to agree with me.

Keep in mind, though, that if you mom has BPD, it could have gotten worse or manifested itself in a more intense way than when your parents were together, and your dad might not be aware that it is as bad as it is now... . if that makes sense.

[Anon56]

Thanks for the replies! The lack of family validation was worrying me slightly. Sounds like I should probably not expect validation from other family members and stop worrying about it.

I am currently still NC with my uBPD M and really enjoying the break. In general I feel 100x better which makes me think I made the right decision despite other people's opinions!